Useless Laws

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader just got onto his fully-functioning ubercomputer after it was in the thrall of Mrs. Villain most of the night. He figured he’d read up on the goings-on in the world for a little bit and then retire.

But one article caught his attention…

Now for those of you who may not know this, your Maximum Leader is generally quite pleased with the job his state government transacts. He is a proud Virginian, certainly when most matters of state governance are concerned.

Well… Except for this. Do we really need a law banning low-rider pants? Come now. Is this the proper use of legislative time in a short session (60 days)?

Your Maximum Leader remembers when he used to live in Virginia Beach, Virginia. He heard that the City Council was going to ban the wearing of thong-style bikini bottoms in public. He actually went to the public hearing on that proposed ordinance. It was, perhaps, the single most entertaining public meeting he’s ever attended. There were various city councilors and their supporters with big blown-up photos (probably 2ft x 3 ft) of various women’s arses. All wearing thongs. They were being shown to illustrate the problem with thongs, namely how they expose too much arse flesh. (And as we all know, the puritans were right when they taught us that exposed flesh excites the passions.)

Eventually a city ordinance was passed. Thongs are illegalto wear in public in the city of Virginia Beach. And to help the police who might have to enforce that law there are written guidelines. Basically, a bathing suit must cover, at a minimum, 33% of the surface area of a woman’s buttocks. If it does not, it is illegal.

Your Maximum Leader would really like to see a police officer actually try to calculate the surface area of a woman’s arse and determine if her bathing suit covers the requisite 33%. That would be something.

Carry on.

Behold! It Is Th Year Of The Cock.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, although not Asian himself, does really enjoy celebrating the Lunar New Year. Indeed, he is starting to celebrate today (Feb 8). Why? Well because in Asia it is already Lunar New Year (Feb 9). Indeed, they’re already celebrating in China. And the Big Hominid informs me that celebrations are afoot in Korea as well.

So. According to the Zodiac, this is the year of the Cock. Many people in America choose to call this the year of the Rooster, as Cock has some “other” connotations. But as a person born in a year of the Cock, your Maximum Leader prefers to call it the year of the Cock.

According to various web sites (and countless paper place-mats at Chinese Restaurants) what are some characteristics of people born in the year of the Cock? Let us take a look:

Positive Character traits: Courageous, hardworking, thoughtful (even a deep thinker), shows grace under pressure, shrewd, enjoys learning, independent capable worker, decisive, skillful, enjoys cooking, and would be a successful restauranteur.

Negative Characteristics: Arrogant, reckless, shrewd as a woman, selfish, eccentric, boastful, prone to overcommit, trust only themselves, extremely optimistic, exceedingly self-confident and self assured (cocky), works alone, claims outwardly to like high adventure and danger but is really inclined to avoid risk, will often think up crazy plans.

Humm… Lets see. About the only ones your Maximum Leader would quibble with would be “extremely optimistic,” “boastful,” and “reckless.” Your Maximum Leader is actually somewhat risk-averse in many ways.

And in a final note… According to a number of websites out there, 2005 will be a bad year for people born under the sign of the Cock. So, your Maximum Leader will be on guard. (In that vein, he is keeping a close eye - perhaps he’ll even shoot an evil eye - in the direction of the Smallholder…)

Carry on.

Deep Throat Revealed?

Fred Fielding.

Cool, cool, cool.

Okay, Take Away My Man Card

I didn’t watch the Superbowl.

I did see part of the opening ceremony while feeding my boy Jack a bottle. They introduced a selection of veterans from the Big One, including a 3rd Division Marine who landed at Iwo Jima with my Uncle John.

Bouncing Jack on my lap, I realized that he would never get to go fishing with his great uncle who had made the world safe for democracy.

I cried.

UPDATE FROM YOUR MAXIMUM LEADER: Who said you had a man card to take away? Your Maximum Leader couldn’t resist the snarky comment. The set-up was too good to pass up.

Bad Poetry

The Big Hominid has occasionally inspired me to pen a few rather awful haikus.

Those of you who remember my Dan Rather ode probably wish you didn’t.

But I have found my true poetry hero: William Topaz McGonagall of Dundee, Scotland, renowned as the Worst Poet in the History of the World.

