Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that Stanley “Tookie” Williams was executed last night. Your Maximum Leader isn’t shedding any tears over the state’s actions in this case. Indeed, your Maximum Leader is glad that California is starting to kill some of the people they have on death row.

And now that Stanley “Tookie” Williams is gone your Maximum Leader wonders… Does this mean that the nickname “Tookie” is back “on the market” and available for others to use? Because if that is the case your Maximum Leader thinks he’s going to start referring to the Smallholder as “Tookie.” Or perhaps he’ll use some “Tookie” variant. Like calling Smallholder “Lil’ Took” or “Took holder” or “Holstein-shizzle.”

Your Maximum Leader will see the right glove when it fits…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, during his absence, was “tagged” for a meme by the enchanting Princess Cat. (And, by the way, your Maximum Leader knows Cat to be enchanting as he had the pleasure of spending a evening in her company…) Living according to the maxim of “better late than never” here are five “wierd” habits of your Maximum Leader…

1 - The “two towels” habit. Your Maximum Leader, when emerging from a shower, bath, swim, jaunt in the ocean - whatever, must always have two towels. One is for use about the head and shoulders, the second for the rest of the body. The two towels, at the Villainschloss, are different from each other in size and texture as well. The first towel (the head/shoulders one) is of a “standard large” towel size. The second towel is a very very large size. In fact, it is about 6.5 feet long. Very suitable for wrapping around your Maximum Leader’s impressive girth in fact…

2 - Food Pt 1. Your Maximum Leader never eats seafood at a place that is more than 4 hours drive from a major body of water. Many people think that this little habit has to do with a concern your Maximum Leader has with the freshness of seafood. If you read that habit and thought that you would be wrong. It has nothing to do with freshness. Indeed your Maximum Leader knows that most seafood is caught and flash frozen aboard the fishing vessel then shipped… The habit has to do with skill of preparation. Your Maximum Leader has found that at most regular eating establishments that are more than 4 hours drive from a major body of water the cooks have little to no experience in preparing seafood.

3 - Food Pt 2. Your Maximum Leader will not order the same entree as another person in the party with which he is dining. This is to say that if your Maximum Leader were dining with 6 people he would not order any of the entrees the other six people ordered. Indeed, your Maximum Leader has ordered items he didn’t particularly like to abide by this habit. Your Maximum Leader has called servers back to the table and changed his order to assure that he didn’t get the same thing as someone else. (Senario goes like this: ML: “I’ll have the Beef Wellington for dinner.” Person 1: “Oh wow! I didn’t see that. That looks good. Mr/Ms Server? Please change my order to that.” ML: “On second thought I’ll have the chicken pot pie…”) Indeed, your Maximum Leader is quite anal about this. About the only exception is chef’s tasting menus.

4 - Bedsheets Pt 1. Your Maximum Leader only sleeps on cotton sheets with a stitch count exceeding 400. In point of fact most of his bedsheets are 500 or more. Much much more.

5 - Bedsheets Pt 2. Your Maximum Leader before sleeping on new cotton bedsheets, with a stitch count of 400 or more, must have them laundered. And laundered in a particular way. First they must be placed in a washing machine by themselves. (This is all the new sheets and pillow cases together.) They will be washed with a hot wash and warm rinse cycle. Then the sheets will be dried in the dryer. Then the sheets go back into the washing machine (by themselves) for a warm wash/warm rinse cycle. Then the sheets are dried in the dryer. Then the sheets go back into the washing machine (and this time other items of similar colour may be washed alon with the bedsheets) for either a warm wash/cold rinse cycle (or sometimes a cold/cold cycle). The sheets will then be dried in the dryer, ironed, and put in the linen closet.

There you have it. 5 things. Your Maximum Leader hopes Cat enjoys reading these. Your Maximum Leader also hopes that they aren’t enough to keep Cat from ever wanting to meet up with your (and her) Maximum Leader ever again.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is sure that many of you out there were waiting for those words to be written. Well there they are. Your Maximum Leader is back at the Villainschloss and all is right in the world.

Well… Everything except this blog… It seems as though even though they were warned that your Maximum Leader wouldn’t be around, the other bloggers here decided to pass up the opportunity to write One Word Film Reviews, Gun Posts, or lengthy treatises on agriculture. It is sad really. Given the keys to the Kingdom and what happens? Nuthin. This, dear minions, is the reason that it is the Mike World Order and your Maximum Leader will be in charge. If given the choice between establishing a world order or sittin’ around doin’ nuthin’ they would choose… Nuthin’.

