Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, after finding the Bruce Campbell ad below, was just browsing around on You Tube. While there he found a small bit from Eddie Izzard’s comedy routine “Dress To Kill.”

Izzard is one of your Maximum Leader’s favorites. Give a listen. But use headphones or something because (as with all comedy it seems nowadays) the routine is rife with the ole F-*** word.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader realizes that his comments are disabled. Some readers are kind enough to tell your Maximum Leader that his RSS feeds and archives might be intermittently available as well. Your Maximum Leader will have to poke around under the hood of his blog a little more to see if he can resolve some of these problems. In the end he thinks he’ll have to change hosting companies to ultimately finish these problems.

Anyhoo…

Your Maximum Leader doesn’t get many e-mailed messages about his postings. (NB: Minion Molly, are you still out there? Your Maximum Leader is curious.) But from time to time he gets a little bit of virtual goodness tha is a fun e-mail. He recently received such a message. It came from loyal minion Buckethead from the Ministry of Minor Perfidy. Buckethead writes:

Dear Maximum Leader,
The last few days, I’ve been frustrated by the lack of comments on your bloggy thing. Toast is toast not because of warmth, but because of dryness. Granted, that dryness is often introduced by heat. The perfect toast is crunchy in a thin layer on the outside of the bread, and warm and moist goodness on the inside. Also, who cares which backstabbing medieval eye-tie despot (is there any other kind?) is better? The real question is which emotional state is preferable: fear, or apathy? Additionally, don’t get me started on the Red Dawn. I would have loved that movie unreservedly had it not been for the fact that the guerrilla group shared a mascot with the university of Michigan. Finally, Mary Magdalene is probably buried somewhere in the south of France, because the Da Vinci Code is all true, true I say.

Well… What can we say about all that? First off, your Maximum Leader hopes that Buckethead will not be offended by your Maximum Leader posting his e-mail. Your Maximum Leader has been wanting to post more than he has, but finds that actually writing a post is a problem. Thus, having at least part of a post pre-written for you seems like a great idea!

Now… To address Buckethead’s issues:

Your Maximum Leader, like Buckethead, realizes that toast has to do with dry and not just heat. The question was posed rhetorically because your Maixmum Leader was home at the time with the wee Villain and Villainette #1 who were both suffering from the same stomach flu. Villainette #1 announced that she was going to make some toast. Then she proceeded to put a piece of bread into the microwave for 15 sec on high. She announced that this was “her” idea of toast. This struck your Maximum Leader as some sort of heretical idea. “Her” idea of toast. She might as well have been saying “my personal truth” or some such nonsense. So, we talked for a little while about what makes toast toast. She still hasn’t been won over by your Maximum Leader’s oratory on toast to come around to the fact that warm bread is not toast. But she will. You Maximum Leader thinks she is just being a contrairian…

Your Maximum Leader must differ with Buckethead and say that there is a difference between one medieval potentate and the other. In the end, your Maximum Leader thinks it is better to be Grand Duke of Florence. Reasons being these: 1) Absolute monarchy vs. Some weird system whereby the Doge is elected and still suffers oversight by the city fathers; 2) More artists patronize Florence and more artists are Florentine than Venitian; 3) Better chance of having a family member become Pope; 4) Machiavelli wrote for Florence; 5) Your city, while it might flood from time to time, wasn’t always sinking into a lagoon.

Frankly, those seem like pretty compelling reasons…

And lastly… Dan Brown… Gawd your Maximum Leader thinks about Dan Brown and wonders if that sumbitch is waking up every day laughing at everyone who bought his book, bought tickets to the movie, or created some DaVinci Code knock-off book that probably pays him some sort of royalty. If Dan Brown isn’t laughing his arse off every day - he ought to be.

