Vie the Volokh Conspiracy, I found Roy Zimmerman’s site. Being a squishy centrist, I don’t agree with most of his political-oriented rants, but I found his song “Falwell’s God” to be amusing:

Jerry Falwell’s God
words and music by Roy Zimmerman
© 2004
(From “Homeland”)

Jerry Falwell’s god was standing by the elevator while we were talking about the party, so we had to invite him.

Secretly, we were all wishing that he wouldn’t come, because he’s vengeful and jealous and he tends to smite people.

And, of course, he knew we were thinking that, so it made him all the more determined to show up and punish us.

And I wanted to invite my god, but I couldn’t find him.

But, Jerry Falwell’s god is hard to miss… the gossamer robe and the beard down to here, and the button that says, “What would Jesus do?”

And sure enough, day of the party, there he was at the door.

And he spoke, spaketh he, saying, “I AM COME.”

And I knew there was a joke there… but Jerry Falwell’s god will not be mocked.

So I said, “Come in.”

Jerry Falwell’s god
Jerry Falwell’s god
Huh!

Now, I’m no heavenly host, but I throw a decent party, and there were people of all kinds there ‚Äö?Ñ?Æ black, white, Swedish, Norwegian, the whole human spectrum.

And right away, Jerry Falwell’s god found the two people who would listen to him and began spaking in a voice so loud, it made the Beastie Boys sound like the Vienna Boys Choir.

And he made the lame to walk.

And these were my friends, so they were still lame, but they could walk.

And he turned the loaves to fishes, and the Oreos to Hydrox.

And he divided up the room, divided he, saying “Gays here, lesbians here, pagans here, abortionists, feminists, civil libertarians, People for the American Way,” and frankly, some of us did not know where to stand.

I went with the lesbians.

Jerry Falwell’s god
Jerry Falwell’s god
Huh!

And he pointed his huge finger at each group in turn, saying, “I blame you, and you, and you, who have secularized society and cast me out of the town square,” and I thought, “Man you are the town square.”

He said, “Lo, I have lifted the Veil of Protection, for the end days are here, and the judgment is nigh, where I will draw the faithful to heaven and will leave the unrepentant to walk a desolate earth.” And I thought, “More polyester for the rest of us.”

And he spat fire, and he rained toads, and he brought forth seven bowls of seven plagues, and finally I just said, “Look, I’ll tell you one thing Jesus would not do.

Jesus would not wreck a guy’s party.

And Jesus would not preach hate.

And Jesus would not stand in the rubble and say, ‘I told you so.’

And Jesus would not use an international catastrophe to score points for some misogynistic, narrow, homophobic, anti-Semitic interpretation of his life and teaching.

And if people are jealous and judgmental and vengeful and violent, maybe it’s because you made them in your image.

And if people have cast you out of the town square, maybe it’s because you are a finger-pointing, moralizing, rageaholic, stone drag who gives deities a bad name!

And if people have turned away from your word, maybe it’s because you have spinach in your teeth!”

And he smote me.

Jerry Falwell’s god
Jerry Falwell’s god
Huh!

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is many things the good Smallholder is not. One of those things is a shameless promoter. (And he’ll leave it to your imagination to think of the other things…)

Because he is too bashful to speak up himself allow your Maximum Leader to give the plug… The Smallholder has coming available a side of his delicious (humanely raised) petit beef. This side of beef was raised by the Smallholder himself. It was raised on milk and grass. It did not live in a factory-abbatoir. The side of beef was raised hormone & grain free.

Your Maximum Leader can speak from years of personal experience and say that the Smallholder’s beef is succulent, tender, and as close to fat-free as you can get. As the Smallholder doesn’t raise his cattle to full market size the portions are smaller than you might find in your store, but that is a plus in many ways. The cuts do not take long to cook and their size is a help to ensure you don’t over-eat. Your Maximum Leader is quite partial to grinding this meat into hamburger. It makes great burgers with minimal shrinkage during cooking.

