Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader must make a confession.

He ate too much corned beef, cabbage & potatoes.

He may have also added a lethal dose of Guinness to the gastric mix.

He may take his iPod and go to bed now.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has been contemplating this post for a while. A long while in fact. The seed that will become this pot was planted by the V-man on March 3rd. You see, on that date the great and terrible Velociman cast down the gauntlet of Colander Blogging. To be honest, your Maximum Leader is not enamored of his colanders enough to want to photograph or blog about them.

But your Maximum Leader has a skillet…

But not just any skillet… A skillet with a history.

Around 1870 or so your Maximum Leader’s maternal Great- Great-Grandmother on the shores of this great Republic. She arrived at the port of Philadelphia. (No trip through Ellis Island for her - no siree.) She arrived with her husband and a dream. A dream of leaving behind Scotland (her country) and Wales (his country) and making a new life for themselves in America.

Having arrived in Philadelphia it didn’t take her long to determine that the “City of Brotherly Love” was not the city of her dreams. So, she did what any woman with a can-do attitude and a dream did in those days. She decided to head west. She bought up provisions, tools, cookery, a few horses, a wagon, and a rifle. Among the items she purchased was a 12 inch cast iron skillet.

She took her husband, her stuff, her skillet and traveled across this great land. In a wagon. Braving weather. Braving natives. Braving all the hazards of a journey in those times. She decided to keep going until she reached Portland, Oregon. There she settled. She birthed some babies. She raised her family.

Then she got a letter. The letter informed her that a relative (her brother perhaps? foggy memory) who also came to these shores from the mother country had passed away. Passed away and left her as guardian of his now-orphaned children. But for some reason - one that passes your Maximum Leader’s understanding - the children had to stay in their hometown.

So she packed up the family. Got the wagon going again, and moved to - wait for it - Dayton, Ohio.

Life in Dayton seemed to suit her, and her brood. Eventually, one of her daughters married and started out on her own. One of the things your Maximum Leader’s Great-Grandmother got from her mother was the 12 inch iron skillet that had trekked across the country and nearly back again.

The skillet remained in Dayton for many years. But eventually new families are created by cycle of birth and marriage and skillets are passed along. After a time the skillet found its way into the kitchen of your Maximum Leader’s sainted mother. There the skillet languished in the bottom drawer of an oven for many years. Until your Maximum Leader graduated from college and moved out. At that time your Maximum Leader liberated the skillet and took it as his own. A birthright of sorts…

Today, that skillet has a position of honour in the Villainschloss’ kitchen. Your Maximum Leader and Mrs. Villain use it at least 4 times a week. The skillet now has some friends too. Another 12 inch cast iron skillet that belonged to Mrs. Villain’s paternal grandmother (who bought it after she was married in Rhode Island). And a 6 inch cast iron skillet from Mrs. Villain’s maternal grandmother (who bought it at some point in the 1930s).

One could say it is a power-trifecta of iron…

What? You would like to view the great and historical skillet? Well, here is a little photo of it. You can clicky through to see a larger one.

If you viewed the larger skillet do you see the seasoning. The old crusty layers of gawd-knows-what all over the outside. Your Maximum Leader thought of having it analyized to have it’s make-up scientifically determined. But he decided not to. It just adds to the mystery (and history) of the skillet.

If either of the Villainettes (or the Wee Villain) want that skillet they’ll have to pry it out of the cold dead tendrils of their father. He’ll never part with it. Indeed, should your Maximum Leader ever need to evacuate the Villainschloss for anemergency the skillet (along with guns and other necessities) will be packed in the Suburban along with the family…

And there you have it. Not Collander Blogging… But Skillet Blogging.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has been busy the past few days. Why is it that one goes through periods of quiet followed by periods of furious intensity? Humm… Rhetorical question really… No need to give that one any thought…

Anyhoo…

Your Maximum Leader visited with the Air Marshal over the weekend. Long-time readers will remember the Air Marshal as a sometimes commenter on this blog. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t believe he’s posted anything in a few months. The Air Marshal is really a busy rocket scientist. He is busy making our air traffic control system more modern and safe. So if you are flying, thank him (and the many others who do similar or related work) for getting you to and from where you are going.

