Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader can’t recall if he ever blogged about watching the film ‘Grizzly Man.’ The film was commended to your Maximum Leader by his esteemed brother-in-law. It was recommended without comment. Just a “You should watch this.”

And your Maximum Leader did. You should see “Grizzly Man” for the absolutely stunning images of bears.

Your Maximum Leader will commend the film to you if you haven’t seen it. He will also commend to you Big Stupid Tommy’s prayer of thankfulness to Jeebus after watching the film. Your Maximum Leader agrees with Big Stupid Tommy completely. So much so that Big Stupid Tommy is now blogrolled…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has a question for you all… Does anyone make gum with sugar in it any more? Your Maximum Leader was at a convenience store yesterday and decided to pick himself up a pack of gum. He noticed that almost every package he considered was sugarfree. He didn’t notice any “sugared” gum for sale. Does anyone still make it? He’s sure some company does. He just doesn’t know which. Hummm…

Your Maximum Leader is considering dumping comments. This is not a reflection on any of his regular readers. But he’s been spending lots of time deleting spam comments from the site. Although he hasn’t counted them, he is sure there are 10 spam comments for every 1 legit comment. It is pissing your Maximum Leader off.

Did your Maximum Leader mention he was at the 10-9 San Diego Padres victory over his beloved Washington Nationals? He was there with almost all of his extended family. The whole villainous group numbered some 25 people. We were hoping for a Nats victory… But instead saw a 7-1 lead over the Padres disintegrate late in the game and disappear completely when pinch hitter Mike Piazza knocked one out of the park. Oy!

Speaking of the Nationals. The new owners are going to be doing a “grand reopening” of RFK stadium. They will be lowering some ticket prices. Installing more and better vendors in the stadium. And giving stadium employees customer service training… Your Maximum Leader doesn’t know if he’d be able to handle friendly, efficient stadium employees… It would be too dramatic a change.

Speaking of the Nationals… The Post has a nice peice on Alfonso Soriano up. It hints that he would like to stay in Washington. If that is the case, your Maximum Leader thinks it is wonderful. Improbable that he will, but wonderful that he would like to stay. Soriano is the type of player a manager could build a team with. But the Lerner’s long-term strategy of team-building means that Soriano (aged 30) would be well past his prime when the team should become competitive. If Soriano wants to win a World Series, or if he even wants to make the money he is capable of making; he will either push to be traded by the trade deadline or will entertai free-agent offers for next season. Unfortunately, it is a rare player who will sacrifice the possibility of a title and/or money to settle down and become a fixture in one city. Your Maximum Leader would love to see Soriano remain a National, but he wouldn’t have hard feelings if Soriano left DC.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is having a lazy Friday afternoon. In the spirit of such an afternoon, here are some items for your reading pleasure.

First off… Could the North Korean missile test be a front for the Chinese gauging US missile defence capability? Your Maximum Leader doesn’t want to engage in rumour mongering as much as Dan Riehl would want to. But it does seem to be an interesting theory. One that your Maximum Leader wouldn’t put past the Chinese.

Next up… Your Maximum Leader is not a Cristal man himself. But if the hip-hoppers are boycotting it sounds like a good reason to buy some. Although at $300/bottle, your Maximum Leader will stick to his Pol Roger. (Pol Roger is the preferred champagne of your Maximum Leader, the Villainschloss, and the Mike World Order.)

Like Buckethead… Your Maximum Leader is…

Your results:
You are Batman

Batman 65% Green Lantern 60% Superman 55% Wonder Woman 50% Hulk 50% Catwoman 50% Iron Man 45% Supergirl 40% The Flash 40% Robin 37% Spider-Man 35%

You are dark, love gadgets and have vowed to help the innocent not suffer the pain you have endured.

Speaking of Batman… Thanks to overgenerous grandparents, your Maximum Leader’s villainous male offspring now has a Batman comforter, Batman sheets, Batman pillow-cases, and a Batman throw pillow. Your Maximum Leader wishes his ‘hood was so cool when he was that young. Alas, it was not.

And finally, speaking (again of Batman)… Batman and Robin was on HBO. Being a fan of the “Batman” franchise, your Maximum Leader watched until “Batman Begins” came on a different HBO. Frankly, Batman and Robin is an awful movie. It is right nigh impossible to watch in fact. Even with Uma Thurman. (Who is easy on the eye you know.) Well… It does have George Clooney in it too. As the Caped Crusader. Mrs Villain finds Mr Clooney very easy on the eye. Your Maximum Leader has tried to convince her that Mr Clooney’spolitics would likely be a turn off, but Mrs Villain will hear none of it.