Anyhoo… If you are interested in purchasing yourself (or with a group of your friends) a whole side of beef; and you live i the VA/DC area; then contact the Smallholder at once. His email is: smallholder - at - nakedvillainy - dot - com.

You’ll not regret your decision. Indeed, you’ll be hooked.

Carry on.

Here’s a meme for our little corner of the blogosphere:

Write a modern Aesop’s Fable with anthropomorphicized animals and a twisted, twisted moral. Extra credit for alliteration.

I’m particularly looking at the Big Hominid. I’d love to see what sick little morality plays lurk below his mischieviously malevolent monobrow. Everyone else is encouraged to participate as well. I’ll link submissions below.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is returned from a weekend “camping” with the Villainettes. As he mentioned last time, we stayed in cabins - not tents. And we stayed in a campground. But this was unlike any campground at which he’d ever stayed before. This was more like a bougoise-resort at which you “roughed it” without a hotel and spa. There was miniature golf, swimming, waterslides, paddleboats, arts & crafts. Lots of stuff for little ones to do.

Of course, your Maximum Leader spent much time looking after the Wee Villain. The Wee Villain decided to occupy himself by having his father push him in a swing. Every 20 minutes or so, the Wee Villain wanted to stop the swing and move to another swing (to change his view one supposes). All in all, your Maximum Leader must have pushed his villainous progeny in the swing for about 4 hours.

A good time was had by all. In fact, so much fun was had that Mrs Villain has declared that we shall return later in the season.

Anyhoo…

Upon his return to the Villainschloss, your Maximum Leader gave the Smallholder a call. W chatted about this and that. One of the things that came up was the potential George Allen v Mark Warner Presidential Race in 2008. Your Maximum Leader declared that in such a matchup he would vote for George Allen. No surprise there. But in a matchup of Mark Warner v Other Republicans (ie: John McCain, Bill Frist, Mitt Romney, etc) he would vote for Mark Warner. The only other possible Republican whom your Maximum Leader would favour over Mark Warner is Rudy Guliani. And that is sort of tenative support for Rudy. He could probably be swayed over to Mark Warner.

It is interesting that there was a close Allen/Warner join photo-op in the Jefferson Hotel in Richmond this weekend. But it didn’t happen. That would have been a good one.

Of course… All this is speculation now as neither man has declared for President. Allen is looking to have stiffer than expected opposition for his Senate re-election. And Warner is going to have a dickens of a time keeping himself in the public eye now that he is no longer a Governor. But these situations will just give grist to the mill of commentators…

Carry on.

Greg the Barbary ape was out of shape.

He decided that he wanted to be a studly Barbary ape so he started to work out.

After three weeks of jogging, he noticed that he was starting to slim down. The lady Barbary apes were noticing too.

One day, Greg the Barbary ape noticed a hot little Barbary ape chick checking him out at the gym. He decided to jump off the tread mill and talk to her. But he turned his left ankle and fell on his face. The hot little Barbary ape chick laughed and ran away.

Unable to work out, Greg the Barbary ape porked up like a pufferfish at Golden Corral.

When his ankle healed, Greg the Barbary ape resumed his workout regimen.

After three weeks of jogging, he noticed that he was starting to slim down. The lady Barbary apes were noticing too.

One day, while buying an exercise bike, Greg the Barbary ape notice a hot little Barbary ape chick checking him out. He decided to walk across a set of pallets to talk to her.

But the pallets gave way.

Greg the Barbary ape shattered his ankle in eleventeen places.

Unable to work out, Greg the Barbary ape porked up like a feedlot steer with a compulsive eating disorder.

One day, Greg the obese Barbary ape waddled over to the mirror and noticed that his fur was turning white.

“God is out to get me!” Cried Greg the Barbary ape. “He doesn’t want me to be a studly Barbary ape! He wants me to be a mall Santa Claus with a belly full of jelly.”

