Deep in the bowels of Las Vegas’s swankest casinos, a new bloodsport has come into prominence. Only the richest, the most privileged, the most powerful people have even a ghost of a chance of sitting cageside. The event features two of the most vicious creatures ever to come into conflict in the history of life on this planet. They reenact a drama once played out in the Black Forest before crowds of cheering Prussians. What sport could this be?

Dwarf versus Doberman Pinscher Mortal Combat.

And who, you ask, has orchestrated this event for the past ten years?

Your Maximum Leader, the most avid dwarf-abuser of them all.

A Doberman Pinscher’s bite exerts well over three hundred pounds of pressure per square inch. A dwarf, properly goaded, can bite through jail bars. The Doberman’s main advantages: agility, a seeming immunity to pain, and the drive to rip out the opponent’s throat. The dwarf’s main advantages? A specialized version of jujitsu crafted by Japanese dwarves centuries ago to deal with dog attacks… and a very short neck.

Martial dwarf versus mad Doberman: who will win?

I’d give anything to be cageside for the main event: a long-awaited match between über-dwarf Ball Scar and the terrifying, dwarf-slaughtering Doberman known only as Lilly. Perhaps our Maximum Leader will return from Vegas with photos of the latest “Extreme Dwarferman,” but we know his personal rule is “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” The masses can only stand and wait with bated breasts. Pray for pictures.

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