Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has checked time and time again today to see if the Smallholder had posted this week’s Men’s Club post. Finally, your Maximum Leader gave up wishing and decided to take matters into his own maximum leaderly fist…

This week the topic for the Demystifying Divas and Men’s Club is pets. What do they tell you about someone? How do they affect a relationship with someone? How do they impact you and your “other” (be they “significant” or “insignificant”).

Well… Your Maximum Leader thinks you can tell a lot about someone from the company they keep. This age-old maxim is equally applicable to pets as to people. Allow your Maximum Leader to make a broad generalization.

If your “lady friend” has a house full of cats, beware! This woman will be nothing but trouble for you. Any single woman with more than two cats living with her inside her house/apartment/condo/domicile is trouble.

Excursus: You will never find a married woman with more than two cats living with her in her house/apartment/condo/domicile. Why? Because no normal man would live with a woman with more than two cats. And why two cats you may be asking yourself? Cats, you see, have never forgotten that they were worshipped as Gods in ancient Egypt. The constantly look down on you. (You being a human being.) They take your love, they take your food, they take your shelter from the elements; and if you are really really good they will occasionally deign to suffer through some petting and give you a purr. A cat will never really be happy alone with a person. A cat will only really be happy with another cat. In many ways this is a variation of that old adage that men and women from different socio-economic classes can’t be happy together. Only in this case it is beings from different classes of divinity cannot be happy together. The mind of a cat works thusly: Cats=Divine Man=Lesser Being. You can’t love someone you always think of as your inferior. Thus, cats can’t really love people, they can only love other cats. Recognizing this, one has to have two cats if you are going to have cats at all. Because very few things are as disruptive to one’s life as an upset cat.

Anyho…

A single woman who owns more than two cats is trouble. That is spelled T-R-O-U-B-L-E. (As Elvis would sing.) This is to say that such a woman has deluded herself in one of two ways. The first way is that she has deluded herself into thinking that she is divine and the cats worship her. The second (and more common) delusion is that she just loves cats “THAT MUCH” and cn’t have enough of them. This second case is a double delusion in fact. The first (sub-)delusion is that she loves the cats. She really doesn’t. This leads to the second (sub-)delusion, which is that she has ceased to realize that in fact she has been enslaved by the cats evil power. Yes, the woman denies that she is really the cats’ servant. Minion if you will. She will never snap out of it. Ever.

The single woman who is the minion of her cats will never be a lover/companion/soul-mate for any man. ANY MAN. EVER.

So, if you encounter a woman in whom you are interested be sure to check on the number of cats she owns. If it is three or more, be assured that such a woman will never love you. Her destiny is to be removed from her home one day and taken to an asylum because she lived in filth and squalor with 400 cats.

It is a given.

Don’t blame your Maximum Leader. He didn’t make these rules. He is only relating them unto you.

So. Rule #1: Never attempt to become intimate with a woman with three or more cats.

Rule#1 (Subpart A): If a woman owning three or more cats is really really hot, then it is permissible to persue casual sexual relations with her. Enter into casual sexual relations with the woman knowing that your relationship will never amount to anything and she is destined to live in squallor with 400 cats.

Moving along…

Your Maximum Leader has heretofore made a big deal about cats. Allow him to say that these rules only apply to cats living in the home/condo/apartment. Outdoor cats are not covered under these rules. Indeed, if the woman you’re interested in lives on a farm one would hope she has a few cats. A few cats provided, of course, that she has no free-range poultry living on her farm. Cats and free-range poultry don’t mix.

Of course, if one lives on a farm one should have a dog. Indeed, most happy people own dogs regardless of whether they live on a farm or not. Have you heard the old American Indian legend? No? The one about how the Gods made man along with other animals. But the Gods realized that man couldn’t live peacefully with other animals. So the Gods opened a great chasm in the earth. Man on one side. Animals on the other. And as the chasm was opening up the dog decided that he didn’t want to live among animals but among men. So the dog jumped across the chasm and forever separated themselves from the realm of animals.

Telling story no?

Dogs can tell a lot about their owners. Frilly foo-foo dogs generally are owned by frilly foo-foo people. Lazy dogs are owned by lazy people. Big dogs owned by big people. Well… You get the drift. Practically speaking, if you meet a woman and her dog doesn’t like you. Forget it. Dogs are good judges of people. And if a woman’s dog doesn’t like you, the woman will always be suspicious. Also, make sure you only try to date women with dogs you like. If you are a black lab type of guy (and if you are you know of what your Maximum Leader is typing) and you want to date a woman with a Scotty - well tough toenails buddy. Scotties and Labs don’t mix. Scotty people and Lab people don’t mix. T’ain’t gonna happen. Save yourself the grief.

So… Rule #2: Never attempt to become intimate with a woman who’s dog doesn’t like you. Neither attempt to become intimate with a woman who’s breed of dog you do not like.

Rule #2 (Subpart A): If a woman owning a dog that either a) you don’t like or b) doesn’t like you but is really really hot, then it is permissible to persue casual sexual relations with her. Enter into casual sexual relations with the woman knowing that your relationship will never amount to anything .

Dogs and Cats pretty much cover everything about typical pets. A woman who keeps other domesticated animals generally lives on a farm. If you don’t like farm life, don’t try to date her. This is especially true if she owns pigs. If a woman owns pigs you need to be wary. If you cross a woman owning pigs you are likely to be clubbed over the head with an axe and your lifeless body fed to the pigs. Thee will be no trace left of you. Except possibly some teeth and bone fragments in the pig effluence. And to be quite honest, what detective wants to search around in pig effluence to find a tooth or bone fragment…

So what have we learned? We’ve learned both Rules #1 and #2 with their associated subparts. If you’ve already forgotten them, well read the post again and again until you’ve memorized them.

For other thoughts on this subject check out Phin, the Wizard, and Stiggy. For the ladies thougths check out Sadie, Kathy, Chrissy, and Silk.

Carry on.