Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t generally blog about his family or home life. As Dr. Evil once said, “The details of my life are quite inconsequential…” But once and a while your Maximum Leader is moved to write about his personal/home life. ou know… To give his loyal minions a glimse into the secret life of their Maximum Leader. This is one of those times.

Your Maximum Leader has started to grow out a goatee. He has “sported” one in the past. Twice in fact. Once when in graduate school. Your Maximum Leader lived in an old plantation house (built c 1839) at the time. The well was old and on really hot days in July and August the water pressure was sketchy at best. So, to cut down on the water he consumed on bathing, he had his hair cut down to stubble and grew a beard. Alas, the beard didn’t fill in just right, so it was shaved down to a goatee.

At this point your Maximum Leader was about 30 pounds lighter than he is now and had a penchant for wearing vests. He also had small, round, wire rimmed glasses. Some of his friends, and a few students to whom he taught Western Civilization, commented that he looked a bit like Lenin.

But your Maximum Leader digresses…

The second goatee came in late 2001 - April 2002. The company for which your Maximum Leader worked was acquired by another firm. It soon became clear that your Maximum Leader’s job would be eliminated, but if he stayed through the transition he would get a positively generous severance package. At this point your Maximum Leader decided to “let things go” a little and grow a goatee.

It turns out Mrs. Villain liked it a lot. But after some time your Maximum Leader grew weary of it and shaved it off. Mrs. Villain, although claiming that she loved the goatee, didn’t even notice. Indeed, it was gone for two weeks before she even noticed.

Anyhoo… Your Maximum Leader and Mrs. Villain were looking through some photos he took in London in 2002. During the 2nd Goatee period. Mrs. Villain suggested that your Maximum Leader grow back the goatee. He has started to do so. Alas… This time the goatee is showing signs of age. There is much gray hair in the goatee. He’ll let it fill in some more before determining to cut it off. It does make him look thinner, but it also makes him look older. In point of fact, the benefit of looking thinner outweighs the looking older considerations.

In other news around the Villainschloss… Mrs. Villain is now planting the garden. Your Maximum Leader suggested some peppers to add in this year. But Mrs Villain rarely takes your Maximum Leader’s advice on such matters…

For those of you minions who are married here is something… How many times have you resolved just to ignore a tendency, habit, or trait of your better half because you realize that no matter how much you mention it the habit will never change? Your Maximum Leader was reminded of one of Mrs. Villain’s habits yesterday.

You see… Mrs. Villain was baking a chicken for dinner. Nothing fancy. Some garlic cloves stuffed into the meat. A nice dry rub applied liberally to the skin and cavity of the bird. When the bird was finished cooking it was removed from the oven and moved to the carving board. Your Maximum Leader stood watching what unfolded. And what unfolded did so exactly as he predicted it would.

Mrs. Villain regarded the bird and reached for the knife block. From the block she withdrew a magnificent German-made surgical steel knife. The knife in question was a paring knife with a two inch blade. She attempted to slice off some breast meat for the Wee Villain to get things started. Upon realizing that the two inch blade was insufficient for the task, she placed it in the sink and withdrew a second knife. This time a paring/utility knife with a 4 inch blade. Again, the knife wasn’t up to the task of carving the 7 lb bird. She placed the second knife in the sink and withdrew a third. This time she took out of the block a santoku style chef’s knife with an 8 inch blade. In the hands of your Maximum Leader this knife could have done the job - if called upon to do so. But, Mrs Villain found the blade too wide for her tastes. The knife went into the sink. The fourth knife pulled out of the block was the 10 inch chef’s knife. It made short work of thebird once she got going.

1 chicken to carve. Four knives used. Your Maximum Leader both annoyed and amused by this spectacle stood in silence as he watched his lovely wife move from cutting utensil to cutting utensil. For some reason passing understanding your Maximum Leader said, “It’s surprising that you didn’t use the carving knife too. That would have made a clean sweep of all the knives in the block except the tomato and bread knives.” Mrs. Villain shot your Maximum Leader an evil look. Deciding to push his luck, your Maximum Leader said, “If you were doing dishes tonight would you have used all the knives?” To which Mrs. Villain responded, “Yes I would.” Your Maximum Leader smiled at his wife and said, “I know you would have. The Leopard cannot change his spots.”

