Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader read in the paper this morning that the Grammys were awarded last night. Who knew?

Who cares?

Aren’t the Grammys that balkanized award? Aren’t there also Latin Grammys, Black Grammys, Anglo Grammys, Fogey Grammys, New Age Grammys, and the oft overlooked Can’t-Carry-A-Tune-In-A-Bucket Grammys? What exactly is the relationship between these awards? Does anyone watch them?

That last question was purely rhetorical.

Carry on.

No sonnet today, I fear,
But try this link, dear.
I’m sure your antennae
For societal decay
Will perk up at this:
Artificial tits
Paid for by indulgent mothers
Whose daughters envy others
Moms who eschew the title
(After all, motherhood’s a trifle)
In order to tell their teen
That what they really mean
To be a friend
To the end
Plastic surgery:
The new urgency
Where will it end
If Mom is a friend?
Shallow little tarts
Just for starts.
Down with modernity, Smallholder cries!
Don’t believe the advertisers’ lies
You are fine the way you are
You don’t need the implant scar.

No self-respecting man will play second fiddle to a woman.

Heck. I do play second fiddle to a woman.

My wife has the important job - raising Emilie and Jack.

I’m just the assistant - making just enough money to avoid starvation.

Where do I go to turn in my man card?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, in a seemingly never ending quest to fill space on his blog, will refer you to a recent question asked of the people at “Ask Yahoo.”

Do beer goggles really exist?

Clicky here for the answer.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader always likes to celebrate Robert Burns’ Birthday. It is a time for feasting and good cheer. Robert Burns was born this day, January 25th, in 1759. He is the greatest poet of Scotland - their Bard.

Tonight, your Maximum Leader (as he did last year) plans a Villainette & Wee Villain friendly Burns Supper. We’ll start with the Selkirk Grace. Then move on to Meatloaf (replacing the Haggis) and finish off with trifle. We’ll likely read some Burns poems.

Excursus: Your Maximum Leader is collecting all sorts of Haggis recipies for the upcoming Easter lamb-fest at the Smallholder’s farm. He needs to get with the Smallholder to make sure the innards are prepared correctly by the butcher… Butcher… Heh. Reminds your Maximum Leader of one of his favourite lines from one of his favourite Mike Myers movie… “So… Charlie teels me yewr a bootcher.”

At dinner tonight, your Maximum Leader will, most likely, be the only one drinking whisky. He will also, most likely, be the only one wearing a kilt. There is a chance that we can fit the Wee Villain into a little mini kilt we have. Perhaps this is an opportunity to photo-blog?

Your Maximum Leader will now present for your reading pleasure two Burns poems. The first is one is that great poem about the national drink of Scotland.

John Barleycorn: A Ballad

There was three kings into the east,
Three kings both great and high,
And they hae sworn a solemn oath
John Barleycorn should die.

They took a plough and plough’d him down,
Put clods upon his head,
And they hae sworn a solemn oath
John Barleycorn was dead.

But the cheerful Spring came kindly on,
And show’rs began to fall;
John Barleycorn got up again,
And sore surpris’d them all.

The sultry suns of Summer came,
And he grew thick and strong;
His head weel arm’d wi’ pointed spears,
That no one should him wrong.

The sober Autumn enter’d mild,
When he grew wan and pale;
His bending joints and drooping head
Show’d he began to fail.

His colour sicken’d more and more,
He faded into age;
And then his enemies began
To show their deadly rage.

They’ve taen a weapon, long and sharp,
And cut him by the knee;
Then tied him fast upon a cart,
Like a rogue for forgerie.

They laid him down upon his back,
And cudgell’d him full sore;
They hung him up before the storm,
And turned him o’er and o’er.

They filledup a darksome pit
With water to the brim;
They heaved in John Barleycorn,
There let him sink or swim.

They laid him out upon the floor,
To work him farther woe;
And still, as signs of life appear’d,
They toss’d him to and fro.

They wasted, o’er a scorching flame,
The marrow of his bones;
But a miller us’d him worst of all,
For he crush’d him between two stones.

