Greetings loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has come down out of his great obsidian tower at the Villainschloss and started to think about blogging again. It was a good break from everything. Time was well spent with Mrs. Villain, the Villainettes, as well as the Poet Laureate and Air Marshal. Regrettably, your Maximum Leader was unable to see the Minister of Agriculture or the Foreign Minister. He hopes to see the M of A soon. And wonders if the FM will be visiting the US anytime soon… (BTW, where is the FM? No posts recently. No updates on the Cannibal Trial? No news of wild boar? (See below.) Humm…)

Well, where to start. How about asking the M of A and Air Marshal to play nice about the Python songs/quotes. (Your Maximum Leader did not expect such controversy over the tag-line.) Your Maximum Leader will state that the M of A is almost always funny attempting (after a few drinks) any foreign accent.

Now what? How about with the Minister of Agriculture’s last posts on the political affiliation test and Howard Dean? Your Maximum Leader was not surprised at either the results of his test (Libertarian/Republican) or the M of A’s (Democratic). He was also not surprised by the M of A’s anecdote about black students in Baltimore, MD taking the test and discovering they aligned with Republicans more than they thought. It is sad really that many minority groups are held captive by their “public leaders.” Take the example of black Americans. It is your Maximum Leader’s belief that without the hardcore group of public figures (like Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton, Kwiesi Mfume, Maxine Watters, and others) slanting heavily Democratic; many blacks would naturally vote their conscience and trend Republican. But they never seem to? Why?

Those fellow bloggers here know that yor Maximum Leader has “been a Republican” for a long time. This is not to say that I am a straight party-line man. As many readers of this spot will know, I speak my mind on items and disagree where I feel I need to. I would prefer to self-identify as a “Conservative” rather than a “Republican.” They are not one and the same. While I will not delve into this subject at length here, I think most people know that not all Democrats are liberal and not all Republicans are conservative. If you do not… Well, go looking around and you will find some explanation elsewhere. I have voted for Democrats (albeit in smaller numbers) as well as Republicans. (I can say most of the Dems for whom I have voted have been local officials. Though, I did once vote for Chuck Robb for Senator from VA. And while I don’t regret my vote in the last VA Governor’s race, I will say that our current Dem Governor, Mark Warner, is doing a great job and if I had thought he would have been as good as he is; I would have voted for him.)

While I will not say I am a straight party-line man, I will say that most people are. As we can all hear from pundits like Chris Matthews and Tim Russert, about 40% of Americans are Democrats and 40% are Republicans. It is those pesky “independents.” Many years ago when your Maximum Leader was an intern on Capitol Hill, a well-known Republican campaign operative said to a group of interns (self included) that the Democrats could run Joseph Stalin and the Republicans could run Adolf Hitler and each would get at least 40% of the vote. It is only 11% that everyone fights for. When you stop and think about this, isn’t a bit disturbing? 80% of Americans (roughly) are not going to give much consideration to who gets their vote. Where it gets more disturbing is to contemplate that I may be counted in that 40% that votes for Republicans? I do trend Republican - because ideologically they are closer to where I want the body politc to be. But I don’t blindly cast my vote… Like the M of A, I review what the candidates say and then take a decision. But one of the questions I will pose rhetorically is this: “How long does it take to evaluate Candidates?”

I will use myself as an example here. How long did it take me to determine that if I were to vote in Virginia’s Democratic primary (which is open since Virginia doesn’t require that you register by party); I would be casting my vote for Joe Lieberman? Not long is the answer. (Okay, there is something deep inside me that wants to vote for Al Sharpton. Yes he is an evil man who has incited horrible race-riots; but he is very entertaining.) Joe Lieberman is the only Democrat who shares enough of my own political views that I could vote for him in good conscience. I know this just by a cursory review of what Lieberman is saying on the primary trail. I also can predict some of his positions on items that have not come up on the primary trail, because he has a record that is known to me. The other candidates are speaking what is almost another political language to me. Yes I understand what they are saying. But it is so alien to what I want to hear that I find myself “zoning out” while watching the Democratic Debates on TV. And to be frank, when President Bush speaking at fund raisers or “campaign events” I tend to zone him out too. Because I know what he is going to say, and don’t feel I need to listen carefully. (I tend to read remarks on the web or in the newspaper and glean what I need from them.) I admit that I listen to political speeches in the context of what I want to hear, and what I feel the candidate should be saying. I zone out a lot of what is being said. Why? Because it is mindless tripe for which I have no use.