But Greg the Barbary ape decided to fight back. Through the miracle of the internet, he started a website in which he directed and acted in his own subgenre of internet entertainment: Santa porn.

God was displeased with Greg the Barbary ape. One day, while Greg was porking his “elves” like a demented weasel, God gave him an aneurism.

Greg the Barbary ape was buried in the jungle. No one ever cut the grass around his tombstone.

Moral: “Don’t fight the fat. God will strike you down.”

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader finds that most of the day has passed before he sat down to post. This is because he’s been packing. Packing up the Villainettes, the Wee Villain, Mrs. Villain, and himself for a camping trip. Well… Not really a camping trip. More a sleep-in-a-cabin-in-the-woods trip. (Which is not the same as camping you see…)

Last weekend your Maximum Leader went to the beach for the holiday. He had a great time. He was, however, distressed by the number and quality of tattoos on beachgoers. But that is a subject for another post… Generally after a weekend away, your Maximum Leader likes to have a weekend at home. But, for reasons passing understanding, Mrs Villain scheduled the Villainettes Girl Scout Troop’s camping trip for this weekend. (She is the troop leader you see.) And thus, your Maximum Leader has been getting little bits of stuff put together for the trip. You know, picking up and packing various odds and ends… The logistics of it all aren’t on the scale of Wellington supplying the Penninsular Campaign - but then again, the Iron Duke didn’t have a pack of screeching 7-10 year old girls to deal with either.

(By the way… Who the hell ever heard of taking an electric skillet on a “camping” trip? Your Maximum Leader has heard that one of the other troop moms is bringing a hair dryer and curlers as well. What in the bloody blazes is going on here? Your Maximum Leader wasn’t planning on bringing deodorant, but was planning on bringing a Fairbairn-Sykes Commando knife and a surplus USMC Entrenching tool. Just in case… NB to the Smallholder: The one time I need my Spetnaz survival machete and it is down on the farm…)

Anyho…

After reading Victor Davis Hanson’s latest essay on NRO, your Maximum Leader was feeling a bit martial. The part of the essay that got your Maximum Leader’s goat:

Al-Zarqawi knows that his terrorists without uniforms will still enjoy the de facto protections of the Geneva Convention while violating every one of its provisions. If in World War II a German partisan in civilian clothes shot an American, he was likely to be summarily executed as a terrorist; in Iraq, every shooter is out of uniform - but, when captured, will likely be sent to prison and released. Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman once marched Confederate prisoners ahead of his columns to ferret out improvised explosive devices (”torpedoes”); today for that he would land up in Fort Leavenworth.

Your Maximum Leader has been all for summarily shooting Iraqi insurgents captured while ngaged with US troops. And since Hanson mentions it, he would mind sending a Dodge Colt full of captured insurgents down a road to check for IEDs before Marines or Soliders pass through. But that type of behaviour doesn’t win hearts and minds.

Perhaps winning hearts and minds should occur after we make them so scared of us they piss themselves at the thought of a Leatherneck or GI in their vicinity…

Oh… And by the way… Have a fine weekend.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, for no particular reason, thinks you should visit some of these other fine blogs.

Skippy’s recent post on watching Chris Matthews reminds your Maximum Leader of why he does not watch Chris Matthews. (NB to Skippy: Stay out of jail now that it is pretty much illegal to smoke in Canad. If you need any smokes - let me know. Virginia is - still - a tobacco state).

Check out the Royal Navy Geekery in abudance this (Glorious) 1st of June over at the Llama Butchers. Robbo edumicates us about two (count ‘em) two battles on this date in history.

Did you know that the Beautifully Atrocious Jeff is now co-blogging with Agent Bedhead? Do you know why Dead Sexy Sadie is sooooooo dangerous? She has not only hetro-men in her thrall, but now she has gay men in her thrall too! That makes her a double threat. And no less Dead Sexy your Maximum Leader will add.

And finally… Your Maximum Leader anxiously awaits the dispensing of advice to Mr. Basil Seal from bobgirrl.

