Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t generally blog about his family or home life. As Dr. Evil once said, “The details of my life are quite inconsequential…” But once and a while your Maximum Leader is moved to write about his personal/home life. ou know… To give his loyal minions a glimse into the secret life of their Maximum Leader. This is one of those times.

Your Maximum Leader has started to grow out a goatee. He has “sported” one in the past. Twice in fact. Once when in graduate school. Your Maximum Leader lived in an old plantation house (built c 1839) at the time. The well was old and on really hot days in July and August the water pressure was sketchy at best. So, to cut down on the water he consumed on bathing, he had his hair cut down to stubble and grew a beard. Alas, the beard didn’t fill in just right, so it was shaved down to a goatee.

At this point your Maximum Leader was about 30 pounds lighter than he is now and had a penchant for wearing vests. He also had small, round, wire rimmed glasses. Some of his friends, and a few students to whom he taught Western Civilization, commented that he looked a bit like Lenin.

But your Maximum Leader digresses…

The second goatee came in late 2001 - April 2002. The company for which your Maximum Leader worked was acquired by another firm. It soon became clear that your Maximum Leader’s job would be eliminated, but if he stayed through the transition he would get a positively generous severance package. At this point your Maximum Leader decided to “let things go” a little and grow a goatee.

It turns out Mrs. Villain liked it a lot. But after some time your Maximum Leader grew weary of it and shaved it off. Mrs. Villain, although claiming that she loved the goatee, didn’t even notice. Indeed, it was gone for two weeks before she even noticed.

Anyhoo… Your Maximum Leader and Mrs. Villain were looking through some photos he took in London in 2002. During the 2nd Goatee period. Mrs. Villain suggested that your Maximum Leader grow back the goatee. He has started to do so. Alas… This time the goatee is showing signs of age. There is much gray hair in the goatee. He’ll let it fill in some more before determining to cut it off. It does make him look thinner, but it also makes him look older. In point of fact, the benefit of looking thinner outweighs the looking older considerations.

In other news around the Villainschloss… Mrs. Villain is now planting the garden. Your Maximum Leader suggested some peppers to add in this year. But Mrs Villain rarely takes your Maximum Leader’s advice on such matters…

For those of you minions who are married here is something… How many times have you resolved just to ignore a tendency, habit, or trait of your better half because you realize that no matter how much you mention it the habit will never change? Your Maximum Leader was reminded of one of Mrs. Villain’s habits yesterday.

You see… Mrs. Villain was baking a chicken for dinner. Nothing fancy. Some garlic cloves stuffed into the meat. A nice dry rub applied liberally to the skin and cavity of the bird. When the bird was finished cooking it was removed from the oven and moved to the carving board. Your Maximum Leader stood watching what unfolded. And what unfolded did so exactly as he predicted it would.

Mrs. Villain regarded the bird and reached for the knife block. From the block she withdrew a magnificent German-made surgical steel knife. The knife in question was a paring knife with a two inch blade. She attempted to slice off some breast meat for the Wee Villain to get things started. Upon realizing that the two inch blade was insufficient for the task, she placed it in the sink and withdrew a second knife. This time a paring/utility knife with a 4 inch blade. Again, the knife wasn’t up to the task of carving the 7 lb bird. She placed the second knife in the sink and withdrew a third. This time she took out of the block a santoku style chef’s knife with an 8 inch blade. In the hands of your Maximum Leader this knife could have done the job - if called upon to do so. But, Mrs Villain found the blade too wide for her tastes. The knife went into the sink. The fourth knife pulled out of the block was the 10 inch chef’s knife. It made short work of thebird once she got going.

1 chicken to carve. Four knives used. Your Maximum Leader both annoyed and amused by this spectacle stood in silence as he watched his lovely wife move from cutting utensil to cutting utensil. For some reason passing understanding your Maximum Leader said, “It’s surprising that you didn’t use the carving knife too. That would have made a clean sweep of all the knives in the block except the tomato and bread knives.” Mrs. Villain shot your Maximum Leader an evil look. Deciding to push his luck, your Maximum Leader said, “If you were doing dishes tonight would you have used all the knives?” To which Mrs. Villain responded, “Yes I would.” Your Maximum Leader smiled at his wife and said, “I know you would have. The Leopard cannot change his spots.”

With that we all sat down to dinner. It was a fine dinner. Afterwards, your Maximum Leader did the dishes. He cleaned, sharpened, and cleaned again the four knives used to dissect the chicken.

In other domestic news… Your Maximum Leader just started to read “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.” He picked it up Sunday night. Currently he’s about 250 pages in. Yes… He knows that Dumbledore gets it in the end from Snape. But it is a good read nonetheless.

And finally… The absolutely delightful Mrs. P asked your Maximum Leader a question in the comment thread of a post on her site. He figured he’d take a moment to answer in this space.

NB to readers: If you don’t read Patum Peperium frequently you are really missing out. Your Maximum Leader visits every day. Sometimes twice a day. He just loves Mrs. P. That is not to say that he doesn’t care for Mr. P. No, not by any stretch. But Mrs. P has an edge to her that he finds captivating. She also is a damn fine cook if her recipes are any indication…

But your Maximum Leader digresses…

Your Maximum Leader’s family was for many years divided when it came to liquor. There were the Scotch drinkers. And then there were the Gin drinkers. If you were inclined to drink liquor you allied yourself with the Scotch side of the family or the Gin side of the family.

Your Maximum Leader was, and still is, a Scotch drinker. He loves his Scotch. For many years it was the only liquor he drank. Period. Nothing else. But about two years ago, on the Fourth of July, your Maximum Leader and his esteemed brother-in-law at the beach. On vacation with our families. For some reason we both decided that we needed some liquor instead of beer with which to celebrate the birth of our great Republic. So we went to the liquor store. Your Maximum Leader walked right up to the Scotch section and started to look for something to buy. Whereupon his brother-in-law said something to the effect of, “You’re gonna drink Scotch on the Fourth of July?” Your Maximum Leader thought about this for a moment and determined that there might be something unpatriotic about drinking Scotch on the Fourth of July. Afterall, our ancestors didn’t throw off the yoke of British rule just to become dependent on British liquor… So, your Maximum Leader picked up a bottle of Makers Mark. He discovered he liked Bourbon. Not as much as he liked Scotch. But he liked it nonetheless. Now your Maximum Leader drinks Bourbon and Scotch in almost equal quantities.

And that is how your Maximum Leader came to drink bourbon…

Carry on.