Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, back in June of this year, wrote a little piece about the Vermont secession movement. (You may read it here. The Smallholder wrote a short piece on the subject here. And then there was the very popular Maximum Leader in uniform post.) Well… If your Maximum Leader is bringing it up that must mean that it is in the news again…

Secessionists meet in Tennessee. Let us cite the first few paragraphs from the piece:

CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. - In an unlikely marriage of desire to secede from the United States, two advocacy groups from opposite political traditions — New England and the South — are sitting down to talk.

Tired of foreign wars and what they consider right-wing courts, the Middlebury Institute wants liberal states like Vermont to be able to secede peacefully.

That sounds just fine to the League of the South, a conservative group that refuses to give up on Southern independence.

“We believe that an independent South, or Hawaii, Alaska, or Vermont would be better able to serve the interest of everybody, regardless of race or ethnicity,” said Michael Hill of Killen, Ala., president of the League of the South.

Separated by hundreds of miles and divergent political philosophies, the Middlebury Institute and the League of the South are hosting a two-day Secessionist Convention starting Wednesday in Chattanooga.

They expect to attract supporters from California, Alaska and Hawaii, inviting anyone who wants to dissolve the Union so states can save themselves from an overbearing federal government.

If allowed to go their own way, New Englanders “probably would allow abortion and have gun control,” Hill said, while Southerners “would probably crack down on illegal immigration harder than it is being now.”

The U.S. Constitution does not explicitly prohibit secession, but few people think it is politically viable.

Gadzooks! One would think that secessionists would meet somewhere not “touched” by the history of secession. Perhaps in Michigan, or Montana, or Idaho. Hell… Windsor, Ontario would be a more likely place, it seems to your Maximum Leader, than Chattanoga, TN. You might as well meet in Vicksburg or Atlanta (or Gettysburg).

These secessionist nutjobs just don’t get it. The Civil War pretty much decisively closed the book on leaving the United States. It just can’t be done. There is a reason that the official history of the Civil War written by the government was called the “History of the War of the Rebellion.”

Indeed, your Maximum Leader thinks that it is this simple fact (ie: once in you can never get out) that keeps places like Puerto Rico, Guam, and the US Virgin Islands from clamoring harder for statehood. Those protectorates and territories are a fickle bunch. Today they want representation in Congress, tomorrow they just want the benefits of being “in” the United States without all the responsibility. They are quite childish in their ways. They just haven’t decided what they want to be when they grow up. Indeed, if Vermont were to leave the Union (and we were to let them - however unlikely that would be); then we would have to force Puerto Rico to become a state. We would have to explain this move to the Puerto Ricans in baseball terms (”Think of it as a call up to the big leagues!”) After all, we just can’t go back to fewer than 100 Senators, 435 Representatives, and 50 stars on the flag. (By gum they aren’t going to get your Maximum Leader to buy a 49 star flag…)

Anyhoo… These secessionist nuts sure are getting lots of press. And by lots of press your Maximum Leader means any press at all. These people ought to be relegated to the back pages of the small-town fishwrap. Right under the story about how the local “cat lady” is going to closely watched this Halloween to avoid any unfortunate incidents like last year’s. Alas, they are not. The AP is picking up the story and running with it. It must be a slow news day…

At least now the secessionists in Vermont are teaming up with the secessionists in the South. Woo hoo! What a winning combo that must be! One wonders if they immediately took issues other than secession off the table. After all, the Vermonsters want to make their land safe for civil unions, gun control and dairy products; the Southerners likely want to make their lands safe for… Well… Does your Maximum Leader have to spell it out?

These people must have a lot of time on their hands. Really now, your Maximum Leader spends his free time plotting to create the Mike World Order out of the ruins of civilization. That takes time and mind-power. These people seem all together more simple-minded. The extent of their thinking is “I don’t like you anymore. I want to take my bowl and go home. Harumph!” Any 3 year old can do that.

Allow your Maximum Leader to state for the record (again) that he will raise volunteers (or pay the people at Blackwater) to keep Vermont in the Union by force. If he later has to mess with Texas or Tennessee he will. He will not like having to do it, but it must be done. (Okay… Your Maximum Leader might enjoy invading Vermont. He doesn’t think he’d enjoy invading Texas or Tennessee as much.)

If you would like to serve in a volunteer regiment (commanded by your Maximum Leader) when the forray of force is required in Vermont, let him know. Please know in advance that your Maximum Leader likes to campaign from March to September, baggage trains for officers will be kept to 2 wagons and 4 native attendants (please send him an e-mail to request a price list for commissions), pillaging is restricted to 4 hours after the capitulation of an undefended town and 8 hours after the conquest of a defended town (towns that arrange their surrender in advance will have terms negotiated before the surrender is accepted), and officers are required to bring formal attire for your Maximum Leader’s Friday night levees. Oh yes… One more item… Your Maximum Leader is looking for a dashing cavalry commander to play Uxbridge/Anglesey to his Wellington.

Carry on.