Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, in the few days since this post, has been thinking about the dreamy Jennifer Love Hewitt. Apparently so has loyal minion, and - ahem - “MILF,” sooper seekrit agent Dead Sexy Sadie.

Of course, to start thinking about the dreamy Jennifer Love Hewitt is to lose oneself in an endless loop of disturbed fantasy. It is of course all fantasy now because certain naughty bits of imagination ar just that. Imagination. For as of yet something like this is the closest we’ve come to seeing the dreamy Miss Hewitt in the all-together.

Sadie has also pointed out the failed attempts to “jump-start” one’s career via use of the Playboy spread. Sadie is so good to help your Maximum Leader in his work. What work you say? The work of convincing his one true platonic “Love” that Playboy just isn’t right for her. It is just too obvious. It just screams “I’m afraid I’m a has-been before I really ever was.”

Your Maximum Leader has some advice for the object of his faraway affections… Forget Gwyneth Paltrow and think repeat after him. Ready? Here are the words to repeat like a mantra. “Blueberry, Strawberry, Halle Berry.” Yes. Halle Berry. She should be your guide. Not some wacky blonde who professes to love England more than the US and names her kids after fruits.

Halle Berry is the way. Look at her career. It was doing fine but not great. Then she reads for an action picture. The producers want her to show her breasts in a non-love scene. She says sure, but makes them pay through the nose. Next thing you know… Billions of men around the world are buying Swordfish DVDs to practice their freeze frame prowess.

Now Halle has established she can do action films (which you can too Jennifer Love Hewitt - we’ve all seen The Tuxedo). So you have killed two birds with one stone. First off, you are in the lucrative action-film genre. A favourite of young hormonally charged men. And you’ve established that you can show your absolutely heavenly assets for the right role and price.

Look where it took Halle. X-Men, X-Men 2, and Monster’s Ball. As your Maximum Leader recalls… Halle won an Oscar for Monster’s Ball. Your Maximum Leader bets that looking at the Oscar and saying “Make me feel beautiful.” causes her to forget that she had to do that sex scene with Billy Bob Thornton.

So do you see the plan? No Playboy. Action film with topless scene. Then small-budget drama with Oscar potential.

If all that fails just await the MWO. You’ll be very well taken care of then.

Carry on.