Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, if he’s not mentioned it before, is of Scottish ancestry. And as we all know, we Scots (or those of Scottish ancestry) have a fascination with bad food.

This is not to say that Scottish food is bad. Because really - it isn’t. It is quite good in many respects. But ask yourself something… When you think Scotland and food what do you think about?

Come on… You were thinking Haggis weren’t ye? Of course, ye were.

So… Your Maximum Leader availed himself of eating haggis when once he visited fair Pict-land. He’s had it a number of times since. He’s even prepared it once…

Your Maximum Leader writes this to establish his bona fides in terms of offal.

Now… For your reading (and viewing) pleasure…

Porchetta Di Testa (or marinated and braised pigs head) Honestly… It looks pretty good…

Your Maximum Leader doffs his bejeweled floppy (mylan) cap to loyal reader and commenter Polymath for the link.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader didn’t write a whole bunch o’ posts about Queen Elizabeth II’s visit to the US. But he did, certainly follow along with the news accounts of her visit.

There was one article that many people likely missed, but your Maximum Leader wanted to comment upon. The article was called “The Crowning Touch” and was concerning a luncheon in Richmond for Her Majesty that was catered by Patrick O’Connell. For those of you not in the know, Patrick O’Connell is one of (if not THE) premier chef in the greater Washington DC area. He is the owner/proprietor/chef of the famed Inn at Little Washington. Your Maximum Leader has dined a few times at the Inn at Little Washington. It is a delight.

Anyhoo… Virginia Governor Tim Kaine requested that Chef O’Connell cater a private reception for the Queen during her visit. Here is an excerpt containing some of the dishes:

O’Connell has every right to be a diva, but he is not. Like his food, he is playful but serious, treating his staff at the Monday run-through with kindly paternalism and welcoming all ideas eagerly.

Cook Katie Kopsick, 23, offered O’Connell a tray of homemade chocolates. “I can’t get my fingers between them,” the chef said. “Take some off but connect them in some way.” Moments later, she returned holding a crystal plate with six bonbons dotted along a colorful ribbon. That did the trick.

The pièce de résistance, custard-like scrambled farm eggs with morel mushrooms, local asparagus and creme fraiche, proved problematic. The lidded glass egg that held them required the guest to hold the bottom, remove the top and deal with a spoon. The solution: have a second waiter on hand to facilitate the process.

One by one, each dish was adjusted until all passed muster: tasting spoons of roasted beet mousse, Virginia country ham with mango, baby rock shrimp with guacamole, cucumber sorbet and Maine lobster with grapefruit butter sauce; lacy Parmesan wafers standing between polished stones; delicate cups of sorrel jelly with osetra caviar and rhubarb, blueberry and vanilla panna cotta parfaits; cornets of smoked salmon poked into a loaf of bread to resemble the quills of a porcupine; tempura squash blossoms with Asian dipping sauce; tiny crocks of chocolate creme brulee.

What can be said except “Yumma!”

The most interesting part of the article… The Queens dislikes and likes:

When it came to her [the Queen’s] preferences, though, O’Connell had left nothing to chance. He consulted Michel Roux, a chef favored by the royal family, about likes (eggs, seafood) and dislikes (raw fish, garlic, strawberries).

Humm… Your Maximum Leader loves the three things Her Majesty dislikes. How can someone not like strawberries? Really now? It seems wrong. Very very wrong.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader thought he would share some thoughts he had while dining today at a Chinese buffet here in Fredericksburg. Thoughts are in no particular order.

1) Is there some ambience to be gained by requiring the pseudo-servers to wear silken (rayon?) blouses reminiscent of a “chinese” style?

2) Your Maximum Leader likes it a lot when the buffet has three separate sections. One for “entrees.” One for “appetizers.” And one for fruits and desserts.

3) Who’da thunk that they would have pretty good sweet tea at a Chinese buffet?

4) Your Maximum Leader loves shrimp toast. Damn. Shrimp toast fresh out of the fryer is good stuff. He’s probably eaten two whole slices (not just portions of slices - but full-sized slices of bread with the shrimp mixture on top.) He’s probably going to regret enjoying that so much.

