Problems with hiring “Professionals”

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader can’t find the right words to summarize his thoughts on a piece he read on the new wires. He will let the article stand without comment.

Testicle surgery mystifies police.

ST. PAUL, Minn. - When conventional medical professionals refused to remove a 62-year-old local man’s testicles, police said he turned to mysterious “professionals” to relieve what he called chronic pain.

Now police want to find the fly-by-night surgeons.

“I have never in my life seen anything quite like that,” said St. Paul police spokesman Tom Walsh.

According to a search warrant affidavit filed Monday, the man complained of chronic pain and turned to conventional medical personnel to remove his testicles.

When they refused, the 62-year-old man said he hired other “professionals” to do the surgery. He would not tell officers who they were, saying he didn’t want to get them into trouble.

Police said a couple of weeks ago, two or three people operated on the man in his home. He was unconscious. When he woke up, his testicles were gone. So were his “professionals.”

His groin area was bleeding heavily, so he called his daughter. She called for help.

Police found an improvised operating room in the man’s house, with bright lights, an apparent operating table, a camera and various medical supplies and equipment. There was also blood in several rooms of the house.

Oy!

The only thing your Maximum Leader can think to say is that if he had chronic pain in the groin, the LAST option he would consider would be surgical removal of his testes. Indeed, he would contemplate a horrid death first.

Carry on.

Flash! Aaahhh-aaahh!

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader must not watch as much tee vee on SciFi channel as he thinks. He has watched Battlestar Galactica, and will occasionally catch something else. But other than the one show, he supposes he doesn’t watch SciFi all that much.

Well imagine his surprise when he learned today, just a few short moments ago, that SciFi is launching a new series on Friday.

The series:

Flash Gordon.

It is supposedly a “dramedy.”

Your Maximum Leader will withhold judgement… But he may not be pleased if they don’t have Brian Blessed with wings.

Carry on.

Bush appointment to SCOTUS

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t have the chance (ever) to scoop major news outlets or Drudge, but a friend of his called today with shocking news. John Paul Stevens is retiring from the Supreme Court, and President Bush is planning on appointing either Elvis Presley (now out of the Witness Protection Program and living in Kalamazoo, MI) or the famous “Bat Boy” to the court.

Okay… Lame attempt at a laugh. But some people aren’t laughing at the demise of the Weekly World News. Your Maximum Leader seems to remember hearing something about WWN closing down its shop later this month. (He thinks he heard it on “Marketplace” on NPR.) Well… The Washington Post is confirming the story and does a great (5 internet page) article on the WWN.

Your Maximum Leader admits he’s bought a few WWN issues. (He can be a sucker for the Elvis sightings.) But he never knew how it all got started:

It all began in Lantana, Fla., in 1979, when the National Enquirer, America’s premier tabloid, bought new color presses to replace its old black-and-white presses. The Enquirer’s owner, a former CIA agent named Generoso Pope, couldn’t bear to leave the old presses idle, so he founded Weekly World News as a sort of poor man’s Enquirer, running celebrity gossip and UFO sightings that didn’t quite meet the Enquirer’s high standards.

That is a choice paragraph. Enquirer’s high standards… Heh. Double heh even…

Read the piece. It is a great bit on a soon to be passing piece of Americana. Frankly, your Maximum Leader’s favourite Weekly World News bit is the scene from Men in Black where Tommy Lee Jones goes to the news stands to pick up the fact sheets and grabs a Weekly World News. That was a classic piece of cinema there.

Adieu Weekly World News. Your Maximum Leader doffs his bejeweled floppy cap in your direction for years of enjoyment and laughter.

Carry on.

Cue John McLaughlin

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was, in the immortal words and tone of John McLaughlin, WRONG! Wrong in his prediction about Bonds and number 756. Bonds didn’t homer, but the Nats’ 6 game winning streak is over. So, 756 watch continues…

So… Just so you all know… Your Maximum Leader is making a new prediction! Here tis:

Barry Bonds will hit home run 756 tonight off Mike Bacsik in the first inning with two men aboard and one out. Bonds will hit the third pitch he sees. The ball will go to deep center field where it will take an odd bounce off the ground behind the wall and fly back onto the field of play. It is a home run, and Washington player Austin Kearns will have 756 in his glove at the end of the play. Kearns will walk to the Giants dugout and give the ball to Bonds. The Nats will then come back to win the game.