After a few scenes of Clooney as Batman Mrs Villain blurted out that if Mr George Clooney propositioned her; she would have wild tawdry monkey sex with him. Well, this revalation shocked your Maximum Leader something horrible. But he was able to gather his wits about him and start to work… There is now an “understanding” between your Maximum Leader and his lovely spouse Mrs Villain. If she is propositioned by George Clooney she is free to lay aside for a moment her vows. If your Maximum Leader is propositioned by the dreamy Jennifer Love Hewitt, he is free to lay aside his vows. After one encounter the matter would be spoken of no more… Not a bad deal. Improbably that it will ever be activiated… But isn’t that Bismarck said about all his secret treaties?

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has been enjoying himself over the past few days.

Photographic evidence of such:

Light posting through Wednesday… Well, probably light posting… You never know how if the urge to blog will overtake your Maximum Leader.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees, on the Reuters news wire no less, that one Fateh Mohammed, of a dark, dank, and dangerous Pakistani Prison, recently underwent surgery to… Erm… Well… Let’s read the headline again: Operation removes lightbulb from anus. The money quote:

The doctor treating Mohammad said he’d never encountered anything like it before, and doubted the felon’s story that someone had drugged him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose.

Imagine your Maximum Leader channelling his best Dr. Evil voice. “Yeah… Right…”

One supposes, however, that this news item now will give creedence to all those urban legends about people coming into emergency rooms around the world will all manner of objects “stuck” in their anus. Everyone has heard a gerbil story (or two). Your Maximum Leader and the Smallholder once got a chuckle (and frankly still do get chuckles) from a story where the object was an egg. Heh.

Anyho… Fateh Mohammed, your Maximum Leader hopes that you just stick to sodomy in the future and try not to use lightbulbs again.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader figured he’d do something he doesn’t often do. Blog about a pleasant interaction he had with the bureaucrats of his Federal Government. And not just any bureaucrats, but bureaucrats at the Internal Revenue Service. That’s right, your Maximum Leader’s blogging about The Man.

You see, a few months back your Maximum Leader got a letter from the Internal Revenue Service claiming that he owed Uncle Sam’s treasury money from when he filed his 2003 taxes. Your Maximum Leader went through his records and found that he had probably misfiled a one form and that was the cause of the problem. He wrote a polite letter and sent via overnight carrier the letter and copies of his tax documents to the agent at the IRS. He then made a follow-up call to the agent to ensure that the documents were recieved. They were. But the agent, at the time, hadn’t had a chance to review them. The agent said that he would call back in the next few weeks with a disposition. Well, not only did the agent call and say all was well and the mix-up now cleared up; but a letter to the same effects showed up on the exact same day in the mail.

So, in this one transaction, your Maximum Leader had a passable experience interacting with his Federal Government.

Of course, your Maximum Leader is still a retrograde Steve Forbes supporting flat-tax geek and would like to see the IRS (more or less) eliminated. But he will at least say that he had an okay experience with The Man.

Carry on.
—-
EXTENDED BODY:

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has really been busy over the past few days. He’d apologize for not posting, but he’s in no mood for it. You see, your Maximum Leader aches all over.

Now, your Maximum Leader in’t always much to complain (at least in this forum) about his physical aches and pains. But let him give you a little background…

Why is it that mothers are pampered and treated like bleedin royalty on Mothers Day? Well… If you have children you know the answer to this… It is because mothers suffer unspeakable torture at the hands of their spouse and offspring daily. Having to do laundry. Cook. Work. Teach. Toil.

But, without mothers where would civilization be? Nowhere, that’s where. Our mothers are ultimately responsible for civilization’s persistence.

Fathers on the other hand are responsble for civilization’s whimsy and fun. Fart jokes. Baseball. Laughing at the kids on the short bus. Grilled food. Beer. Pulling fingers. All these great things that make civilization more fun are the domain of men.

Now… Mothers get tired of fathers getting all the credit for fun… So on fathers day they conspire to make sure fathers don’t have any fun…

To wit: Your Maximum Leader and his esteemed father-in-law toiled like common labourers all weekend. Saturday and Sunday. We sweated. We toiled. We sunk concrete foundations. We used a pick-axe to break up the hardened soil around the Villainschloss. We drilled and hammered anchor spikes to a depth of 3 ft. We leveled. We laboured.

And for what? We laboured so that the Villainettes and the Wee Villain would have a little castle playset. With swings. And a slide.

Your Maximum Leader should have hired some Mexicans…

Or he should have liberated some dwarves…

Anyhow… He is achy…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader will share with you a number of random Friday thoughts and observations.