5) Even considering the place is a buffet at lunch… There are lots and lots of very heavy people eating here. And your Maximum Leader doesn’t mean just a little obese. He’s talking one fortune cookie away from disaster (or a wafer thin mint if one prefers).

6) Doesn’t Kung-Pao chicken have peanuts? He’s searched and searched, but there don’t appear to be peanuts in the Kung-Pao chicken. Bits of zucchini it has, but no peanuts. Odd. It will be avoided.

7) Ah… General Tso… You were a murdering bastard, but you do make a tasty chicken…

8 ) Your Maximum Leader hates fortune cookies that contain pithy sayings, but not fortunes. Actually, he will make an exception for pithy sayings by an actual chinese philosopher. But damnit, he wants fortune cookies with fortunes in them. Such as the one he got today. It read: “You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.” Now your Maximum Leader can hope that he wins the lottery or something this weekend as he travels to his mother-in-law’s house for Mother’s Day.

9) Your Maximum Leader likes it when they bring a sliced orange with your fortune cookies. Indeed, he actually likes the orange more than the cookie.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader knows that there are a good number of his readers out there who are excellent cooks. That being said, this will be a wonderful opportunity to test out the comments…

Your Maximum Leader just bought his esteemed mother-in-law some Marmite. At first your Maximum Leader didn’t ask questions. But eventually he just had to know, why did she want Marmite?

Your Maximum Leader was told that it was an ingredient in an “English gravy.” Now, your Maximum Leader will likely find out tomorrow or Thursday what the exact ingredient list is for this “English gravy.” But, right now he is in the dark. He’s searched a few cookbooks he owns, and even checked a cooking web site or two looking for a Marmite gravy recipe. No luck.

Now he asks his loyal readers… Have any of you heard of a gravy made using Marmite in any quantity? Feel free to comment.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader apologizes for not posting yesterday. He was too busy celebrating, with his Icelandic friends, Beer Day.

Yes, March 1 is beer day in Reykjavik, and around Iceland. This great holiday commemorates the legalization of beer (one of the worlds favourite beverages) in the small North Atlantic nation.

Let it be known far and wide that your Maximum Leader is all in favour of supporting beer related holidays.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader finds himself called out and put in his place by the delightful Mrs P.

Apparently, in a comment on Wing Commander Seal’s site your Maximum Leader proverbially “stepped in it.” This is what happens when you open up about things and are honest in blogging… To excerpt Mrs P:

The Maximum Leader said…

I am glad to see that you will not be ordering oysters at your club (although I’m sure that if your club offered oysters they would be fine). I find that in areas more than a 4 hours drive by car/truck from a major body of salty/brackish water is not the type of region in which one wants to order shellfish. I will go further and say that in areas more than 4 hours drive from a major body of water ordering fish may be suspect.

Many people, mistakenly, believe that this little personality foible of mine stems from a concern about the freshness of the product concerned. In fact, as Maximum Leader, I have a considerable understanding of how fish is caught, prepared and shipped. Indeed, my concern comes more from experience in how non-coastal places tend to prepare fish.

This said, I’m sure your club’s poisson courses are delicious and well prepared.

Are you sure that you should make a special request for Mrs P and Card’s Wife? Something like Dinde Grand-duc? (Can’t find a link to the recipe - but you can find it in your handy copy of Larousse Gastronomique.)

Now, Maximum Leader, or Maxy, as he is known here, is quite the expert at most things, especially ham pillows, but Maxy, we need to talk. This advice of advoiding shellfish 4 hours from brackish water is not advice that leads to a happy life. Life must have risks or it isn’t a life. Besides, men have understood the oyster and how to pack it for travel for centuries. Emma, which Jane Austen penned in 1816, takes place in the imaginary village of Highbury. Highbury is 16 miles from London and the families of Highbury, in the days before dentistry and antibiotics, regularly partook of oysters in season and not one of them cashed in their chips though the book lasted long enough for a couple to be married and then bring forth a child. A middle-aged couple no less, hence the regular partaking of oysters. Back in those days, in season was as key to enjoying oysters as was the proper packing of said bivalves.