There you have it. If this unlikely senario comes true, your Maximum Leader should buy a lottery ticket. Of course, if it doesn’t come true, then he’ll have to think of something more unlikely for tomorrow.

Carry on.

Baseball Musings

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is going to share some thoughts he’s having about baseball. (Hence the title of this post… This post is, in no way, connected to the very fine website of the same name.)

Insofar as your Maximum Leader is concerned, it has been a good weekend for the national pastime. The Nationals have swept both the Red and the Cardinals and are now (for the time being) over .500 at RFK. The Nats have been playing good ball. They have been making hits and generating runs the old fashioned way. They have not be relying on the long ball to give them all their scoring. Your Maximum Leader likes to see balls hit into play. This is not to say that he doesn’t like seeing home runs (he does), but he likes seeing men thinking about how to run the bases. Your Maximum Leader would like to see the Nats finish above the Marlins in the NL East. It could happen. He’ll keep his fingers crossed.

Speaking of the Nationals… You may have heard that they are on the road now. In San Francisco. For four games. This means two things… First, your Maximum Leader will not be able to watch or listen to the whole game. The games will end way past his bedtime. Secondly, it means that it is likely that Barry Bonds will hit his record-breaking 756th career home run against a Nationals pitcher (thereby making that pitcher a footnote to history).

Here is the prediction. Barry Bonds will hit home run 756 tonight off John Lannan in the first inning with one man aboard and two outs. Bonds will hit the fourth pitch served up to him out. The ball will be caught by a fan standing between the outfield and McCovey Cove.

You can’t get much more precise than that when it comes to predictions dear minions…

All in all, your Maximum Leader will be happy for Barry Bonds when he hits 756. While your Maximum Leader isn’t sure that the career home run record is the “most hallowed” of all sporting records — it is right up there near the top. (To be frank, your Maximum Leader is partial to Joe DiMaggio’s most consecutive games with a hit record.) Regardless of what Barry Bonds may, or may not, have done he is a great ball player and has worked hard to claim the record for himself. Your Maximum Leader will not rehash the whole “did he or didn’t he” use performance enhancing drugs debate here. If you care to know, your Maximum Leader believes that Bonds probably has used performance enhancing drugs during his later career. Your Maximum Leader also believes that people in our justice system are innocent until proven guilty. Your Maximum Leader further believes that major league baseball, as a business entity, doesn’t give a rats arse if players use performance enhancing drugs. Regardless about what we see and hear about nowadays with all these investigations, baseball would prefer the negative attention to go away and just let players keep on doing whatever they were doing before the spotlight came on. We all know chicks dig the long ball and everyone pays to see offense (not a pitching duel).

Your Maximum Leader would like to see a controlled study about performance enhancing drugs and how much performance they enhance. Barry Bonds was a 40/40 man before there was any thought that he might be “on the juice.” It takes skills and talent to be a good ball player. You could pump up your Maximum Leader with all the substances in the world, and you couldn’t make a ball player out of him. Your Maximum Leader is not wholly convinced that being on some banned substance will substantially improve performance across the board. Your Maximum Leader is sure that steroids or HGH will make one stronger, but he isn’t sure that it will improve hand-eye coordination or make it possible for someone to hit the ball better. Indeed, your Maximum Leader isn’t too sure if being stronger always helps you hit the ball further. Making quality contact is the best way to get a hit. Your Maximum Leader suspects, but wouldn’t mind seeing serious study on the subject, that performance enhancing drugs might only marginally increase one’s hitting numbers. He could, and quite possibly is, wrong on this. But that is his hunch. Frankly, your Maximum Leader thinks that if there is an incentive for players to take banned drugs it is to shorten recovery time and enable them to play through minor injuries…

Anyhoo…

Your Maximum Leader was pleased to see Alex Rodriguez hit his 500th homer. That is a good milestone. We can speculate all we want about how A-Rod might be the one to break Barry Bond’s homer record. Your Maximum Leader, a few years ago, would have told you that the home-run king of baseball by 2007 was going to be Ken Griffey Jr. So see where that idle speculation gets you.