Direct comments, questions, desperate pleas for help, or photos of yourself (if you are cute and female) to your Maximum Leader at either address on the left side nav bar.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t know what to think of the world sometimes. He just doesn’t. Really. He was pretty busy on Friday and didn’t have time to blog. As readers know, he generally doesn’t blog over the weekend. (The weekend being time for your Maximum Leader to spend time with his family, friends, and himself…) Then you come back on Monday and get whammy-ed by the news.

Three Amish girls killed in their school by the milkman.

A popular (gay) Republican Congressman resigns because he’s been “e-mailing” Congressional pages. This Congressman had been leading the subcommittee that handles issues of missing and exploited children. Who knows what the Republican Leadership knew and when?

Bob Woodward’s new book says that Colin Powell was fired, the White House knowingly misled the American people - and continues to do so, and that the CIA might have actually warned Condoleeza Rice of an impending attack on the US.

Various videos of the September 11th terrorists and Osama Bin Laden are released and available. (See them courtesy of Dr. Rusty.)

And finally… Although he was ready… Fidel Castro didn’t die. (At least according to his best bud Hugo Chavez.)

Really now… That was one hell of a weekend. And we haven’t even begun to talk about sports or local news…

Your Maximum Leader wonders what the hell is going on in the world sometimes. It makes him shake his head and wonder what sort of a world his children will live in.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees on the news wire that one Melinda Duckett has killed herself after taping a segment on the CNN Nancy Grace show. Now let your Maximum Leader state, up front, that he is sure that Ms Duckett’s family is likely quite shaken and griefstricken due to the disappearance of Ms Duckett’s son and her subsequent suicide.

But Nancy Grace?

Great jeezey creezey! Your Maximum Leader has never appeared on Nancy Grace’s program. Your Maximum Leader will never appear on Nancy Grace’s program. Indeed, your Maximum Leader has not watched a complete episode of Nancy Grace’s program. After a few minutes of watching Nancy Grace, your Maximum Leader wanted to either kill her - or himself.

Frankly, whenever it comes down to killing himself or someone else; your Maximum Leader always chooses killing someone else. When the MWO comes, Nancy Grace will be dragged out and shot - for the good of humanity and the TV viewing audience. That woman is completely insane.

Now your Maximum Leader does get angry when victims are “forgotten” or “aren’t heard” (to the extent that those cliches mean anything). But he would prefer to channel his anger into socially constructive avenues. He likes voting for tough prosecutors. He likes spending his tax money on the police. He likes community watch programs and involvement. He does not like ranting like a mad woman on CNN and coming off as only slightly sane.

But, Nancy Grace doesn’t mind those things. Who really watches Nancy Grace? Really? I think that Jeff (of Beautiful Atrocities and Agent Bedhead fame) might have watched her once or twice. But he’s a smart, hip, fellow. He may mock her… But to mock does not require regularly tuning in…

One wonders if some overly ambitious lawyer will approach the Ducketts and convince them to sue Grace for some sort of trumped up civil wrongful death suit… Talk about irony…

Carry on.

Is it just me or is the incorporation of instant messaging into standard English a sign of the approaching apocalypse?

It’s just me?

Ok. Never mind then.

But if you do want to laugh out loud, I offer you this gem from Agent Bedhead:

“Jessica Alba is everything Paris Hilton is not: poised, gracious, publicly well behaved and physically attractive. (Okay, they’re both ot-nay oo-tay ight-bray, if you know what I mean. But Jessica is adorably dumb, like a cocker spaniel puppy, while Paris is more like that tick-infested possum that keeps rooting around in my garbage cans.)”

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader comes out of his hole to blog. And what does he choose to blog about? The raging war in the Middle East? The raging civil war in Iraq? The raging lunatic running North Korea? The raging hormones of millions of teenaged boys?

Nope. He’s going to be blogging about Andrea Yates.

