Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, if he was President of Iran - which he is not, wouldn’t let any coalition of other nations talk him out of a nuclear program.

But he would ring up George W. Bush periodically and yell “Surprise!” before hanging up.

Then he’d laugh with all the Ayatollahs, turn on a “Friends” re-run, and get some hummus with salty chips and a yoghurt shake.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is still feeling a little petulant. Perhaps that feeling will come out a little in some of todays other post. This one probably is low on the peevishness scale…

Mrs Villain had a fine Mother’s Day. There was much feasting and rejoicing. Of course, where there is feasting and rejoicing on Mother’s Day at the Villainschloss there is also a Maximum Leader (reduced for the day to being Mr Villain) doing lots of cooking and dishwashing. Indeed, your Maximum Leader had to run the dishwasher twice yesterday - and still had to hand wash a number of cooking implements. And as a show of what a wonderful and loving husband your Maximum Leader is… He even made a broccoli casserole for Mrs Villain that he just can’t stand (but Mrs Villain loves). Not only did he cook it… He ate a full portion himself without making faces or comments. (You’ve got to be a good influence on the Villainettes you know.)

In addition to the nuclear family of your Maximum Leader, the festivities were shared by your Maximum Leader’s much beloved (and pregnant) sister and her husband. Alas, your Maximum Leader’s sainted mother wasn’t feeling well and could not travel to the Villainschloss to partake of the joy…

In other news… Your Maximum Leader and the Villainettes caught the Hokusai exhibition at the Sackler on Friday night before it headed out of town. It was wonderful. And frankly the Villainettes were great at the exhibition. Your Maximum Leader had his doubts about how much he’d be able to enjoy the exhibition with a 9 year old and a 7 year old in tow; but he shouldn’t have worried. He got a good 90 mins to go through to exhibition. Admittedly that was about an hour less than he would have liked, but all things considered it was a great time.

In even more news… Your Maximum Leader sees that another concerned fan of the dreamy Jennifer Love Hewitt is threatening to club a baby seal if she doesn’t pose topless in Playboy… (Thanks to bobgirrl for the tip-off.) Well… Your Maximum Leader will counter this offer by saying that he will do in a whole family of baby harp seals if the dreamy Miss Hewitt does pose for Playboy. Your Maximum Leader has already been over this. Playboy isn’t the way to go… Action film. Tell producers that they will have to pay an arm and a leg for a quick topless shot. Then indie film with major Oscar potential… Playboy reeks of despiration…

Of course, regardless of what the dreamy Jennifer Love Hewitt does; she will be the (platonic) object of your Maximum Leader’s affections.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that the great state of Oklahoma has now legalized tattoo parlors. Oklahoma was the last state in the Union to legalize tattoos.

Humm… Your Maximum Leaders suspects that the fact that getting a tattoo was illegal in Oklahoma didn’t stop anyone who wanted a tattoo from getting one.

Additionally… Is your Maximum Leader the only one who sees the prevalence of tattoos in America today as a sign of impending cultural doom?

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has been making some quiet changes here at Naked Villainy. Well… Mostly they are changes to the blogroll. Nope, not really cleaning out blogs but adding some on. (Sorry Sadie - who remains - by the way DEAD SEXY! NB to Sadie: You wouldn’t be up for coming to the Villainschloss and discussing engineering problems with your Maximum Leader would you?)

Yes… Your Maximum Leader has added some blogs to his blogroll that he’s read off and on for a while and now he’s commiting to read with some regularity. He’s also moved some blogs around on his blogroll. He would like to note that he has rounded out his Loyal Minions Category with an even 10 by adding the Hatemongers and Llama Butchers to the list. He doesn’t forsee expanding the Loyal Minions categeory further. That is, of course, subject to his autocratic whim…

Among the other addees are: Mixolydian Mode, 1 Girl 4 Martinis, Feisty Republican Whore, Wuzzadem, Tommy Funebo (which is in Swedish by the way), and Tinkery Tonk. Speaking of Tinkery Tonk. That title floats around in your Maximum Leader’s brain. He finds himself just sitting staring at his monitor and the words “Tinkery Tonk” repeat over and over in his mind. Tinkery Tonk. Tinkey Tonk. Tinkery Tonk. Tinkery Tonk. Perhaps typing them out will exorcise them from the little voice in his head…

If you are a reader and linker to Naked Villainy and don’t appear on the blogroll - but think you should let your Maximum Leader know. No guarantees. Your Maximum Leader has had some trackback and commenting problems here of late that he needs to look into. So he thinks that he might be missing some of you.