In other news… Your Maximum Leader sees (via Dead Sexy Sadie) that the Confederate Yankee was interviewed by the Washington Post. Very cool. (Excursus: What does it take to get interviewed by the WaPo? Is there a bribe involved? Payola?)

Has your Maximum Leader mentioned to you all that he has been drinking more bourbon of late? That is sort of a strange thing really. Your Maximum Leader is a scotch man. He’s always loved his scotch. Single malts. Blends. Highland. Lowland. Islays. Islands. He just loves his scotch. If you try you can always find a scotch that will match your mood and desires. But lately he’s been drinking lots of bourbon. It is sweeter. It has a completely different texture and character. But it is brown… He can’t quite tell you why he’s been drinking bourbon. Is it some sort of alcoholic patriotism? (You know… It’s made in the USA.) Is it that good bourbon tends to be a little cheaper than good scotch and thus he can indulge himself more for the same cost? He doesn’t know. But he does know that he will try to get his hands on a dram of this stuff that is being bottled at the Bruichladdich distillery on the Isle of Islay. It will not be ready for 10 years… But hell… 184 proof Scotch? Gotta try some of that.

In case any of you reading this are looking for a recommendation when it comes to bourbon… Allow your Maximum Leader to commend to you Pappy Van Winkles 20 year old reserve. The Air Marshal and your Maximum Leader shared a bottle over the weekend. It was great for sipping. Your Maximum Leader is told that all the Van Winkle bourbons are good. But this 20 year old bourbon was truely outstanding. And it was quite reasonable. The bottle cost your Maximum Leader about $36. You don’t find many outstanding liquors for that price. Go get yourself a bottle if you are so inclined.

Moving from alcohol to economics… Did you all see Pete DuPont’s peice in Opinion Journal today? No. Go read it. Very good. Give thanks for Ronald Reagan and his economic policies. Of course, the nitwits in Congress seem to be hell-bent-for-leather to continue their ruinous spending policies. Your Maximum Leader is open to considering voting against his Congressman (Joanne Davi R-Va) as a reaction to profligate spending by the House. Then again… Your Maximum Leader doesn’t believe that the Democrats are running anyone against Ms. Davis. Your Maximum Leader might have to write in someone… Perhaps Bill the Cat?

And finally… Do you ever have dreams of winning the lottery? Just read this quick piece and remember that it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was thinking about Brian’s Calimari post. Specifically, your Maximum Leader was noticing the recipe called for calimari rings. One imagines that this is a prepackaged precut calimari deal. Frankly, the prepackaged way is probably easiest and best. But it did remind your Maximum Leader of a short story.

Your Maximum Leader was having some people over for dinner once upon a time. He decided to impress them all with a fully home cooked feast. He wanted to have some calimari as an appetizer. So he actually bought some full fledged squid at a fishmongers. He had studied how to cut and prepare the calimari from a cookbook, but it took a few squid before he got it more or less right in practice.

Dinner went off without a hitch. Calimari were fine. The next day the dinner guests invited your Maximum Leader to go out fishing with them. Your Maximum Leader is very fond of fishing, and he gladly accepted the offer. Well, we were out on the Cheasapeake Bay going for Bluefish. The friends mentioned as we headed out that they had bought some high-class bait to entice the Blues to bite since we were getting off to a late start.

After a little cruise we reached the appropriate spot and decided to set our lines to start trying to catch some fish. Your Maximum Leader volunteered to cut some bait. He opened up the fish/bait cooler (as opposed to the beer/food cooler) and what should be sitting on ice waiting to be cut… A whole load of squid that looked almost exactly like the stuff he’d cut up and fried the night before. Indeed, before your knew it your Maximum Leader was cutting and dressing the squid as though he was going to be cooking it for himself. The friends even noticed that the squid was cut up awfully “pretty” just to be put on the end of a hook.