It’s good to have a goal
Mine is loftier than being a blog troll
I may leave odd comments for Ally, Kilgore, or Bill
But - I’d like to point out - entirely of my own free will
I try never to speak ill
Though it might be a thrill
To roast muddle-headed idjits (with, may I say, a fair amount of skill)
Nay - I may blog on the side
But that’s just part of the ride
I really yearn to be like William Topaz McGonagall,
With a passion close to monomaniacal,
To feel the recognition of my peers
(Though tempered by jeers)
As they delight in my words of dogerrel,
And say: Smallholder ’tis a right McGonagall!

Late Night Teacher Blues

I showed a movie - Far and Away - to my AP kids tonight.

I’m sitting here - at 8:40 PM - in the school office, waiting for a persnickety copier to finish tomorrow’s tests.

I haven’t seen my kids all day and I’m a couple hours late with the calf feeding.

I’m tired.

Wah. Wah. Wah.

Restraining Orders Work!

Under a court-ordered ban to stay out of my barn, the lovely Sadie has found consolation in the arms of another.

Seriously, let me publicly proclaim that I wish the happy couple all the best.

Woo-hoo! Let the engagement festivities begin!

I Fear, I Fear, I Fear

That the previous posting’s article is as accurate as this one (via the Propaganda Minister):

September 3, 1967:
U.S. Encouraged by Vietnam Vote Officials Cite 83% Turnout Despite Vietcong Terror
by Peter Grose, Special to the New York Times
WASHINGTON, Sept. 3– United States officials were surprised and heartened today at the size of turnout in South Vietnam’s presidential election despite a Vietcong terrorist campaign to disrupt the voting.
According to reports from Saigon, 83 per cent of the 5.85 million registered voters cast their ballots yesterday. Many of them risked reprisals threatened by the Vietcong.
….A successful election has long been seen as the keystone in President Johnson’s policy of encouraging the growth of constitutional processes in South Vietnam. The election was the culmination of a constitutional development that began in January, 1966, to which President Johnson gave his personal commitment wen he met Premier Ky and General Thieu, the chief of state, in Honolulu in February.
The purpose of the voting was to give legitimacy to the Saigon Government, which has been founded only on coups and power plays since November, 1963, when President Ngo Dinh Deim was overthrown by a military junta.

I hope, I hope, I hope

Please, please, please let this Washington Post article be accurate:

