Two great things that go great together…

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader directs you to America’s finest news source for this wonderful story: Baseball Fans Delighted by New Between Innings Fuck-Cams.

As you can probably tell from the link itself… The language is sort of saucy… So be aware if you have people reading over your shoulder…

Of course, one of the reasons for directing you to the link is that the ballpark used to roll-out the fuck-cam was your Maximum Leader’s own beloved National’s home field, Nationals Park.

While your Maximum Leader feels that the baseball product on the field in Washington ranges from “OMG they stink!” to “Nauseatingly incompetent” to “They just can’t catch a break can they?” he isn’t sure that pornography on the HD jumbo-tron is the answer…

It may be AN answer but it is not THE answer to the National’s woes…

THE answer would be a bullpen… And some better defensive players… And a one more guy with some speed… And…

Okay… Porn might be THE answer.

Carry on.

Ugh.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was hoping to have some picture blogging to share with you all (especially Robbo) today. Alas, he’s having a little problem at the Villainschloss. Apparently the washing machine has malfunctioned and partially flooded part of the dungeon. So… That is the pressing problem…

In the meanwhile…

According to the wonders of science… If you are a man and you want to keep your “boys” free from DNA defects or damage (and by “boys” your Maximum Leader means “your swimmers.” Okay… He means sperm.); then you need to have sex every day.

Scientists say so. It is reported on the interwebs so it must be true.

While the context of this piece deals with men getting women pregnant… Your Maximum Leader figures he doesn’t want to have any of his “swimmers” suffering from DNA defects. He’ll have to tell Mrs Villain that more “conjugation” is in order for health reasons.

Also… It would stand to reason that if a man wants to get a woman pregnant he should have sex with her frequently…

Your Maximum Leader should be a scientist…

Carry on.

What is it with Argentina?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that Palmetto State Governor Mark Sanford has fessed-up to having an affair with a woman in Argentina.

Well… More accurately he’s been having an affair with a woman. The affair was discovered when he jetted off to Argentina to have a little Father’s Day fling with the woman. It is unclear to your Maximum Leader if the woman is in any way related to Argentina - except perhaps in the “she likes to have sex” there way. Your Maximum Leader is sure that Argentina is a great place. If he ever gets a chance to visit (which he has always wanted to do), he will likely do so with Mrs Villain. He also imagines that whatever it is that makes American men horny in Argentina will affect him. Lucky Mrs Villain will be with your Maximum Leader so there will be no need for resignations, apologies and recriminations upon his return.

Your Maximum Leader wonders if the woman is in fact Andrea Rincon? You may recall that last week your Maximum Leader mentioned rumors that Bill Clinton had “tapped” Ms. Rincon. (A rumor that persists this week.) What would be the chances that Governor Sanford also “tapped” Ms Rincon?

Great jeezey chreezey! If Andrea Rincon had been liasing with both Clinton and Sanford that would be a heck of a story! Not only that but your Maximum Leader would have to declare that Ms. Rincon would be the sexiest woman in politics so far this year!

Riddle your Maximum Leader this, how many more prominent Republicans will be caught cheating on their wives? 2 more? 3 more? Your Maximum Leader should run an over/under pool on this… He will say the number is 2. Over/under two more prominent Republicans caught cheating on their wives by the end of 2009.

Never fear loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has never cheated on Mrs Villain. He doesn’t ever plan on cheating on Mrs Villain. Of course, if the dreamy Jennifer Love Hewitt (or very desireable Grace Thorsen) happened to proposition him; he would be sorely tried.

Carry on.

Scurrilous gossip

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader thanks you all for your kind birthday wishes. He will try to respond to all of you individually over the next day or so.

All in all his birthday was a good one. Mrs Villain is being very coy about the gift for your Maximum Leader from her and the kids. He’s not received anything yet except word that “You’ll enjoy it.” So he continues to wait. He does know that Mrs Villain has spent an inordinately high amount of money on the gift so far - but has been careful to not put anything down in a way that would enable your Maximum Leader to figure things out. If you Maximum Leader had to guess, he would guess that Mrs Villain is going to spirit him away to the Nemocolin Resort next weekend. (Nemacolin is one of your Maximum Leader’s favorite places.)

Anyhoo…

None of what he’s shared with you yet is scurrilous gossip…

One of your Maximum Leader’s more rabidly political friends contacted him yesterday night via an email that said “Hey. Bill Clinton is tapping this.” (Please consider that link sorta NSFW.)