So, where to begin…

Your Maximum Leader had a great time away for the most part. He’ll not bore you all with the cumbersome details, but allow him to give his completely unlimited endorsement of the Nemacolin Woodlands Resort and Spa. What a great place. Your Maximum Leader partook of world-class dining, private exercise classes, luxury accomodations, and - most of all - shooting.

Yes… Shooting. Your Maximum Leader spent an afternoon at the (world famous) Nemacolin Shooting Academy. He went out and shot at sporting clays with a brand new Browning Citori 525 Golden Clays model. He shot at 100 targets at about 20 different stations. (He only hit about 30 - in case you were wondering.) It had been about 10 years since your Maximum Leader had gone shooting with a shotgun. (And the last time was a charity trap shoot in fact…) It was a treat for him. His accuracy improved as the afternoon progressed (as one would hope it would). Although he made improvements, your Maximum Leader was greatly distressed at his inability to “pick up” many of the clay pigeons. He found those pigeons that came out of a thicket, at a distance, and didn’t break towards him were the hardest to see. It was somewhat distressing. He thinks a combination of age, lack of practice, and the size of his glasses were all contributing factors. Probably practice and size of glasses being the largest.

By the way… If any particularly generous minion out there has lots of cash and wants to get on your Maximum Leader’s good side… Someone could go and buy him a shotgun.

Your Maximum Leader will to return to Nemacolin (with Mrs. Villain this time) this spring. On a second visit he may partake of more shooting clays and the Hummer Driving school. Also when he returns he will go to Aqueous. Aqueous was highly recommended; but your Maximum Leader just didn’t have the time.

He did partake of Lautrec’s however; where he got a tasting menu. He had the: Bay Scallops w/caviar (a little too salty), the Lobster soup (quite good, mild and captured without overpowering, the taste of lobster), Squab w/Foie Gras (normally not a big squab fan, but this dish was very enjoyable - probably more a case of the main ingredient being improved by the supporting cast), and the Duet of Beef (which was excellent). He finished off with a special chocolate raspberry creme brulee (which was good - but a little too chocolate-y for your Maximum Leader).

In addition to Lautrec’s he also ate at the Golden Trout and 30 East Main. Both of which were excellent, but with a more conventional menu. Indeed the “comfort food” on the menu at 30 East Main was great. (Your Maximum Leader had suffed cabbage. Quite yummy.)

So… Let it no suffice to say that he enjoyed himself very much… But for as much as he enjoyed himself, it didn’t beat returning to the Villainschloss and the arms of his awaiting wife and children.

Carry on.

Divulging the real life identities of fellow bloggers violates the blogsphere’s norms.

I’m sure that all of our fellow bloggers will join me in condemning Sadie’s outing of the Minister of Propaganda’s identity. As a person working in the chummy atmosphere of Hollywood, he did not want to reveal his real name.

Now, I understand that Sadie may have felt she had tacit permission for her unmasking when the MoP reacted to my inclusion of him in a poll by making a Sadie v. Smallholder poll. Good people may look at the facts and disagree.

But comparing the MoP to Tom Cruise? That just crosses the line.

Sixty Eight Clean Gene
No light at the tunnel’s end
Quitter LBJ

Hippy candidate
Defeated by Kennedy
Dies at 88

Flavor of tear gas
The Chicago Convention
Humphrey Not Eugene

Create your own haiku in the comments.

For the Ladies:

Foreign Minister or the Minister of Propaganda? Defend your answer.

For the Gentlemen:

Princess Sadie or Smallholder? No explanation necessary.

Believe.

We discussed Leni Riefenstahl a while back here at Naked Villainy. She is now discussed at the Volokh Conspiracy in relation to the Foreign Minister’s favorite mom, Cindy Sheehan. The comments thread wandered and I had to respond to Lawbot 2000. Check it out - scroll through the comments and try to guess what your humble Smallholder said Lawbot before you read my post. Am I predictable?

Just so you won’t feel left out:

Aragorn or Legolas? Defend your answer.