And finally… Do not expect many updates from your Maximum Leader on Friday May 12 or Friday May 26. Tomorrow your Maximum Leader has some business to which he must attend and it will likely keep him away from blogging all day. And on Friday May 26 your Maximum Leader is taking Villainette #1 out of school for a day with dad. She’s been shortchanged twice now on the go-out-with-dad-and-do-something-fun front. So we will likely sleep in, go out for breakfast, then visit the Smithsonian, get a nice lunch, and other fun stuff. She, and your Maximum Leader, are really looking forward to it. Also, it comes right after Villainette #1 finishes the SOL tests. So it will be nice to blow off some steam…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader had a great weekend. He went to a great wedding and had a fantastic time. (NB to Steve & Catherine: If you are reading this… Why? You’re in Hawaii now supposedly having lots of sex and periodically going to the beach…) Your Maximum Leader also had a fine time with his villainous progeny. Lots of fun there too. Mostly indoor stuff as it was raining. But fun nonetheless. (The Villainettes convinced your Maximum Leader to join them on a Girl Scouts camping trip in a few weeks. So it will be a family affair - as Mrs Villain is the troop leader.)

Last night your Maximum Leader tried out a new spinach recipe. Basically you take a large bag of frozen spinach and put it in a pot with three-four cups of water. Bring water & spinach to boil. As soon as the water boils remove the spinach, but retain the boiling water. Add rice to the water and cook. In the meanwhile, right before the rice is done, put the spinach into a skillet with a few tablespoons of olive oil and a clove of crushed garlic. Heat up your spinach. When the rice is done and the spinach is steaming - put a few tablespoons of pine nuts in the spinach. Place rice on your plate. Spoon spinach on top of the rice. Top lightly with grated parmesan cheese. This went very well with a baked chicken. Your Maximum Leader can also imagine this side with a number of fish dishes as well…

Your Maximum Leader would exhort you to pray for the health of Keith Richards. But unless you worship Satan he’s not sure the prayers would do much good. Isn’t there a little irony in the fact that decades of drugs, alcohol and hedonism can’t do in Keith Richards; but a fall out of a palm tree can fell the man whom your Maximum Leader thought would outlive the rest of the human race…

Your Maximum Leader reads on the AP news wire that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has written a letter to President Bush. The AP is reporting that President Ahmadinejad is offering “new solutions” to the problems the international community is having with his nation’s nuclear program. Your Maximum Leader has it on good authority that President Ahmadinejad has made the following demands, which if they are met, Iran will abandon their nuclear program.

1) The FBI arrest then drag out and shoot Kevin Federline. It seems that KFed’s career is keeping President Ahamdinejad’s recording career from taking off.
2) Require that the FCC make Oprah wear a burkha and be more obeidient to the wishes of Dr. Phil.
3) Send President Ahmadinejad a few kilos of whatever Tom Cruise is on. If it is Katie Holmes’ placenta, well then just knock that girl up again…
4) Nuke Israel.
5) Require that President Bush and President Jacques Chirac of France have a summit where they kiss and make up.
6) Send Jenna Bush to Tehran to party like its 1999 with “Big Mahmoud and the Mullahs.”
7) Foce Katie Couric to stay on Today. Mahmoud really likes that Katie/Matt Lauer banter every day. (But if you could permenantly replace Ann Curry with that super-hot Campbell Brown… Grrrrr….) Set President Admadinejad up with Maureen Dowd. He thinks her whining and carrying on just make her adorable.
9) Require the US Supreme Court to use Sharia when interpreting the Constitution.
10) Have the US crawl into a great dark hole and ignore their role on the world stage.