By the way… Blues love squid.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader doffs his bejeweled floppy cap today in honour of the birthday girl. Yes, loyal minions the dreamy and oh-so-desireable Jennifer Love Hewitt is 27 years old today. The platonic star of your Maximum Leader’s heart (as well as the big screen, small screen, radio, iPod, runway, and red carpet) has gracefully aged another year.

In the Mike World Order this day will be a paid holiday. All shall be commanded to bring forth the finest meats and cheese in all the land and feast. Wine will flow in abundance. And the masses shall be happy…

Of course, if the dreamy Miss Hewitt had no other dinner plans tonight she could give your Maximum Leader a call and he would call in a few favours and be happy to take her out for a fine meal at Picasso in Vegas. (NB to JLH: In order for your Maximum Leader to make this happen he needs a call sorta quickly…) Last time your Maximum Leader ate at Picasso he had a dish with lobster in a champagne cream sauce with tender sauteed veggies. It was light and refreshing. He would recommend it to you. Of course, you are free to get whatever you like. Your Maximum Leader will take care of everything for you.

Of course your Maximum Leader can arrange that all those nasty paparazzi are kept at a distance so as to not spoil your dinner. Or if you prefer your Maximum Leader will let the paparazzi close - but then have their legs broken. You know… For kicks…

But what is your Maximum Leader doing prattleing on about Picasso… You may want to have dinner somewhere else. That’s okay. You just let him know and the arrangements will be made.

You may want to dress up. Of course dressing down is also fine. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t care. He really liked that white suit you wore to the MTV Fashion awards a while back. You might revisit it.

Anyhoo… Your Maximum Leader hopes that Jennifer Love Hewitt has a fabulous 27th. (NB to JLH: Don’t forget to call if you want your Maximum Leader to make plans… The number is on the restraining order at your agent’s office. Heh.)

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader always likes to celebrate Robert Burns’ Birthday. It is a time for feasting and good cheer. Robert Burns was born this day, January 25th, in 1759. He is the greatest poet of Scotland - their Bard.

Tonight, your Maximum Leader (as he did last year) plans a Villainette & Wee Villain friendly Burns Supper. We’ll start with the Selkirk Grace. Then move on to Meatloaf (replacing the Haggis) and finish off with trifle. We’ll likely read some Burns poems.

Excursus: Your Maximum Leader is collecting all sorts of Haggis recipies for the upcoming Easter lamb-fest at the Smallholder’s farm. He needs to get with the Smallholder to make sure the innards are prepared correctly by the butcher… Butcher… Heh. Reminds your Maximum Leader of one of his favourite lines from one of his favourite Mike Myers movie… “So… Charlie teels me yewr a bootcher.”

At dinner tonight, your Maximum Leader will, most likely, be the only one drinking whisky. He will also, most likely, be the only one wearing a kilt. There is a chance that we can fit the Wee Villain into a little mini kilt we have. Perhaps this is an opportunity to photo-blog?

Your Maximum Leader will now present for your reading pleasure two Burns poems. The first is one is that great poem about the national drink of Scotland.

John Barleycorn: A Ballad

There was three kings into the east,
Three kings both great and high,
And they hae sworn a solemn oath
John Barleycorn should die.

They took a plough and plough’d him down,
Put clods upon his head,
And they hae sworn a solemn oath
John Barleycorn was dead.

But the cheerful Spring came kindly on,
And show’rs began to fall;
John Barleycorn got up again,
And sore surpris’d them all.

The sultry suns of Summer came,
And he grew thick and strong;
His head weel arm’d wi’ pointed spears,
That no one should him wrong.

The sober Autumn enter’d mild,
When he grew wan and pale;
His bending joints and drooping head
Show’d he began to fail.