With that we all sat down to dinner. It was a fine dinner. Afterwards, your Maximum Leader did the dishes. He cleaned, sharpened, and cleaned again the four knives used to dissect the chicken.

In other domestic news… Your Maximum Leader just started to read “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.” He picked it up Sunday night. Currently he’s about 250 pages in. Yes… He knows that Dumbledore gets it in the end from Snape. But it is a good read nonetheless.

And finally… The absolutely delightful Mrs. P asked your Maximum Leader a question in the comment thread of a post on her site. He figured he’d take a moment to answer in this space.

NB to readers: If you don’t read Patum Peperium frequently you are really missing out. Your Maximum Leader visits every day. Sometimes twice a day. He just loves Mrs. P. That is not to say that he doesn’t care for Mr. P. No, not by any stretch. But Mrs. P has an edge to her that he finds captivating. She also is a damn fine cook if her recipes are any indication…

But your Maximum Leader digresses…

Your Maximum Leader’s family was for many years divided when it came to liquor. There were the Scotch drinkers. And then there were the Gin drinkers. If you were inclined to drink liquor you allied yourself with the Scotch side of the family or the Gin side of the family.

Your Maximum Leader was, and still is, a Scotch drinker. He loves his Scotch. For many years it was the only liquor he drank. Period. Nothing else. But about two years ago, on the Fourth of July, your Maximum Leader and his esteemed brother-in-law at the beach. On vacation with our families. For some reason we both decided that we needed some liquor instead of beer with which to celebrate the birth of our great Republic. So we went to the liquor store. Your Maximum Leader walked right up to the Scotch section and started to look for something to buy. Whereupon his brother-in-law said something to the effect of, “You’re gonna drink Scotch on the Fourth of July?” Your Maximum Leader thought about this for a moment and determined that there might be something unpatriotic about drinking Scotch on the Fourth of July. Afterall, our ancestors didn’t throw off the yoke of British rule just to become dependent on British liquor… So, your Maximum Leader picked up a bottle of Makers Mark. He discovered he liked Bourbon. Not as much as he liked Scotch. But he liked it nonetheless. Now your Maximum Leader drinks Bourbon and Scotch in almost equal quantities.

And that is how your Maximum Leader came to drink bourbon…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader saw a headline today on Reuters and all he could think was “idiots.”

Headline: Alcohol industry profits from underage drinking.

Really? Here your Maximum Leader had thought that alcohol companies didn’t mark up their product for the underage? Your Maximum Leader thought that the alcohol companies were sort of like crack dealers; give you the first few samples at no mark up and no “sin tax” to get you hooked… Then, when you hit 21, WHAM! Throw down that mark up and those taxes cause they’ve got you hooked…

Carry on.

I have had just about enough of all this illegal alien stuff. I have notice that NPR doesn’t call them Illegal aliens any more…. They are undocumented workers.

If I hear that ,”They are just doing the jobs that Americans don’t want to do” tripe one more time I think that I am going to puke.

No shit. Who wants to clean toilets or cut grass for $4 an hour?
But if you didn’t have the illegals here to do it at that absurdly low wage, you would have to pay $12-$18 an hour to have it done…
and maybe a LEGAL American WOULD take the job then.

Not only that, but if you give them citizenship, then THEY will become the Americans that “won’t do the job” for such low wages too…. then we will need another 12 MILLION illegals to do the work for us.

I say we adopt Mexicos immigration policy.
http://tinyurl.com/hv7wj

also, It doesn’t seem that Americans Get the same break in Mexico as Mexicans get in the US
http://www.directory.com.mx/immigration/

What if we had a day “without an American”? Sure, you could still get your car valet parked and maybe even your grass cut, but the world economy would collapse.

Back to the Trenches….