Your Maximum Leader isn’t sure that these demands will go far… But it is a start.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was listening to his beloved iPod this morning. The Stevie Nicks song “Talk to Me” came up in a playlist. Immediately your Maximum Leader started thinking about an F. Scott Fitzgerald short story. The story is “Myra Meets His Family.” (Which your Maximum Leader seems to remember being adapted into a teleplay on PBS called “Under the Biltmore Clock.”)

In fact, every time he hears “Talk to Me” he thinks of the Fitzgerald story. Insofar as your Maximum Leader can tell, there is no similarity at all between the two. Somehow they’ve been linked in his memory. Don’t know how…

Thought you all would like to know that.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t generally blog about his family or home life. As Dr. Evil once said, “The details of my life are quite inconsequential…” But once and a while your Maximum Leader is moved to write about his personal/home life. ou know… To give his loyal minions a glimse into the secret life of their Maximum Leader. This is one of those times.

Your Maximum Leader has started to grow out a goatee. He has “sported” one in the past. Twice in fact. Once when in graduate school. Your Maximum Leader lived in an old plantation house (built c 1839) at the time. The well was old and on really hot days in July and August the water pressure was sketchy at best. So, to cut down on the water he consumed on bathing, he had his hair cut down to stubble and grew a beard. Alas, the beard didn’t fill in just right, so it was shaved down to a goatee.

At this point your Maximum Leader was about 30 pounds lighter than he is now and had a penchant for wearing vests. He also had small, round, wire rimmed glasses. Some of his friends, and a few students to whom he taught Western Civilization, commented that he looked a bit like Lenin.

But your Maximum Leader digresses…

The second goatee came in late 2001 - April 2002. The company for which your Maximum Leader worked was acquired by another firm. It soon became clear that your Maximum Leader’s job would be eliminated, but if he stayed through the transition he would get a positively generous severance package. At this point your Maximum Leader decided to “let things go” a little and grow a goatee.

It turns out Mrs. Villain liked it a lot. But after some time your Maximum Leader grew weary of it and shaved it off. Mrs. Villain, although claiming that she loved the goatee, didn’t even notice. Indeed, it was gone for two weeks before she even noticed.

Anyhoo… Your Maximum Leader and Mrs. Villain were looking through some photos he took in London in 2002. During the 2nd Goatee period. Mrs. Villain suggested that your Maximum Leader grow back the goatee. He has started to do so. Alas… This time the goatee is showing signs of age. There is much gray hair in the goatee. He’ll let it fill in some more before determining to cut it off. It does make him look thinner, but it also makes him look older. In point of fact, the benefit of looking thinner outweighs the looking older considerations.

In other news around the Villainschloss… Mrs. Villain is now planting the garden. Your Maximum Leader suggested some peppers to add in this year. But Mrs Villain rarely takes your Maximum Leader’s advice on such matters…

For those of you minions who are married here is something… How many times have you resolved just to ignore a tendency, habit, or trait of your better half because you realize that no matter how much you mention it the habit will never change? Your Maximum Leader was reminded of one of Mrs. Villain’s habits yesterday.

You see… Mrs. Villain was baking a chicken for dinner. Nothing fancy. Some garlic cloves stuffed into the meat. A nice dry rub applied liberally to the skin and cavity of the bird. When the bird was finished cooking it was removed from the oven and moved to the carving board. Your Maximum Leader stood watching what unfolded. And what unfolded did so exactly as he predicted it would.

Mrs. Villain regarded the bird and reached for the knife block. From the block she withdrew a magnificent German-made surgical steel knife. The knife in question was a paring knife with a two inch blade. She attempted to slice off some breast meat for the Wee Villain to get things started. Upon realizing that the two inch blade was insufficient for the task, she placed it in the sink and withdrew a second knife. This time a paring/utility knife with a 4 inch blade. Again, the knife wasn’t up to the task of carving the 7 lb bird. She placed the second knife in the sink and withdrew a third. This time she took out of the block a santoku style chef’s knife with an 8 inch blade. In the hands of your Maximum Leader this knife could have done the job - if called upon to do so. But, Mrs Villain found the blade too wide for her tastes. The knife went into the sink. The fourth knife pulled out of the block was the 10 inch chef’s knife. It made short work of thebird once she got going.