Your Maximum Leader was most interested in Tom Glavine’s 300th victory. He watched the game intently. Normally, your Maximum Leader would be rooting for the Cubs to take the Mets down, but last night was an exception. Although your Maximum Leader hadn’t considered it until it happened, he is inclined to believe the many commentators who say that it could be decaded before we see another 300 game winner — if we see one at all. With more teams (practically all of them) counting pitches, having bigger bullpens, and more men in the starting rotations (your Maximum Leader believes that he will see 6 man starting rotations before he dies) it seems statistically unlikely that there will be another 300 game winner for a long time. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t see Randy Johnson getting into the 300 club. And Johnson would be the most likely candidate. Your Maximum Leader doffs his bejeweled floppy cap to Tom Glavine on a job well done…

Your Maximum Leader will be watching the Nats v. Giants tonight (in High Definition no doubt) for a while… We’ll see if his prediction comes true.

Carry on.

Nats sweep Reds

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader took his lovely daughters to the Washington Nationals v. Cincinnati Reds ballgame last night. The Nats beat the Reds 7-3 completing a three game sweep at RFK Stadium. It was Walter Johnson Night at the ballpark, and while the Nats’ Mike Bacsik didn’t look like Walter Johnson on the mound — Bacsik got the job done with the help of some good offense. Bacsik also helped his own cause with a nice double in the 4th that put him in a position to score later on a Belliard double later in the inning.

All in all it was a nice night at the ballpark. The worst part of the night was the drive home. Two (of three) lanes on 395 heading southbound to VA were closed for road work. Thus, your Maximum Leader took nearly an hour to just leave the District — a trip that might normally take 3-5 minutes in clear conditions.

Carry on.

Big Train plus 100

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader’s last post talked about Walter Johnson’s major league debut. In it he mentioned that he would like to see some footage of the Big Train pitching… Well… Thanks to the glories of You Tube he has this clip from “Baseball” by Ken Burns.

Sadly, your Maximum Leader must admit that he hasn’t seen all of the Burns film…

Your Maximum Leader is tipping his bejeweled floppy cap in memory of Walter Johnson.

Carry on.

Big Train.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is a baseball fan. He is a National League man, and now a fan of the Washington Nationals. (After many years of being an Atlanta Braves fan… You can only really be a fan for one team you know.) Your Maximum Leader also likes his history. He has, only in the past 5-10 years, become a fan of baseball history. He has always had a great admiration for Ty Cobb as a ball player. He’s also admired famed Senator’s pitcher Walter Johnson.

Your Maximum Leader was glad to see in today’s Washington Post a piece about the impending 100th anniversary of Johnson’s debut for the Senators. (That day was August 2, 1907.) Your Maximum Leader will share an excerpt from the Post piece that he particularly liked:

Ty Cobb later recounted the moment in his autobiography. “On Aug. 2, 1907, I encountered the most threatening sight I ever saw on a ballfield.”

Yet early that day, Cobb and the rest of the Detroit Tigers didn’t think much of Johnson as he warmed up for the second half of a doubleheader. The kid from Kansas was 19, had been pitching in a place called Weiser, Idaho, and was being rushed into the rotation of a last-place club by Manager Joe Cantillon. He had an unorthodox, slinging motion in which the ball seemed to come from behind his body. Cobb recalled that “we licked our lips” at the prospect of facing him.

“One of the Tigers imitated a cow mooing and we hollered at Cantillon: ‘Get the pitchfork ready, Joe — your hayseed’s on his way back to the barn,’ ” Cobb wrote.

They were wrong. Johnson didn’t win that day, leaving after eight innings in which he allowed six hits — three of them infield scratches — and two runs. When he was lifted for a pinch hitter in the eighth, he was headed for the first of his 279 losses. But he had left his mark.