As he is sure you’ve read by now, Andrea Yates was retried for the murder of her children and has been found not guilty by reason of insanity. According to Reuters Yates:

who is being treated with anti-psychotic drugs, looked stunned and tears welled in her eyes when the verdict was read. She hugged defense attorney George Parnham, who also defended her in the first trial, before she was led away by a court bailiff.

Awww… Poor little psychotic not-mommy. Your Maximum Leader, who in most cases is a font of human compassion and mercy, has a hard heart where Andrea Yates is concerned.

In point of fact, your Maximum Leader is disgusted by all the good Christian people who are all to happy to forgive Andrea Yates for her crimes. The leading forgiver? Ex-husband Rusty. Says Ex-hubby and chief forgiver Rusty Yates:

“It’s a miracle,” tearful ex-husband Rusty Yates said of the verdict. “The prosecution spent five years trying to come up with a motive in this case and missed the most obvious one — that she was psychotic.”

Huh? This ridiculous line is aped by the jury foreman. Here is the part about the foreman:

Todd Frank, foreman of the six-man, six-woman jury agreed, saying that while some jurors wanted a finding of guilty, it was impossible not to see that Yates was very ill.

“It was very clear to us all that (the doctors who cared for her) believed she had psychosis before, during and after” the crime, he told reporters.

“I hope this will help to prevent something like this from every happening again,” said Frank, a 33-year-old marketing manager.

Your Maximum Leader shudders to try and parse the complete imbecility of this statement. From time to time your Maximum Leader is filled with respect for “common man” when he is asked to serve on a jury. And then, most of the time to be honest, your Maximum Leader remembers why there will be no jury trials in the Mike World Order. People are stupid and shouldn’t be so empowered in capital cases. (Of course, there will be many show trials in the MWO… Those will be well populated with juries of “common” people.)

So, Mr Todd Frank is glad to offer up that Andrea Yates is mentally ill. Great. Remember Rusty Yates said that the prosecution was looking for a motive? Well… Apparently Mr Frank and his compatriots on the jury were looking for a rational motive too. Perhaps they should have been considering if Andrea Yates could tell right from wrong at the time of the crime. You don’t need a motive in this case. You need to establish if Andrea Yates could tell right from wrong. Apparently the chuckleheaded jury was more concerned about making sure the defendant got “help” and less concerned about the drowned children.

You know… Your Maximum Leader would be happy to have a new choice for juries in this type of case. Guilty and Insane. That way you get the best of oth worlds… You could just declare a defendant insane, get them treatment enough to make them sane; then execute them because they are still guilty as hell.

Ah well… One hopes that Andrea Yates spends lots of time in the maximum security mental hospital for the criminally naughty. She is getting off easy. Your Maximum Leader hopes that she gains lots of comfort from the continued friendship of ex-hubby and chief-forgiver, Rusty…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader reads on the news wire that heroin users are being warned by public health authorities that a significant amount of the US heroin supply has been tainted. Yes… Tainted. Tainted with fentanyl, a powerful narcotic, which according to the article is 40 to 100 times stronger than morphine.

What? We’re warning heroin users that their drug of choice, a drug that could kill them through a number of side effects, has been tampered with and could kill them…

Why?

Wouldn’t it be better if we just let them use the tainted stuff and die? Wouldn’t the long-term health-care/law enforcement costs to society be lowered as a result of a few hundred (or a few thousand?) heroin users just killing themselves with bad stuff? Doesn’t it seem weird that “the government” is warning people who consume an ilicit substance that the substance in question isn’t safe for consumption? Is it all just a conspiracy to have heroin addicts move to a domestic product like crystal meth?

Your Maximum Leader doesn’t know the answers to those questions he poses (hetorically). But he does know he wouldn’t be putting out any warnings.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that there have been a number of robberies and attacks on the Mall in Washington DC. For those of you not from the Dee Cee area, or those of you from another planet, “The Mall” is the long, tree-lined expanse of green in the center of the city. The Capitol, Smithsonian, White House, and various public monuments all surround this open space.

