I got a call last night from my neighbor the beef cattle farmer.

He had an newborn calf but could not find the mother. Either he had a downer cow lost in the woods or one of the cows had had the rare set of twins. Looking at him, his size told me that he wasn’t a twin.

Since the mother was absent, the order of the day was to get some colostrum for the little guy. Calves are born without a functioning immune system and get their immunoglobulin (sp?) through the mother’s first milk - colostrum.

Another cow had had a calf that day and had colostrum in her udder. Beef cows are a bit wilder than tame house cows like Bonnie so we had to figure out a way to get her into a tight corral where we could let the orphan nurse, or failing that, tie her up and milk out some colostrum for him.

She, of course, had hunkered down with her calf a half mile from the corral. Unable to herd her, we decided to bring her up by grabbing the calf and getting her to follow us. This is an operation fraught with peril since the mother cow is like as not to stomp on you when you mess with her baby.

So the plan was for me to grab the calf while my buddy stood by to swat her nose if she got too belligerant.

I caught the little guy when he slipped in a cow pie, and quickly hoisted him over my shoulders for the walk to the corral.

Cowpies in the springtime are foul, runny messes. When cows make the transition from dry hay to wet grass, their manure becomes very loose for a few days - it is called the “Jersey squirts.”

So the little guy has green, runny manure pasted on his back hoof.

Which he promptly kicks frward into my mouth.

Now, unable to set him down for fear of the mother, I had to walk to the corral, spitting out manure as best I could.

Very, very disgusting.

It tastes much like it smells.

Now, our fair readers will know that the humble Smallholder is not a squeamish guy. I confess that I was rather grossed out.

So, for all the readers out there who don’t cotton to my progressive politics and frequently declare that I ought to “Eat crap and die,” please rest assured that the first half of your wish has come true.