The late cook, Julia Child, had grandparents who hailed from St. Louis. Julia was born in 1912. So, if one does the math, this would place Julia’s grandparents in St. Louis prior to St. Louis becoming the dog food capital of America. Or, about 20 years before the turn of the 20th century. According to Julia, every winter her grandfather would order a barrel of oysters from a reputable purveyor of oysters in New York City. The reputable oyster purveyor would have his men pack the oysters in a barrel surrounded in seaweed wit the well of the oyster shell facing downwards. This kept the oyster completely content inside the little seawater bath inside it’s shell with enough little oceany things for it to dine on. The oysters, not having a brain, didn’t even know they were no longer in the sea. The barrel was then placed on a steam locomotive, right side up, and transported to St. Louis where the oysters kept well for several weeks in the cold basement of Julia’s grandfather’s home. So the moral of this tale is that the key to enjoying oysters away from the sea is to see how they have been treated before you consume them : they must be placed well side down. Otherwise they will grow sick and eventually die. More than that, you will think you are dying if you consume a mistreated oyster. The good news is that a mistreated oyster gives off such a bad odor, one has to be beyond inebriated and really in a horizontal state to be enough of an idiot consider consuming it. If someone tells you, they were once made sick from a bad oyster or even a clam or mussel, nod your head and listen patiently with concerned eyes to their lament.

Your Maximum Leader can do nothing in the face of this commentary. (Save, of course, take it like a man. Even if it means… Radishing.) In the Socratic sense of offering an apology, he will have to say that it has been his experience that once one goes a way from salty/brackish water, the talent for preparing “fish” starts to diminish. Your Maximum Leader, rather arbitrially, set his distance away from salty/brackish water as 4 hours by car or truck.

Fish, including most shellfish, is a dish that take a little talent to prepare. It is easy to overcook, it is easy to undercook. And when fish isn’t done well, it is… Gross… Why on earth would one want to subject oneself to poorly done fish? He hopes that longtime readers, especially those living more than 4 hours than car/truck from brackish/salty water, will overlook this very minor foible in your Maximum Leader’s personality.

As enjoyable as it is to be taken to task by the delightful Mrs P, your Maximum Leader will try not to make a habit of running afoul of her.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader realizes that his comments are disabled. Some readers are kind enough to tell your Maximum Leader that his RSS feeds and archives might be intermittently available as well. Your Maximum Leader will have to poke around under the hood of his blog a little more to see if he can resolve some of these problems. In the end he thinks he’ll have to change hosting companies to ultimately finish these problems.

Anyhoo…

Your Maximum Leader doesn’t get many e-mailed messages about his postings. (NB: Minion Molly, are you still out there? Your Maximum Leader is curious.) But from time to time he gets a little bit of virtual goodness tha is a fun e-mail. He recently received such a message. It came from loyal minion Buckethead from the Ministry of Minor Perfidy. Buckethead writes:

Dear Maximum Leader,
The last few days, I’ve been frustrated by the lack of comments on your bloggy thing. Toast is toast not because of warmth, but because of dryness. Granted, that dryness is often introduced by heat. The perfect toast is crunchy in a thin layer on the outside of the bread, and warm and moist goodness on the inside. Also, who cares which backstabbing medieval eye-tie despot (is there any other kind?) is better? The real question is which emotional state is preferable: fear, or apathy? Additionally, don’t get me started on the Red Dawn. I would have loved that movie unreservedly had it not been for the fact that the guerrilla group shared a mascot with the university of Michigan. Finally, Mary Magdalene is probably buried somewhere in the south of France, because the Da Vinci Code is all true, true I say.

Well… What can we say about all that? First off, your Maximum Leader hopes that Buckethead will not be offended by your Maximum Leader posting his e-mail. Your Maximum Leader has been wanting to post more than he has, but finds that actually writing a post is a problem. Thus, having at least part of a post pre-written for you seems like a great idea!