For decades the Mall has been a crime-free area in a city riddled with crime. It was an area of the city where your Maximum Leader never thought of being attacked or victimized by criminals. Apparently no longer should that be the case.

Call your Maximum Leader heavy-handed, but he hope they find the criminals responsible. He also hopes the thugs violently resist arrest and have to be shot and killed to protect the lives of the arresting officers. Yes… It would be good if ill befalls the criminals.

Carry on.

Faithful minions hav listened to me rant about the power of the milk processing lobby.

Now the big chicken factories are coming after small pasture-based flocks like mine.

Obviously, low-density, healthy flocks living on clean grass are much more likely to become vectors for disease than the big boys’ birds which are housed in lots of 100,000 with a square foot per bird, debeaked to stop crowding-induced cannibalism that live in their own manure.

You know, I think that on this issue, I just might have to be civilly disobedient.

Breakin’ the law! Breakin’ the law! Breakin the law!

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, if he was President of Iran - which he is not, wouldn’t let any coalition of other nations talk him out of a nuclear program.

But he would ring up George W. Bush periodically and yell “Surprise!” before hanging up.

Then he’d laugh with all the Ayatollahs, turn on a “Friends” re-run, and get some hummus with salty chips and a yoghurt shake.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is feeling rather petulant. Why? Because he lives in a nation of idiots. Complete. Total. Freaking. Idiots.

The final straw probably came today at lunch time. Your Maximum Leader was partaking of an Asian buffet (something remarkably plebian), alone, and chanced to overhear two older ladies at the next table. The first woman was discussing her niece’s situation to the second woman. The first woman said something to the effect of her niece being a financial burden on her family. The first woman said, “Well you can hardly blame the girl. She is 22 years old. She’s living at home. She’s unemployed. And she’s caring for her 5 year old child.”

What? You can’t blame her? What can’t we blame her for? As best I can tell about the only thing you can’t blame the girl for is being 22. I can blame her for just about everything else.

But we can’t just go around blaming people can we? That isn’t nice. It damages people’s self-esteem. It doesn’t “celebrate diversity.” It is so judgmental.

I really wish that we could pinpoint the moment at which the hearty people of these United States became such pansy wimps. I do. Then at least I could focus my anger at some specific event and rant, “Goddamn it! If it wasn’t for everything that happened on August 18, 1989 we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in.”

If our Anglo-Western heritage was a book, we’d be tearing out the pages one at a time and mixing them in a huge manure heap of modernity and relativism. Social norms? Too restrictive. Personal responsibility? Too hard. Understanding right and wrong? Too judgemental. Calling a thing by its true name? Too pushy. Our hard-won liberty, our freedoms, our civilization. It is all being tossed into a dung-heap that will be spread on a weed-ridden field and left to grow untended. Neglected.

Here’s a quotation that got my dander up:

… But if people want to practice polygamy, who am I to say anything? I think that’s what’s great about America, is you can practice any religion. It’s unfortunate though when it’s forced upon young people, and that’s when I really have the biggest problem with it.

That was Chloe Sevigny.* One of the stars of HBO’s Big Love. Frankly, I’ve got no major issues with the show. I tried watching a few episodes and it didn’t do anything for me. But I’ve got a big problem with this sentiment.

Who am I to say anything if you want to practice polygamy? Humm… What if your religion happens to endorse shooting women for wearing nail polish in public? What if your religion happens to condone locking girls in a burning building because releasing them from the building without head scarves might titillate and/or offend some old geezers? How about stoning young girls who are raped because they are dishonored?

I suppose all those religious practices are okay too. You know… You don’t want to judge anyone. It might hurt their feelings. Make ‘em feel bad.