Okay… That isn’t all of this post…

Your Maximum Leader learned today that a particularly nice storefront in downtown Fredericksburg might become available soon. He learned this from a person who may have an interest in starting a restaurant/bar in the downtown area. The interested person asked your Maximum Leader for thoughts on a bar/restaurant. Your Maximum Leader suggested a late 19th Century British Club atmosphere. He further suggested that the place be called Flashman’s - after our favourate cad, Brig Gen Harry Paget Flashman (VC, et al). The menu would have a variety of beers, brandy and wines to compliment the varied victuals that would be served. Dishes might include the Gul Shah curry, the Otto Von Bismarck Ruben (with extra kraut), the Lola Montez spicy paella, the Robert E Lee Po’ Boy, and others. Alas, your Maximum Leader couldn’t think of a dish that would do our Flashy justice. Suggestions appreciated…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that DC Comics is reviving the Batwoman character. When Kathy Kane returns to Gotham she will not only be a socialite… She will be a lesbian as well.

You might think this move would shock your Maximum Leader. But it doesn’t. Your Maximum Leader, quite frankly, couldn’t care less about Batwoman’s preferences in bed. (Although, if you’ve ever read any of Dr. Rusty’s “Good Gay/Bad Gay” posts, you should know that your Maximum Leader - for esthetic reasons - prefers “good gay” to “bad gay.”)

Do you know what peeves your Maximum Leader most about the whole “new Batwoman” thing? Take a look at this photo and tell your Maximum Leader what is wrong with it.

Heels. What the hell? Your Maximum Leader knows that it is a comic book and all. But listen up DC comics artists. Your Maximum Leader can suspend his disbelief enough to accept that every woman in the DC comics world has pouty lips, a narrow waist, gravity-defying breasts, a shapely arse, firm calves, and a propensity to wear spandex. Frankly, he wants to suspend his disbelief in those areas… But he cannot believe that a superheroine would wear heels. Any heel above a typical work-boot type height at any rate. He just can’t do it.

Your Maximum Leader suggests that you artiste types rework the boots and get back to him.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader suspects that if you happen to be a right-leaning reader of this site you probably also read the Wall Street Journal’s OpinionJournal website. Your Maximum Leader rarely cites the big-time bloggers or OpinionJournal because, in most cases, he doesn’t have anything to add to what has been said. Sure he could try and pick nits, but he’ll leave that to others.

If you haven’t already, you should check out at least two articles on OpinionJournal. They are similarly themed, in your Maximum Leader’s opinion. The first is by Mike Folmer. Folmer is the former tire salesman who defeated the incumbent Republican state senate majority leader of Pennsylvania in the Republican primaries. Folmer’s success, and the success of many other challengers in Pennsylvania, is proof that (however rarely it happens) major political tumult is possible through the standard methods of nominating and electing representatives. Of course, tumult is helped along by stupid, greedy legislators. Your Maximum Leader wishes Folmer and the other Republican “insurgents” the best of luck.

The other WSJ:OJ peice is by the magnificent Peggy Noonan. She says the time is nigh for a third political party. Actually, this type of talk happens all the time. Your Maximum Leader remembers a heated discussion with a friend in grad school about the impending destruction of the Republican Party. The friend said that the Republican Party would cease to be (as we knew it then) by 2005. The break-up would occur over abortion. That discussion was had in 1993. Your Maximum Leader argued against the break-up then on the foundation of political opportunism.

The major political parties of the US have adapted, morphed, and reinvented themselves more often than Madonna (and if her current wreck of a concert tour is any indication - the Dems and Reps have been more successful). They are motivated by power and opportunism which makes their “core” beliefs shift like an arabian dune in the wind. Perhaps they don’t move too quickly, but they move nonetheless.

While your Maximum Leader would welcome a viable third party he isn’t sure it is going to happen.