So moving this example along…. Say Joe Lieberman wins the Democratic nomination (which, alas, he will not), would I select him over George Bush? No. It is highly unlikely that I would. It is not because I think Joe Lieberman is any less honourable (or worthy of my vote) than George Bush. (He is probably just as worthyin fact as George Bush.) It is the party affiliation. Ultimately, I know from experience that Joe Lieberman will “tow the party line” when he needs to. And the party line he will tow is not one I generally like. George Bush will, generally, tow the Republican party line - a line that is preferable to me. While this type of empirical analysis is often faulty, what else is there to go on? Would this type of analysis, when done by me in 2000, have predicted that Bush would not have pushed for federal spending cuts? No it wouldn’t have. I thought he would have tried to find some federal budget cuts. I thought wrong. Would I expect Joe Lieberman to cut federal programs that I don’t like? No I wouldn’t. Because although he has spoken against many of them, when push comes to shove he has shown he will do what the majority of his party want.

(Aside: And while not seeking spending cuts is something I would have hoped for from the President, it is the job of the Congress - the Republican Congress - to do the budget. Don’t believe me? Read the friggin’ Constitution. I never blamed President Reagan for budget deficits in the 1980’s, I blamed the Democratic House. (How could anyone blame Reagan? Remember the Dems saying the budget was “DOA” (read: Dead on Arrival) when Reagan sent it. I wondered for a long time why he would bother to send one at all if the Dems just threw it out and did their own.) I didn’t give credit to President Clinton for “balancing the budget,” but gave the credit to the Republican House. I now blame the current budget - more accurately the lack thereof as many spending bills which should have been finished in September 2003 are still not passed - on the Republican House. The current Republican House has become a lesser version of the Democratic House under Tip O’Neill and Jim Wright. They are almost as spendthrift as the Dems were. It disgusts me. But moving along…)

So what have I discussed here? 1) Most Americans seem to reflexively vote according to their self-described party affiliation. 2) Using myself as an example, I explained that while I feel I don’t reflexively vote party line, I evaluate with which candidate I share the most positions; and anticipate candidates will “tow the party line” in areas not expressly stated in a campaign. 3) This attempt to predict future behaviour is a factor in my voting habits trending toward Republicans. My unstated question has been “How many other people perform this type of evaluation?” I believe that I will review candidate’s positions and then decide for whom I will vote. But because I have a core set of personal beliefs, this makes my evaluation process fairly short. Do other Americans evaluate candidates like I do? Or is the vote of many others a reflexive party affiliation action?

The Hobbesian in me (that part of me that takes a dim view of human nature) says that most Americans are just too dumb or self-centered to have a set of core political beliefs and thus would prefer the easier path of voting the affiliation their parents and grandparents had. If this is the case, then only 20% of Americans either have a set of core beliefs against which they judge political candidates or 20% are so confused about what they do or don’t believe in that they just shouldn’t be allowed to vote in the first place. (And they probably shouldn’t be allowed to breed either.)

I would love to have the Big Hominid chime in on this one. He is a fairly apolitical guy. How does he select for whom he would vote? Since most candidates don’t detail their position on interreligious dialog (except to say that they love God and express admiration for the beliefs of the church/synagogue/mosque they happen to be visiting), it could be hard to decide. Hummm….

To get to other items of interest….

Have you seen the MoveOn.org ad? It disgusts me. But coming from people who would gladly elect someone who fornicates with goats over George Bush, what else would you expect? (Did you know the Simon Wiesenthal Center condemned the ad?)