Of course, I shouldn’t go around bad-mouthing religions. Have you heard about one of the newer ones? The Church of Oprah? Okay. It isn’t a real church. But you’d think that Oprah was the focal point of some religion the way people go on about her. Did you see the bit on the USA Today website? “The Divine Miss Winfrey.” Here’s a sample:

She’s no longer just a successful talk-show host worth $1.4 billion, according to Forbes’ most recent estimate. Over the past year, Winfrey, 52, has emerged as a spiritual leader for the new millennium, a moral voice of authority for the nation.

…

“She’s a really hip and materialistic Mother Teresa,” says Kathryn Lofton, a professor at Reed College in Portland, Ore., who has written two papers analyzing the religious aspects of Winfrey. “Oprah has emerged as a symbolc figurehead of spirituality.”

I wish to God I was making this up. But no. It’s out there. Oprah Friggin’ Winfrey the new, hip, materialistic Mother Teresa? Excuse me while I go and vomit. On the one hand we condemn any sort of established religion - because they’re bad and have rules and all. But give us some new-agey-feel-good-I’m-not-responsible-for-my-pathetic-life guru and we’ll just sop it up and ask for seconds (and thirds).

Oprah Winfrey the voice of moral authority in America? Has it come to that people? Really. Because if it has let me know. I’ll just get some more guns, buy some livestock, and move away to Montana or something and just give my house to some Oprah worshiping fool. Because if I didn’t give it to the undeserving bastard they’d just pass a law taking it from me.

Then again… We are passing lots of stupid stupid laws. You know why? Because a nation of idiots elects idiotic people to office. The voters are too damn dumb to understand or care what their elected officials are doing.

Symptomatic of this phenomenon, today I happened to catch a snippet of the NPR show “Day to Day.” Noah Adams, the host, was interviewing John Wells the producer of “The West Wing.” At one point Adams confessed to Wells that he has trouble following the dialogue on the show. The dialogue is technical and sharp you know. Wells says that’s okay. Most people don’t understand the “wonky” language but are still able to get the “feeling” of what is being said.

I can hardly begin describing how many things are wrong with that. Noah Adams has been at NPR reporting on politics and what-all since 1978. 1978! That is twenty-eight years he’s been covering politics and current events. And he doesn’t fucking understand the dialogue on a TV drama about politics? Doesn’t understand the dialogue? I’m only 37 years old and I’ve never had trouble understanding the dialogue on “The West Wing.” Last time I checked, I’ve never been a political correspondent who’s traveled the world bringing the listeners of NPR the news. But I can understand, intellectually understand, “The West Wing.” What does that say about Noah Adams?

Then the Executive Producer of the show tells Adams that one shouldn’t feel badly about not understanding the dialogue on “The West Wing.” It is a pretty high-brow show and if one just understands the feelings of the characters on the show you’ll be okay. If I just understand the feelings? How the hell am I going to understand their feelings if I can’t fucking understand what the they’re saying? You know language is generally used to convey meaning. If you can’t convey meaning and information with language does it really have a purpose? I suppose if I pay extra close attention to Bradley Whitford and Martin Sheen I’ll miraculously get clued in.

Since our chattering classes can’t understand a damned TV show it should come as no surprise that they can’t pass laws to keep down frivolous lawsuits. You know, tort reform? Or is “tort reform” too technical a term. If you could see me now you’d know that I was looking as sincerely as possible at the monitor with big ole tears welling up in my brown eyes and trying to convey how important tort reform is. Do you feel it? Do you feel my concern? Do you feel my lack of compassion for the idiots? Trust me, if you were here you’d feel it. You’d feel how important the issue is.

Or isn’t as the case may be. You see, I am not an idiot. I am thus offended by nonsensical lawsuits brought by nonsensical persons to advance nonsensical causes. Like the asshole (Michael Cohn) who is suing the Los Angeles/Orange County/Anaheim/Southern California Angels because they didn’t give him a tote bag on Mother’s Day last year. Yup. Mr. Cohn was discriminated against because he wasn’t a woman over 18. Frankly if Mr. Con is so covetous of an Angels tote bag he probably could have just stayed after the game finished and picked up as many as he wanted from those discarded in the stands… But noooo… He’s got to sue the team because they wanted to give those people most likely to fit the profile of a mother a gift on Mother’s Day.