First, another revision and correction. A good friend and frequent reader e-mailed your Maximum Leader to take issue with another assertion made in his blogged IM conversation. (Who’da thunk that one IM conversation would generate two re-statments/clarifications/outright retractions.) This friend is a delightful, witty and fun (sorta single) woman. She is also quite attractive. She showers regularly. She waxes her legs, shaves her underarms, brushes and styles her hair and keeps impecable care of her physcial person. Now she informs me (via e-mail) that she aligns herself with the Green Party. Egads! Last time your Maximum Leader checked she was a liberal-progressive Democrat. Ah well… Plus ça change… you know. So it seems your Maximum Leader knows at least one Greenie gel who doesn’t have hairy pits, doesn’t reek of sweat, and is not in need of a shower.

NB to Howard Dean: Your Maximum Leader’s friend is not the type of person you want removing herself from your little (and growing littler) party.

Secondly, your Maximum Leader went by the local coffee house in town after lunch to get an iced Chai and chanced upon a thoroughly disreputable looking young man who was wearing a bright white t-shirt that read: “Wildly inaccurate… But fast as hell.” The phrase made your Maximum Leader chuckle. It’s not the same as the Mighty Buckethead’s “Heteful, Talentless, war-mongering, trailer trash… But it was a funny t-shirt.

By the way… Your Maximum Leader, it should not surprise you, is very mighty. Now! Go! Buy a Naked Villainy t-shirt.

Thirdly, your Maximum Leader was listening to his iPod through the Villainmobile radio today while driving about town. At one point he realized he must have had the volume up a little bit too high. You see, he felt a vibration in his leg that he thought was his cellular phone ringing on the vibrate mode… Turns out it was just the bass of the stereo causing the contents of his pocket to shake around.

Fourthly, your Maximum Leader is looking forward to dinner tonight… Grilled Delmonicos, mashed taters, and asparagus with hollandaise… Yum-my!

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader would like to thank the Big Hominid for his kind birthday wishes. They are much appreciated.

Additionally, some of you may have read the post (below) entitled “IMing with your Maximum Leader.” In the IM message your Maximum Leader asserted that Episcopalians in Maine would not bring any lobstah dishes to a church “covered dish” buffet. It just so happens that your Maximum Leader knows an Episcopalian from Maine (grew up there - left in 1968 to go to Vietnam and has not returned to live there, only visit, since). Your Maximum Leader asked his friend if they brought lobstah dishes to church buffets. It seems as though lobstah dishes at church dinners were, in fact, quite common - even expected - through the late 1960s. So that little bit of assumption by your Maximum Leader might be wrong.

According to Rachel, today is Blog Naked Day. Alas, your Maximum Leader is fully clothed at this stage. He may, as the day goes on, disrobe and blog again. If you are a female and blogging naked today, your Maximum Leader is pleased to receive photographic proof of such activities.

Your Maximum Leader is looking forward to joining other DC area bloggers tomorrow night for a little blogger togetherness. He will be modeling his new Naked Villainy T-shirt. The one that reads (on the back) “Well Educated. Well Informed. Well Fed. Well Hung. Get your own damn self one. They rock and chics dig them.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader did his quick post f last night and was about to log off his computer when a Yahoo Messenger window opened and he found himself invited to chat with an old college friend.

In the spirit of making blog posts out of IM conversations, here is what was written.

loyal reader chic: Hey man. I was needing to get some work done but I’ll procrastinate with you if you’re up for a chat!
Maximum Leader: Sure.
MaxLdr: I’m always up…
MaxLdr: for a chat..
LRC: rad
LRC: Whatcha doin’?
MaxLdr: drinking a bourbon and coke
LRC: nice.
MaxLdr: listening to iTunes
LRC: I haven’t had a bourbon and coke since … a long time.
MaxLdr: now playing: Dig it by the Beatles
MaxLdr: You should get one.
LRC: Me = not a Beatles fan
MaxLdr: Very patriotic drink
MaxLdr: not liking the Beatles = unAmerican
LRC: I’ve been sober since August. Did you know that?
MaxLdr: Are you a communist?
MaxLdr: No!
LRC: Green party. Is that the same as a communist?
MaxLdr: close
LRC: (I’m SOOOO not a member of the Green Party. I am SOOOO just pulling your leg.)
MaxLdr: all the Greenie gals I’ve known…
LRC: are easy?
MaxLdr: have hairy pits, smell of sweat, and look as though they could use a shower
LRC: Ah. Doesn’t really matter if they are easy at that point, eh?
MaxLdr: Not if you are drunk enough not to be able to smell
LRC: I have a friend whose dad stayed drunk so long he is now permanently not able to smell
MaxLdr: Sorry to hear that - but he prolly deserved it.
LRC: amen
MaxLdr: Abusing yourself like that…
MaxLdr: Let me refill my drink…

It goes on from there. If you would like to read the rest, click through below the fold. If not… Well then just surf on.