Now… To address Buckethead’s issues:

Your Maximum Leader, like Buckethead, realizes that toast has to do with dry and not just heat. The question was posed rhetorically because your Maixmum Leader was home at the time with the wee Villain and Villainette #1 who were both suffering from the same stomach flu. Villainette #1 announced that she was going to make some toast. Then she proceeded to put a piece of bread into the microwave for 15 sec on high. She announced that this was “her” idea of toast. This struck your Maximum Leader as some sort of heretical idea. “Her” idea of toast. She might as well have been saying “my personal truth” or some such nonsense. So, we talked for a little while about what makes toast toast. She still hasn’t been won over by your Maximum Leader’s oratory on toast to come around to the fact that warm bread is not toast. But she will. You Maximum Leader thinks she is just being a contrairian…

Your Maximum Leader must differ with Buckethead and say that there is a difference between one medieval potentate and the other. In the end, your Maximum Leader thinks it is better to be Grand Duke of Florence. Reasons being these: 1) Absolute monarchy vs. Some weird system whereby the Doge is elected and still suffers oversight by the city fathers; 2) More artists patronize Florence and more artists are Florentine than Venitian; 3) Better chance of having a family member become Pope; 4) Machiavelli wrote for Florence; 5) Your city, while it might flood from time to time, wasn’t always sinking into a lagoon.

Frankly, those seem like pretty compelling reasons…

And lastly… Dan Brown… Gawd your Maximum Leader thinks about Dan Brown and wonders if that sumbitch is waking up every day laughing at everyone who bought his book, bought tickets to the movie, or created some DaVinci Code knock-off book that probably pays him some sort of royalty. If Dan Brown isn’t laughing his arse off every day - he ought to be.

Direct comments, questions, desperate pleas for help, or photos of yourself (if you are cute and female) to your Maximum Leader at either address on the left side nav bar.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is wondering something…

At what point does bread become toast?

Bread removed from the oven is warm, but not toast.

Bread put in a microwave to be warmed is also warm bread, but not toast.

Bread exposed to fire or a heating element for a period eventually becomes toast - or a burning cinder.

It is the quality of the heating, and not the simple act of heating itself, that makes the bread toast.

Humm… Toast…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was surfing some Yahoo content and found this short film. The film entitled “Sushi Challenge” is embedded below for your viewing pleasure.

So, this guy was able to attain “Sushi Glory” at the “Yummy Palace” in New York City by eating 52 pieces of sushi in 20 minutes.

Your Maximum Leader laughs at his supposed prowess. One has not experienced true white-boy sushi eating puissance until one has gone a-sushi eating with your Maximum Leader. Indeed, your Maximum Leader has a little story on this subject…

So… Many moons ago when your Maximum Leader and his friend the Smallholder were recently graduated from college and living in Northern Virginia, we would meet on Thursday or Friday afternoons to share a meal and a few drinks. Eventually, we settled on this little Japanese place in Springfield, Virginia where they had a sushi special every Thursday and Friday afternoon/evening. The special was “all-you-can-eat” sushi for $25 per person from 4:30 pm to 7:30 pm.

Your Maximum Leader and the Smallholder would show up at the Japanese Restaurant around 4:28 pm on either Thurday or Friday. (We couldn’t afford to do both nights. Although, if we had the money we would have been there twice a week.) At 4:30 we would place the first sushi order. At 4:31 we would place the first sake order. We would fill out the little cards and hand them to the grandmatronly Japanese waitress to take to the sushi chef. She would scoff at us and tell us that you couldn’t order more than 10 pieces at a time. We would adjust (downward) our little cards and wait for the sushi.

While our first order was being prepared, we would get our next order ready. When our first order was brought to the table, we would politely hand her our cards for the next ten pieces… After about 20-30 pieces each we would have to freshen up the sake. (Which, unfortunately, was not all-you-can-drink.)