Iraqis Cite Shift in Attitudes Since Vote Mood Seen Moving Against Insurgency
By Doug StruckWashington Post Foreign ServiceMonday, February 7, 2005; Page A01
BAGHDAD, Feb. 6 — With a hero who gave his life for the elections, a revived national anthem blaring from car stereos and a greater willingness to help police, the public mood appears to be moving more clearly against the insurgency in Iraq, political and security officials said.
In the week since national elections, police officers and Iraqi National Guardsmen said they have received more tips from the public, resulting in more arrests and greater effectiveness in their efforts to weaken the violent insurgency rocking the country.
None of the official said they believed the violence was over. An attack Sunday on a police station in Mahawil, 50 miles south of Baghdad, left 22 policemen and National Guardsmen and 14 attackers dead, the Associated Press reported. The incident was a bloody end to a day in which at least nine other Iraqis were reported slain, and a U.S. soldier was killed and two others were wounded north of the capital. Four Egyptian engineers were kidnapped and two insurgent groups issued statements threatening to kill an Italian journalist who was taken hostage on Friday.
But officials in Baghdad said a relative lull in violence in the capital has fueled the sense that something has fundamentally changed since the vote. A change of attitudes in Baghdad could make a crucial difference in the battle against the insurgency, and a buoyed sense of civic pride is already beginning to change the way the public treats the police, authorities say.
“They saw what we did for them in the election by providing safety, and now they understand this is their army and their sons,” said Sgt. Haider Abudl Heidi, a National Guardsman wearing a flak jacket at a checkpoint in Baghdad.
Reports from Iraqis reflected a similar shift in attitudes in large areas of the north and south, although authorities acknowledged that in some parts of the country, people remain hostile to the emerging Iraqi authority and supportive, to varying degrees, of the insurgents.
The insurgency began to emerge soon after the toppling of Saddam Hussein, on a tide of anger over the U.S. occupation. But in interviews over the past week, officials and Baghdad residents cited what they called a renewed nationalist pride since the elections that they said may be dampening anti-American sentiment, and may be starting to dispel Iraqi tolerance and support for the insurgents.
“I feel very optimistic that things will change for the better because of the strong turnout in the elections. That reinforced our faith and gave us a sense of change for the better,” said Ali Jassem, 32, the manager of a bakery in Baghdad.
“You can feel the situation has changed,” said Haider Abdul Hussein, 30, a pharmacy owner. “People seem to linger on the street longer. You can feel the momentum, the sense of optimism.”
Part of that mood change is credited to Abdul Amir, Iraq’s newest national hero. On election day, Amir, 30, a policeman in Baghdad, noticed a man walking toward a polling station who appeared to be carrying something heavy under his coat. Amir wrapped his arms around the man and dragged him away from the crowd. A belt of explosives wrapped around the man blew both men to shreds.
Members of Iraq’s interim cabinet have touted Amir as a symbol of national pride. Newspapers have been filled with stories about him. A statue is being planned, and the elementary school that served as the polling station where he died may change its name to honor him.
“It’s too simple to say what he did was heroic,” said Najat Abdul Sattar, the principal of the school, where bright-eyed children study in dim concrete classrooms just yards from where Amir was killed. “What more honor could we give the man?”
“When people saw what he did, they said we will not let those violent people intimidate us, and they went to vote in even greater numbers. Where there were three or four in line, after the blast there were 30 or 40,” said Mohammed Hadithi, who lives near the school.
The change has also been evident in the recent popularity of “My Homeland,” a mournful song that was banned by Hussein but has been revived as a national anthem. Iraqis sing along to the paean to Iraqi glory and nationalism as it blares from radios and from speakers propped up outside storefronts in the capital.
Adil Abdul-Mahdi, the interim finance minister and a powerful figure in the Shiite-led coalition expected to dominate Iraq’s new National Assembly, contended that the elections created a sense of solidarity that helped dissolve an Iraqi aversion to trusting neighbors, a habit ingrained during the Hussein era.
“People know their neighbors now. They know they are on te same front as their neighbors — they all went out and voted,” he said in an interview Saturday. “I think this has uncovered the terrorists and insurgents. They are less legitimate now.”
The elections also appear to have renewed public confidence in Iraqi security forces, who were on the front lines of a largely successful effort to protect 5,000 polling centers from violence.
In the weeks before and since the Jan. 30 elections, Iraqi forces have claimed increasing success in arresting ringleaders of the insurgency.
Security forces announced Sunday that they were holding a former Iraqi general who they said helped finance insurgent bombings and plotted attacks. The general, Khamis Masin Farhan Ugaydi, 51, was captured Dec. 20 in the town of Baiji, about 120 miles north of Baghdad, the Associated Press reported. Officials did not explain the delay in announcing the arrest.
“We are arresting more terrorists than ever before,” said Iraqi National Guard Sgt. Kathem Hanish in Baghdad. “The people are coming to us with information. They are cooperating.”
At the station where Amir had worked in the Yarmouk neighborhood of Baghdad, policemen said they were encouraged by the reaction to their colleague’s heroism.
“It was a turning point,” Capt. Muthana Latif said. “People saw that there weren’t any Americans or foreigners there. Only policemen. The suicide bomber was just after Iraqis.”
“Policemen did not have a role in this country,” police Col. Katham Abbas Hamza said. “Now we are considered number one guardians of the country.”
Insurgents have frequently targeted Iraqi security forces, branding them traitors for working with the Americans and propping up the U.S.-backed government. At least 1,300 have been killed in the last six months, according to U.S. officials.
On a board at the Yarmouk police station, the daily shift notices are penciled in next to a handwritten list of funerals: Patrolman Bilal Jassim, shot; Patrolman Mushtaq Talib, ambushed in patrol car; Patrolman Luay Ubaid, killed by roadside bomb. The list has now grown to nine names, including Amir’s.
“But if we opened up the recruiting right now, we would be swamped,” Latif said.
In Baiji, Iraqi forces arrested 10 people in a raid on Sunday, without triggering an angry public reaction.
“Even though he was taking my son away, he was so nice,” an 80-year-old woman who identified herself as Um Younis said about a hooded Iraqi security officer.
“We were surprised because they had very good manners, so polite, and respected everybody,” said Anwar Zuhair Khalaf, 38, whose 21-year-old brother was among those arrested. “They asked me, ‘Where are the women’s rooms?’ and when we pointed at their rooms, they did not enter these rooms even though we have a AK-47 in one of these rooms.”

Annoyance

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader’s PC is back and apparently fine. Which is the good news. But there is a dark cloud hiding behind this silver lining… Mrs. Villain.

It looks like Mrs. Villain has a rightful claim to use the computer to complete work-related stuff during your Maximum Leader’s prime blogging time. So, his postings might be a little sparse this week.

