Okay, a little late, I know, but I finally saw Star Wars III last night.

Spoiler alert: It sucked.

Everyone reviewing this movie has been brainwashed by the magic of low expectations. “Better than the first two” is not a ringing endorsement, particularly when the first two were the lowest pieces of sequel crap foisted upon an eager public since ‘Highlander: The Quickening.” Nevermind the dialogue, which of course is bad. The action sequences and overall plot don’t make a lick of sense.

Sure, everything is left “just right” for the real Star Wars, “A New Hope” — but where’s the challenge in that? George Lucas probably stuck episode IV in the DVD player and took notes. And while every other transition suggests a great deal of action and plot development between movies, everything between episodes III and IV is set up and left in the freezer, nevermind that it’s at least 16 years between the two movies. I wanted to cry seeing how eager Lucas was to zip the movies up so tight. Is it really necessary for us to melt the Emperor’s face so he looks now the way he’s going to look in ‘Return of the Jedi?’ C’mon now!

Additionally, I just don’t believe a single element of the transition. Obi Wan drops Luke off and just disappears into the desert? Yoda, the greatest fighter and leader the Jedi’s have ever known, goes into hiding for almost two decades on the off-chance that this little kid, abandoned on a desert planet, is going to come around again and save everyone? What a couple of assholes.

And Chewbacca? WTF?!! Why is he even in this movie? I’m surprised Luke and Han weren’t playmates in the nursery.

George Lucas may be rich, but his movies suck. I told better stories with my action figures when I was ten. Seriously.

Believe.