Your Maximum Leader, of course clickyed the linky and surveyed the photos of one Agentine beauty, Andrea Rincon. She is one hot little number. Of course, your Maximum Leader tried to get his friend on the phone and find out how he would know this jucy tidbit. Alas, he’s not made contact yet. He did find this on the Washington Post today. Apparently, Al Kamen is reporting that according to President Clinton’s people nothing happened between Ms Rincon and the former President.

Now… Your Maximum Leader is a very happily married man. He would never cheat on his wife… But if your Maximum Leader were Bill Clinton he would definately “tap” Ms. Rincon. Afterall, what happens on a fundraising trip to Buenos Aries stays in Buenos Aries. In fact, if your Maximum Leader were Bill Clinton he would likely be spending all of his time overseas doing everything possible to “improve the United States’ reputation” amongst hot foreign women.

Just sayin’.

Carry on.

Love. It.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader’s friend FLG sent him a link to a page with a title that read thus: Art Peaks Forever as Two Chicks Lightsaber Battle in Their Underwear Without Irony. FLG comments that your Maximum Leader “might like this.”

Might like it? Hell. Your Maximum Leader LOVES IT.

For your viewing pleasure:

Carry on.

Bourbon & Branch

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is reminded about two bourbon related items in his memory due to a comment by John S attached to the recent (lengthy) post called “The Quest for Ham.” John S. relates that bourbon is a good liquid accompaniment to a meal including country ham. Your Maximum Leader quite agrees. Indeed, bourbon is a great accompaniment to many meals.

But this talk of bourbon caused your Maximum Leader to remember two bourbon related items (as he was saying). Here is the first…

Your Maximum Leader grew up in Alexandria, VA. (Well, technically Fairfax County, VA - but the mailing address was Alexandria.) And while that is Virginia, he later learned that Northern Virginia was viewed by those residing in areas south of Fairfax County believed there was more “North” in that region than “Virginia.” In some respects that is true, but in a great many it is not. Well. Upon moving to a more southern part of the Commonwealth to attend college and work he learned a great many things. One of these things was what the hell “bourbon and branch water” was.

While at college your Maximum Leader had the occasion to meet a great many interesting folks who could have been characters out of a Faulkner novel. (This was made ironically funny by the fact that some of these characters had met/studied under/gotten drunk with Faulkner hissownself while the latter was teaching at UVA.) One time while at the home of one of these characters with a few other characters it came time to make drinks. (Indeed, time to make drinks was generally right after exchanging greetings and before sitting down on the porch.) One genteel older lady asked for a “bourbon and branch water.” Your Maximum Leader was probably 18 at the time at this was the first time he’d ever heard someone ask for bourbon and branch water. As the evening went on, and the drinks continued to flow (your Maximum Leader was drinking cheap Scotch with lots of ice and water) he finally got up the courage to ask what exactly was this “branch water” that people would mix with their bourbon? Well… Let us just say that these good people knew when was the appropriate time to pull wool over a young babe’s eyes. And that was the time. Your Maximum Leader was then subjected to a 35 minute dissertation by two older gentlemen about what actually constituted “branch water.” One declaimed that the only true branch water was that collected from the dripping dew off hardwood trees in the spring and fall when the dew points were sufficiently low. The other declaimed that in fact branch water could be the dew collected off of any species of tree or large bush. Given the passion (and length of discourse) between these two men about what was branch water, your Maximum Leader went on for about a week believing that in fact branch water was collected from dew off trees and bushes.

Okay… Your Maximum Leader was a bit drunk at the time and in retrospect should have inquired further about the actual means of production to get details… Alas, questions concerning the collection, bottling and distribution of branch water didn’t occur to a drunken Maximum Leader. Your Maximum Leader was accidentially disabused of this deception when another old southern gentleman explained that he had a lovely little “branch” flowing from a spring on his property. When pressed to explain the etymology of “branch” in this context your Maximum Leader learned that “branch water” is in fact water from a small clear stream (often fed by a spring).

There is story number one. Story number two…

Well not so much a story as a comment. A number of years ago a good friend sent to your Maximum Leader an e-mail containing the transcript of a letter written to West Point Commandant General William Connor from Col. Simon B. Buckner, Jr. containing the Buckner family recipe for a mint julep. If you’ve not read this you probably ought to. Here is a link to the whole affair - including the set-up. If you are interested in the most famous part of the exchange (Buckner’s letter to Connor) that link is right here.