One random pool-playing animadiversion was discussing who one would choose to date/marry if one had to choose from among the island castaways.

Foget that.

Arwen or Eowyn?

Defend your answer.

This blog appears to be gasping for air.

I’d like to apply blog CPR by posting insightful commentary.

But I’ve got nothing.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has a few quick announcements to deliver this morning…

First and foremost… You must all go and vote. Yes, vote. Go and vote for the 2005 Weblog awards. This annual ritual wherein the “blogosphere” conducts non-scientific polling with the unintentional affect of hurting some other blogger’s feelings has begun. Your Maximum Leader (who strangely was not nominated for anything) has a few recommendations for his minions.

In the “Best Humor/Comic” blog category you must - MUST - go and vote for the Hatemongers. For Gawd’s sake, your Maximum Leader is an honourary Hatemonger… It is your DESTINY to vote for the Hatemongers.

In the “Best Culture/Gossip” blog category you must - MUST - go and vote our friends the Llamabutchers. If you don’t Robbo might be forced to do all Bach-blogging all the time. (And the LMC will never get to do “Flash in the Pan” babes again!) UPDATE: You can also vote in good conscience for Jeff at Beautiful Atrocities. That is a toughie actually. Indeed, if you have multiple computers vote for the Llamas on one and Jeff on the other…

And in the “Best Conservative” blgo category you must - YES MUST - go and vote for Loyal Minion Rusty Shackelford (and his minions) at the Jawa Report. If you do not, the terrorists have won.

Your Maximum Leader will make no other endorsements (unless he feels like it). Until informed otherwise, you are free to vote you conscience. Remember you can vote once a day. And if you are lucky enough to own multiple computers, you should vote from each multiple times per day.

In the “other announcements” category… Your Maximum Leader completely forgot he has a trip scheduled for this week. He is going off to the wilds of western Pennsylvania for a few days. During that time his access to the internet will be scetchy at best. So he will have to hope for a repeat of yesterday when his loyal ministers took up the slack and spent the day taunting each other.

Carry on.

But why guess when we can settle this once and for all?

Incidentally, my result was “Legolas,” although I specifically said I did not have pointy ears.

Believe.

A group of leaders say they are on your side. They claim to be ready to fight Sauron, or bring honesty and integrity back to government.

Then it turns out that they are really doing just the opposite. The Republicans aren’t doing anything the Democrats haven’t done.

They are just more competent at being corrupt.

Booya! Who’s Sauraman now, Foreign Minister?

My humble pie post for for the Minister of Propaganda seems to have generated some heat. I do want to take a moment to take on a critique from loyal minion Brian.

Brian writes, in defense of the Texas Plan,

“According to the article, the people who wrote the redistricting plan knew that certain people in the justice department BELIEVED the plan to be illegal. They obviously disagreed and thought there was at least a fighting chance that it WASN’T illegal, and the fact that the courts have ruled in their favor would seem to justify that belief.”

It wasn’t certain people. It was ALL the people. ALL the Republican-appointed people. ALL the lawyers. ALL the people whose job is was to examine and understand the law. On what basis would the political hacks believe their understanding of the law was better than DOJ’s best lawyers?

And perhaps they did it anyway since it would give them a tactical advantage. If the court overturns the plan, they would still get a couple election cycles out of it.

This is all making me nostalgic for Rostenkowski.

But I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.

I have been opposed to this war since the beginning. Not because I’m anti-military or even anti-war for that matter, but because this war was started for the wrong reasons against the wrong enemy, and no good will come of it.

I defy anyone to say that my continued and vocal adherence to this opinion is “undermining the war effort.” This administration has unrepentedly conducted the domestic front of this “war effort” with intimidation and fear, consistently characterizing dissenting voices as unpatriotic. As most recently illustrated, when Rep. Murtha (D-Pa) called for withdrawal from Iraq, this administration — rather than allow for honest examination and open discussion of the actions we’ve taken and the direction we’re going as a nation — accused him of being an “ultraliberal” and attacked his character (nevermind their later backtracking). Now that’s bullshit for the sake of “political expediency.”

Before this turns into another pissing contest between my good friend the Foreign Minister and your ever-instigating and ever-undermining Minister of Propaganda, I offer to defuse my point with a humorous illustration.

I’m back from Utah, by the way, if anybody missed me.

Believe.