Well… Minions your Maximum Leader must blog about some annoyances that are bothering him right now.

First. His Shogun:Total War game does not appear to be fully compatible with Windows XP. This really pisses him off. Your Maximum Leader didn’t feel like playing Medieval: Total War this past weekend, but did want to conquer feudal Japan instead. The game just seems to crash with XP. He downloaded various patches that supposedly would help. But they did not. And this started him down the path of annoyance which became a theme this past weekend.

Second. Your Maximum Leader became a little annoyed at libertarians. While this is not directed at anyone particularly, it was prompted by a post from Sadie, and a phone converstation your Maximum Leader had with an acquaintance he has here in town. What has annoyed him was the assumption that libertarians are “socially liberal, fiscally conservative, and in favour of limited government.” (That quote was from your Maximum Leader’s acquaintance.)

This is what is annoying. (And annoying with your Maximum Leader’s friend specifically, many other libertarians generally, and almost not at all with the beautiful, desireable, but wholly unavailable Sadie.) Why is it that so many libertarians feel that they have to label themselves as “socially liberal.” Isn’t this appelation really a subset of their belief in limited government? Ostensibly, a libertarian is in favour of limited government because they believe in the primacy of the individual and individual liberty. The whole purpose of being a libertarian is to show that you believe that people should be able to do what they will without government interference. (Within certain contraints.) What does being socially liberal have to do with it? Are people libertarians so that they an smoke pot and grow their own hemp and own guns without government interference? Are there any socially conservative libertarians? If there was such an appelation - it might fit your Maximum Leader. (As it stands, he’ll stick to conservative.)

Really now. Beyond pot, abortion, and gun ownership - what are the core beliefs of many many self-styled libertarians? Have they ever really thought out what their “belief system” might actually entail or look like if implemented. Your Maximum Leader is all in favour of a Robert Nozick style-minimalist state. All in favour of it theoretically. But could it work? NO. Not given the way things are now and are likely to remain for the period of the dominion of humans on this Earth.

Third annoyance. This was pointed out to your Maximum Leader by the lovely (and desireable, and available) Annika. Annika wrote your Maximum Leader to inform him that the gun on the M-1A1 Abrams tank was manufactured in Germany.

This little tidbit provoked three reactions in your Maximum Leader. The first was purely hormonal. How many beautiful, ideologically pure, California girls could tell you off the top of their pretty blonde head that the main gun on an M-1 tank was made in Germany?

Not many is your Maximum Leader’s guess.

And that little bit of knowledge is DEAD SEXY. Ohhhhh yeah buddy. DEAD SEXY.

The second reaction was, “This surely could not be.” Let us call this second reaction the “google reaction.”

The third reaction was annoyance. Because the tidbit is perfectly true. not only is it true, but the gun isn’t even a Krupp. (Sad.)

So in addition to being annoyed at dependence of our military on foreign suppliers for microchips and such; we’re also dependent on foreign suppliers for tank guns.

How pathetic is that?

Pretty friggin pathetic.

The fourth thing that annoyed your Maximum Leader was the play of the Philadelphia Eagles at the end of the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl. What the hell were they doing lollygagging their way up to the line of scrimage? Were they waiting for the Patriots to TELL them what defence they would run? Were they hoping to strike a pose for the millions of viewers? Were they imagining Janet Jackson’s breast. Were they hoping to get home to watch all the Tivo’ed Super Bowl ads?

Who knows. But they wasted at least minute of time that they desperately needed. It was poor coaching at the least.

The fifth thing that annoyed your Maximum Leader was the overall quality of Super Bowl ads. They sucked big donkey dicks. Damn. That was the most pathetic crop of ads in decades. Timid advertisers suck.

The sixth thing that is annoying your Maximum Leader right now is that he has to end this blog now (other things to do little minions) when he still has a number of things annoying him.

Carry on.

Cost Trumps Patriotism, But Should Cost Trump Security

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is still without his ubercomputer. A dude from Microsoft did call and tried to take your Maximum Leader through the same routine that Tommy did last weekend. Your Maximum Leader put the kibbosh on that, and asked (politely yet firmly) if this “dude” had anything to try that had not be done before. The dude admitted that he did not. Your Maximum Leader asked the “dude” if he was the wunderkinder that was promised. The dude admitted he was not. Indeed, he was a level below Tommy and wondered how he got this ticket. Anyway. Your Maximum Leader asked if he should expect a callback. The dude insisted that this ticket was still in the queue to be answered by someone in Seattle. To which your Maximum Leader responded that if he did not receive a call by 7pm EST on Friday, the hard drive would be reformatted and the software manually added back.

