Returned and spent

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is returned from New York City. He had a great time, but must admit that between going non-stop while in the city and the time change; he is beat.

Beat. Tired. Kaput. He can hardly think straight. And with Halloween today he’s got many responsibilities with his villainous progeny to get done today.

Thus he doesn’t have a good idea for a post.

He will say that if you are in the NYC area in the next few months you should really check out Martin Short’s show “Fame Becomes Me.” It is very very funny. Your Maximum Leader laughed his arse off for 90 minutes straight.

With any luck, your Maximum Leader might actually have an idea to blog about today… Or tomorrow… Keep checking this space for more.

Carry on.

Housekeeping 10/23/06 Edition

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader returns to his blog. If any of you are out there and still reading - well thanks… You remain near and dear to your Maximum Leader’s heart. (For you know that he blogs for you…) If you know of minions who stopped reading for some mad reason - well… Tell them that they need to start again…

For those of you who care… Your Maximum Leader had a great time last week at his formal ball. It allowed your Maximum Leader to dress up in his tuxedo and look all dapper. Mrs. Villain was all bedecked in cocktail dress, pearls, and designer handbag. We were quite a site. The pre-ball party was a hit. (Your Maximum Leader had some guests over for dinner before the ball.) As you always should at a function like this, your Maximum Leader prepared enough food for about twice as many people as actually attended. Which was good as he lived off the leftovers all weekend. (Nothing quite like nibbling on prime rib and pork tenderloin for three days.)

Anyhoo…

Your Maximum Leader should inform you all that he will be gone for while this week as well. Depending on how things shake out he will be going to New York City on Thursday or Friday of this week. He’ll be staying for the weekend. Returning to the Villainschloss late on Sunday. Mrs Villain will join him for Friday through Sunday. It will be your Maximum Leader’s first trip to NYC since 2000. It will be Mrs. Villain’s first trip ever to the Big Apple.

It goes without saying that there will be no blogging during the trip… At this point our schedule on Saturday is somewhat flexible. We will likely go to the Met for a while. Mrs. Villain would like to go downtown and see the World Trade Center site. On some level your Maximum Leader does too. We’ll have to see how things work out.

Meals are planned. Lunch at Barney’s. Breakfast at Norma’s. Dinner at Felidia’s. Broadway play (Martin Short’s play - only one we could agree upon) followed by trip to a deli…

If you have any suggestions on things your Maximum Leader should take in while there - feel free to shoot him an e-mail.

In other news…

How about that Pittsburgh v. Atlanta game yesterday? Wow! What a contest. It was riveting football. Your Maximum Leader, who didn’t really care who won really, hardly left the sofa the game was so good. Frankly, the Philly v. Tampa Bay game was also excellent. It was hard to choose which to watch…

Anyhoo… Monday Night Football tonight… More baseball tomorrow…

Carry on.

Joyriding.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader thought he’d get some quality posting time in this week. Well, wrong he was. It looks like he will not be posting much until next week. His schedule became very hectic yesterday and doesn’t look like it will let up for a few days. What is your Maximum Leader doing?

Well… If you were in Bethesda, MD yesterday afternoon you might have seen your Maximum Leader tooling around in the 2006 Bentley Flying Spur. Your Maximum Leader is helping a friend narrow his search for a new family truckster. He’ll have to admit that the Bentley is a truly fine automobile. Probably the finest automobile he’s ever sat/ridden/drove in. Your Maximum Leader’s heart is filled with lust for the Bentley. Of course, your Maximum Leader’s preference would be for a Continental GT and not the Flying Spur… But hell… It takes all kinds…

Today your Maximum Leader is going to be in various places around DC on business. Tomorrow, your Maximum Leader is preparing for a formal ball he will be attending. Preparing in so much as he and Mrs Villain and your Maximum Leader’s Brother and Sister-in-law will be hosting 8 other couples for a pre-ball dinner… Lots of stuff to take care of… (Your Maximum Leader thinks he’s buying booze in fact…)

So, until later… Ciao.