Okay… Let your Maximum Leader be honest. He would welcome a serious viable right-of-center third party that had a legitimate chance of picking up some political power within 5-10 years of its founding. The party would not have much of a social platform to speak of, would be “economically/fiscally conservative,” somewhat hawkish on national defense and security issues, and in favour of freezin the growth of the Federal Government. If your Maximum Leader thought for a moment that the Federal Government could be shrunk, or certain programs or departments eliminated, he’d be all for it. But he has grown more cynical and doesn’t believe it is possible. He’d give it the olde college try - but his hopes for success are limited.

The more likely path to reform would be a nationwide shake-up of the Republican party. A shake-up similar to the one that conservatives produced between Barry Goldwater and Ronald Reagan; or the one that is occuring in Pennsylvania right now.

Speaking of Barry Goldwater… Your Maximum Leader was always fond of Goldwater. He knows that many religious conservatives grew cool on Goldwater towards the end of his time in the Senate. (A time when religious conservatives thought he’d gone “squishy” on social issues. In all honesty, Goldwater was probably more libertarian on social issues than most. It is just that social issues like abortion weren’t issues in the 60s.) But Goldwater never waned with your Maximum Leader. He and Ronald Reagan represent the best of American conservatism. At least in politics.

Anyho… If you didn’t read those pieces you should.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader had read about the hubub caused by the removal of kneelers - even the making of kneeling during the Mass a sin - in the (Roman Catholic) Diocese of Orange (California - not Ireland). Here is the LA Times article on the matter. (Thanks to the Irish Elk.)

Your Maximum Leader has attended Mass in a number of churches at which there were no kneelers. Indeed, he has knelt anyway. While a Catholic your Maximum Leader firmly sided with the Latin-Mass-speaking-kneeling crowd. Once he even knelt (without benefit of a kneeler) during a hellishly long service at the Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. He did this on a marble floor. With a sprained ankle. It wasn’t fun.

Frankly, your Maximum Leader would think that Diocean Bishops would have more to concern themselves with han the question of their flocks kneeling or not. Obviously your Maximum Leader is mistaken in this.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that there have been a number of robberies and attacks on the Mall in Washington DC. For those of you not from the Dee Cee area, or those of you from another planet, “The Mall” is the long, tree-lined expanse of green in the center of the city. The Capitol, Smithsonian, White House, and various public monuments all surround this open space.

For decades the Mall has been a crime-free area in a city riddled with crime. It was an area of the city where your Maximum Leader never thought of being attacked or victimized by criminals. Apparently no longer should that be the case.

Call your Maximum Leader heavy-handed, but he hope they find the criminals responsible. He also hopes the thugs violently resist arrest and have to be shot and killed to protect the lives of the arresting officers. Yes… It would be good if ill befalls the criminals.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that there is a photo circulating around Albert Gore’s internets that purportedly shows a duck x-ray with a strange anomaly. The photo, sure enough, looks like a duck’s x-ray. But in the area of the duck’s stomach there is a strange image that appears to be the face of a space alien.

At least this is what is being purported… Yes… The story is that a duck (an injured duck by the way - broken wing you know) ate a space alien…

For your viewing pleasure, here is the photo (courtesy of Yahoo).

Your Maximum Leader doesn’t know what to think about this image and story. But he will share a few stream-of-conciousness ideas on this subject anyho… 1) The duck probably ate some weird seed that caused the image. 2) People are stupid. 3) If the duck really did eat the space alien what should we care - afterall if the alien couldn’t defend itself from a (wounded) duck we humans have nothing to fear.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader wonders what has become of the Washington Post? The newspaper that brought you Watergate now feels the need to bring you 4 full (web-based - not print) pages explaining “Wingmen.”

As if you need to explain the concept of the Wingman? Great jeezey chreezey! Your Maximum Leader particularly liked the duty listing of the Wingman:

He must be decent-looking but not too handsome, or the lead man will end up being the wingman. He must be sociable, able to move the conversation forward or back off, depending on how the lead is doing. It helps if he can gather intelligence on the girl early in the evening, sense whether his buddy has a chance and impart that wisdom privately before the offensive starts.