Greetings, loyal minoins. Your Maximum Leader reads in the Washington Post that Major League Baseball is moving closer to awarding ownership of the Washington Nationals to the group lead by Ted Lerner. This move might be hastened along by the statements of DC Council Members Marion (”The bitch set me up” Barry and Vincent (I wanna be the mayor.) Orange. Barry and Orange stated that the Lerner group was “renting blacks” to further their ownship bid.

Apparently the comment isn’t having the intended affect…

Well… Allow your Maximum Leader to restate… If the intended effect of Councilmen Barry and Orange’s comment was to strengthen the resolve of MLB (aka Bud Selig) to award the team to the Lerners; then the statement is working as planned. If however the intended effect of the statement by Barry and Orange was to push Bud Selig nto giving more consideration to other groups with “significant” minority representation; then the statement didn’t work too well.

Frankly, your Maximum Leader is a supporter of the Lerner group. But more importantly, your Maximum Leader wants to see the team get owners as soon as possible. Your Maximum Leader is a thoughtful deliberative type, but the prevarication and delays by Bud Selig are amazing. Selig must be waiting for not just one, but mulitple burning bushes to appear and the Lord God himself give him guidance in this matter.

Bud, if you are reading this, just take the Lerner’s money and be done with it.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader asks rhetorically, “Do you know what the problem is with idiots?”

The answer: “They look just like normal people.”

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is planning a second boycott this week. On Friday. Mark your calendars.

On Friday, the Fifth of May (sometimes called Cinqco de Mayo), your Maximum Leader will lead a large protest in Mexico City (or Nuevo Laredo or Tijuana or somewhere Mexican) to show th Mexican government that it needs to treat undocumented American immigrants more fairly and not take their contribution to the Mexican economy for granted.

Your Maximum Leader anticpates bringing up topics like: how Americans perform jobs in Mexico that Mexicans will not take (like entrepreneurs, chemists, physicists, computer programmers, and hotel managers), how undocumented immigrants keep border-town pharmacies, doctor’s offices, and liquor stores afloat, how undocumented immigrants keep thousands of young, buff, tanned, cabana-boys up to their elbows in drunk co-eds who want nothing more than to be ridden hard by someone named Jose in various resort towns across the length and breadth of Mexico.

Of course the first step towards making Mexico more friendly for the average undocumented American will be to require that all government services, documents, road signs, and customer service telephone numbers be available in English. In fact, Mexicans should be required to speak English and Spanish. They should become officially bilingual (like Canada!).

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is boycotting his blog today.

Until he gets a full amnesty, citizen benefits, and the respect due him as a toiling labourer, he will continue to show his solidarity with the legions of undocumented immigrants protesting around the US today. Writing a blog isn’t easy work. If it were easy then regular Americans would want to do it. Indeed, your Maximum Leader toils on this site day after day and doesn’t recieve even minimum wage payment for his services.

Oh yes… And while your Maximum Leader is protesting he should add the following chants. Down with Bush! No blood for oil! Stop McChimpy Haliburton! Viva La Revolucion!

And, of course, (lighters out)… Freebird! Freeeeeeeebiiiiiiird!

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that Washington Post columnist Howard Kurtz is asking in his column today “Blogs: Good or Evil?”

Your Maximum Leader will not presume to speak for others, but he will vote for evil.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader wonders if he is the only person out there who thinks that all this talk on Capitol Hill about “fixing” the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is just ridiculous. It is afterall.

The various Senators who want to move FEMA out of the direct control of the Department of Homeland Security, but make the “new FEMA” head report to both the President and the Director of Homeland Security are just wrongheaded. The benefits to this (risky) scheme appear to be that FEMA would have a bigger budget and more control over its budget. Additionally it would be more autonomous and able to react faster and better.

Has anyone actually thought this out? Really now? Anybody? Because this is a bad plan thought up by a bunch of complete fools.

Let us begin with the head of the “new FEMA.” This person (a political appointee by the way) will head up the “new FEMA” and report to both the President and the Secretary of Homeland Security. This position is supposed to be “akin to the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.” Really? How so? The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff is still a military officer reporting to the Secretary of Defense. (The Pentagon org chart even says so.) So while the Chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff may also act as a military advisor to the President, he still reports to the Secretary of Defense. Also, last time he checked, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff doesn’t run his own “independent” government agency separate and apart from the Department of Defense.

