But I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.

The Minister of Propaganda was right.

I was wrong.

More to follow.

The lovely Sadie, who is definitely invited to a farm fete (fest?) whenever she next crosses the Mississippi, writes, in regard to teats:

Steve H: i’m not sure if it means the nipple or the whole bag or what
Sadie: i think it’s the latter.
Sadie: no the former.

Well, Sadie, dear, if you had comments enabled, one of the Naked Villains might have been able to enlighten you. Comments don’t have to be about “show us your tits!” They could be “I’ll define teats for you.”

But since you don’t have comments, I will embargo my assidously acquired attainment of astoundingly arcane agricultural (and alliterative) awareness.

Predictions:

Sadie will lose no sleep over my embargo.

The Minister of Propaganda will rapidly register a ridiculously ribald remark in the comments section, thereby proving the perspicacity our pulchritudinous partner’s plainly prohibitonist policy.

UPDATE: The MOP points out that I mispelled pulchritudinous in my haste, using dictionary.com as a reference. I am embarassed by this particular mispelling, as I am of all of my poor grammar and spelling as exhibited on the blog since movable type took away my spell check (and composing in word adds odd characters when I cut and paste). I would like to point out that I at least knew what the word meant - and I adore the word because its meaning is quite different from its ugly, harsh sound. So accidental misspelling versus illiteracy - I guess Longwood trumps Yale yet again.

The Maximum Leader is looking forward to Easter.

He and his lovely family will join the Smallholders at our little farm. Mike, my neighbor Paul, and I will retire to the kitchen and spend the day cooking a home-raised leg of lamb and a home-raised ham. While drinking beer and scotch.

And it gets better.

I know the Maximum Leader will soon be gleefully atwitter.

Paul and I were discussing how Scottish cuisine developed as a dare: “I bet you won’t eat that!”

Paul jumps up and finds his recipe for haggis, lamenting that he has never had the chance to make it. Stomachs are hard to come by in the United States.

A lightbulb goes on over my head. “I’m taking a lamb in to the butcher right before our Easter meal! I’ll have the butcher save the stomach!”

Paul then declares: “I’ll bring my bagpipe CD and pipe the haggis into the dining room! We’ll toast the haggis with Scotch!”

I suspect that the Maximum Leader is, at this very moment, running to see if his kilt still fits.

Easter is gonna rock!

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader had just a moment so he decided to write a quick entry. The impetus behind the entry was, ostensibly, the op-ed piece in the Washington Post today by Henry Kissinger concerning the rise of Angela Merkle as Chancellor of Germany. You should take a moment and read what Henry wrote on the subject.

But the article reminded your Maximum Leader of a dream he had the other night. Once before he’s blogged about a dream he had. That one wasn’t too wierd. This one was sort of odd…

If you are interested… Click below the fold… Otherwise…

Carry on.
(more…)

A few posts ago, I asked readers to come up with an appropriate “farewell address” for the Naked Villains.

And now the Maximum Leaders says he is going on vacation?

We all know what happened to the despotic Shah when he went on “vaction” for treatment in America.

Just call me the Ayatollah Smallholderehni.

We shall put a sword to the infidels!

When the revolution comes, my friends, Naked Villainy will be all artificial insemination, all the time!

Anyhoo…

Do you suppose the Foreign Minister will cover for the Mximum Leader? We haven’t heard from our warmongering right wing ideologue in a while.

Greg: Here are some suggested post topics.

Why Germany’s strict labor protection laws have hobbled economic growth.
The German view of the French riots.
Why Sweet Seasons Farm is the bestest vacation spot EVER.
How living abroad has changed my opinions about gun control.
Maximizing the fat content of milk through genetic improvement.

Oh wait. The last one is mine. I know you will all be on the edge of your seats before I get that one up.

The death of the blog can either be a great tragedy or a mercy killing. Sadie is a bit upset that some of her blogrollees (is that a word) have given up the ghost.

I am still inconsolable about the death of Kilgore Trout’s Chaotic Not Random.

Farewell messages are interesting windows into the minds of our departed bloggers.

Some cite the need to prepare for real publication.

Some cite real world crises. (Is that the plural of crisis?)

Some cite the petty meanness of the blogsopshere.

Some admit that they have nothing more to share.

