Attention Secret Service: This is satire!

In honor of the Maximum Leader’s advice to Kerry, your Minister of Agriculture has a simpler bit of advice:

Call a press conference. Deliver this speech:

“My fellow Americans,

A majority of Americans believe that the country is on the wrong course.

Americans, whether they supported the initial invasion of Iraq or not, have to agree that the post-invasion management of the ‘peace’ has been criminally incompetent.

For the first time since Herbert Hoover, a presidential administration has presided over a net loss of jobs.

The Clinton surpluses have been set aside and our government has returned to the deficit spening of yore. The political right has (perhaps justifiably) criticized the American left for favoring ‘tax and spend’ policies. The political right should be even more outraged by ’spend money like a drunken sailor and let our grandkids foot the bill’ policies.

This country ought to be having a serious discussion about priorities.

But we aren’t.

It is my fault.

I did not engage the public in an honest discussion about policy. I was afraid that many Americans would not agree with my beliefs.

I did not run on my long record of service in the United States Senate. I was afraid that the complexities of lawmaking (which is much like the production of sausage) were too much for the American people and was unwilling to risk explaining the complexity of my position(s).

I ran a campaign based on my combat record in Vietnam. This record had little bearing on my current ideas or leadership ability and the public seems to have figured that out.

The Bush campaign has taken advantage of this serious error in judgment and eviscerated my campaign.

Because I have not offered real policy alternatives, my opponent has not had to defend his policy choices.

Because I have pretended my Senate career did not exist, my opponent has cherry-picked votes that cast me in a poor light. You have to admire the chutzpah of Cheney condemning me for voting for weapons programs cuts that Rumsfield recommended.

Because my speaking style would win me first place in a Lurch impersonation contest, the Republicans have been able to claim that their candidate is the articulate one.

Because I natter away about Bush’s diplomatic choices but fail to explain how my choices would have differed, the country has been denied a necessary after-action report.

Because I selected a six-time loser to run my campaign, my campaign looks like it is run by a six-time loser.

Because I have delusionally argued that foreign countries base their foreign policy on the relative cuddliness of the American executive rather than their elf-interest, Americans have not examined the real failings of our current alliance system.

To expiate my shame, to revive the Democratic party, to allow my running-mate to step forward and finish the campaign at the head of the ticket, I will now commit seppuku.

God bless you and God bless America.