Your Maximum Leader particularly liked the following line that explained that if the friends of the “target” are not that attractive then the Wingman must “throw himself on the grenade.”

Heh. Throw himself on the grenade. What an analogy. As if chatting up an unattractive girl is like saving your buddies in a foxhole…

Your Maximum Leader flew Wingman once or twice for the Smallholder. (In the days before Mrs. Smallholder of course.) The Smallholder did the same for your Maximum Leader. It is the way of men…

Of course, none of this explains why the Washington Post feels the need to make Wingmen news. It isn’t like the Wingman is a new deal. Famous Wingmen of the arts might include Petruchio and Tranio, Figaro, among others. Perhaps the article isn’t exactly a sign of the decline and impending fall of Western Civilization… Perhaps it is just a slow news day… Or not…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader reads that Arizonians may get to vote on a ballot measure in November that would cause one of their number to become a millionaire. (Or at least a Six-hundred-thousand-dollar-aire after taxes.)

If your Maximum Leader understands this correctly… Should this ballot measure pass, if you vote in Arizona in any statewide/national contest, your name will be entered into a pool. After the election, one name will be pulled from the pool and that lucky person will get $1 Million dollars out of the state’s unclaimed lottry winnings pool.

Is your Maximum Leader the only person who thinks that is a crappy idea? It is pandering to get people to do what they ought to do anyway. Frankly, if you aren’t inclined to vote in the first place your Maximum Leader does want you shuffling down to the polls with little dollar signs in your eyes. It is a bad idea.

Of course, everyone will be required to vote in the Mike World Order. But the vote will be for a huge parliament that meets continually, but does nothing… So voting will be fun!

Carry on.

Went to occasional commentor Polymath’s house where we dined on Sweet Seasons Farm pulled pork. Polymath fixed up some delicious honey-based barbeque sauce. Perhaps he’ll share the recipe in the comment section.

Odd thoughts about Memorial Day:

1) I went to Home Depot to buy supplies for my next chicken tractor. When I arrived at the counter, the saleswoman asked “Have you ever served in the military, sir?”

I was a bit taken aback - what anodd question so I answered, “yes, why?”

She brightly answered “You get a 10% discount!” She didn’t even ask for any proof.

This was a nice little perk, but I felt a bit silly since I can’t claim to have faced any danger while in the army.

I was relating this to my father, who had gone to Lowes this weekend. Lowes asked the same question, but then they clarified; only retired or active duty folks get the discount from Lowes.

Only in America. My Dad went to Korea. I played football and proofread colonels’ memorandum. I get the veteran’s discount and my dad doesn’t.

2) In the Valley down here we had “Confederate Memorial Day” on Sunday. My parents went to a ceremony. This is the type of situation where, if you plunked your humble Smallholder smack in the middle, I would get my butt well and truly kicked.

Speaker: “We are here to honor the sacrifices of our fallen grandfathers who fought nobly for the cause…”

Smallholder: “Noble? Noble? Bunch of slavery supporting sons of bitches! Your cause was evil and I’m glad you lost! Reap the whirlwind, you traitorous jackasses!”

Attendees: “A Yankee in our midst! To the lynchin’ tree!”

3) Another odd thing happened. My farmer neighbor came over and was complaining about Bush’s immigration plan, going on and on about how immigrants hurt our economy. I knew better, but the teacher in me, frustrated by his ignorance of economics, explained that immigrants, like Walmart are good for the American economy. And he actually changed his mind! It seems that very few people are willing to shift course when their assumption are shown to be fallacious. Of course, this is the sign of intelligence: Adopting a new hypothesis when the evidence disproves your previous hypothesis. Unfortunately, in a Jacksonian democracy, people being willing to adopt a new position based on new evidence are few and far between. And those of who do are often maligned as being “squishy.”