By the way… If there is an “emoticon” to symbolize sarcasm, your Maximum Leader would like to know what it is. If there isn’t such a beastie, there ought to be…

If you would like to chat with your Maximum Leader feel free to seek him out on Yahoo Messenger. His id is “nakedvillainy.”

Carry on.
(more…)

Voles in the Batesville neighborhood have been known to suffer gruesome deaths at the hands (or trigger finger?) of deadeye Polymath.

But Polymath did not reckon with the awesome power of the Vole Conspiracy.

Excerpt:

“In Ancient Rome, vole advisors were responsible for Caesar’s rise to power and his reign of a thousand years. Little did the people know that he was a mere puppet of the secretive ‘Dark Vole’ and his followers in the Temple of Eternal Vole Supremacy who had taken a vow of world domination. There is some evidence to suggest that Caesar himself was in fact a number of voles in a large suit with an electric head.”

Via Patem Paperium.

Via

Here’s a meme for our little corner of the blogosphere:

Write a modern Aesop’s Fable with anthropomorphicized animals and a twisted, twisted moral. Extra credit for alliteration.

I’m particularly looking at the Big Hominid. I’d love to see what sick little morality plays lurk below his mischieviously malevolent monobrow. Everyone else is encouraged to participate as well. I’ll link submissions below.

Greg the Barbary ape was out of shape.

He decided that he wanted to be a studly Barbary ape so he started to work out.

After three weeks of jogging, he noticed that he was starting to slim down. The lady Barbary apes were noticing too.

One day, Greg the Barbary ape noticed a hot little Barbary ape chick checking him out at the gym. He decided to jump off the tread mill and talk to her. But he turned his left ankle and fell on his face. The hot little Barbary ape chick laughed and ran away.

Unable to work out, Greg the Barbary ape porked up like a pufferfish at Golden Corral.

When his ankle healed, Greg the Barbary ape resumed his workout regimen.

After three weeks of jogging, he noticed that he was starting to slim down. The lady Barbary apes were noticing too.

One day, while buying an exercise bike, Greg the Barbary ape notice a hot little Barbary ape chick checking him out. He decided to walk across a set of pallets to talk to her.

But the pallets gave way.

Greg the Barbary ape shattered his ankle in eleventeen places.

Unable to work out, Greg the Barbary ape porked up like a feedlot steer with a compulsive eating disorder.

One day, Greg the obese Barbary ape waddled over to the mirror and noticed that his fur was turning white.

“God is out to get me!” Cried Greg the Barbary ape. “He doesn’t want me to be a studly Barbary ape! He wants me to be a mall Santa Claus with a belly full of jelly.”

But Greg the Barbary ape decided to fight back. Through the miracle of the internet, he started a website in which he directed and acted in his own subgenre of internet entertainment: Santa porn.

God was displeased with Greg the Barbary ape. One day, while Greg was porking his “elves” like a demented weasel, God gave him an aneurism.

Greg the Barbary ape was buried in the jungle. No one ever cut the grass around his tombstone.

Moral: “Don’t fight the fat. God will strike you down.”

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that there have been a number of robberies and attacks on the Mall in Washington DC. For those of you not from the Dee Cee area, or those of you from another planet, “The Mall” is the long, tree-lined expanse of green in the center of the city. The Capitol, Smithsonian, White House, and various public monuments all surround this open space.

For decades the Mall has been a crime-free area in a city riddled with crime. It was an area of the city where your Maximum Leader never thought of being attacked or victimized by criminals. Apparently no longer should that be the case.

Call your Maximum Leader heavy-handed, but he hope they find the criminals responsible. He also hopes the thugs violently resist arrest and have to be shot and killed to protect the lives of the arresting officers. Yes… It would be good if ill befalls the criminals.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader should let you all know that he will not be posting tomorrow through next Tuesday. Tomorrow he is taking the day off and he and Villainette #1 are going to Dee Cee for a day of culture and cuisine. (AKA: The Smithsonian and lunch out.) We might also take in the Nats v Dodgers contest tomorrow night.

Then it is off to the beach for a few days. He will return to posting on Tuesday…

In the meanwhile… Imagine yourself going to Ayn Rand Camp.

Carry on.