Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is glad to be back in the dark foreboding confines of the Villainschloss. After a week away it is a relief to be back with the lovely Mrs. Villain, the Villainettes, and the wee Villain. It is a relief in so many ways, not the least of which is how much better he is sleeping. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t sleep well in most hotels. The mattresses are soft and the pillows inconsequential. At the Villainschloss the mattresses are firm, the pillows firm, and the water pressure in the showers resemble that of a power-washer.

But your Maximum Leader digresses…

Indeed, if you are looking for reasonable accommodation in Toronto, Canada you may choose to stay at the Delta Chelsea Hotel. It is nicer than most hotels, but not as nice as others. In point of fact your Maximum Leader has always taken a shine to Hiltons. Hiltons are ubiquitous enough to be everywhere your Maximum Leader needs to go. They are accommodating enough to meet his needs. And Hiltons generally are at an acceptable price-point for travel.

The Delta Chelsea in Toronto didn’t strike your Maximum Leader as being quite as nice as the better Hiltons, but surely as good as your better Sheratons. Indeed, before going to Toronto some of the more “jet-set” people with whom your Maximum Leader is acquainted informed him that he needed to stay at the Ritz-Carlton in the Yorkville District of Toronto. Your Maximum Leader had to turn tables on them and inform them that the last time he was in Toronto he stayed at the Royal York. The consensus among the “jet-set” was that the Royal York was the better hotel, but that the Ritz was nearer to the best shopping and dining.

But your Maximum Leader digresses again…

It had been a long while since your Maximum Leader had visited Toronto. He had forgotten how much he actually likes Toronto. All the big city attractions and culture you need, with fewer homeless people, less trash, and minimal crime. Indeed, on the list of great North American cities, Toronto is rather highly rated by your Maximum Leader.

Your Maximum Leader will not bore you all with the details of why he was in Toronto. It should suffice to say that he was there to further his ever expanding plots that will culminae in the establishment of the Mike World Order.

But your Maximum Leader will share with you all a few highlights of his trip.

First, his anger towards the National Hockey League has abated. He watched a lot of hockey in the evenings before retiring; and he was able to go to the Hockey Hall of Fame. The love of Canadians for hockey (their national sport) did much to rekindle the love of hockey that your Maximum Leader has had since his youth. So that is a good thing. The Hockey Hall of Fame is great. But it was somewhat smaller than he remembered. And once the expansion of the Baseball Hall of Fame is completed, Cooperstown will once again reign supreme in the Halls of Fame category of tourist attraction.

Secondly, the shopping in Toronto is actually quite good. With the strong US dollar he was able to make a few nice purchases for Mrs. Villain and the Villainettes while away.

Third, your Maximum Leader’s animosity towards the US airline industry has grown. Never before in the history of the service sector was so much extorted from so many for so little tangible comfort. Your Maximum Leader has made a note to himself to bring his own liquor and fine food on the flight with him.

Fourth, your Maximum Leader was able to pick up the latest Cowboy Junkies album. It is entitled “21st Century Blues.” Unfortunately, most of the album consists of covers of anti-war Bruce Springsteen and John Lennon songs. Not the sorrowful, yet compelling, stories of humanity that are the songs written by Michael Timmins. All the songs are well produced and movingly performed. Margo Timmins is still on the list of the sexiest women in the universe as far as your Maximum Leader is concerned. And your Maximum Leader must admit that the cover of “One” by U2 is very very good.

But the real highlight of the trip was meeting Skippy…

Your Maximum Leader feared, for reasons that need not be discussed here, that he might not get to meet Skippy at all. Skippy is a busy man. Your Maximum Leader is a busy man. Schedules didn’t coincide… It was a touch and go thing.

But once your Maximum Leader determines he is going to do something, he does it. So in anticipation of meeting with Skippy your Maximum Leader thought it might be a propos if he bought a little gift of greetings for Skippy. Afterall, your Maximum Leader was a guest in Skippy’s nation.

So, the first component of the gift was hardly a gift at all. Your Maximum Leader had fallen a little behind on his reading of National Review. So he brought the two most recent editions with him on the trip. Normally, your Maximum Leader, when he travels, brings along old National Reviews and leaves them conspicuously in public places. He does this in the hopes that some fellow traveler will be wanting reading material, pick up the National Review, and be converted to the Dark Side. In a way this is something of a public service in your Maximum Leader’s opinion.

On this trip it seemed appropriate to give these two copies of National Review to Skippy (given his love of American politics).