So what Senator Collins and others are proposing is that the head of the “new FEMA” is accountable to, but apart from, another Cabinet official; while at the same time being of the same rank (as advisor to the President) as the Cabinet official to whom they report. Is that something only some rareified bureaucrat could think up? Or if not a bureaucrat then perhaps someone taking some hits on a crack-pipe before playing with a Viso org chart?

For those of you who like to see org charts… Here is a quick interpretation of the “new FEMA” relationship as drawn by your Maximum Leader in about 15 seconds.

Lets look at the budget question now. The above linked Washington Post article says:

The new agency would recombine disaster preparedness and response activities, reclaim power over billions of dollars of state and local grants, gain responsibility for securing critical infrastructure, and restore an emphasis on natural, as well as terrorist, threats. Those functions and approaches were dispersed or downgraded by the Bush administration as FEMA was merged into DHS.

Last time your Maximum Leader checked, Federal Budgets were written on a line-item basis. Each line specified an amount of money to a particular agency for a particular function. As FEMA is part of the Department of Homeland Security, its budget is made up of a number of line items in the overall budget of the Department of Homeland Security. Now knowing what the federal budget process is like, it is possible that a line item for something like trailers for hurricane victims is just added to the DHS budget - but not specifically placed in the FEMA part of the budget. One would suppose that the “new FEMA” would just have this lin item moved over to its budget and removed from DHS. What really is the change there? If FEMA was responsible for buying trailers for hurricane victims before, they will be again. If control of a budget is a problem, why not just specify in the existing DHS budget that certain line items are for FEMA? They can do that you know…

And here is one more point that no one seems to be discussing… Suppose, just for the sake of argument, that FEMA is being run by complete nincompoops. What good will reorganization do? If you reshuffle your idiots, you’ve still got idiots. As your Maximum Leader recalls, the big problem during Katrina appeared to be that no one was in charge. How will any of these proposed changes give clarity to the question of who will be in charge during an emergency?

Think about it. This is just about as stupid an idea as giving everyone a $100 check to offset rising gas prices…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader knows that in beautiful Albemarle County, Virginia the manure splattered Smallholder is celebrating a milestone. In that area of the great Commonwealth of Virginia where people still think of themselves as Thomas Jefferson’s neighbour, our friend the Smallholder has turned one year older today.

We haven’t been blessed with his (squishy) centrist musings recently. But deep down all readers of this space know that they are longing for a lengthy post extolling the virtues of clean farm living, hogs, breeding dairy cows, and - of course - toad sexing.

Who knows… Today might be the day that the Smallholder breaks his self-imposed (or should we say - farm-imposed) silence. Then again, this might be just another day spent educating the youth of Viriginia followed by and afternoon of mending fences, feeding hogs, moving cows from one paddock to another, or enjoying view from the front porch with a beer and reflecting on how good his life is.

Happy Birthday Mark.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader went to the Nationals v Reds game yesterday has he mentioned. All your Maximum Leader can say about the game is that it wasn’t pretty… Unless you’re a Reds fan.

As much as your Maximum Leader attempted to direct his powerful personal ju ju towards the Nationals dugout… It was to no avail. At one point your Maximum Leader swore he heard the spectre of RFK himself yelling out “Get a life and… aaah… an ownah you… aaah… bums!”

Speaking of owners for the Nationals… Your Maximum Leader hopes the Lerner Group gets the team. (And soon!) It turns out that your Maximum Leader, indirectly of course, has some connections to the Lerner Group. These connections might translate into a game in the owners box (very infrequently) or at least dibs on some good season ticket seats.

But MLB - the bastards - aren’t in a rush to sell the team. (And your Maximum Leader says again about Bud Selig and MLB: “Bastards!”)