Carry on.

The Undesired Gift

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was looking at one of his bookshelves and was noticing his copy of Larousse Gastronomique. And a story popped into his head. You see, for many years on this particular bookshelf there was a copy of Larousse Gastronomique and a very handsome copy of a “cookbook” put out by Le Cordon Bleu a Paris. They sat side by side as dual tomes of French culinary reference at your Maximum Leader’s fingertips.

But today, only the copy of Larousse Gastronomique remains…

The story begins in the late 1950s. Back then your Maximum Leader’s maternal grandfather was in the employ of the Department of Defense and seconded (as it were) to the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. Also back in those days, the French were full military members of NATO. From time to time business took your Maximum Leader’s grandfather from Washington DC to Paris. On these trips he got to fly first class, drink wine, eat good food, and meet with lots of military types who said “harumph, harumph, harumph” a lot.

On one of these trips to Paris, your Maximum Leader’s grandfather was taken by his French hosts to Le Cordon Bleu. He was feted, wine’d and dine’d and generally shown a good time. The next day your Maximum Leader’s grandfather returned to the famed cooking school to pick up a little something for his loving wife. He selected a new cookbook they had just published. It was about 500 pages thick. The tome was bound in green leather and covered in gold leaf. Roughly a third of the pages were colour photos of the food described in the pages. The “cookbook” was acutally a meal planner. The first chapter showed the various courses one should prepare for multicourse meals. Then subsequent chapter broke down the recipies for each course.

It was quite a book. Quite an impressive book in fact. It was the type of book that a collector of books would look at and want to own. In fact, it was more of a tome than anything you could get from the Easton Press.

Your Maximum Leader’s grandfather had the book smartly wrapped and flew it back in his carry on bag from Paris to Washington DC. Upon returning home he gave the book to his wife (your Maximum Leader’s maternal grandmother). She regarded the book dimissively and put it aside. She didn’t speak to him for a while.

You see, your Maximum Leader’s grandmother was insulted that her husband felt the need to suggest to her (by the gifting of the book) that she might need a fancy french cookbook. She was an excellent cook. And she didn’t need any fancy schmancy book to tell her how and what to cook for a 7 course formal summertime dinner.

So, the leather-bound, gold-leaf encrusted, fancy schmancy cookbook languished - unopened and unthought of - in the bottom of a closet for decades.

Decades later, your Maximum Leader came across the cookbook. He was rumaging through the closet looking for something else. He found the book and brought it out. He showed it to his grandparents, who explained the story. His grandmother said that if he wanted the book he could take it. Of course, he did.

So, the fancy Cordon Bleu cookbook and the Larousse Gastromonique sat side by side on his bookshelf for years.

Until they were both destroyed by a renegade dog while your Maximum Leader was in graduate school…

But that is another story.

Carry on.

Coincidence?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has been trying to blog. Really. He has. Friday he thought he posted something, but the post was swallowed by the ether of the internet.

Then he tried to post stuff over the weekend. No go…

Your Maximum Leader thinks that his problems blogging are somehow related to Nork Nuke tests.

He’ll try and get some stuff up here for your consumption later today.

Carry on.

Demon Gin?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader will be out and about in the greater Washington DC area today. This means that he may not post anything more than this today.

Yesterday Smallholder posted about the “demon rum” and how everyone in Congress must be a horrid alcoholic. Your Maximum Leader would like to draw you all a picture….

Life under drunken Congressmen:

Life under the pseudo-benevolent autocracy of your Maximum Leader:

There you have it.

Carry on.

Memory Failing

Pestilence

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader wants you all to be glad that you are not near the Villainschloss right now. Your Maximum Leader’s progeny are rife with pestilence. The Wee Villain has been suffering through some viral malady. Now Villainette #2 is feverish and taken to bed.

Frankly your Maximum Leader has been feeling a bit peckish. He’s had a tickle in his throat for a few days. He isn’t sure if it is virus related or allergy related. Whatever it is, it is annoying.