Some, like Skippy the uber-whiner Luddite with blogger crash problems, just want their egos stroked before they come back to blogging.

This got me to thinking. The Maximum Leader and I have no literary ambitions, stable lives, thick skins, inveterate bloviators, and can’t stand whining. So, having removed the usual suspects, what could make us quit?

It strikes me that there a humorous answers to this question.

Unfortunately, I’m not a humorist.

But some of you are funny people.

Comments are open. Write a blog farewell message for either the Maximum Leader, Smallholder, or even the Minister of Propaganda. Extra credit if you can work “nimrod” into your MOP letter.

I have noticed that many of our friends in the blogosphere have taken to referring to the Maximum Leader and his minions, collectively, as the “Naked Villains.”

Please stop immediately.

For the record, Mike is the Naked Villain.

Your humble Smallholder remains fully clothed in flannel and denim at all times. Sometimes I’ll take off the seed company hat, but that is as far as I’ll go.

Furthermore, Mike is the villainous one. Your humble Smallholder is a paragon of virtue.

Just remember:

Maximum Leader: Perfidious Blowhard.

Smallholder: Font of Truth.

Carry, as they say, on.

Jiggly tartlet indeed.

Smallholder doffs his seed company hat towards Phoenix.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has a number of different things to do today, so this may be his only opportunity to blog today. As this might be his only post he will touch on a number of different topics. Pay attention.

First off, we are into the budget season in Congress. This time of year always amuses your Maximum Leader. You see the budgets were supposed to be completed last month. Congress (both the House and Senate) appear to have the whole legislative year to talk about the budget and prepare; but they don’t. Instead they wait until after the last minute and the work like crazy to get a budget passed. One could speculate (perhaps quite rightly) that part of the budgetary mess our Republic always finds itself is due in no small measure to the budget writing rush.

Anyhoo… It seems as though tax cuts are the hot topic du jour. As surprising as it may sound coming from your tax cutting Maximum Leader, this is not the time for new tax cuts. Your Maximum Leader is all for keeping the current taxes on everything as is. What is needed is spending control. At this point further tax cutting is diverting attention and political energy from budget cutting.

Your Maximum Leader will suggest to Republicans in Congress (and to the President) that their focus ought to be eliminating waste and cutting smallish programs that could stand to be cut. Outside of the realm of supply-side theory, the other reason that Ronald Reagan wanted to cut taxes was to “starve” the government into spending less. Reagan (and his team) made a logical (but wrong) assumption that if the government didn’t have money to spend it would at least try to stop spending growth. That didn’t happen. There was no outcry. There was no political price paid. So… Now Republicans have learned to spend better than the Democrats in the 1980s. The fiscal conservatives need to rise up and exert more control over the budget agenda in Congress. A strong untied block of Congressmen and Senators could push through a more responsible budget if they had the political will to do so.

And if the Republican Congress doesn’t start showing that it can do something about anything meaningful 2006 will not be a fun year.

Next up… The Smallholder made some fine comments about your Maximum Leader’s post about NH taxes on views in yesterday’s post. Allow your Maximum Leader to clarify a bit. He understands that houses with nicer views will be more expensive to buy than houses without nicer views. That doesn’t bother him. He understands that you will have variation in price based on location, views, and the quality of the neighbourhood. With variation in market price you will have variation in assessed value for property taxes. Neither does that bother him. But what is going on in New Hampshire is tax assessors going out to houses and doing an extra assessment on the view of the house and adding that assessed view’s value to the value of the house. This is done in a fashion completely independent of any market forces. And it also seems to be done only in areas (or to houses) that appear to fit a profile. The profile of “second home for rich Boston resident.” That is what appears to be wrong. Your Maximum Leader will try to learn some more about this and post further.

The Poet Laureate of the MWO made a fine comment about your Maximum Leader’s use of the “Below the Fold” feature of this blog and the placement of his traditional close “carry on” even when there is more below the fold. Very good points. Your Maximum Leader must confess that he likes to see the words “carry on” at the bottom of the main area of the post… Even if there is more below the fold. In the case of yesterday’s post, the paragraphs below the fold were something of an afterthought and inspired by - but not required for the enjoyment of - the main body of the post. In most cases where your Maximum Leader goes below the fold it is with material that he thinks is a nice addition to the post but perhaps not essential.