Of course, not all frivolous lawsuits are about tote bags and baseball games. Many of them have to do with life - or more likely death. Medical malpractice is a common type of lawsuit. Too bad 40% of the lawsuits are goundless. Groundless as in no harm done.

But we can’t stop those lawsuits. We can’t punish people who bring frivolous lawsuits. Why? Because that might prevent a truly aggrieved person from bringing a lawsuit in the future. We must accommodate the lowest common denominator so that everyone feels better.

Of course, if we can’t get all worked up about frivolous lawsuits I don’t see how we could get worked up about the government collecting records of who we call on the phone. I mean really. The language we’d have to use to describe that situation is really complicated. If we can’t handle The West Wing then I’m not sure how we’ll handle government intrusion into our personal lives.

But they aren’t really intruding are they? No. Just recording what numbers I dial and look for a pattern. (By the way… If you want know the most frequently called people from my phones they are: my mother in-law, my sister-in-law, the mothers of girls in the Girl Scout troop the Villainettes are members of, the Air Marshal, and the Smallholder. That is it. If there is a connection there to a terrorist threat please let me know…) Looking for patterns isn’t like listening in on the calls. Is it? Noooo…

Then again… The issues are complex and hard to comprehend. Very difficult ideas you know.

Perhaps they are difficult if you are a complete boob.

Oh yes… My countrymen. They are complete boobs. How could I have forgotten?

You know… Someone out there reading this and thinking that if we’d all just use our words to explain ourselves to one another we’d all feel better. We don’t have to get angry or strike out. You know violence never solved anything…

Damn. If I hear one more sanctimonious fool say to me that violence never solved anything I think I will use violence to solve the problem of me having to listen to idiots. I will not say that violence should be your first reaction to any situation. But it can come in awful handy you know. Violence has, in fact, solved many many things throughout history.

Of course, we don’t have the taste for violence being used to solve problems like we used to. I don’t know what would happen if we were facing an enemy bent on our destruction and hoping to impose their ideology on all mankind?

Oh yeah… We are facing such an enemy. But when they hide in mosques, well, we just have to wait them out. Normally I’m all for doing everything possible to spare non-military targets. But if you put a bunch of armed people in a mosque, school, hospital, or other structure of historic/cultural importance; well then it has become a military target. I think that military targets held by an enemy ought to be destroyed. But that is just me I suppose.

And you know… Back during WWII if you supported the Nazi’s (actively or passively) you were likely to get your house blown up - at the least. Nowadays we can’t even call the vast majority of Muslims who passively support the terrorists/jihadi cause collaborators. They are you know. Collaborators that is. I’m not advocating blowing up the homes of every Muslim. But perhaps by labeling a person what they are you might find out who is and isn’t on your side.

Ack…

I’ve gone on and on with no purpose… I don’t even know ho I’m writing this for or why I am bothering. If you are reading this you fall into one of two descriptions.

The first is that you are a regular reader of this site. In which case, you’re probably not an idiot but a person seeking out other non-idiots in an effort to keep your sanity.

The second type of person reading this is someone who googled something like “Jennifer Love Hewitt naked” or “Giada DeLaurentiis naked.” Of course, this makes you an idiot. It is likely that if you are an idiot, you are scandalized by all this (if you understood it - that whole I-can’t-understand-The-West-Wing-factor) and will just click away. Before you go allow me to ask you to give up. Your life is meaningless and you are too stoopid to realize it.

There might be a third description of a reader out there. The idiot who realizes they are an idiot and is trying to better themselves. I doubt you’ll be successful. But that shouldn’t keep you from trying.

I’m gonna have a scotch and turn in.