Your Maximum Leader, Mrs Villain, and Villainette #1 are now on a quest to disinfect the whole Villainschloss. Clorox will be applied to all handles, switches, knobs, pulls, and oft-handled areas. Bathrooms will be cleaned. Sheets will be washed. Beds and towels changed daily. All in the name of making us feel better. Because frankly, none of this probably does much to keep the virus from getting at us…

Carry on.

Happy Birf-day!

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader wants to take a moment to wish the Pontifex Maximus of Scatology a very happy birthday. Yes, good readers, this is the birthday of none other than your Maximum Leader’s best buddy, Kevin, the Big Hominid.

What can one say about a friend you’ve known for 30 of your 37 years on this green earth? Well… As your Maximum Leader has said to Mrs Villain on occasion, if Kevin were a woman we’d probably be married. Our kids would be horrible monstrocities of quasi-humanity… But we’d be happy.

(NB to Loyal Minions: Your Maximum Leader is very happy and very much in love with Mrs Villain… Just so you all know… He’ll even buy “things” for Mrs Villain when she asks. Without griping…)

Kevin is a good man. I am glad to be his friend. Sometimes I wish he weren’t hanging out in Korea. That would allow us to hang out more often. But… Distance is what it is.

Anyhoo… Your Maximum Leader thought he would re-run his Big Hominid creation myth post for your reading pleasure…

As we have all learned from Joseph Campbell, there are archetypes within the various religious and spiriual traditions of the world. After much careful research, your Maximum Leader can now illuminate for you, his dear minions, the similarities in the Big Hominid creation myth from the various world traditions.

According to the Nordic tradition, from the Ginnungagap (the emptiness) came Audhumla. Audhumla was the first creature, the primeval cow in fact. From Audhumla’s teats flowed the four rivers of milk which fed the next creature, Ymir the frost giant. Ymir spawned many frost giants who inhabited the world and became the enemies of the gods. During the time of the frost giants Audhumla found a salt lick to sustain herself. As she licked the salt, she created the first man, Buri. In time Buri found a mate and their child Bor was the father of the god Odin (Wotan for you Wagnerians out there). But after the creation of Buri, the tale of Audhumla fades. Your Maximum Leader has pieced together ancient runes and discovered that after creating Buri from the salt lick, Audhumla became constipated. She wandered throughout Midgard and Asgard seeking relief. After the Gods defeated the frost giants, Audhumla was found near Valhalla by Thor. Seeing her constipated state, Thor struck Audhumla on the flank with his hammer. A great torrent of manure flew from Audhumla. The manure mixed on the earth with her life-giving milk and formed a great boiling pit. Seeing the festering pit, the god Odin foresaw the eventual coming of a great being who would alternately use his powers equally for good and ill. Odin foresaw that the liquid would coalesce into a child. A child who would be known by his nom-de-blog, the Big Hominid…

According to the Greco-Roman tradition, Cronos (the titan and ruler of the heavens) ate the children he produced with his wife-sister Rhea. But Rhea determined to save one of her children. So she gave a stone wrapped in swaddling clothes to Cronos. Cronos, distracted by Gaia the earth-mother doing a striptease, ate the stone thinking it was his newborn son. The son grew to be Zeus. Zeus, in a fit of teenaged pique, faught his father and forced him to vomit up his siblings (Poseidon, Hades, Hera, Hestia, and Demeter); who joined Zeus in deposing his father and becoming the ruling gods. The little known postscript to this tale is that after vomiting up the siblings of Zeus, Cronos shat out the stone he’d eaten believing it to be Zeus. The feces-encrusted stone fell to the earth and it landed in the sea. The titan feces mixed with the same sea foam that would later spawn Aphrodite. The floating morass of titan feces infused sea foam drifted across the seas. It caused the destruction of Atlantis, and helped keep the sea monster Kraken entombed in the sea. But its greatest creation would come much later. That creation/spawn was to be the scatalogically preordained being, the Big Hominid…

According to the Indian tradition, Vishnu was walking one day and a lotus flower blossomed from his navel. Brahma sprung forth from the lotus blossom and set about creating the world. The oft forgotten part of the story is that after the lotus flower sprang forth from Vishnu’s navel, a Titan Arum blossomed from his anus and from that odourous flower were sprung a line of men who would join together the world of spirituality and scatology. It is said that this line of men continues to this day, and that the Big Hominid is known in some parts of rual India and Nepal as the 69th incarnation of the Rectali Lama…

Now you all can see the similarities of the various Hominidal creation stories. Accept them for what they are. And be joyous in your celebration of the anniversary of the birth of the one and only Big Hominid.

