The Maximum Leader has told us about his fancy ball.

I did in fact call him this weekend to ask how it went, but kept missing a connection.

I had assumed that a female reader had volunteered to replace Mrs. Villain since Mike didn’t call me and ask me to be his date. I was glad since I no longer look good in my cocktail dresses.

The Maximum Leader also treated us to this insight:

Your Maximum Leader does not want to sound too curmudgeonly, but he doesn’t really like holiday parties. He is not sure why. It has always been problematic for him. Perhaps he sees them as craven attempts to get together with people you only meet with once-a-year so that you can refresh your friendship. Perhaps he sees them as another step in the over commercialization of the Christmas holiday. Perhaps he doesn’t like getting all nicely dressed up and trudging through snow and ice to visit people. (All those damn dry-cleaning bills.) Your Maximum Leader loves Fourth of July parties, but Christmas (aka: “Holiday”) parties he can do without.

Your humble Minister of Agriculture believes that the real reason behind the Maximum Leader’s dislike of Christmas festivities is that he was horribly scarred by a date with a future runner-up in the Miss America pageant.

Staright dope.

The Maximum Leader once had a date with a woman judged to be the second most attractive female in America.

It seems she needed a polite, presentable date to show off at her father’s holiday party. Mike was a most sublime escort, fullfilling his small-talk duties with deboniar charm and erudite wit. And what did he get for hours of small talk and olite attention to his date?

Zilch.

Not even a sympathy kiss.

I for one, and I know I am joined by the legions of the Maximum Leader’s minions, believe that she should be first against the wall when the revolution comes.

To snub our dear leader in such a heartless fashion!

He is obviously so emotionally scarred that he still cannot enjoy himself at the end of December.

Speaking of attractive women from the past, the Maximum Leader has been bashing Smallholderfrauleins.

In my defense, I was enamored of Miss Anderson from her Lablatts Blue days. I found her decreasingly attractive with each successive plastic surgery. She is a parody of herself now and it is just sad.

And I will have to admit, Miss Pressly is starting to look “rode hard and put away wet,” but she still has a cool southern accent.

So laugh if you must.

At least I never went out with a Vanilla Ice Backup Dancer. Like some people who shouldn’t be throwing stones when they live in glass houses.

Just sayin’.