His colour sicken’d more and more,
He faded into age;
And then his enemies began
To show their deadly rage.

They’ve taen a weapon, long and sharp,
And cut him by the knee;
Then tied him fast upon a cart,
Like a rogue for forgerie.

They laid him down upon his back,
And cudgell’d him full sore;
They hung him up before the storm,
And turned him o’er and o’er.

They filledup a darksome pit
With water to the brim;
They heaved in John Barleycorn,
There let him sink or swim.

They laid him out upon the floor,
To work him farther woe;
And still, as signs of life appear’d,
They toss’d him to and fro.

They wasted, o’er a scorching flame,
The marrow of his bones;
But a miller us’d him worst of all,
For he crush’d him between two stones.

And they hae taen his very heart’s blood,
And drank it round and round;
And still the more and more they drank,
Their joy did more abound.

John Barleycorn was a hero bold,
Of noble enterprise;
For if you do but taste his blood,
‘Twill make your courage rise.

‘Twill make a man forget his woe;
‘Twill heighten all his joy;
‘Twill make the widow’s heart to sing,
Tho’ the tear were in her eye.

Then let us toast John Barleycorn,
Each man a glass in hand;
And may his great posterity
Ne’er fail in old Scotland!

And here is the second. This one is for the ladies, of whom Burns (and your Maximum Leader) was quite fond.

My love is like a red, red rose
That’s newly sprung in June:
My love is like the melodie
That’s sweetly played in tune.

So fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in love am I:
And I will love thee still, my dear,
Till all the seas gang dry.

Till all the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt with the sun:
And I will love thee still, my dear,
While the sands of life shall run.

And fare thee weel, my only love.
And fare thee weel awhile!
And I will come again, my love,
Though it were ten thousand mile.

Your Maximum Leader bids that you take a moment and read a Rabbie Burns poem today. And if you are so inclined, have a little dram of whisky to toast him too.

Carry on.

UPDATE: Read about Burns & Scotch with Eric and Brian.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees on the news wires that Oakland, California, has a goose problem. Well… According to the article the geese wouldn’t be a problem if they didn’t poop so much. The people living around this large lake in Oakland are overrun with Canada Geese. Thousands of them. And each bird makes a pound of poop a day. They have tons of poop every day going into their lake, their lawns, their water. Poop is everywhere.

And this concerns the good residents of Oakland. They want to be good neighbours to the geese. But they can’t. Too much poop. They hire dogs to chase the birds away. But they come back. They don’t want to run afoul of international treaties that protect migratory birds. Such action might result in retaliatory airstrikes from the Bush Administration. So what are the poor people of Oakland to do?

Well… They need to get the Governator on the line and ask him to got to Washington and get the White House and Congress moving on some needed reform of the Migratory Bird Treaties. We need to stop protecting the Canada Goose. They are all over the place. Once we allow more hunting of Canada Geese, we do some serious cooking of goose. Have you ever had a cooked goose? Damn they are tasty. Your Maximum Leader commends to you this recipe for roast goose. This is close to one your Maximum Leader has used in the past. And remember to save the fat your goose gives off in cooking. That stuff can be used to cook and flavour all sorts of other tasties.

All this talk of roast goose is making your Maximum Leader quite hungry…

Carry on.

I have a rooster that tries to spur me when I collect eggs.

“Ah can’t abide a floggin’ rooster.”

Perhaps the Maximum Leader’s new cookbooks have a recipe for coq au vin.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, as you may know, gave his Poet Laurete a cookbook for Christmas. The Big Hominid has photoblogged his experience with egg-less chocolate mousse. (Really. Clicky here and here and here.) Before gifting Nigella’s book your Maximum Leader read through it. Nigella Lawson has always been one of your Maximum Leader’s favourites. Indeed a link to her site has existed on this page for years… If you look over on the right side nav bar and see the link entitled “Domestic Goddess” you will get Nigella’s site. It’s the link right under Eddie Izzard and right above the NRA.)

