Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was both a good dad and a bad friend this weekend.

A bad friend in that he left the Minister of Agriculture high and dry when it comes to going to a movie. Yes, the good Smallholder invited your Maximum Leader to come down and see a movie with him. But your Maximum Leader really couldn’t go on Saturday, and he had already promised another friend, as well as Mrs. Villain, and the Villainettes, that he would go with them to the Chinese Culture Festival in DC on Sunday.

So, Smallholder did not get to appreciate your Maximum Leader’s company. But your Maximum Leader did go to DC on Sunday with the Villainous family.

So, your Maximum Leader, and his family, met a friend downtown to enjoy the Chinese Culture Festival. We wanted to see prancing firecrackers, dancing dragons, and eat some dim sum.

Upon arriving in Chinatown, a Falun Gong member attempted to give your Maximum Leaer some literature. Your Maximum Leader declined it, but did stop to ask himself what exactly do the Chinese Communists find so objectionable about Falun Gong. To your Maximum Leader’s knowledge they are just a bunch of people gathered in public places doing some sort of tai chi. Is there something your Maximum Leader doesn’t know? Is there some secret ritual he’s not clued into? Do they bathe in goat’s blood? Do they eat babies? If a loyal minion knows the answers to these not-so-pressing questions, please drop your Maximum Leader a line.

Well, we started with the dim sum. Your Maximum Leader grossed out his Villainous progeny, and Mrs. Villain, by eating whole fried prawns. Heads. Eyes. Tails. Everything. It was quite yummy. After eating dim sum, we went back out onto the streets of DC’s pathetic Chinatown for the parade and cultural activities.

A very fun day was had by all. But rather than leaving it at that, your Maximum Leader will relate in more detail a happening of the day.

As you may know, your Maximum Leader is the proud owner of a Big Hominid “Dick Proverb” t-shirt. The shirt reads: “Bul-un-shi, dae-nam-gyeong, mu-so-yong.” or translated: “In a time of misfortune, a big dick is useless.” This is from the original Roman saying, which rendered in English is: “When your luck has run out, a big dick is useless.”

Your Maximum Leader decided to wear this t-shirt out to the Chinese Culture Festival. Which was also, by the way, a celebration of the 20th anniversary of Beijing and Washington DC becoming “sister cities.”

Aside: If Beijing and DC are “sister” cities, when can we expect some hot lesbo action? Really? Your Maximum Leader wants to know. He imagines Beijing to be a leather-clad dominatrix type a la Lucy Liu in Payback. (Only red leather, not black. And it would probably have Hu Jintao silkscreened across the bosom; and Mao across the crotch…) DC, your Maximum Leader imagines, would be more the Queen Latifah type. Now your Maximum Leader figures that Beijing, being filled with communists and all, is probably a pretty tough town. But, as they are chinese communists, they are also interested in business. So they are tough, heavy-handed, and always looking to put the smack-down on the competition. Beijing would likely want to cutler DC just for the hell of it. Of course, DC isn’t a pushover. Sure they have a high murder rate. They can’t get their schools together. They can’t balance a budget to save their life. And, of course, they keep electing Marion Barry to office. But you know, DC has street cred and just isn’t gonna take a cutlering from anyone.

Wrap your brain around that for a moment…

But where was your Maximum Leader? Oh yes… Dick Proverb shirt in the midst of a chinese culture celebration…

So… Your Maximum Leader was sipping a hot Chai Latte (from the Chinatown Starbucks). When a young chinese man stopped directly in front of him. The young chinese man (YCM) looked at your Maximum Leader’s shirt. Then he spoke.

YCM: I don’t understand your shirt.
ML: Oh?
YCM: Do I read it left to right like English?
ML: No. Vertically right to left… Like Chinese.
YCM: Oh. I see…

YCM pauses to read shirt while still blocking your Maximum Leader.

YCM: I don’t understand. “In times of misfortune having… something… is not a help?” (Thinkssome more.) No. No. “In unfortunate period, having a BIG… something… is not a help.” I really don’t understand that character there. (YCM said pointing.)
ML: Dick.
YCM: Wha?
ML: Dick. Schlong. Heat-seeking moisture missle. ICBM of love.

YCM doesn’t appear to get it.

ML: Penis.
YCM: Oh… OH! Now I get it. Oh yes! I see it now.

YCM starts laughing uncontrolably.

ML: My friend would be glad that you like it. Read the URL. Visit. Buy some. It’s a big hit with white chicks.

Your Maximum Leader then pressed on. About 30 minutes later, your Maximum Leader was walking towards the MCI Center. When he noticed the YCM and some other young (and middle aged) chinese men. The YCM shouted out something in chinese to the others. They all walked towards your Maximum Leader.

YCM: We really like your shirt. My friends wanted to see it.
ML: Regard it if you must.
YCM: It is very funny. Where did you get it?
ML: My friend’s web site. Look it up. Buy some. It would make him very happy.
YCM: (giggling) Very funny. But you know, my friend wants to ask you a question…
ML: (Cutting him off.) Of course. Tell him that a big dick almost always comes in handy.

With that your Maximum Leader pressed on, leaving a bunch of chinese men in his wake to ponder the wisdom just emparted to them.

And that, gentle minions, is how your Maximum Leader spent his Sunday.

Carry on.