Lucky your Maximum Leader believes in backups.

Moving along. Your Maximum Leader noticed this item on the Reuters news wire. Our neighbours to the north are in a snit because the Canadian flag lapel pins they give out are made in China. Just like all the national flag lapel pins in the whole world. Canadian legislators determined it was their patriotic duty to keep flag-bearing lapel pins from being outsourced overseas; but couldn’t find a way to deliver them at a reasonable price. So, cheap pins outwieghed their patriotic duty to keep Canadians employed.

Excursus: There is nothing hucksterish about selling velvet Elvis paintings on the side of the road Mr. Angus. It is probably the first entrepreneurial step down the road to building a real small business for many.

This brought to mind one of your Maximum Leader’s little peeves. The amount of overseas supplied materials required to fabricate defence related items. Your Maximum Leader is specifically talking about things such as computer chips made in asia that go into computers that go into everything the military buys. Things like various engine components to military aircraft that are fabricated in South Korean plants and shipped to the US for assembly. Things like missile guidance system components that are made in Taiwan.

All these little things are the things that keep not only the American economy, but the American military going.

Now. Your Maximum Leader is a free-trader. And he doesn’t believe that “globalization” is a bad thing. Indeed, he things it is a generally ood thing. But he doesn’t want his nation’s security potentially imperiled by the vagueries of just-in-time inventories dependent on the labour situation in Seoul, or Taipei, or Shanghai.

One of the few things your Maximum Leader does not object to the US government paying top dollar for is defence equipment procurement. Indeed, he would prefer to have his government pay top dollar to a US contractor to produce aircraft, ships, tanks, guns, computers, kevlar vests, night vision goggles, portable communication devices, missiles, bullets, and all that fun war making stuff in the United States.

He realizes that this would dramatically increase defence spending costs. But it is a cost that he would pay for the piece of mind that comes from knowing that his defence is home grown. He would gladly fly an American flag made in China and wear a Taiwanese Old Glory lapel pin, if it meant that the F/A-18 Superhornet was made with parts manufactured exclusively in the United States.

Your Maximum Leader would gladly sacrifice the United States Department of Education to offset the increase in the Pentagon budget.

(Oy! Your Maximum Leader forgot. He would gladly sacrifice the US Department of Education for simple budget reduction…)

Anyway. It is something that he hasn’t studied in great detail. Perhaps when the ubercomputer is back in operation he’ll try and find some white paper or something on the subject and write more.

Carry on.

Analphilosopher Update

KBJ responds to my Conservatives and Gay Marriage/Animal Rights post.

It is interesting that KBJ is willing to challenge tradition because tradition brings harm to animals, who won’t be able to have “enjoyments, experiences, and activities” if tradition is allowed to stand. He doesn’t seem to worry about human beings who will be denied “enjoyments, experiences, and activities” by the traditionally narrow view of marriage.

He further goes on to argue that “no conservative defends slavery.”

True.

Now.

In 1850, conservatives overwhelmingly defended slavery, either on religious grounds (slavery was supported by both the Old and New Testaments), on constitutional grounds (slavery was protected by the original language f our governmental compact), on traditional grounds (all great societies were built by a cultured upper class enslaving their inferiors - see George Fitzhugh), on pragmatic grounds (challenging the status quo would lead to conflict), on ’scientific’ grounds (Africans were inherently inferior), on democratic grounds (the majority of Americans did not favor abolition - at least until Beecher-Stowe’s emotional appeal began to truly resonate), and on defining slaves as ‘other’ - outside the traditional concerns of society (see Dred Scot v. Sanford).

So a blind adherence to tradition is not a good thing. And KBJ seems to understand that - he argues that the harm of eating meat overrides the presumption in favor of tradition. He is willing to deny the pleasure of humans who enjoy eating and otherwise consuming animal products - it’s a good thing he is not a utilitarian!

So:

Animal enjoyments GREATER THAN Marginal* human enjoyment

* One can clearly see why one’s enjoyment of not being eaten is superior to one’s enjoyment of eating - if you accept (and I do not) that the enjoyments of animals and humans have equal moral status.

But:

Homosexual enjoyments LESS THAN um, what are the social costs of marriage equality?