And so it would go. For three straight hours we would order our sushi. 10 pieces at a time. One right after the other. All the while the elderly Japanese woman would give us the evil eye and curse at us under her breath. She probably was replused by our white-boy western gluttony.

This went on for nearly the whole summer. Every Thursday or Friday it was the same. Smallholder and your Maximum Leader chowing down on the sushi…

Then one day your Maximum Leader and the Smallholder arrived at the appointed hour and were shown to a table. The grandmatronly waitress beamed as she came up to our table. But she wasn’t happy to see us. She looked us up and down then proceeded to light into us. “No more sushi! No more all you want sushi! You! You ruin it for everybody! Can’t do so much sushi! You eat like pigs! Too much! No more! Pay for everything now!”

Your Maximum Leader and the Smallholder were crestfallen. A quick calculation showed that if we continued at our regular pace that we would each average a sushi bill well over $150 each (not including the sake). Knowing we were beaten, we ordered our 10 pieces. We ordered our sake. We ate sparingly. Paid our bill and left.

Your Maximum Leader and the Smallholder can still put away the sushi. Although we don’t get many opportunities to test our powers. Perhaps your Maximum Leader will find his way to the Yummy Palace in New York City. And he will take the 52 piece in 20 minutes challenge. But he will not need 20 minutes to finish off the 52 pieces…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is an avid reader of Patum Peperium. He regularly reads all of the comments on all of the posts. Patum Peperium is one of the few blogs where reading the comments improves the quality of your visit. It is a testament to both Mrs & Mr P and their ability to write in a way that attracts a high calibre commenter.

Anyhoo…

It is because of a comment that Mrs. P left for your Maximum Leader on this post that he feels he must write the post you are reading. Go and read the post - it can only help frame the context of this post.

Mrs P wondered if Smithfield Hams are fed peanuts. This is an excellent question. Let’s do a little field guide to hams shall we?

First off, if you read the PP post, you might wonder what makes a Serrano Ham a Serrano Ham? Well… A Serrano Ham is a particular breed of Spanish Pig that is “finished” on acorns. By “finishing” your Maximum Leader means that the pig is fattened for a period lasting between 30 and 90 days on some suppliment to its regular diet before slaughter. In the case of the pig that becomes Serrano Ham, the suppliment is acorns. The pig is finished, then slaughtered. The hams are air cured in the mountains of Spain. The ham has a mild flavor which is accented by a nutty aroma and taste.

Many people prfer Westphalian Ham to Serrano. As it turns out, the Westphalian ham comes from the same white pig as does Serrano Ham. Indeed, the pigs that will become Westphalian Ham are also finished on acorns. But, in the case of Westphalian Ham, the pigs are slaughtered and smoked using juniper wood in Germany. The Westphalian Ham, as a consequence, has a smoky and herbal flavor imbued in the meat.

Now, Mrs P specifically asked about Smithfield Hams and peanuts. Allow your Maximum Leader to address that question. A pig that is finished on peanuts and then is slaughtered and cured in any fashion is a Virginia Ham. You often find Virginia Ham (or Virginia Style Ham) in the deli section of your local supermarket. The curing is inconseqential to the appelation of “Virginia Ham.” So long as the pig is finished on peanuts, it is a Virginia Ham.

A Smithfield Ham, on the other hand, is a ham that is salt-cured and aged in or around Smithfield, Virginia. (Technically, a Smithfield Ham can come from the Town of Smithfield, Virginia or the surrounding county - Isle of Wright County, VA. Due to a peculiar historical circumstance, towns and cities in Virginia are not part of the counties in which they reside. So, Smithfield, VA is a completely separate jurisdiction from the surrounding Isle of Wright County.) Smithfield Hams are almost always smoked and salt-cured. Though your Maximum Leader is familiar with a brand that is salt-cured but not smoked.

Smithfield Hams are the premier type of “Country Ham.” They have been smoking and curing hams in Smithfield, VA since 1635. They have the method down pretty well. In other areas of the United States, when a ham is salt-cured it is a Country Ham. Although, many will use the appelations “Smithfield” and “Country” rather interchangably. Your Maximum Leader only buys and prepares Smithfield Hams. Indeed, he generally does the trek to Smithfield once a year to pick his ham out of the Joyner’s smokehouse… (But that is another story.)