J. Ed Grillo, covering the game for The Post, wrote: “Walter Johnson, the Idaho phenom, who made his debut in fast company yesterday, showed conclusively that he is perhaps the most promising young pitcher who has broken into a major league in recent years. . . . He had terrific speed, and the hard-hitting Detroit batsmen found him about as troublesome as any pitcher they have gone against on this present trip.”

Indeed, the Tigers were wowed. They were on their way to the American League pennant and had a fearsome lineup. But after they swept the doubleheader by beating Johnson in that second game, they knew they had seen a man who would be a rival for years.

“I watched him take that easy windup — and then something went past me that made me flinch,” Cobb said. “I hardly saw the pitch, but I heard it. The thing just hissed with danger. Every one of us knew we’d met the most powerful arm ever turned loose in a ballpark.”

That is a powerful endorsement from Cobb. “The most powerful arm ever turned loose in a ballpark.” Your Maximum Leader would love to find some film (if any exists) of Johnson pitching. He’d love to look over it and see the most powerful arm to throw a ball…

Your Maximum Leader might try and make it down to RFK to see the Nats play on “Walter Johnson Night.” The team will wear replica 1927 Senators caps in tribute to the man they called the Big Train.

Carry on.

It’s Dangerous.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was invited a little while ago by his friend Ted (of Rocket Jones fame) to participate in a new group blog he was starting. Ted, you see, had recently completed reading the “Dangerous Book for Boys.” So impressed by this book was Ted that he thought it would be a great idea to get some bloggers together to share bits of knowledge and life experience (or just trivia) in a way that would be educational and fun for parents and kids.

Now, for the sake of full disclosure, your Maximum Leader has not read “The Dangerous Book for Boys.” (But he has ordered it on Amazon and will likely get it in the mail pretty darn soon. (There is nothing like Super-saver shipping is there…) But he will trust Ted’s judgement that your Maximum Leader has something worthwhile to contribute to this worthy endeavour.

Without further adieu… Your Maximum Leader presents: The Dangerous and Daring Blog for Boys and Girls.

And since your Maximum Leader is plugging the new site, allow him to plug his first contribution to the Dangerous Blog… Without asking the Smallholder’s permission at all, your Maximum Leader went ahead and slapped down some editing on two of the most linked posts ever in the history of this blog… Yes… Long-time readers will remember the posts well… They were the toad sexing posts. (Originals here and here.)

Go over to the Dangerous and Daring Blog for Boys and Girls… Learn how to sex toads, make spider houses, and tell a ghost story.

And in case you are wondering… The most linked post in the history of Naked Villainy… It was this one: 10 Things…

Carry on.

Awake at night - Pt XIV

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is a pretty good sleeper all in all. But sometimes he might be kept from sleeping by something or another. Rarely is his sleep disturbed once he is down…

Well… Last night he woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible image etched in his minds eye. He had seen the image the night before, and it obviously has affected him more than he thought.

Sunday night your Maximum Leader and Mrs Villain watched “The Last King of Scotland.” It is a great movie. As someone with more than a passing interest in history your Maximum Leader would describe the film as “historical” not “history.” This is to say that the film gives one a “feeling” about the people and events depicted not an “accurate retelling.” Of course, this film is well acted. In fact, Forest Whitaker’s Oscar winning performance is nuanced and expertly done.

Anyhoo… On with the sleep disturbance…

Your Maximum Leader watched the whole film in rapt attention. Towards the end of the film, Kay Amin (Idi’s third wife) is killed and mutilated after having an affair with Scottish doctor Nicolas Garrigan. While your Maximum Leader will not describe the image in detail here, let him say it must have disturbed him more than he thought. Because he woke up in the middle of the night seeing the mutilated body in the morgue. Your Maximum Leader isn’t sure why that image had such an affect on him and other images of brutality didn’t affect him in the same way. But it did. He is glad that Mrs Villain had her eyes closed and didn’t see that. It might have disturbed her sleep as well.

Carry on.

Bill Walsh - RIP

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees on the new wires that former San Francisco 49ers coach Bill Walsh has died at age 75.

