I’m all for the introduction of new sports to the Olympics. Here’s a short list of venerable sports that haven’t been recognized by the IOC yet:
1. Gang-banging with consenting adults. The Houston 500 needs to be Olympicized and would be an instant hit, what with all the closeups and replays. The only stumbling block to this would be analysis and commentary by John Tesh. But damn, this sport makes me wish Howard Cosell were alive today.
2. Dwarf tossing/bowling. Little people have served as projectiles since timeimmemorial, and it’s about time we had the Summer Olympics’ answer to ski jumping.
3. Bitch-slapping. I’d remove weight class and sex restrictions and just make this a free-for-all. Given the role politics plays at the Olympic Games, I’d wager this sport would be mighty cathartic, even for the losers.
4. Sheep-humping. At a guess, the contest would boil down to the Scots and the Kiwis, with the Aussies a distant third, possibly jockeying for the bronze with a highly motivated team of Swiss farmers. But given the ubiquity of Murphy’s Law, I wouldn’t be surprised if some small team– say, the Iranians– proved up to the challenge.
There are also some sci-fi-inspired sports I’d like to see:
1. Telekinetic brain-explosion. It happened in “Scanners,” and I bet Michael Ironside would rope in the gold for the Canadians.
2. Brachial energy generation. Emperor Palpatine can do it, as can Count Dooku. Any number of Asian animé characters can project “chi” or “ki” globes, and Rick Moranis demonstrated some pyrotechnic potential (arguably with the help of his Schwartz ring) when he blasted a minion’s crotch in “Spaceballs.”
3. All-time fastest parasite infestation. A contest for non-humans that uses human hosts! We’d have to settle on a decent intergalactic definition of the term “parasite,” otherwise the humongous Brain Bugs of “Starship Troopers” might qualify thanks to some technical loophole. Possible contestants would include Ceti Eels from “Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan,” nanites (including Borg nanites) from any number of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” episodes, chest-bursting larvae from the facehuggers in the Alien series, and the green “meteor shit” that drives Stephen King to suicide in the movie “Creepshow.”
4. Quickest conversion from evil to good. Luke was able to bring his father back from the dark side of the Force, but how well would he fare against the Borg Queen?
I also think that golf and fishing should be recognized as the true Olympic sports they are, but a little voice in my head keeps insisting that (1) golf and fishing need to be combined somehow, and (2) we need to add old-school Ultimate Fighting into the mix. As with bitch-slapping, there’d be no weight classes or sex restrictions, but I have no idea what we’d call this awesome sports hybrid. We should probably name it according to an exclamation common to all three sports, so say hello to Fuuuuuuuck!
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