Smithfield and Country Hams are known for their saltiness. Indeed, in order to be vaugely edible, the hams have to be soaked in water for hours (if not days) before they are boiled and cooked. Your Maximum Leader, when preparing a Smithfield Ham, generally soaks his ham in a cooler of fresh water for 5 days. He changes the water every 8 hours. (For your information, your Maximum Leader never gets Smithfield Hams under 15 pounds. For all the work involved one should just go whole hog… As it were.) After soaking for 5 or so days, he boils the ham in a large cauldron for about 20-25 mins per pound. And he should note that the poundage of the ham has increased as the moisture - which was removed from the meat in the salt-curing process - was replaced. So, his 15 pound ham from the smokehouse is likely closer to 20-25 pounds heavy when it goes into the cauldron.

Once the ham has been boiled, your Maximum Leader trims off the fat and likes to put on a glaze of mustard, honey, and brown sugar. Not much glaze. Just enough to flavor the quarter inch or so of fat he leaves on the ham. Then he bakes the ham at 350 for long enough to crystalize the glaze.

Once cooked, Smithfield ham must be cut very thin. Even with the soaking the meat is still salty. If cut too thick it can also be stringy and tough to chew. Shaved Smithfield Ham is the way to go.

Now one more note on the Smithfield Hams. As they are salt-cured, they do not require refridgeration. Just hang them in a cool dark place and they will last for years. And your Maximum Leader can vouch for that. You see, as he mentioned, your Maximum Leader goes down to Smithfield to purchase a ham annually. Round about 1991 he was asked by a friend to pick up an additional ham - for the friend. Your Maximum Leader did this. But the friend determined after the ham was purchased that it was too much work to prepare. So, your Maximum Leader took the ham down to the basement, hung it up in a closet, and forgot about it. Forgot about the ham for about 6 years. Yes… Six years… 
Upon remembering the ham, there was great discussion among the extended Villainous family as to whether or not the ham would be any good. Your Maximum Leader proclaimed that it would be fine. Over time the salty flavor of the cured ham intensifies - but the meat shouldn’t spoil. So, your Maximum Leader did prepare the ham. He soaked it for 8 days (instead of 5) and prepared it as normal. It was quite delicious, if he does say so himself.

Now, one more thing about the Smithfield Ham. When you buy a Smithfield Ham they come wrapped in butcher’s paper and then placed in a cotton sack. The cotton sack is shaped just like the ham. There is something you have to do with the sack after you’ve cooked the ham… You make the Ham Pillow. Yes, loyal readers, the Ham Pillow. Indeed, it is a great honor to be bestowed a Ham Pillow by your Maximum Leader. The cotton sack is laundered. Then filled with washable pillow filling. Then it is sewn up along the open end with bright red string. Your Maximum Leader has a few Ham Pillows himself. They make for great props while watching films on the sofa. And in some extreme cases he’s heard of people cuddling with them at night while their good lady wife was away… Always keep the bag and make a Ham Pillow.

Just in case you were wondering where your Maximum Leader came up with the idea of a Ham Pillow… It was actually the idea of one of President John Tyler’s grand-children. One of President Tyler’s grand-daughters thought it would be a funny thing to make a pillow out of the bag they kept the ham in. Many generations later, the Tyler women were still making Ham Pillows and distributing them to friends. This was how your Maximum Leader came upon the idea…

Now, your Maximum Leader has completely exhausted himself on his ham exposition. And he hasn’t even hit Parma, York, Mainz, Prauge, or Paris style hams… Well… They will just have to wait for another day.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has a question for you all… Does anyone make gum with sugar in it any more? Your Maximum Leader was at a convenience store yesterday and decided to pick himself up a pack of gum. He noticed that almost every package he considered was sugarfree. He didn’t notice any “sugared” gum for sale. Does anyone still make it? He’s sure some company does. He just doesn’t know which. Hummm…

Your Maximum Leader is considering dumping comments. This is not a reflection on any of his regular readers. But he’s been spending lots of time deleting spam comments from the site. Although he hasn’t counted them, he is sure there are 10 spam comments for every 1 legit comment. It is pissing your Maximum Leader off.