Your Maximum Leader’s friend added some acid commentary to the over-flowery nature of Buckner’s letter to Connor and how no matter how you dress it up the drink is just sugar water, bourbon, ice and mint. Many years ago your Maximum Leader agreed with the assessment of Buckner’s description being over the top. But now, years later, it doesn’t seem so over-done at all. Indeed, like the hams your Maximum Leader wrote so fondly of just a few days ago; sometimes doing something the old fashioned way is pretty damned good. Your Maximum Leader thinks that he’ll seek out a branch flowing from a clean cool spring and make himself some juleps to go with his ham on Easter…

Carry on.

Update from your Maxmium Leader: Greetings, readers of that well known public intellectual R.S. McCain. Thanks for visiting. Your Maximum Leader hopes you stick around and check out other posts. Of course, if you are looking for bourbon and boobs he is happy to acquiesce to your requests. Bourbon post is above (as you surely know) and the boobs come to you from the co-star of “My Name is Bruce” Grace Thorsen.
Grace Thorsen

Carry on.

Civil Unions

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader and his very good friend Smallholder had, in this space, a going debate about Gay Marriage a few years ago. Smallholder was disappointed in your Maximum Leader’s continuing adherence to marriage as a primarially religious institution from which gays should be barred. This discrimination irritated Smallholder then, and likely still does to this day. Moreover, this position has not endeared your Maximum Leader to a few gay people he knows.

So, let your Maximum Leader throw some stuff out there for you all to read over (and maybe think about). Your Maximum Leader has not changed his opinion that marriage is a fundamentally socio-religious institution that is meant to give a permenant bonded status to a man and a woman for the purposes of procreation and child-rearing. Over time, this relationship as become a cornerstone of civil society. As such it has had legal benefits attached to it. Because of these legal benefits, many people believe that marriage as an institution should be open to all loving couples who want to partake of it.

Your Maximum Leader still firmly believes that marriage is a hetrosexual institution. But he understands the legal benefit argument put forward by many who disagree with him. There is a libertarian streak in your Maximum Leader that doesn’t like the state telling him that he can only allocate resources (or benefits) that he has accrued (or otherwise earned or paid for) to specific people - namely his family. If your Maximum Leader wanted to put his friend Kevin on his health insurance policy (and pay the corresponding premiums) that choice should be available to him. It is not of course, and this is one of the instances of injustice that supporters of gay marriage frequently cite.

Your Maximum Leader has, at least privately - and perhaps on this blog (although he can’t find a link right now), maintained that “the government” shouldn’t be in the business of marriage. We live in a free (at least for the moment) society where many people do not share religous beliefs. We also live in a secular state. Knowing this it seems reasonable to allow a general “civil union” be be an option for all couples who might want to get some legal benefits that currently accrue only to married people.

You might be saying “Self, my Maximum Leader seems to be making a semantic distinction here.” Perhaps he is. Perhaps supporters are making their own semantic non-distinction.

Anyhoo…

Your Maximum Leader read an interesting article on the WaPo web site the other day. Here is said interesting WaPo article: Straight Couples in France are Choosing Civil Unions Meant for Gays. Some tidbits from the piece:

The PACS [Civil Solidarity Pact] was introduced a decade ago by France’s then-Socialist Party government. Parliament approved the measure only after a fierce debate because, although its wording was deliberately ambiguous, the arrangement was understood mainly as a way for gay couples to legalize their unions even though under French law they are not allowed to marry.

In passing the law without making it specific to gays, however, France distinguished itself from other European countries that have approved civil unions or even marriage for same-sex couples. As a result of that ambiguity, the PACS broadened into an increasingly popular third option for heterosexual couples, who readily cite its appeal: It has the air of social independence associated with the time-honored arrangement that the French call the “free union” but with major financial and other advantages. It is also far easier to get out of than marriage.

But even though their arrangements are now socially accepted, unmarried couples living together have found they face financial and administrative disadvantages compared with their married friends. Joint income tax returns can lower the annual bill considerably. Inheritance laws make transferring property to someone who is not a legal spouse more expensive and more difficult. Dealing with the French administration can be an ordeal without legal documents attesting to a place of residence and a social status.

But PACS unions are also seen as more appealing than marriage because they can be dissolved without costly divorce procedures. If one or both of the partners declares in writing to the court that he or she wants out, the PACS is ended, with neither partner having claim to the other’s property or to alimony.

So by taking advantage of the PACS, French couples get the legal benefits of marriage (like transfering property, establishing residency and joint tax returns) but aren’t married. Indeed, the PACS seems to be growing in popularity throughout France.

Your Maximum Leader’s French language skills are not good enough to find out if French homosexuals are outraged because they still can’t get married - even though a substitute institution with the same legal benefits exists.