Anyho…

The game experience was marred by a concessions incident. It seems as though ever time your Maximum Leader goes to a Nats game there is a concessions incident. This time your Maximum Leader went to a concessionaire to buy two cokes and two hotdogs (one for your Maximum Leader and one for Villainette #2 - whom he’d taken out of school for a day at the ballpark). The concessionaire said that the hot dogs would be ready “In a minute.” Your Maximum Leader asked “They aren’t ready now?” They were not. The concessionaire said they would be ready in “less than a minute.” Well… 15 minutes later your Maximum Leader got his friggin hot dogs. Your Maximum Leader was greatly angered. It took every measure of self-control he had to keep from maiming some people.

Your Maximum Leader had hoped that they would have figured out how to sell hot dogs after one season… Apparently not…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is shaping up for a big sports day… At least to him.

He reads on ESPN that Brett Favre is going to return to the Packers and the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field for one more season as Quarterback.

This news is both pleasing and disappointing. The Packers Fan in your Maximum Leader is grateful to have a legend play for one more season. Even when he stinks Favre is an exciting player to watch and can single-handedly turn games around (for better or worse). So, as an emotional Packers Fan, your Maximum Leader is pleased.

But as a rational fan of the game your Maximum Leader knows that Favre should probably retire. He is not playing for records. He is not going to win a championship. And one hopes that he isn’t playing for the cash. At best he should consider accepting a cut in pay and “platooning” the starter job with another QB. He should help build the future of a franchise. Your Maximum Leader hopes it would be the Packers, but it could be some other team.

In the end, your Maximum Leader will abandon his rationality in this matter and just enjoy Favre’s last season.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is busy now trying to get all of his business attended to in a few hours so that he can go to the Nationals v Red Stockings game today at 1:05. It is too bad that the weather today is not a glorious as it was yesterday. Damn, yesterday was a perfect day for a baseball game.

Now your Maximum Leader can hope that the Nats can raise their record to 2-6 at home…

This is the first (non-weekend) day game your Mximum Leader has attended in a long time. In fact he believes the last (non-weekend) day game your Maximum Leader attended was a Cubs v. Cardinals game at Wrigley Field in Chicago. In 1999. So it has been a while.

Your Maximum Leader hopes all his minions will think of him as he’s enjoying a day at the olde ballpark…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has an acquaintance who is on a quest. This young, attractive and smart woman has been challenged by your Maximum Leader. He has challenged her to find this blog. She does not know your Maximum Leader’s blog persona and was given the most meagre hints to help her find this site. If she finds it by Friday she gets a case of premium North American bottled beer* and a Naked Villainy T-shirt.

If she doesn’t find it… Well… We didn’t work that part out, but it likely involves swearing fealty to your Maximum Leader and foresaking all others besides him.

Carry on.
(more…)

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, like Robert the Llamabutcher, would be a Schoolmaster, Farmer, Bank clerk, Army officer, Clergyman, or Book keeper had he been born in 1905.

See what you would have been.

After scrolling through the possible answers, your Maximum Leader was both amused and filled with a bit of melancholy at how life turns out for most of the men. If you read them all you find that if you were a man born in Britain in 1905 your life was likely going to end at: Ypres, Jutland, Passchendaele, or Gallipolli. Frankly your Maximum Leader was a little surprised they didn’t list the Somne as a possible end. Your Maximum Leaer gets depressed when he contemplates the slaughter of the Great War.

NB: No surprises that our friend Lord Basil Seal turned out the way he did.

Also, thanks to Lord Seal, your Maximum Leader discovers that he is only 87% snob. His result reads:

Close but no Cohiba rolled on the thighs of Cuban virgins, Maximum Leader. You are 87% Snob. If your blood was a touch bluer, your pool a shade bigger, and your settee a chaise lounge, you could be up there with the ultra snobs. Meanwhile be grateful you’re not.

Sad. Your Maximum Leader was hoping to break at least 90%. Perhaps it was that question about his son marrying a stripper…

NB (2) - In the Mike World Order all of your Maximum Leader’s cigars will be Cubans rolled on the nubile thighs of Cuban virgins…

Carry on.