HARLOT ALERT! Britney? Married. Annulled. Humm.. Who’da thunk that Britney Spears could give the Dennis Rodman/Carmen Electra marriage the glow of longevity. Also see Mr. Green’s comments. They made me laugh.

If this works, I’ll do it.

Let’s see. Gore endorses Dean and we catch Saddam. Bradley endorses Dean, who’s next?

More Mars exploration. Good stuff.

South Korean prostitutes in court! Pimps beware!

Don’t visit North Korea. Visit South Korea. (And while there, visit a South Korean prostitute to help defray her legal fees.)

As a blog with a stylized boar’s head in the logo, we should report more news about boar’s. Lucky there is some. Is your Maximum Leader the only one a bit disturbed reading this to learn that there are potentially thousands of wild 300lb boars living in the Berlin Metro area?

And finally, Go Packers!

Carry on.

Sure, fine, you’re a bucket of laughs. Go “Ni” yourself.

Mr. Ag below says “I guess the lyrics aren’t, by themselves, particularly funny. Delivery matters.” I completely agree. Python isn’t about the actual words, or punchlines, it’s about context, and delivery. Much of it is funny purely because it’s absurd and just plain silly.

That’s why you aren’t funny when you recite “Holy Grail” lines in your bad british accent.

Regarding our current president, One of the main things I dislike about Bush, is he reveals how much todays party loyalists are, in the words of Seinfeld, “just rooting for the shirt.” Bush isn’t really conservative. He’s pro-Business and pro-Religious Right. There’s nothing traditionally conservative about him except his suits. Idealogically, he’s a mish mash of so much crap that it’s difficult to nail down anything solid, except his love for, and his pandering to big business. Everything he does seems aimed at either making his oil buddies richer, or setting himself up for the 2004 campaign. There hasn’t been as ideologically void a president since I’ve been paying attention to politics.

Bush also seems to have no clue about what I deem to be true American values, like the liberties and freedoms outlined in the bill of rights. Not only does he seem clueless, he doesn’t seem to care.

The nail in the whole coffin is how freaking incompetant the Dems have been. Where’s the opposition? Sitting at home picking their noses? The one lesson to be learned from the George Dubya era is that the GOP is focused on maintaiing power with little real agenda, and the Democrats exist, but only God knows why.

I have to finish by thanking Max Leader and his family for my daughters Christmas Present. (here). The Fisher Price Little People toys are great toys. My daughter loves them, and the line goes way way back to the 60s. Courtesy of my parents who never throw things out, my daughter now loves playing with my Little People airport circa 1970.

My one gripe about Little People toys is the inclusion of a video in every box. Videos that are nothing more than 20 minute commercials for Little People products. OK, we’ve already bought your stuff, so why give US a commercial? I guess you expect us to buy more. Too bad there are only three of these videos. Then again, maybe that’s smart. Maybe you know we’ll pass on all these extra vids to friends kids, and then they’ll be sucked in.

Anyway, for parents unfamiliar with these toys, I highly recoment Little People toys. The farm is a classic, the circus train rules, and Noah’s ark seems to be right up there. The zoo would be better if the sounds weren’t so lame.

A hymn to Spam:

http://www.kbuxton.com/discordia/spamhymn.html

Not quite the Monty Python classic (found below) but still amusing.

http://www.elyrics.net/go/m/Monty_Python/Spam/

Well, after re-reading the MP Spam song, I guess the lyrics aren’t, by themselves, particularly funny. Delivery matters.

The same Discordia site also has an amusing list of quotations. I was pleasantly surprised at how many of the quotes from the movies that the ML’s loyal minions have proclaimed classic:

http://www.kbuxton.com/discordia/discordianquotes.html

Enjoy!

Took the Ag Minister’s test. I’m
63% Green Party
58% Libertarian and
58% Democratic
The GOP for me comes 7th at 37%.

Don’t know if I can vote for Dean either. I hate the Bush administration for many many reasons, some of which Mr. Ag outlined below. Don’t feel like going into it all here. None of the Dems rub me the right way, though. Yet another unsatisfying choice.