Your Maximum Leader believes that an institution similar to the PACS would be a viable option in the United States.

Carry on.

UPDATED: Our friend FLG writes in the comments: “Tangentially, couples who do get married in France must get married in a civil ceremony regardless of whether they will subsequently be married in a church or not. So, a Catholic couple will have a small ceremony at City Hall, and then go to a church for the religious ceremony. However, only the first is legal binding.” Your Maximum Leader thought he knew this fact. He also meant to make reference to France’s history (since the Revolution) of strict secularism in public affairs. Alas, your Maximum Leader often publishes ill-thought through crap on his blog so he didn’t make this point. All in all your Maximum Leader would prefer to see the US go towards a more secular approach to benefits and couple’s legal status. Religion can flourish where it is not interfered with by the state.

Carry on… (Again.)

Best Beer Ad Ever

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader got an email from an old college friend yesterday. It contained a link to a You Tube video. The only clue to the link was the subject line of the email “Best beer ad ever.”

To wit, your Maximum Leader presents the “best beer ad ever.”

Heh. Your Maximum Leader will have to get a Guinness tonight.

Carry on.

The V-day in review.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader’s Valentine’s Day did not go as planned. It started to go south when Villainette #2 started acting up with her friends here (from the sleepover). Your Maximum Leader disciplined her quietly and not in front of her friends so as not to embarass her too much. Alas, she was a bit thickheaded and needed another go - this time in front of everyone. No fun… Your Maximum Leader’s mood perceptibly grew a little foul.

Then, Mrs Villain and the Villainettes had a group of kids over to work on a school project. This school project involved painting some sheets to use as a backdrop to a play. Mrs Villain didn’t think through the painting and had the kids paint the (thin cotton) sheets on top of a (thin cotton) sheet on the carpeted floor of the Villainschloss basement. Needless to say, the carpet got painted too. Your Maximum Leader had to go out and get one of those industrial-strength carpet cleaner thingies to save the day. The day is pretty much saved - but it wasn’t pretty and your Maximum Leader was starting to get really pissy.

Then came time for dinner. Your Maximum Leader had planned a feast of T-bone steak, fried oysters, roasted-garlic mashed potatoes and green beans. Well… Villainette #1 decided she didn’t want to help peel potatoes. Your Maximum Leader told her that if she didn’t she was getting a peanut butter sandwich for dinner. Villainette #1 thought the threat was an idle one, so she left. Your Maximum Leader was now very pissy. He cooked four (instead of five) steaks, fried up the pound of oysters he bought (already shucked - this morning in fact), and got everything cooked. Dinner was served and Villainette #1 was surprised to discover that not only was she going to actually get a peanut butter sandwich for dinner; but that it was served to her on a Lightning McQueen plate normally reserved for her 4 years old brother. She was all sorts of upset. She sulked through dinner. Your Maximum Leader was informed by Mrs Villain at the table that she didn’t want any oysters (fried or otherwise). Villainette #2 had a couple of oysters (she liked them but wanted more steak). So it fell to your Maximum Leader to eat pretty much all of the oysters. (NB: They were quite delicious. Lightly breaded in a corn-meal/flour mix and a little buttermilk.)

Did your Maximum Leader mention that he started drinking bourbon and coke from his 20 oz tiki mug earlier in the day? No? Ooops.

So now your Maximum Leader is all hopped up with oysters and liquor. And what does he decide to do?

Go and read blogs of course…

He should draw your attention to the best “Valentine’s Day” type post he’s read in a long time. Mr. C.S. Perry is a friggin genius. Not only is Mr. C.S. Perry a friggin genius, but he caused your Maximum Leader to remember through a bourbon induced haze that he is filled with the amourousness that comes through alcohol and oysters in mass quantities. In fact he is likely filled with enough amourousness to occupy two normal men his age (or one 16 year old boy).

Mrs Villain has, of course, turned in early and is fast asleep.

At this point your Maximum Leader is seriously considering… Well… He’s considering lots of options…

Damn.

Carry on.

Wife gets nailed.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader submits for your viewing pleasure the short film “Nailing your Wife” starring Nathan Fillion and Aria Giovanni.

Very funny.

Carry on.

Signs of the end of civilization as we know it. Part 10,873

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, who is not a tiny man, sees that the Supreme Court of Canada has ruled that obese people have the right to two seats on an airplane for the price of one seat. Great jeezey chreezy. What the hell is wrong with the justices of the Canadian Supreme Court? This is just another sign of the impending end of civilization as we know it.