All that plus he wonders how many people actually click through and read below the fold…

Your Maximum Leader will second Robbo’s suggestion of putting French news babes on to replace Koppel. Frankly she could replace Greta Van Sustern in a better time slot. Your Maximum Leader wouldn’t even make Melissa learn English. She could just talk all she wanted in French. It might acutally make for better viewing.

Your Maximum Leader will also thank his Poet Laureate for his coverage of the French riots. Your Maximum Leader agrees that religion isn’t the major motivating factor, but it probably is a contributing factor. The French need to seriously review their immigration policies (for going forward) and figure out what they can do to assimilate the young disaffected French of North African descent. If assimilation is even possible…

Just like we’d say to Mr. Kotter… Welcome back.

Phoenix… Your Maximum Leader grows tired of waiting for that which he desires. Produce the dreamy Jennifer Love Hewitt immediately!

Lastly… If you happen to be a regular reader of the Worlds Greatest Tabloid you should be familiar with the bosomy ladies of Page 3. Well… Now gentlemen (and ladies who are inclined) you can play the “Guess the Model’s Bra Size” Quiz. The quiz is definately not safe for work. So don’t think about clicking through if you are in danger of losing your job if your boss comes by and sees breasts all over your monitor screen. If you are good with breasts on your monitor then clicky here. Your Maximum Leader got 4 of 6. (For those of you who wonder about these things.)

Carry on.

He has a new hobby.

Via Michael Yon.

Coldblooded hamster
Cruelly dueling to the death
Die, Fuzzy! Die! Die!

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has been celebrating Halloween in his own charming way for a few days already. He wanted to share some Halloween thoughts with you all.

First off… Sadie. Sadie, darling. Your Maximum Leader forgot your admonition of last year and went and rented “Van Helsing.” He watched it last night. Boy did it suck. He should have heeded your sage advice.

In addition to “Van Helsing” your Maximum Leader delved into his own collection of Dracula films. Over the weekend he’s watched many of the various incarnations of Dracula and Van Helsing. He’s watched Langella/Oliver, Lee/Cushing, Oldman/Hopkins, Butler/Plummer, and - of course - Lugosi/Van Sloan.

Late on Saturday night in the midst of an alcohol induced fog (training for NaDruWriNi), your Maximum Leader got to thinking a thought he hadn’t considered since he was a 13 years old D&D playing HP Lovecraft reading geek. If you were could be either a wizard or vampire which would you be?

Well of course you’d have to be a vampire. At least if you were a hormones-raging male D&D playing geek you would choose vampire. Why? Chicks dig the nosferatu.

Yeah baby! Chicks do dig the un-dead. Wizards spend forever in their towers or castles or caves learning all about weird magic and the arcane arts. But when was the last time you ever saw Winona Rider get all turned on by Merlin or Gandalf? You have never seen it because it has never happened.

You see, to a woman, a wizard would be like their dad or grandfather. The kindly old man who knows lots of stuff, but you’d never sleep with. The vampire on the other hand is the bad boy. Yes, a vampire is like the bad boy that if a woman works with and loves enough she can convince to change. But like a real man, the vampire can’t change. He’ll always be an evil bloodsucking demon. He can only act according to his nature. But while he’s acting according to his nature, he’ll get to nail some seriously hot babes.

Then when you start considering the fringe benefits of the wizard vs. vampire debate you see other thinks that favour the vampire. Sure the wizard can move around during the day and isn’t accursed by God; but is that all it’s cracked up to be when you have to go around in those nappy old robes and carrying your staff? (And in addition to their old robes and staff one has to ask, do wizards care about grooming? They always have the wild bed-head and long beards.) On the other hand, vampires are snappy dressers. They have superhuman strength. They have perfect night vision and great reflexes. And all that comes before you mention that a vampire can dominate the mind of the weak-willed. (And really, other than Abraham Van Helsing aren’t most people pretty weak-willed.)

Yeah. Chicks are hot for the nosferatu.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is trying to relax. He’s had quite a day… Where to begin…

First off, thanks to a particularly generous friend your Maximum Leader and Mrs. Villain were without the Villainettes last night. Originally Villainette #1 was scheduled to do a sleep-over with a friend. When Mrs. Villain was dropping off Villainette #1 an offer was made to Villainette #2. The offer was, “Hey do you want to sleep-over too?” The answer was yes and thus your Maximum Leader and his lovely wife were left with just the Wee Villain.