Carry on.
(more…)

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that Preston’s people have found a completely different letter from Iranian President Ahmadinejad to President Bush than did your Maximum Leader’s people. This just goes to show that you sometimes just get sources that conflict.

Sort of like intelligence analyists…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader had a great weekend. He went to a great wedding and had a fantastic time. (NB to Steve & Catherine: If you are reading this… Why? You’re in Hawaii now supposedly having lots of sex and periodically going to the beach…) Your Maximum Leader also had a fine time with his villainous progeny. Lots of fun there too. Mostly indoor stuff as it was raining. But fun nonetheless. (The Villainettes convinced your Maximum Leader to join them on a Girl Scouts camping trip in a few weeks. So it will be a family affair - as Mrs Villain is the troop leader.)

Last night your Maximum Leader tried out a new spinach recipe. Basically you take a large bag of frozen spinach and put it in a pot with three-four cups of water. Bring water & spinach to boil. As soon as the water boils remove the spinach, but retain the boiling water. Add rice to the water and cook. In the meanwhile, right before the rice is done, put the spinach into a skillet with a few tablespoons of olive oil and a clove of crushed garlic. Heat up your spinach. When the rice is done and the spinach is steaming - put a few tablespoons of pine nuts in the spinach. Place rice on your plate. Spoon spinach on top of the rice. Top lightly with grated parmesan cheese. This went very well with a baked chicken. Your Maximum Leader can also imagine this side with a number of fish dishes as well…

Your Maximum Leader would exhort you to pray for the health of Keith Richards. But unless you worship Satan he’s not sure the prayers would do much good. Isn’t there a little irony in the fact that decades of drugs, alcohol and hedonism can’t do in Keith Richards; but a fall out of a palm tree can fell the man whom your Maximum Leader thought would outlive the rest of the human race…

Your Maximum Leader reads on the AP news wire that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has written a letter to President Bush. The AP is reporting that President Ahmadinejad is offering “new solutions” to the problems the international community is having with his nation’s nuclear program. Your Maximum Leader has it on good authority that President Ahmadinejad has made the following demands, which if they are met, Iran will abandon their nuclear program.

1) The FBI arrest then drag out and shoot Kevin Federline. It seems that KFed’s career is keeping President Ahamdinejad’s recording career from taking off.
2) Require that the FCC make Oprah wear a burkha and be more obeidient to the wishes of Dr. Phil.
3) Send President Ahmadinejad a few kilos of whatever Tom Cruise is on. If it is Katie Holmes’ placenta, well then just knock that girl up again…
4) Nuke Israel.
5) Require that President Bush and President Jacques Chirac of France have a summit where they kiss and make up.
6) Send Jenna Bush to Tehran to party like its 1999 with “Big Mahmoud and the Mullahs.”
7) Foce Katie Couric to stay on Today. Mahmoud really likes that Katie/Matt Lauer banter every day. (But if you could permenantly replace Ann Curry with that super-hot Campbell Brown… Grrrrr….) Set President Admadinejad up with Maureen Dowd. He thinks her whining and carrying on just make her adorable.
9) Require the US Supreme Court to use Sharia when interpreting the Constitution.
10) Have the US crawl into a great dark hole and ignore their role on the world stage.

Your Maximum Leader isn’t sure that these demands will go far… But it is a start.

Carry on.

This is pretty funny…. in a hawkish kind of way
if your interested take a look!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQXsrrrf2zw

Back to the trenches…..

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader saw a headline today on Reuters and all he could think was “idiots.”

Headline: Alcohol industry profits from underage drinking.

Really? Here your Maximum Leader had thought that alcohol companies didn’t mark up their product for the underage? Your Maximum Leader thought that the alcohol companies were sort of like crack dealers; give you the first few samples at no mark up and no “sin tax” to get you hooked… Then, when you hit 21, WHAM! Throw down that mark up and those taxes cause they’ve got you hooked…

Carry on.