On to the substance of the post… Pete Rose. Great article in the Washington Post here by Thomas Boswell who articulates my feelings very well, so I won’t go into it. Suffice to say, Rose shows no comprehension of why what he did was wrong, nor does he seem to feel that he did anything wrong, only that he was unfortunate enough to be caught. Should he be allowed into the Hall of Fame. Sure. Posthumously.

After revealing the results of the issue quiz in my last post, I challenged people to reflect about whether their voting habits mirror their positions on the issues. On the quiz, I agreed with the Democratic stance 86% of the time. But I may not vote Democratic.

Lemme ‚ÄövÑv=splain.

On domestic issues, I think George Bush is a horrible president. During a time of war (which I support), he issues a huge handout to the richest of the rich. With a mushrooming deficit, he has promoted a tax policy that results in a massive gift to the top 1%, who were already doing just fine, thanks very much. I am astounded at the political irresponsibility of adding a drug benefit for (mostly well-off) seniors when everyone understands that the senior entitlement programs are a ticking time bomb of a pyramid scheme (of course, the Dems are guilty here too). I think loyal readers of the MWO can tell from my earlier posts how I feel about folks using their particular hateful brand of Christianity to justify discrimination and to take choices away from women, and will remember that I support reasonable gun control. So far, it sounds like I should vote for a democratic-leaning potato if that would get Shrub out of office.

In foreign policy, while I have deep concerns about Bush‚ÄövÑv¥s preparation for the post-war reconstruction and am troubled by his (stupid) lie about the Nigerian uranium, I agree that the war was both just and necessary. I also have no patience with the folks who decry Bush‚ÄövÑv¥s unilateralism. While Bush‚ÄövÑv¥s style of interaction with the rest of the world could be improved, no amount of amiability will erase the fact that France‚ÄövÑv¥s national interest is simply different than ours. I agree with the Neocons that the U.N. should have no veto power over U.S. actions when our national interest is at stake.

I also have no patience with the Blame-America first crowd. Moslem fundamentalists are going to hate us no matter what we do. I also have no patience with the perpetual negotiators. You just can‚ÄövÑv¥t negotiate with some people. I would place Saddam in the same category as Hitler, Stalin, and North Korea‚ÄövÑv¥s dear leader (Check out the Big Hominid Blog for a 101 reasons NOT to negotiate with NK) ‚ÄövÑv¨ any agreement made will be immediately violated.

Given a choice, I would eagerly vote for a Democrat who held beliefs that matched my domestic policies, IF he also had a rudimentary understanding of foreign policy. But it looks like Dean is going to be nominated.

Ladies and gentleman, I probably not be able to vote for the Doctor from Vermont.

I say that very sadly. But good god, the man is an idiot when it comes to foreign policy. I wonder if he ever took any good history classes while he was on the way to earning his medical degree. The degree of his international naiveté is appalling.

There is also the lying problem. I suspect that the press corps of Vermont never put Dean under the microscope like the national press has (and will continue to do). The fact that a person never lies is not a qualification for the presidency. There are times when a President SHOULD lie to the American people ‚ÄövÑv¨ I‚ÄövÑv¥m glad FDR sold lend-lease to the American people as a business deal. I‚ÄövÑv¥m glad FDR was able to get isolationists to agree to the destroyer deal by claiming he was building American naval power in the Caribbean. However, Dean‚ÄövÑv¥s lying is stupid and reveals a contempt for the intelligence of the reporting corps (and by extent, I‚ÄövÑv¥m afraid, contempt for the American people).

When he lied about his previous stance on Medicare, did he think that reporters wouldn‚ÄövÑv¥t go look up his record? When he justified closing his records by claiming Bush did it, did he think reporters wouldn‚ÄövÑv¥t discover that Bush‚ÄövÑv¥s attempt to close his records was thwarted by a judge?

But even if I overlook the stupid dishonesty issue, Dean‚ÄövÑv¥s utopian ignorance about how the world works (Keep consulting the U.N.! France would have come around for me!) scares the bejeezus out of me.