Traditional conservatives arguments that marriage equality will somehow harm heterosexual unions are risible. The legal status of Joe and Bob’s relationship has no impact at all on Jim and Sally’s relationship. To his credit, KBJ does not make this argument, attempting to justify discrimination not to prevent harm but to maintain the purposive nature of the institution - see his “The Cost of Legal Rules” post.

He argues that the purpose of marriage is to provide a nurturing environment for children. Therefore it is reasonable to limit the institution of marriage to those who can procreate. He then dances around the issue of elderly, infertile, and/or voluntarily childless nuptials by saying that the legal costs of analyzing each marriage for its procreative potential allows the law to morally prefer infertile heterosexuals over homosexuals. He supports his argument with an analogy to drinking laws. Drinking laws want to limit alcohol consumption to those mature enough to handle their liquor responsibly. Since the legal cost of assessing the maturity of every American citizen is astronomic, the arbitrary benchmark of 21 is morally acceptable.

KBJ’s legal cost analogy breaks down on several fronts.

The benchmark of 21 only temporarily denies enjoyments, experiences, and activities to those under 21. For those who are “mature” prior to 21, the law only imposes a not unreasonable wait of a handful of years. Furthermore, that limitation is not a real limitation. Alcohol, unlike marriage, is readily available to those legally barred from partaking. Mature teenagers who don’t raise a ruckus or get falling down drunk don’t get arrested for underage drinking. Stupid, immature, reckless teenagers get snagged by the fuzz - the very people who ought not to be allowed to consume the demon drink. The arbitrary heterosexual benchmark for marriage PERMANENTLY bars gays from participation.

Additionally, the harm caused by the KBJ’s “moral” restrictions is not comparable. Not being able to drink a beer with Ruby Tuesday’s Alpine Burger doesn’t have nearly the impact of not being able to transfer leases, inherit without a will, issue medical directives, amicably divide property in the case of a split, receive health insurance, lead a life of dignity, avoid social stigma and discrimination, buy property, and, as the King of Siam says, “et cetera et cetera.” If the cost of a legal compromise is high, perhaps the legal compromise needs to be reconsidered.

Finally, all of the above arguments are predicated on the unsupported theory which KBJ returns to again and again, that marriage’s purpose is procreation.

Procreation and the material support of children are not the primary purposes of marriage*. If procreation is nt the primary purpose of marriage, KBJ’s entire philosophical support for discrimination collapses into its own rotten foundation.

But a challenge to the generally accepted (and unreflective) view on the nature of marriage deserves its own (lengthy) post.

I’ll try to bang that out fer ya.

* Even if these were the primary purposes of matrimony, homosexuals can raise children too. In fact, on average, children of homosexuals are better adjusted, do better in school, and are happier than the children of heterosexuals**.

** Though one ought to be skeptical of this data since the realities of society skew the sample set. Homosexuals secure enough to live openly with their partner despite the societal stigma will, on average, have higher levels of education and income then their “average” heterosexuals. Lower class, less educated homosexuals are more likely to be closeted. How many openly gay longshoremen do you know? The sample is also skewed because children of homosexuals are universally wanted and planned-for progeny. A child’s success and happiness is highly correlated to being loved and wanted, the education level her parents, and financial security.

Smallholder Cowers In Fear.

Cowers. Heh. Get it?

Hat tip to Analphilosopher and Peg K.

100 Below: Groundhog Day

Batesville Bob paused at his burrow entrance.

“Phuck Punxsutawney Phil’s pathetic prognosticating. He couldn’t pour pee out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.”

“I’ve been to Groundhog Meteorology University. Studied weather patterns diligently. But does Batesville have a festival honoring me? Noooooo! Those silly humans would rather rely on a perpetually puzzled Pennsylvania poltroon who flees his own ‘oracular’ optical occlusion!”

“I’m not a media whore. I’ll pop up, accurately assess the ambient environment, and predict the end of winter.”

BANG!!

Batesville Bob’s brains bounced bloodily beside the burrow.

Smallholder expelled the cartridge. “Damn rodent.”

Prognosticating Rodents.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader continues to suffer through his computer problems. He believes he is likely going to reformat his computer’s hard drive over the weekend. So, he should be back to normal next week.

In other news… At Gobbler’s Knob in Punxatawney, PA, a particularly fat rodent saw his shadow. Apparently this means 6 more weeks of winter.

What this says about our society is hard to make out. Who do you trust to make weather predictions? A fat rodent named Phil who lives in Pennsylvania. Or Al Roker?

Carry on.

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