And they hae taen his very heart’s blood,
And drank it round and round;
And still the more and more they drank,
Their joy did more abound.

John Barleycorn was a hero bold,
Of noble enterprise;
For if you do but taste his blood,
‘Twill make your courage rise.

‘Twill make a man forget his woe;
‘Twill heighten all his joy;
‘Twill make the widow’s heart to sing,
Tho’ the tear were in her eye.

Then let us toast John Barleycorn,
Each man a glass in hand;
And may his great posterity
Ne’er fail in old Scotland!

And here is the second. This one is for the ladies, of whom Burns (and your Maximum Leader) was quite fond.

My love is like a red, red rose
That’s newly sprung in June:
My love is like the melodie
That’s sweetly played in tune.

So fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in love am I:
And I will love thee still, my dear,
Till all the seas gang dry.

Till all the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt with the sun:
And I will love thee still, my dear,
While the sands of life shall run.

And fare thee weel, my only love.
And fare thee weel awhile!
And I will come again, my love,
Though it were ten thousand mile.

Your Maximum Leader bids that you take a moment and read a Rabbie Burns poem today. And if you are so inclined, have a little dram of whisky to toast him too.

Carry on.

UPDATE: Read about Burns & Scotch with Eric and Brian.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has a cold. More specifically a cough. A cough he can’t seem to shake. He took it easy over the weekend to let this cough “run its course.” He self-medicated. He just can’t seem to get it to go away. If this cough was bird flu or something your Maximum Leader isn’t sure if he’s building immunity or just wasting away slowly.

Anyho…

With this cough, your Maximum Leader has found that laughing leads to wheezing, hacking, fall-out-of-his-chair-fits. And that is not a good thing. Well… It is not a good thing to cough, wheeze, hack, and fall out of your chair and hit your head on the corner of a table. Which is just what your Maximum Leader did when reading “Chip’s” memoir this morning.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that the Getty Villa (the original home of the Getty Museum) will reopen on January 28. Your Maximum Leader is sure that it will be a grand reopening. Visiting the Getty Villa will be added to the list of things to do next time your Maximum Leader makes it out to the west coast.

Not that he is sure when that will be…

Carry on.

Since the Maximum Leader is a human resources type, I’d be interested in his take on this article.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader decided to re-run his short birthday tribute to The King of Rock and Roll… (And even though this is a re-run it is still true that we baked a cake in honour of the King.)

Happy 71st Birthday to The King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Aron Presley.

As with every January 8th, celebrations were rampant at the Villainschloss today. A festive cake was baked and decorated in honour of “The King” and it was in part consumed. The Villainettes were particularly happy to draw Elvis on the cake along with various symbols which were meant to resemble music notes.

Your Maximum Leader played Elvis music most of the day (with a brief exception of when he was in the Villainmobile and he listened to Elvis and Johnny Cash).

Indeed, if any minion would like a CD of your Maximum Leader’s favourite Elvis tunes; they have only to send an e-mail.

For those minions who would like to bolster their own personal CD collection of Elvis he will recommend the following:

1) For those of you who just want the most popular Elvis tunes you should pick up either Elvis #1 or (an old favourite of your Maximum Leader’s) Elvis’ Top Ten Hits. The quality of the recordings on “Elvis #1″ is better by far; but the “Top Ten Hits” has all the essential Elvis songs.
2) For those of you who would like to get a really fine example of The King performing, your Maximum Leader will commend to them “Memories: The 68 Comeback Special.” Of all of the Elvis recordings your Maximum Leader posesses, this two CD set is probably his all time favourite. It has a little bit of everything an Elvis affectionado could possibly want. Live performance. Elvis’ bante with his band. And some songs sung with Elvis at his peak voice. One of the alternate versions of “If I Can Dream” would be your Maximum Leader’s current pick for his single favourite Elvis song.
3) And for those of you who really want to go whole hog on The King, allow your Maximum Leader to recommend “Platinum: A life in music.” Which is a four CD box set (with liner notes) of remastered music. It is a complete overview of Elvis’ career. It is worth every penny of the $60 asking price.