When I expressed my fears to a close friend, he essentially replied: Liar, schmier. I don‚ÄövÑv¥t care if he‚ÄövÑv¥s a goat molester as long as he can push Bush out of the White House.

A fair number of Democratic die-hards may feel this way. But I predict that a solid percentage of Democrats will cast their votes elsewhere if Dean gets the nomination. I will. I want Bush out of the oval office, but do not want a pacifist nincompoop in the oval office.

The teacher with whom I share a room has his kids taking the following quiz online:

http://www.3pc.net/matchmaker/quiz.html

I rated 86% Democrat.

During the last election I had my kids in Baltimore take a similar test. Almost half of the kids had more in common with the Republican platform than with the Democratic platform. They were horrified. Some kids would quickly shut off their computers when the results came in so that their neighbors would not see that they agreed with Republicans. I didn‚ÄövÑv¥t want to tell them how to vote ‚ÄövÑv¨ that is not my job as a teacher. In fact, their blind, thoughtless allegiance to the Democratic party is generally aligned with my voting preferences. However, we want to turn out citizens that vote on the basis of issues and logic, not on blind prejudices handed down from their parents. I can‚ÄövÑv¥t believe how many times I heard the blatant generalization: ‚ÄövÑv Republicans hate Black people.‚ÄövÑvp

I think the hardest task the Republican party has in attracting African-Americans is in overcoming this prejudice. On many issued, the African-Americans I taught in Baltimore (generally) agreed with Republicans: The majority of my students wanted Christianity to be endorsed by schools and the government, wanted prayer in the schools, wanted abortion to be illegal, and were tremendously hostile to the concept of equal rights for homosexuals. While significant gaps continued (and continue) to exist on other major issues, you would think this social conservatism would translate into some sympathy for the Republican Party.

Ah well. As the ML frequently notes, people do not always behave rationally in a democracy. Churchill: ‚ÄövÑv The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.‚ÄövÑvp

Take the test. Do your voting plans match your issue-based party preference?

UPDATE: Your Maximum Leader took the test. He rated 76% Libertarian and 71% Republican. He has one beef with the test however. The default setting for the dropdowns will cause your score to slant Democratic if you skip a question by accident. He believes if the default was something other than “increase,” “maintain,” or “decrease” you might get a more accurate result.

First of all, thanks to Max L for dinner last night. Max L, Big Hominid and I went out to dinner in Old Towne Alexandria to bid farewell to Big Hominid as he departs for Korea. It was nice to see BH’s family again.

Here’s my take on my personal top ten films of all time in roughly reverse chronological order.

-Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings (counting as one film)
-The Princess Bride
-This is Spinal Tap
-Raiders of the Lost Ark (The best pure action film of all time)
-Empire Strikes Back (The best Star Wars film by far)
-Slap Shot
-The Godfather (I and II, counting it as one work, ignoring III which sucked)
-From Russia With Love
-To Kill a Mockingbird
-The Ten Commandment

Honorable Mention in no particular order
-Mr. Roberts
-The African Queen
-Bull Durham
-Shogun (the original miniseries, not the short film version)
-Lawrence of Arabia
-My Favorite Year (”Ladies are unwell, gentlemen vomit.”)
-Blade Runner (Director’s cut)
-Henry V (Kenneth Brannaugh version)
-Thomas Crown Affair (Pierce Brosnan version… He sucks as Bond, but he’s great here.)
-Trading Places
-The Sound of Music
-The Lion King
-Shrek

With all due respect, the definitive “40 signs” list (the one on the fridge at the old Farmhouse) was made Prior to the existence of digital cable, and prior to the adoption of the title “Bighominid” by Kev. So what Kenneth Starr wants to know is “Where’s the definitive list?”.