Anyhoo…

Your Maximum Leader wasn’t just gifting cookbooks. He recieved two of them for Christmas. Your Maximum Leader can’t recall exactly where he heard/read this, but it has stuck with him. Someone (possibly Arthur Lubow, Ruth Riechl, Jacques Pepin, or Phyllis Richmond) once said that if you really wanted to KNOW the whole western cooking tradition you only needed three cookbooks. The three are: The Joy of Cooking, Larousse Gastrnomique, and Il Cucchiaio d’Argento (The Silver Spoon).

Now your Maximum Leader has owned he Joy of Cooking for as long as he can remember. Indeed he has an original edition (which he stole from his sainted mother) and the updated version. The Joy of Cooking has always been an essential reference in the Villainschloss kitchen. He highly commends them to you.

He received for Christmas Larousse Gastronomique and The Silver Spoon. In the few days since Christmas they have both received a workout.

The Silver Spoon has been the best selling cookbook in Italy for the past 50 years. It is widely considered THE authoritative reference for recipies amongst arguing grandmothers across Italy. Until a few months ago, it was only available in Italian. Now Phaidon Press has released the mammoth tome in English. It is fabulous. Your Maximum Leader has already sampled at least 8 items from book. His two favourites so far are the Cream of Asparagus soup and the Pork Chops in Blueberry sauce. Your Maximum Leader is seriously considering buying a few copies and giving them to friends throughout the year. (Indeed, he has already gifted The Silver Spoon to his Brother & Sister-in-law and his Mother-in-law.)

Larousse Gastronomique is not a cookbook so much as it is an encylcopaedia of cooking with recipies thrown in. In a perusal of Larousse your Maximum Leader has found a recipe that he will do before he dies… He will share it with you here for your reading (if not dining pleasure)…

Stuffed Turkey Grand-Duc

Slit open a turkey along its back and stuff the bird with the following mixture: 18oz chicken rubbed through a fine sieve, 17.2 oz of double heavy cream, and 9 oz of foie gras (prepare the foie gras by poaching it in port wine and rubbing it through a fine sieve). Season stuffing to taste. Add 12 truffles (peeled and cooked for 10 mins in brandy). Add 24 chicken hearts (prepared by removing blood vessels, soaked in water, steeped in white Malaga wine, drained, dried, then stuffed with a puree of York ham, then poached for 15 mins in truffle essence).

After stuffing the turkey, carefully reshape it. Cover the bird in slices of raw ham or bacon. Enclose the stuffed, wrapped turkey in pastry taking care to keep the shape of the bird. Bake at 250 degrees for 2.5 hours. During cooking cover bird with wax paper coated with flour to assure that the pastry browns evenly and not too soon.

Serve directly from oven with a demi-glace flavoured wtih truffle essence.

Say what you will… THAT, loyal minions, is real eatin’.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has never lived in the Chicago area. Indeed, all he can say is that he’s visited the great city of Chicago many times for business and pleasure. So, it is with some sadness that he reads off the news wires that the famous Berghoff restaurant is closing.

The first time your Maximum Leader went to the Berghoff was with the good Smallholder. The Smallholder and Mrs. Smallholder were living in the Chicago suburbs at the time. Your Maximum Leader was also attempting to pitch a little woo at one of Mrs. Smallholder’s college friends. (To no avail - in case you were wondering.) Your Maximum Leader and his Minister of Agriculture went to the Berghoff to have a beer and view Liquor License Number 1. We ended up having steaks as well (as your Maxmum Leader remembers).

Your Maximum Leader dined at the Berghoff a few more times on subsequent visits over the years. He had thought that one day he might take Mrs. Villain there for dinner. But now that plan seems to have gone the way of your Maximum Leader taking Mrs. Villain shopping sometime at Marshall Fields…

Your Maximum Leader hopes that Misspent is not too upset by this news.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has surely mentioned his love of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Hasn’t he? Well, his love of Krispy Kreme doughnuts is a fact nonetheless.