As you know, your Maximum Leader is something of a child of the 80s. As a child of those halcyon Reagan years, you have to admire Bill Walsh. Walsh’s 49ers were the footbal team of the 90s. Walsh revolutionized how football is played. As the article reads:

Walsh coached the 49ers for only 10 seasons but that was enough for him to become known as “The Genius” for his offensive wizardry. Football as it was played by Walsh’s 49ers was more poetry than brute force. His skillfully choreographed system of short, quick-hitting passes became known as the West Coast offense and was widely copied by other NFL coaches in the decades that followed.

“The offensive philosophy that he installed in those great 49er teams more than 25 years ago will remain his legacy and is still very much a part of the NFL to this day,” said another Hall of Fame coach, Don Shula.

As long-time readers know, your Maximum Leader is a Packers fan. And although your Maximum Leader personally is a fan of the running game, his beloved Packers won their last Super Bowl on the strength of a “West Coast” offense led by former 49ers assistant coach Mike Holmgren.

Thanks Bill Walsh for innovating the game. You will be missed.

Carry on.

Wrenching questions

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is trying not to complain about the driving thunderstorms that have been hitting the Villainschloss. We need the rain. Mrs Villain’s garden needs water to bear fruits and vegetables. So the prospect of a few tenths of an inch of rain — however it comes — is a good thing. We are in a drought here afterall.

Of course, the driving thunderstorms (complete with theatrical lightning for effect) have been occuring precisely at your Maximum Leader’s peak blogging times. Your Maximum Leader has had enough electronic equipment fried from lightning strikes that he just shuts down computers and reads during the storms. So the plus side of these storms is that your Maximum Leader is edifying himself — at your expense loyal reader.

So… During one of these thunderstorms your Maximum Leader and his sainted father-in-law started to chat. (Father-in-law was visiting…) We chatted about this and that and then your Maximum Leader sprung the big question on him…

Now, your Maximum Leader’s father-in-law is a mechanical engineer by training and profession. Although he is retired now, he is more mechanically knowledgable and inclined than your Maximum Leader will ever be. Armed with this knowledge you will understand that your Maximum Leader didn’t just throw this question out to anyone… This man is a “SME” as the government would say. (That is Subject Matter Expert by the way…)

Question: Tools calibrated along “English” measure (as opposed to “metric”) come in increments divisible by two. (eg: 1/2, 1/4, 1/8, 1/16, 1/32). Why does one find no use of thirds in “English” measure tools? Your Maximum Leader has 5/8 wrenches, and 27/32 sockets; but he’s never even heard of a 1/3, 1/6, or 1/9th wrench.

We didn’t come to any conclusions that we would lay money on as being correct. Your Maximum Leader’s father-in-law speculated that when you are building something you can reduce the something by halfs with ease, but you can’t reduce a built something by thirds with ease. This is to say that if you were building a house, you could build a model to serve as your guide. You could build this model to half size, or quarter size, or even eighth or sixteenth size. It is almost impossible to reduce a structure by thirds. (This is assuming you aren’t using computer aided design where scale is just a click away. We’re talking building structures from antiquity onwards.)

If anyone reading this has an authoritative source in this matter that they can recommend, your Maximum Leader would appreciate it.

Carry on.

Homer Movie?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is debating if he should leave the Villainschloss tonight to catch a midnight showing of the Simpsons Movie?

At this point the odds are about 4:1 that he will be too tired and not do it. But there is still that chance…

Carry on.

Expanding the Library of Congress

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has, since about 1980, traveled with some regularity down State Route 3 in Virginia from Fredericksburg to Culpeper. In recent years the drive has been going to and coming from Smallholder’s farm.

Just outside Culpeper, VA, near where Route 3 and Route 29 meet there has been a “federal facility” built into a hilside. As a young man this structure fascinated him. He eventually learned that the building was, essentially, a bunker for the Federal Reserve. In case of a Commie attack, the Fed had records, computers, and other stuff necessary for the continuing functioning of US-style capitalism. There was always a little mystery and glamor to the place.