Conservatives might not find these as funny, but you all have to admit the appropriation of the WW II patriotic poster style (America’s Socialist Realism?) is amusing:

http://www.whitehouse.org/initiatives/posters/

Sorry for the minimimalist contributions over the last couple of days. Trying to save the chilled calf has me runnning at a severe sleep deficit. Alas, there is no happy ending in sight.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader believes firmly that the dog is the greatest animal for companionship, hunting, and so many other things. But in terms of pure utility, it is hard to beat a pig. (You can use just about every part of pig.) With this new research: Pig Manure Can Become Crude Oil that becomes more true.

Carry on.

Greetings loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was over looking at the Minon and Lackey blog and saw a link to this. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t know what to make of it. But it is cool in an unusual and time-wasting sort of way.

In other news… Although the photo they chose to accompany this article was not terribly flattering, it seems as though many men would like to take Angelina Jolie out for a candle-lit dinner on New Years Eve. If you were to take Angelina out on a date and hit it off with her would you 1) have to get a tattoo of her name on your person? 2) exchange vials of blood? 3) agree to co-star with her in “Tomb Raider 3: Lara Croft Makes It Hurt So Good?” (Just asking.)

Hemlock (guest blogging for Conrad) has some great links for bad fiction. Go and read it.

Your Maximum Leader has said to his closest minions for many years that he wants to go on Safari in Africa and kill some big game. He has always thought that Cape Buffalo would be a fine target. Thus, he loved reading this on Kim Du Toit’s site. (NB: For those of you concerned that your Maximum Leader would pull a Teddy Roosevelt and want to kill all them cute Lions, Tigers, Rhinos, and Elephants - fear not. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t need to kill endangered game.)

Once again, that machine of a blogger, Dr. Keith Burgess-Jackon, just keeps churing out great stuff. Your Maximum Leader particularly liked this reading list.

That is about it for now.

Carry on.

Greetings loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader emerges from the Villainschloss after 6 days of rest and relaxation. To be quite honest, Christmas day was not very relaxing. The Villainettes were wild with glee at all of the gifts they got. But that is to be expected from Villainettes. Overall, he feels recharged and reinvigourated. And to assure that his good mood continues into the new year, he may well go back into the sweet isolation of the great obsidian tower of the Villainschloss for a few more days this week.

So let us see what there is to blog about…

Mudslides in California. It is a really horrible thing. Mrs. Villain was distressed to hear about this on Christmas.

Your Maximum Leader also feels badly for the people of Iran. 25000 dead from earthquakes. Very sad that the mullahs controlling Iran don’t know anything about building codes.

Your Maximum Leader thanks the Minister of Agriculture for the beef. Especially with Mad Cows on the loose. Damn those Canadians.

They found me a new pet!

Your Maximum Leader is still writing his big post. But he is trying to edit and re-write and polish his work.

And finally…. Your Maximum Leader can proclaim that the terrorists have won. Yes they have. We no longer live in a free country. We live in a feeble state cowed by terrorists and thugs. Allow your Maximum Leader to explain…

For Christmas dinner at the Villainschloss, your Maximum Leader, Mrs. Villain, the Villainettes, your Maximum Leader’s honoured in-laws, and the esteemed parents of your Maximum Leader like to dine on fine prime rib roast of beef, yorkshire pudding, broiled potatoes, asparagus salad, and onion casserole. (In case you were wondering, we had cold appetizers this year - not the normal mushroom-caps stuffed with crab meat. And, of course, the dinner is finished with some pies and cakes. And we know dinner is truely finished when your Maximum Leader adjourns to his study with Port and Stilton. But I digress…)

For those of you unaccustomed to making yorkshire pudding, you need fat. This is not to say that you need to be fat, but you must have liquid beef fat in which t cook the pudding. This fat must be heated until it satisfies the three “S”es. The fat must be “silent,” “still,” and “smoking” before you add the pudding batter. Now, to move along the narrative…

With Americans being more health conscious than ever, our beef is being trimmed of its fat in a way completely unknown to our parent, grandparents, and other ancestors. Hamburger is proudly sold as being “95% lean.” This, my loyal minions, is a travesty. A few years ago, on Christmas day, your Maximum Leader looked into the oven in which was cooking the Christmas roast and saw that there were no drippings! And not only that, there were only 2 teaspoons of fat in the pan. This, my loyal minions, was not enough fat with which to cook the yorkshire pudding. So that year your Maximum Leader vowed never to be without sufficent fat on Christmas; lest his yorkshire pudding be cooked in Crisco and barely edible. From that year forward, your Maximum Leader himself has always gone out to a local butcher and acquired some extra fat for his yorkshire pudding. This year, the trip to the butcher was a rude awakening in how the terrorists have taken control of our nation.