In that vein…

Your Maximum Leader has an overactive sex drive and is well-endowed. Would that entitle him to two prostitutes for the price of one in Canada?

Just wondering.

Carry on.

Things that are wrong

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader would like to bring to your attention a number of things that are just wrong.

Number 1: Game Six of the World Series will be delayed by a paid advertisement from Barack Obama. (If the game is required,) It will be delayed by 15 minutes. Senator Obama is buying 30 minutes of prime time to deliver a “longform” speech to the American people. Your Maximum Leader is offended by this. He is offended when any sporting event is pre-empted by something sort of a serious national crisis. While some of your Maximum Leader’s Obama supporters readers might be tempted to say that we are in a serious national crisis… Listen… Your Maximum Leader means SERIOUS. If a speech can be scheduled in advance it is not SERIOUS. Just have Senator Obama start earlier. Damnation.

Number 2: American gluttony. Apparently some guy ate a 15 pound burger (with an additional 5 pounds of fixins’ and bun) in under 5 hours. This just seems wrong.

Number 3: Irish bookies paying out bets made for an Obama victory - now. Great jeezey chreezey! What the hell is going on in the world that bookies are paying out bets made on the outcome of an event that has not yet occured?!? This violates so many different rules it leaves your Maximum Leader just gobsmacked. Let it be known that this would never occur in the Mike World Order. Never.

Number 4: Palin lookalike strippers to strut stuff. What is wrong with this you might ask? Well… Doctrinal issues aside… This event will take place and your Maximum Leader will likely forget to look for photos on the internet to see how it went…

Carry on.

Totally geeking out

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has a question for you…

Background…

Your Maximum Leader was sitting today watching a few minutes of “The Sarah Connor Chronicles” that he has on the ole Tivo. As he was watching the beautiful and talented Summer Glau he wondered to himself…

Here is the question…

Would having sex with a Terminator “count” as actually having sex? Would it “count” as adultery if you were married? Afterall the Terminator isn’t a person. In this context one could suppose that the Terminator was nothing more than a really tricked out love-doll…

And before any of your Maximum Leader’s doctrinally informed friends make note of it… Yes, your Maximum Leader knows about Matthew 5:28. But even on that account if one is parsing - and isn’t that what we’re doing here - one could make a bit about the whole “woman” aspect of it. Jesus doesn’t say “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a robot covered in particularly sexy artificial flesh lustfully has already committed adultery with her/it in his heart.” Can you really have sex with a uber-sexy terminator? Isn’t really just masturbation?

Just asking.

Sad to what depths your Maximum Leader has dipped isn’t it? There is a war going on in Georgia. Inflationary pressures are rising. Hilary Clinton is going to have her name put into nomination at the Democratic convention (Kwame not welcome by the way - don’t bother RSVPing). Julia Child was a spy. And California burns. And all your Maximum Leader can choose to write about is some pointless non-ethical issue invovling imaginary killing machines that resemble sexy women.

Pathetic.

Carry on.

Maturity coming?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has noticed something recently. He isn’t sure what is happening, but he suspects that is has something to do with maturity.

He’s been noticing that he’s been thinking to himself how damned attractive Nancy Travis and Gabrielle Anwar are. He’s found himself watching “The Bill Engval Show” on TBS (Mrs Villain likes it - your Maximum Leader thinks it is okay, but Nancy Travis makes some of the tired writing okay…) and “Burn Notice” on USA. Nancy Travis - google tells your Maximum Leader - is 47 years old. Gabrielle Anwar is 37. Travis has two kids. Anwar - 3. Neither appear to be silly bimbos that you find on gossip sites all the time.

Humm… Could this be a sign of your Maximum Leader growing more mature and stodgy?

No need to answer that… Your Maximum Leader already knows the answer…

Carry on.

NSFW Debate… A second glance…

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is sure that you all were sitting on the edge of your proverbial seats yesterday. You were sitting there wondering to yourselves “Self, did the Page 3 girls beat up on the militant lesbian feminists at the Oxford Union last night?” Your Maximum Leader wondered that to himself. He also wondered if there was a beat-down, was jell-o or chocolate pudding involved? (Baby oil, being a petroleum product, would be waaaaaay too expensive. Even in a high-class joint like the Oxford Union.)

Well… Because you all wanted to know… The proposition against Page 3 (and its girls) was soundly defeated 230-129. You can read all about it by (Boobie warning! Clicking the link will expose your tender eyes to exposed human female mammaries) clicking here.

Jolly good show!

Carry on.

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