Upon the end of the Cold War, the Fed decided they didn’t need a hardened bunker in the Virginia countryside to protect them from the Commie menace (since the Commie menace had retreated to North Korea, Cuba, and various Universities around the United States). So they vacated the space.

Now… Your Maximum Leader has always had a dream of converting an old ICBM silo into his own personal (nuke/zombie-attack proof) hardened fortress. When the Fed left their subterrainean fortress your Maximum Leader was hoping that the government would sell of the facility and he might buy it. Alas, the facility was transferred to the Library of Congress.

A few years ago, the hillside started to be excavated. Your Maximum Leader was horrified, yet fascinated and what might be going on. Eventually, the hillside was converted into a handsome (if unimaginiative) building-face and it was evident that some high-falutin government agency was moving in.

Although your Maximum Leader has known for a while that it is in fact the Library of Congress that is moving in, he didn’t know what collections they were putting in the heretofore Virginia bunker. Now thanks to the Washington Post he knows. The Library’s audio and film collections are moving to Culpeper. The piece opens:

On a hillside an hour or so southwest of Capitol Hill, the Library of Congress is moving into the newly completed home for its mammoth collection of U.S. recording and film history.

There are 6.3 million items in all: footage of Charlie Chaplin’s tottering gait, paper prints of early movies, the original negatives from “Casablanca,” the first 45-rpm record (a 1949 RCA Victor disc of the music of Johann Strauss II) and kinescope reels of NBC broadcasts from the 1940s. There’s a fine copy of Elvis Presley’s 1964 movie “Viva Las Vegas,” a complete set of Ed Sullivan’s variety shows and footage of President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s speech on Dec. 7, 1941.

The National Audio-Visual Conservation Center, which was officially turned over to the library yesterday, will bring together all of the recordings and conservation staff in a single, specially equipped facility for the first time.

The three-building campus is the largest addition to the library in 30 years. A $155 million gift from David Woodley Packard (son of the co-founder of Hewlett-Packard) and the Packard Humanities Institute made it possible. The Packard gift is the largest in the library’s 207-year history. Congress appropriated $82 million for the project.

“It assures for the first time the permanent storage and preservation and heightened access to the audiovisual heritage of the last 110 years,” said James H. Billington, the librarian of Congress.

One crucial mission of the center is to transfer precious historical images and sounds from fragile cylinders, tapes or films to digital files, which are less apt to deteriorate. The electronic versions also can be summoned by researchers at the Library of Congress buildings in Washington.

A 208-seat, art deco theater will show the films up to three nights a week. It even has an organ to accompany silent movies. While most of those visiting the center will be scholars and researchers — who will have access beginning in September — there is an audio-listening studio that will be used for exhibits, demonstrations and other public programs.

The addition sits on 45 acres and contains 415,000 square feet, about eight times the size of the White House. The inventory: 3 million sound recordings, 2.1 million supporting documents (such as screenplays and posters) and 1.2 million moving images.

Ohh! An Art Deco theatre showing movies three times a week! Although it is something of a haul from the Villainschloss, your Maximum Leader will have to partake of some viewing there.

Although your Maximum Leader is saddened by the loss of a nuke/zombie-proof bunker, he is glad to learn that our nation’s audio and cinematic history are going to be better preserved.

Carry on.

Cheney Administration

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader realizes that the Cheney Administration is over and that comments about it might be outdated… But let that not stop your Maximum Leader…

You see, your Maximum Leader spent the Cheney Administration getting to then watching the Washington Nationals v. Colorado Rockies baseball game. Once or twice he speculated to Mrs Villain and friends around on what he though President Cheney was doing. In the moment those idle musings were funny enough to elicit laughs…

Alas, none of your Maximum Leader’s comments were as funny as those penned by The Colossus. The absolute best of the Colossus’ great list (in the tradition of David Letterman top ten lists where inevitably the Number 2 answer is funnier than the Number 1 answer: 2. Dinner: bottle of whisky, foie gras made from the liver of Ambassador Joe Wilson, served on Triscuits.

Damn that made your Maximum Leader laugh. He supposes that after the foie gras a la Wilson he might have had sweatbreads a la Plame…

Carry on.

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