Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has not been asked to run the Islamic Republic of Iran; and frankly it has never been an aspiration of his. Your Maximum Leader is not a Muslim. Neither does he speak Persian. Those two issues alone would likely preclude his installation as Supreme (Maximum if you will) Leader fo the Islamic Republic.

Of course your Maximum Leader has read the inner monologue of current Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran, Ayatollah Ali Khameni. Until reading that your Maximum Leader has never really thought about being the unquestioned leader of a medieval theocracy on the verge of gettng nukes. It could be a real gas.

But then your Maximum Leader reads shit like this (from the Jerusalem Post via the Wall Street Journal) in which a member of the Basiji (a paramilitary militia in Iran loyal to the Supreme Leader) confesses to the following:

He said he had been a highly regarded member of the force, and had so “impressed my superiors” that, at 18, “I was given the ‘honor’ to temporarily marry young girls before they were sentenced to death.”

In the Islamic Republic it is illegal to execute a young woman, regardless of her crime, if she is a virgin, he explained. Therefore a “wedding” ceremony is conducted the night before the execution: The young girl is forced to have sexual intercourse with a prison guard - essentially raped by her “husband.”

“I regret that, even though the marriages were legal,” he said.

Why the regret, if the marriages were “legal?”

“Because,” he went on, “I could tell that the girls were more afraid of their ‘wedding’ night than of the execution that awaited them in the morning. And they would always fight back, so we would have to put sleeping pills in their food. By morning the girls would have an empty expression; it seemed like they were ready or wanted to die.

“I remember hearing them cry and scream after [the rape] was over,” he said. “I will never forget how this one girl clawed at her own face and neck with her finger nails afterwards. She had deep scratches all over her.”

Damn! Damn! Damn! DAMN! Gawd! Your Maximum Leader read that and wanted to go find Ali Khameni and sodomize him with a sun-dried and splintering axe handle. Sadly, that type of degredation would be too good for Khameni. Your Maximum Leader doubts that any techniques he could pick up from anyone short of the bastard love-child decendent of Stalin, Pol-Pot and the Marquis de Sade would do the trick. Your Maximum Leader thought, for a moment, that putting Khameni in a cell with a few of the mothers of daughters who suffered the brief “marriages” to their Basiji husbands might be suitable. Alas, it would surely be too quick. Any means of death that didn’t last at least 90 days would be to short.

Your Maximum Leader jokes from time to time about lining people up against the wall and them getting what they deserve. But unfortunately some people, and Ali Khameni might be one of them, don’t ever get what they deserve.

If your Maximum Leader were ever to find himself as Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran there are many who would have to pray every second of their short lives that the worst thing that would befall them is that they would get dragged out and shot.

Just to go on the record, Ali Khameni wouldn’t even get the benefit of a show trial.

Carry on.