But two old (and pre-read) copies of National Review were hardly a gift. So something else had to be added to the mix. Something that Skippy would like and would actually use (in some way).

Being the avid reader of Skippy’s page that he is, your Maximum Leader knew that only one gift would do the trick. That gift is the gift that keeps on giving over and over again. Namely pornography.

To read the tale click through below the fold… Otherwise…

Carry on.

Now your Maximum Leader had heard that there was a particular section of Yonge Street in downtown Toronto which was well known as being the home of many small stores in which haggling was perfectly acceptable. It was in this district that your Maximum Leader sought out a purveyor of porn.

The first stop on his porn-trek took him to a store that sold DVDs and sex toys. It appeared to be run by a rather butch lesbian. She was friendly enough, butnot much of a haggler. Your Maximum Leader knew he had to do better.

Luckily for him just a few doors down was a shop that sold only porn DVDs, and it was run by Arabs. Now, your Maximum Leader was a little taken back by this at first. He knew that in America many businesses had welcomed Arab immigrants. But the porn business still seemed to be dominated by Americans of a northern European extraction. Not so in Canada apparently. And, if your Maximum Leader may engage in a little more stereotyping, Arabs (even those damned to hell for participating in the evil porn industry) love to haggle.

The sign next to the register indicated that the store proprietor was running a special. Buy any two DVDs for 19.00 dollars (Canadian) or more and get a third free. Now, please don’t get your Maximum Leader wrong. He wanted to get a nice gift for Skippy and all. But three porn DVDs seemed a bit excessive. (Although, upon reflection can porn really be excessive?)

So your Maximum Leader picked out two DVDs which he thought Skippy might like. He took them to the register. The Arab proprietor said that if your Maximum Leader wanted, he could get a third free. Your Maximum Leader responded that he didn’t want a third, but instead wanted a buy one get one free deal. The Arab man harrumphed and said absolutely not. Buy two, get third free. Your Maximum Leader said that owing to the poor range of new titles available and how remarkably overpriced they were a two for one deal seemed more appropriate. (By the way, poor range of titles was a bald-faced lie. The story had thousands of DVD titles. Your Maximum Leader was just a bit reluctant to reach into various bins to check out what might be available…) The Arab man said that rather that he would knock 25% off the price of the DVDs, but that your Maximum Leader would still have to buy two to get the free one. Your Maximum Leader rejoined the bidding and said that he would pay 25% off the price of one and still get the second free.

At this point the Arab man knew that your Maximum Leader was not to be trifled with. Your Maximum Leader struck out from a single position, then when offered something new appended the favourable part of the new offer to his original position and kept moving ahead. The Arab man took a long look at your Maximum Leader and said he’d take 40% off the price, but it was still a buy two arrangement. Your Maximum Leader said “no dice” and stuck with 25% off one and a second free. The Arab man rejected this position and started saying something in Arabic to your Maximum Leader. Whereupon your Maximum Leader put the two DVDs on the counter, shrugged his shoulders and mentioned that he thought the lesbian up the street would do a better deal. At hearing that he was being played against the lesbian with the sex-toy shop the attitude of the Arab man changed. The Arab man scratched at his stubble and said something in Arabic that your Maximum Leader guesses to mean “you’re a lousy son-of-a-bitch, but I’d best sell you something.” At that point the Arab man gave in on the central point. One DVD full price and a second free. Your Maximum Leader held out; one at 25% off and one free. The Arab man grimaced and relented. And so Skippy got a whole bunch ‘o porn, and your Maximum Leader - for the first time in his life - haggled for porn.

That is a win-win if ever your Maximum Leader has heard of such a thing.

So, now that he had a gift it was just a matter of presentation. Eventually, Skippy and your Maximum Leader did meet. Skippy was a bit taller than your Maximum Leader expected. But, in a strange way, Skippy was a rather charming fellow.

Skippy and your Maximum Leader conversed on a wide variety of subjects. They ranged from the US/Canada softwood lumber dispute, to the Miers nomination, to why George W. Bush is no conservative, to why sex with virgins is not all its cracked up to be, to why Skippy loves Karla Homolka, to student-run disciplinary councils at Southern US colleges, to blogging.

Your Maximum Leader feels he can honestl say that the “blog Skippy” seems to be the same as the “real Skippy.”

All in all, your Maximum Leader had a great time. He hopes to do it again sometime. And he hopes to have the Smallholder come along too.

Thanks for the good conversation Skippy. Your Maximum Leader appreciated it very much.

And now…

Carry on.