Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader read the most recent post from the great and mighty Velociman concerning electric can openers.

Like the Velociman, your Maximum Leader can’t stand electric can openers. Now, your Maximum Leader will admit to having spent some ungodly amount approaching $18 for some piece-of-crap ergonomic über-can-opener once. He forgets who made it. But he loved it. It worked with little effort. And that can opener never had to be “fiddled with” or “adjusted” to get it to work… Well, your Maximum Leader never had to fiddle or adjust the can opener. Mrs. Villain hated it. It never worked for her. It would slip. It would fail to pierce the top of the can. It would take about 15 cranks to get it halfway around the can. She hated it. She threw it in the sink. She threw it on the floor. She cursed at it. She cursed your Maximum Leader for insisting that it “worked fine” for him. If your Maximum Leader remembers correctly, she even cut her finger with it once.

To her that $18 can opener was anathema. She wanted it cast into the outer darkness. She damned it on its coming and going. She wanted a great dark chasm in the earth to open and swallow it whole.

Then one day, the $18 can opener disappeared. Gone. Vanished without a race. Your Maximum Leader made no mention of it. And since he had no cans to open, it didn’t seem like a pressing issue. He made a note to pick up a new can opener if the $18 can opener didn’t reappear.

The next day there was a new can opener in the Villainschloss. It was an ugly piece of equipment. Oversized rubber grips. A massive half-moon handle with some plastic coating on it. Very little metal showing. And although it wieghed a lot more than the $18 can opener, it felt cheap. Somewhere on the grip it was emblazoned with the word “Farberware.” Your Maximum Leader saw the reciept for the new can opener in the trash. $5.99.

The Farberware can opener works fine. It rarely slips. It always seems to work effectively. But it doesn’t work with the ease and style that the $18 can opener did. Your Maximum Leader really liked the $18 can opener.

But it is gone. And will likely never return.

And Mrs. Villain has never complained about the new one.

Carry on.