Did your Maximum Leader mention he was at the 10-9 San Diego Padres victory over his beloved Washington Nationals? He was there with almost all of his extended family. The whole villainous group numbered some 25 people. We were hoping for a Nats victory… But instead saw a 7-1 lead over the Padres disintegrate late in the game and disappear completely when pinch hitter Mike Piazza knocked one out of the park. Oy!

Speaking of the Nationals. The new owners are going to be doing a “grand reopening” of RFK stadium. They will be lowering some ticket prices. Installing more and better vendors in the stadium. And giving stadium employees customer service training… Your Maximum Leader doesn’t know if he’d be able to handle friendly, efficient stadium employees… It would be too dramatic a change.

Speaking of the Nationals… The Post has a nice peice on Alfonso Soriano up. It hints that he would like to stay in Washington. If that is the case, your Maximum Leader thinks it is wonderful. Improbable that he will, but wonderful that he would like to stay. Soriano is the type of player a manager could build a team with. But the Lerner’s long-term strategy of team-building means that Soriano (aged 30) would be well past his prime when the team should become competitive. If Soriano wants to win a World Series, or if he even wants to make the money he is capable of making; he will either push to be traded by the trade deadline or will entertai free-agent offers for next season. Unfortunately, it is a rare player who will sacrifice the possibility of a title and/or money to settle down and become a fixture in one city. Your Maximum Leader would love to see Soriano remain a National, but he wouldn’t have hard feelings if Soriano left DC.

Carry on.

Went to occasional commentor Polymath’s house where we dined on Sweet Seasons Farm pulled pork. Polymath fixed up some delicious honey-based barbeque sauce. Perhaps he’ll share the recipe in the comment section.

Odd thoughts about Memorial Day:

1) I went to Home Depot to buy supplies for my next chicken tractor. When I arrived at the counter, the saleswoman asked “Have you ever served in the military, sir?”

I was a bit taken aback - what anodd question so I answered, “yes, why?”

She brightly answered “You get a 10% discount!” She didn’t even ask for any proof.

This was a nice little perk, but I felt a bit silly since I can’t claim to have faced any danger while in the army.

I was relating this to my father, who had gone to Lowes this weekend. Lowes asked the same question, but then they clarified; only retired or active duty folks get the discount from Lowes.

Only in America. My Dad went to Korea. I played football and proofread colonels’ memorandum. I get the veteran’s discount and my dad doesn’t.

2) In the Valley down here we had “Confederate Memorial Day” on Sunday. My parents went to a ceremony. This is the type of situation where, if you plunked your humble Smallholder smack in the middle, I would get my butt well and truly kicked.

Speaker: “We are here to honor the sacrifices of our fallen grandfathers who fought nobly for the cause…”

Smallholder: “Noble? Noble? Bunch of slavery supporting sons of bitches! Your cause was evil and I’m glad you lost! Reap the whirlwind, you traitorous jackasses!”

Attendees: “A Yankee in our midst! To the lynchin’ tree!”

3) Another odd thing happened. My farmer neighbor came over and was complaining about Bush’s immigration plan, going on and on about how immigrants hurt our economy. I knew better, but the teacher in me, frustrated by his ignorance of economics, explained that immigrants, like Walmart are good for the American economy. And he actually changed his mind! It seems that very few people are willing to shift course when their assumption are shown to be fallacious. Of course, this is the sign of intelligence: Adopting a new hypothesis when the evidence disproves your previous hypothesis. Unfortunately, in a Jacksonian democracy, people being willing to adopt a new position based on new evidence are few and far between. And those of who do are often maligned as being “squishy.”