1 chicken to carve. Four knives used. Your Maximum Leader both annoyed and amused by this spectacle stood in silence as he watched his lovely wife move from cutting utensil to cutting utensil. For some reason passing understanding your Maximum Leader said, “It’s surprising that you didn’t use the carving knife too. That would have made a clean sweep of all the knives in the block except the tomato and bread knives.” Mrs. Villain shot your Maximum Leader an evil look. Deciding to push his luck, your Maximum Leader said, “If you were doing dishes tonight would you have used all the knives?” To which Mrs. Villain responded, “Yes I would.” Your Maximum Leader smiled at his wife and said, “I know you would have. The Leopard cannot change his spots.”

With that we all sat down to dinner. It was a fine dinner. Afterwards, your Maximum Leader did the dishes. He cleaned, sharpened, and cleaned again the four knives used to dissect the chicken.

In other domestic news… Your Maximum Leader just started to read “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.” He picked it up Sunday night. Currently he’s about 250 pages in. Yes… He knows that Dumbledore gets it in the end from Snape. But it is a good read nonetheless.

And finally… The absolutely delightful Mrs. P asked your Maximum Leader a question in the comment thread of a post on her site. He figured he’d take a moment to answer in this space.

NB to readers: If you don’t read Patum Peperium frequently you are really missing out. Your Maximum Leader visits every day. Sometimes twice a day. He just loves Mrs. P. That is not to say that he doesn’t care for Mr. P. No, not by any stretch. But Mrs. P has an edge to her that he finds captivating. She also is a damn fine cook if her recipes are any indication…

But your Maximum Leader digresses…

Your Maximum Leader’s family was for many years divided when it came to liquor. There were the Scotch drinkers. And then there were the Gin drinkers. If you were inclined to drink liquor you allied yourself with the Scotch side of the family or the Gin side of the family.

Your Maximum Leader was, and still is, a Scotch drinker. He loves his Scotch. For many years it was the only liquor he drank. Period. Nothing else. But about two years ago, on the Fourth of July, your Maximum Leader and his esteemed brother-in-law at the beach. On vacation with our families. For some reason we both decided that we needed some liquor instead of beer with which to celebrate the birth of our great Republic. So we went to the liquor store. Your Maximum Leader walked right up to the Scotch section and started to look for something to buy. Whereupon his brother-in-law said something to the effect of, “You’re gonna drink Scotch on the Fourth of July?” Your Maximum Leader thought about this for a moment and determined that there might be something unpatriotic about drinking Scotch on the Fourth of July. Afterall, our ancestors didn’t throw off the yoke of British rule just to become dependent on British liquor… So, your Maximum Leader picked up a bottle of Makers Mark. He discovered he liked Bourbon. Not as much as he liked Scotch. But he liked it nonetheless. Now your Maximum Leader drinks Bourbon and Scotch in almost equal quantities.

And that is how your Maximum Leader came to drink bourbon…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has an acquaintance who is on a quest. This young, attractive and smart woman has been challenged by your Maximum Leader. He has challenged her to find this blog. She does not know your Maximum Leader’s blog persona and was given the most meagre hints to help her find this site. If she finds it by Friday she gets a case of premium North American bottled beer* and a Naked Villainy T-shirt.

If she doesn’t find it… Well… We didn’t work that part out, but it likely involves swearing fealty to your Maximum Leader and foresaking all others besides him.

Carry on.
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Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is a murdering bastard. Indeed, it was only last night that he put the blood of many on his hands. He razed the homes of three extended families; and insured that the family members died a fiery death. Indeed, as they tried to escape your Maximum Leader kicked them back into the inferno with his boot-clad foot. As the charred bodies smouldered, the Villainettes were allowed close to look at the carnage.