Your Maximum Leader went to the grocery store and went to the meat department. Mrs. Villain has always had luck with this store and their butchers, so your Maximum Leader decided it was acceptable to patronize himself. He noticed a burly proletarian-looking fellow with a blood-spattered lab coat and assumed this man to be the butcher. Allow your Maximum Leader to recount what conversation ensued:

Maximum Leader: Good evening. Good man, are you the butcher here?
Butcher: Meat cutter.
ML: Come again?
Butcher: Meat cutter. I’m the meat cutter.
ML: (Thinking that someone called a meat cutter is a butcher’s apprentice.) Will the butcher return presently? I have need for beef fat and must speak with the butcher.
Butcher: Listen. We don’t call ourselves butchers anymore. We are meat cutters.
ML: You don’t say…
Butcher: Yup. Even the Union has changed its name. We don’t like to be called butchers anymore.
ML: Why is that? After hunters and prostitutes, butchers are practioners one of the oldest and most noble professions in the world.
Butcher: Don’ know. I just know I am a meat cutter. So you need fat?
ML: Yes I do.
Butcher: Come back tomorrow at 8am. We should have some then.
ML: Indeed. I shall send my man for it. Good day, Mr. Meat Cutter…

Now your Maximum Leader must say it… What the F**k? Since when have butchers not been butchers? And sure enough, the friggin union is calling itself the “Meat Cutters.” Your Maximum Leader was troubled by this nomenclature change while driving back to the Villainschloss in the Villainmobile. Then it dawned on him. The Butcher of Baghdad. The Butcher of Lyons. Damnit! The media was giving butchers a bad name… So they went and decided to call themselves “meat cutters.”

And so it is. Butchers have gotten a self-esteem issue because everytime some homicidal maniac kills people the appellation “The Butcher of ‘Fill-in-your-locality-here’” is liberally applied by the press. So to overcome their self-esteem issue, the butchers are no more. The butchers are dead! Long live the meat cutters! Damn the terrorists and nazis who have done this. Damn them all to hell… And that, my loyal minions, is another sign that the terrorists have won.

Carry on.

[NB: I hate the plural form “dwarfs.” It’s arguably the more commonly-used form, but I’ll continue to write “dwarves” until somebody shoots me.]

Every New Year’s Eve’s Eve’s Eve (i.e., the 29th of December), the Maximum Leader steps out onto the soaring perch of his 200-meter-high obsidian balcony, surveys the fawning masses below, and begins the annual Pardoning of theDwarves ritual, which ends with the incantation, “I PISS ON EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU.”

All the captured dwarves are brought forth into the daylight from their dungeons, flogging chambers, and forced-breeding dens, where they are ordered to stand in ranks while the wee Villainettes randomly select seven dwarves (yes, seven) for pardoning.

The audience wildly applauds the Maximum Leader’s demonstration of compassion and mercy. They celebrate with a feast, followed by an even more thorough flogging of the remaining dwarves. The seven pardoned dwarves are sent into the woods where they may seek their fortune as manual laborers, but are forbidden sexual congress with normal human women (a law put in place after the embarrassing Snow White incident).

Tomorrow, then, is the Pardoning of the Dwarves. Your attendance is requested. Please assemble in front of the Villainschloss Balcony to bask in your Maximum Leader’s Ponderous Peroration, and make sure your stomachs are empty, that they may be filled with the flesh of all manner of slaughtered beasts and birds. Please bring your horsewhips (and your good cheer) if you plan to participate in the Supplementary Flogging.

Glory to the realm!