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader had a great weekend. He went to a great wedding and had a fantastic time. (NB to Steve & Catherine: If you are reading this… Why? You’re in Hawaii now supposedly having lots of sex and periodically going to the beach…) Your Maximum Leader also had a fine time with his villainous progeny. Lots of fun there too. Mostly indoor stuff as it was raining. But fun nonetheless. (The Villainettes convinced your Maximum Leader to join them on a Girl Scouts camping trip in a few weeks. So it will be a family affair - as Mrs Villain is the troop leader.)

Last night your Maximum Leader tried out a new spinach recipe. Basically you take a large bag of frozen spinach and put it in a pot with three-four cups of water. Bring water & spinach to boil. As soon as the water boils remove the spinach, but retain the boiling water. Add rice to the water and cook. In the meanwhile, right before the rice is done, put the spinach into a skillet with a few tablespoons of olive oil and a clove of crushed garlic. Heat up your spinach. When the rice is done and the spinach is steaming - put a few tablespoons of pine nuts in the spinach. Place rice on your plate. Spoon spinach on top of the rice. Top lightly with grated parmesan cheese. This went very well with a baked chicken. Your Maximum Leader can also imagine this side with a number of fish dishes as well…

Your Maximum Leader would exhort you to pray for the health of Keith Richards. But unless you worship Satan he’s not sure the prayers would do much good. Isn’t there a little irony in the fact that decades of drugs, alcohol and hedonism can’t do in Keith Richards; but a fall out of a palm tree can fell the man whom your Maximum Leader thought would outlive the rest of the human race…

Your Maximum Leader reads on the AP news wire that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has written a letter to President Bush. The AP is reporting that President Ahmadinejad is offering “new solutions” to the problems the international community is having with his nation’s nuclear program. Your Maximum Leader has it on good authority that President Ahmadinejad has made the following demands, which if they are met, Iran will abandon their nuclear program.

1) The FBI arrest then drag out and shoot Kevin Federline. It seems that KFed’s career is keeping President Ahamdinejad’s recording career from taking off.
2) Require that the FCC make Oprah wear a burkha and be more obeidient to the wishes of Dr. Phil.
3) Send President Ahmadinejad a few kilos of whatever Tom Cruise is on. If it is Katie Holmes’ placenta, well then just knock that girl up again…
4) Nuke Israel.
5) Require that President Bush and President Jacques Chirac of France have a summit where they kiss and make up.
6) Send Jenna Bush to Tehran to party like its 1999 with “Big Mahmoud and the Mullahs.”
7) Foce Katie Couric to stay on Today. Mahmoud really likes that Katie/Matt Lauer banter every day. (But if you could permenantly replace Ann Curry with that super-hot Campbell Brown… Grrrrr….) Set President Admadinejad up with Maureen Dowd. He thinks her whining and carrying on just make her adorable.
9) Require the US Supreme Court to use Sharia when interpreting the Constitution.
10) Have the US crawl into a great dark hole and ignore their role on the world stage.

Your Maximum Leader isn’t sure that these demands will go far… But it is a start.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is sure that those of you inclinded to look for these types of stories have already seen that porn star Savanna Samson (real name: Natalie Oliveros) has her own brand of wine. And now her wine has been very highly rated by wine guru Robert Parker.

Your Maximum Leader, he will admit, has a rather unrefined wine palette. Indeed, his tastes in wine tend to run both red and rather acidic. (Remember his favourite wine is Hungarian Egri Bikaver.) So he wouldn’t know what to think about Ms. Samson/Oliveros’ wine. He is happy that the wine business is doing well for Ms. Samson. He hope that it continues to do so and that she wisely invests her earnings. He really passes along the whole article for the last two lines. He quotes:

Still, she never had her parent’s blessing for her career choice as an adult movie star. “They were so devastated. They were terribly, terribly upset.”

But while she will continue her film career, wine-making may offer some redemption. “I wanted to do something that my parents could be proud of,” she said.

Your Maximum Leader assumes that becoming a vintner is a reputable career… Although he is unsure of the redemptive qualities of wine-making. Last time he checked, redemption was more of a religious/spiritual and not commerical activity.

Carry on.