Your Maximum Leader is speaking about destroying three hovels of Eastern Tent Caterpillars that chanced to inhabit some trees on the grounds of the Villainschloss. He trimmed the affected branches of the two trees and moved the tents to a large concrete pad. He got some kindling and some charcoal lighting fluid. Then it was flame on!

Your Maximum Leader has seen entire groves of trees defoliated by tent caterpillars. Most of the time the trees recover from the attack after a year or so. But sometimes the infestation is so severe that they do not. Your Maximum Leader lives in a wooded area, so it is hard to keep the pests under control. But rest assured there are no tent caterpillars living on the grounds of the Villainschloss.

And if any try to move in they will meet with the same fiery end.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader just wanted you all to know that he just got something last night he doesn’t get very often…

Get your minds out of the gutter…

It was 12 full hours of sleep. He isn’t sure how it happened. But after dinner he went to lay down and watch a little TV news. He must have shut his eyes around 7pm last night. He did not stir until 7am this morning.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has spent the past few days with a two year old attached to his person. The Wee Villain appears to be over the worst of it. But he’s been remarkably “clingy” over the past few days. What makes the situation particularly bad is that the Wee Villain wants his momma. But momma is up to here eyeballs in work that must be completed by Friday. So she can’t attend to him like she would want to. And your Maximum Leader is a poor substitute for maternal nurturing.

But on the plus side, your Maximum Leader has been able to watch lots of baseball on TV. He’s even taught the Wee Villain to yell “Go! Go! Go!” at the TV when men are running the bases. So that is a good thing.

Anyho… Your Maximum Leader hopes to pithily opine on a few subjects today and tomorrow. Then tomorrow afternoon/evening he will be leaving the Villainschloss and heading down to the Smallholder’s farm for Easter. We’ll be making Coq au Vin, roasting lamb, and making a quasi-haggis. Good times will be had by all.

And in case you missed it… You should check out the Japanese “Dick Festival” from MasaMania (via the Poet Laureate). By the way… That “Dick Festival” link is probably NSFW.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has nothing.

Absolutely nothing. If you were to give him a call today and ask his opinion on anything he’d probably give you an “Eh?” and wander away. He just doesn’t feel motivated to write anything.

Of curse, that hasn’t stopped him before from publishing complete crap on this blog…

He does hope that many of you have enjoyed the full 48 hrs of the Big Hominid’s “Britney” bit. It is damned funny. I get a chuckle out of it every time I see it.

Anyho…

Nothing to see here… Move along…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader wishes he had Golden Palace’s money. (He will not link them unless they choose to buy a link. Which, in case anyone in the Goldenpalace.com marketing department is reading this, he is glad to do.) The company that paid $25,000 for Admiral Kirk’s kidney stones, and $28,000 for a grilled cheese sandwich seems to have now issued a $250 reward for the return of Jerry Garcia’s toilet. (A toilet that Golden Palace purchased for $2,550.)

Oh to have money flowing freely out of one’s coffers to spend on things like grilled cheese sandwiches, kidney stones, and dead Dead frontmen’s toilets…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader will break with his normal practice of not really blogging about family. But he would like to welcome home his cousin (okay… Mrs Villain’s cousin in fact). We thank God for her safe return from Afghanistan. She just returned to her loving husband and two children who were waiting (at home) in Italy. She had been in Kandahar for about a year commanding a support group based near the Kandahar Airport. Welcome home Cindy!

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has been thinking to himself. Thinking about this blog. Has your Maximum Leader gotten a little too staid? Is he just focusing a bit too much on the dreamy Jennifer Love Hewitt? Is he not putting out the hard hitting political commentary that his minions love? Is his biting social commentary gone long-in-the-tooth?

Does your Maximum Leader have the blogging blahs?

Well… Loyal minions… A little bit of reflection and introspection has caused your Maximum Leader to realize that this blog needs something. And that something is…

More after the fold…
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