Happy Day! And many happy returns.

Carry on.

Who Knew?

Sadie reveals what the Maximum Leader and Elmo have in common.

Super Seekrit Note to Sadie: Has anyone mentioned that your humble Smallholder is the spitting image of Jon Stewart? Or that the Minister of Propaganda has more than a passing resemblence to K-Fed?

Smallholder: The Maximum Leader’s Friend

Text of my phone call to the Maximum Leader last night:

ML: “Hello?”

SH: “Hey. Just calling to let you know that the new Ryan Seacrest show on E! is about to do an interview with Jaime Pressly and Jennifer Love Hewitt.”

ML: “Jennifer Love Hewitt! Oh my god! (titters like a little girl)”

SH: “Oh wait, he is only interviewing Emmy nominees on this show, so Jennifer Love Hewiit won’t be on. Only Jaime Pressly. Talk to you later.” (Click)

UPDATE FROM YOUR MAXIMUM LEADER: Hummm… The Smallholder must be back at work again. To think… A man who would “crank call” his friends like this is out there teaching the youth of America. Weep for the future.

Introverts

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader wasn’t sure what to blog about today. Afterall, he just let go last night when he produced the previous post. So, he might do a few quick updates today for your reading pleasure.

The first one is this piece on Caring for your Introvert from The Atlantic Online. Your Maximum Leader’s favourite bit:

Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in whch only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics - Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon - is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I’ve read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered “naturals” in politics.

Humm… Introverts feel like actors when socializing. A good turn of phrase. Your Maximum Leader wonders how blogging would fit into this analysis?

One more bit your Maximum Leader with which your Maximum Leader is in complete agreement:

My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing.

Bingo!

Your Maximum Leader doffs his bejeweled floppy (myllan) cap to Don for the link.

Carry on.

Weapon of Choice

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader figured he’d take a moment to recap one of the highlights of his little excursion to Nemacolin Woodlands Resort & Spa. (And here you thought he was going to be going on more about Fatboy Slim…)

Your Maximum Leader went out while at Nemacolin and took advantage of their shooting facilities. He “borrowed” on of the Academy’s Berretta shotguns for his afternoon of killing nasty clays. The model he used was a Berretta Silver Pigeon III 12 guage over-under shotgun. (Mrs Villain, who came along shot the same model of gun in a shorter 20 guage version.)

Your Maximum Leader shot at 100 clays. After about 80 his shoulder really started to feel a little worn out. But he bravely (and happily in fact) went on and went after the last 20 clays.

But before giving you the whole story he must give you a few disclaimers… Your Maximum Leader, to his deep embarassment, does not own a shotgun. Rifles and pistols aplenty. But his gun safe is devoid of shotguns. He mentions this by way of explaining that he doesn’t have an opportunity to practice the skill of clay shooting often. In fact the last time he picked up a shotgun was at Nemacolin in December. Then he shot at 50 clays. He hit about 20 back in December. Prior to that he’d not fired a shotgun in about 12 years.

Last week, your Maximum Leader killed 57 of the 100 targets. Now… Some of you might think that that is a puny number. Allow your Maximum Leader to state that he was on pace to kill about 75 or 80 clays… Until your Maximum Leader’s instructor/guide/all-around-good-fellow Tim decided to kick it up a notch with your Maximum Leader. So your Maximum Leader is actually quite pleased with 57/100.

