I feel that I must respond to the scurrilous libel being slung by the Maximum Leader.

I am sure that loyal minions of Naked Villainy have come to see how very proper and cultured their beloved Smallholder is.

And they knew instinctively that the phrase “Would you like to test fly the button fly?” would never cross these proper and cultured lips.

The Maximum Leader must be maliciously conflating me with one of his drunken carousing college buddies.

And in that drunken carousing buddy’s defense, it wasn’t his fault.

Said drunken carousing buddy was verily provoked by his roommate and his roommate’s girlfriend who demanded that he try to find, um, company after midnight.

Said drunken carousing buddy replied testily, “What am I supposed to say? ‘Hey baby, would you like to test fly the button fly?”

This sent the roommate and the roommate’s girlfriend into fits of hysterical laughter. They then looked up and dialed the number of a girl with whom the drunken carousing buddy occasionally danced.

Drunken carousing buddy, succumbing to the iniquitous double-dog dare, took the phone and uttered perhaps the worst pick-up line in history, assuming the girl would laugh and tell him to go take a long walk off a short pier.

Imagine the drunken carousing buddy’s shock when the girl replied that she would be right over.

Said drunken buddy, thinking the night’s festivities were all in fun, was mightily chagrined when dancing girl began sending him love poetry. He felt like a heel.

So you see, it wasn’t really the drunken carousing buddy’s fault.

Plus, he felt bad.

Perhaps unfairly.

I mean, really.

Was he supposed to be rude?

Hang up the phone?

Turn the girl away when she knocked on the door?

And, seriously, this drinking buddy was only nineteen. He hadn’t yet fully developed his moral compass.

Nevertheless, I am shocked - yes, shocked! - to see that the Maximum Leader has tried to pin this sordid episode on his Minister of Agriculture.

But I am sure that my proper and cultured reputation will result in this slur boomeranging back on Mike. Our loyal minions are surely asking themselves, “seles, why are we the loyal minions of a despot who once associated with depraved, drunken carousers? A leader who tries to smear the reputation of a good and decent man?”

Shame on you, Mike.