There is a new KK store (restaurant?) near the Villainschloss. When your Maximum Leader drives by the power of Christ compells him to look for the “Hot Now” sign. If the sign is on, he almost always stops. If he is by himself it is one (and only one) doughnut and some Vitamin D milk. If one of the Villainettes is in the car… Well then the stop is a full-blown event. There is parking. Going inside. The watching the doughnuts on the conveyor. Then pointing out the doughnuts on the cooling off conveyor to be put in the box for nearly immediate consumption.

Tonight, your Maximum Leader and Villainette #2 were in the Villainmobile.

The “Hot Now” sign was on.

A dozen hot glazed doughnuts were brought back to the Villainschloss.

The frenzy began.

Now there are four doughnuts in the box.

Your Maximum Leader is filled with two things. 1) Shame for eating three doughnuts himself. 2) Those three little warm edible orgasms that were hot Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that the man responsible for one of his favourite stores is going to turn 90. Chuck Williams, the founder of Williams-Sonoma, still goes to the office every day and thinks of new ways to improve the culinary life of Americans. Pretty impressive. If your Maximum Leader makes it to 90 he imagines he’ll be drooling on himself and sitting in a diaper.

But he digresses…

Williams-Sonoma is a great store. If you haven’t visited recently, you should. Well… Provided you like to cook. The last purchase your Maximum Leader made at a Williams-Sonoma was a Wustof Tomato Knife. It is great. Although he should mention that the all-time greatest purchase your Maximum Leader has made at W-S is their big white bowl. He has 8 of them. They are oven-safe, microwave-safe, boiling-safe and hard as granite. He loves them. He’d link to them on the store web site, but he can’t find the specific bowl he’s talking about. (Take that back. Here they are. Chili bowls. They are also great for ice cream, soup, stew, and cereal.)

Happy Birthday Mr. Williams.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader thinks that perhaps you may have missed this lovely article off the wire. He’ll share the title with you: Eatery Sold Donkey in Tiger Urine.

What can you say but… Yum?

You know, your Maximum Leader has never had a desire to eat the flesh of any feline. The whole “cat” family has not ever struck him as a source of meat. Cats, on the whole, seem to range-y and slender to be good eating. (Marinated in urine or otherwise.) Your Maximum Leader imagines that any cat meat would be tough and sinew-y.

Well, regardless of what your Maximum Leader thinks, it appears as though tiger meat is a delicacy in China…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was cooking dinner tonight and had a horrible thought. A truly horrible horrible thought.

So there he was. Standing in th kitchen of the Villainschloss. Making up some homemade barbeque sauce for use on some ribs he plans on grilling tomorrow. That was when the thought came to him.

What if the hurricane…

He completely ignored the human suffering. The Hobbesian state of nature that has decended on New Orleans (and that now looks like the military is taking in hand) was not a concern. The corpses rotting in the street didn’t faze him.

More beneath the fold…
(more…)

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader wants to direct you to a great post. It is by our Loyal Minion Bill. It is about boiling eggs. It is fantastic.

Bill knows his eggs. Bill could probably write a show for Alton Brown about eggs. (Frankly, Alton should do a show on eggs.)

Your Maximum Leader’s technique for egg boiling is very similar to Bill’s. Your Maximum Leader covers the eggs in cold water and then brings them to a boil. After the water comes to a strong boil, he turns off the heat (on electric ranges) or turns down the heat to a simmer (on gas ranges). He lets the eggs sit in the water for slightly more than 10 mintues. Then they go into cold water - or sometimes an ice bath. Your Maximum Leader generally prefers his yolks on the soft and orange side. And he rarely keeps boiled eggs on hand.

Go and read Bill’s piece. Your Maximum Leader is sure you will enjoy it and learn something.

Carry on.