For most of the stations your Maximum Leader got the traditional treatment. This is to say that your Maximum Leader got the gun loaded. Positioned himself. Then called “pull.” On “pull” Tim would release the first clay and would hold the second clay until your Maximum Leader fired. Upon hearing the first report of the shotgun Tim would launch the second clay.

Your Maximum Leader did pretty well at this. He did have problems “picking up birds” (clays that is) that started their flight high above and behind him. He also had some problems getting a bead on the clays that “popped up” at a distance and then dropped rapidly out of your feild of fire. But all in all he was doing pretty well.

Then Tim decided to take your Maximum Leader to the next level. He decided to launch both clays on the calling of “pull.” Your Maximum Leader had a little trouble at this at first. But then he seemed to find a groove.

Aftr finding this faster groove Tim asked if he could even kick up the difficulty further. Tim suggested that your Maximum Leader do a speed round. This is to say that your Maximum Leader would load his shotgun and place 8 shells on the rail in front of him. Then when your Maximum Leader was ready, he’d call “pull.” When Tim heard the call he would start launching clays. He’d launch one every 10 seconds until he’d thrown 10 clays.

That was quite tough. Your Maximum Leader is pleased to say that he got the first two clays of the speed round. Alas, he only got two of the remaining 8 clays during the speed round. Your Maximum Leader had a little difficulty reloading. He would open the breech and the spent shells would eject. Then as he reached for the new shells he let the gun close a little. That small bit of closure made loading the lower chamber almost impossible without adjusting his hold on the gun. Tim said that this was a pretty good result for someone who had never done a speed round before. That made your Maximum Leader feel good.

So… After his experience at shooting clays, your Maximum Leader is considering getting a shotgun. He is thinking of a Beretta. But they are mighty pricey. Your Maximum Leader is also very partial to Rugers. Alas, the Rugers are very pricey too. Your Maximum Leader knows that if he gets a shotgun, he would like a new one. Although most of the weapon he owns are old and used (and all have some historical value to him), he feels that a new shotgun would be appropriate.

Of course, this discussion would be moot if your Maximum Leader were to fall into huge amounts of cash. If that were to happen he and Brian B would go to New York and be fitted for custom guns by Holland and Holland.

That would be cool.

Carry on.

Tough few days

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader just wanted to let you know he’s had a few tough days.

You know how he knows his day has been tough?

He had a Coke for lunch and mentioned to a dining companion that the Coke “tasted funny, abnormal…”

After moment he realized what was wrong… The Coke didn’t have bourbon in it.

Oy.

Carry on.

Warning

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader feels the need to let you all know that posting may be light over the next few days. He has some various commitments to attend to that will occupy much of his time. But fear not. When time permits your Maximum Leader will regale you all with pithy commentary on the days events - or whatever catches his fancy.

In case any of you remember… Your Maximum Leader should report that he had a great time at Nemacolin. He and Mrs Villain relaxed. She got spa treatments. He shot guns. We dined out. She shot guns. He shot guns. We dined out some more. It was piles of fun. If you are looking for a resort at which to spend a long weekend, your Maximum Leader will highly recommend Nemacolin.

The only negative comment your Maximum Leader could make about his trip was a slight critique of one restaurant on the property. One night your Maximum Leader and Mrs. Villain dined at Lautrec. It is a high end (very high end) restaurant on the property. The chef has been awarded the honors of “Best Chef in Pittsburgh” for two years running. But your Maximum Leader would have to say that the kitchen staff may have been a bit off their game. Some of the food (in a multicourse tasting menu) was rather indifferently seasoned. It was prepared and served with great care and precision. But Mrs Villain had a risotto that, he hates to admit, required salt and pepper. It was really bland. Your Maximum Leader had some escargot that was pretty conventional, which is to say overflavored with garlic. All in all, your Maximum Leader would refer you to any of the other restaurants on the property. They are all fantastic. And, as he said, Lautrec may have been having an off night…

Well… Again, be warned. Light posting ahead… But next week… Yes next week there is a big surprise in store for you all…

Big surprise.

Carry on.

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