And how did your Maximum Leader and his adoring spouse spend their nearly free time… They went grocery shopping of course. Then came hom and had some dinner (freshly purchased - already cooked - at the grocery store). After dinner the Wee Villain sacked out. It was 8:15.

Now many of you are probably thinking to yourselves, “Selves, I bet my Maximum Leader (aka: Fine Ass M Ice) got his groove on and made some sweet sweet lovin’ to Mrs. Villain.”

Well… If you were thinking that you’d be as disappointed as was your Maximum Leader. Mrs. Villain needed sleep. And sleep she got.

If you want to read about your Maximum Leader’s day, click below the fold… Otherwise here are just a few fun links for your amusement.

A link for the Big Hominid, in case he missed it’s reference by the V-man and JohnL.

Find out what crime you are most likely to commit by clicking here. (Thanks to Mo for the link.) Your Maximum Leader will let you guess which one he got…

Don’t forget to add yourself to the Loyal Minion Locator map. It is cool.

And your Maximum Leader must thank the three minions who bought stuff from the Villainous Commerce store. Two of you were women (guessing from the orders) and one of you is a man. Of course this is an assumption. The two orders for women’s stuff could have been made by men who want to give their lovely feminine companions the finest in Villainous apparel. (And vice-versa on the order of men’s stuff.) Just so you know, in case you are unfamiliar with how Cafe Press works… Your Maximum Leader doesn’t get any of your personal information when you order. He just gets a message saying he sold stuff. So whomever you are out there buying minions know your Maximum Leader loves you. (And he means that in a purely platonic way. Unless you are female, hot, morally liberal, and discreet. In which case he’d be happy to mean it in other ways… Heh.)

What does amaze him however is that his store has sat for months with no activity. Then in one night - BAM! Three orders. Many thanks to you… Remember that scientific studies have shown that weekly wearing of Naked Villainy apparel will increase testosterone production in men by 150% and increase women’s bra cup size by a full letter.

With that…

Carry on.
(more…)

I feel that I must respond to the scurrilous libel being slung by the Maximum Leader.

I am sure that loyal minions of Naked Villainy have come to see how very proper and cultured their beloved Smallholder is.

And they knew instinctively that the phrase “Would you like to test fly the button fly?” would never cross these proper and cultured lips.

The Maximum Leader must be maliciously conflating me with one of his drunken carousing college buddies.

And in that drunken carousing buddy’s defense, it wasn’t his fault.

Said drunken carousing buddy was verily provoked by his roommate and his roommate’s girlfriend who demanded that he try to find, um, company after midnight.

Said drunken carousing buddy replied testily, “What am I supposed to say? ‘Hey baby, would you like to test fly the button fly?”

This sent the roommate and the roommate’s girlfriend into fits of hysterical laughter. They then looked up and dialed the number of a girl with whom the drunken carousing buddy occasionally danced.

Drunken carousing buddy, succumbing to the iniquitous double-dog dare, took the phone and uttered perhaps the worst pick-up line in history, assuming the girl would laugh and tell him to go take a long walk off a short pier.

Imagine the drunken carousing buddy’s shock when the girl replied that she would be right over.

Said drunken buddy, thinking the night’s festivities were all in fun, was mightily chagrined when dancing girl began sending him love poetry. He felt like a heel.

So you see, it wasn’t really the drunken carousing buddy’s fault.

Plus, he felt bad.

Perhaps unfairly.

I mean, really.

Was he supposed to be rude?

Hang up the phone?

Turn the girl away when she knocked on the door?

And, seriously, this drinking buddy was only nineteen. He hadn’t yet fully developed his moral compass.

Nevertheless, I am shocked - yes, shocked! - to see that the Maximum Leader has tried to pin this sordid episode on his Minister of Agriculture.

But I am sure that my proper and cultured reputation will result in this slur boomeranging back on Mike. Our loyal minions are surely asking themselves, “seles, why are we the loyal minions of a despot who once associated with depraved, drunken carousers? A leader who tries to smear the reputation of a good and decent man?”

Shame on you, Mike.

Has anyone noticed that Sadie’s break has conveniently coincided with the Minister of Propaganda’s absence while filming “on location?”

Be gentle when you tell the Irish Lad.