UPDATE from 2005 - If anyone would like to shower their Maximum Leader with presents this would be nice…

Well loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader hopes you kept Elvis in your hearts a little bit today. Because, so long as there is a little Elvis in you, there is hope for the world.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has never lived in the Chicago area. Indeed, all he can say is that he’s visited the great city of Chicago many times for business and pleasure. So, it is with some sadness that he reads off the news wires that the famous Berghoff restaurant is closing.

The first time your Maximum Leader went to the Berghoff was with the good Smallholder. The Smallholder and Mrs. Smallholder were living in the Chicago suburbs at the time. Your Maximum Leader was also attempting to pitch a little woo at one of Mrs. Smallholder’s college friends. (To no avail - in case you were wondering.) Your Maximum Leader and his Minister of Agriculture went to the Berghoff to have a beer and view Liquor License Number 1. We ended up having steaks as well (as your Maxmum Leader remembers).

Your Maximum Leader dined at the Berghoff a few more times on subsequent visits over the years. He had thought that one day he might take Mrs. Villain there for dinner. But now that plan seems to have gone the way of your Maximum Leader taking Mrs. Villain shopping sometime at Marshall Fields…

Your Maximum Leader hopes that Misspent is not too upset by this news.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader knows that when someone is down you need to kick them some more and take their stuff. By doing so you increase the chances of them never getting up and seeking revenge against you; plus you’ve got their stuff… (Note that down loyal minions… Free lesson today courtesy of your Maximum Leader channeling the spirit of Niccolo Machiavelli.)

Anyhoo…

Far be it for your Maximum Leader to wish anyone ill this Christmas season, but Michael Jackson really isn’t just anyone. He is, you know, a freaky-up-to-his-eyeballs-in-debt-pedophile. So regular seasonal conventions concerning politeness just don’t apply.

So it seems as though the now Bahraini-based Jackson is trying to renegotiate his debt and thereby hold onto his Neverland ranch as well as his considerable music title ownership. Those music titles famously include many Beatles songs. You know, your Maximum Leader hopes that one of those banks just calls his notes and takes his stuff. And furthermore, he hopes that Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Olivia Harrison and Yoko Ono pool their resources to buy the Beatles songs.

Excursus: Yes, your Maximum Leader mentioned Paul and Yoko in the same breath. Your Maximum Leader, while no great fan of Yoko creatively or politically, does believe that Yoko - as the heir to John Lennon - is the “rightful” owner of Lennon’s share of the Beatles collection. As he believes Olivia Harrison is the “rightul” owner of George Harrison’s share of the Beatles collection.

Well… Your Maximum Leader hopes that Jackson loses his stuff and decides never to return to America.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is a father three times over. (Or should he say a father of three that he acknowledges… Heh.) His second and third children (Villainette #2 and the Wee Villain) were both born “naturally” (aka: vaginally). They were both fairly large kids. (9lbs 6oz and 9lb 3oz respectively.) And for both deliveries Mrs. Villain had no painkillers. Watching your (big) children being born and knowing your wife isn’t using anything to dull the pain is a pretty uncomfortable thing. Having stated that please allow him to enter this news item into the record with no further comment.

Oklahoma Woman Delivers 14lb Baby.

Okay… Your Maximum Leader will make one more comment… He’ll just assume that our very dear Sadie is not in any way connected to this story.

Carry on.

There is a War on Christmas!

Thank goodness we have honest brokers like Matthew Staver and Bill O’Reilly to tell us the truth.

Good golly, my friends, one can unerstand Bill O’Relly - he is an entertainer giving his audience the red meat it craves and the sense of persecution it needs to feel. But supposedly Christian organizations being dishonest? I wis all of these cultural warriors would stop giving Christianity a bad name.

Just so you won’t feel left out:

Aragorn or Legolas? Defend your answer.

One random pool-playing animadiversion was discussing who one would choose to date/marry if one had to choose from among the island castaways.

Foget that.

Arwen or Eowyn?

Defend your answer.