Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has returned, if only for a few days. As he types these words he is completely unaware of what has been going on in the blogosphere - indeed he is ignorant of the goings-on on his own blog - for the past week.

This is the first time in nearly a week that your Maximum Leader has logged onto a computer for the purpose of oing something other than a quick glance at e-mail (just to see who’s writing, not to read or respond) or to play Medieval Total War.

Skip this paragraph if you are uninterested in your Maximum Leader’s exploits in Medieval Total War. In case you are a total computer strategery game geek, your Maximum Leader has spent a few hours over the past few days playing the English or the Byzantines as they bring Europe under their respective heels. The English game was much more fun. Had a few civil wars in addition to the conquest. Never have had a civil war as the Byzantines. They must be more loyal types. But those English in the Middle Ages! Geez! Just show them some rosebushes and watch them go at it. Anyway…

You may be asking your minionly self, “Minionly Self, what has my Maximum Leader been doing? Where is he? Why hast he forsaken me?” Well ask no further. Your Maximum Leader just needed some time to collect his thoughts and spend some time with the Villainous Progeny. He figured he was spending too much time in front of the computer reading blogs, reading newswires, and thinking of pithy comments. (Or not so pithy comments.)

Your Maximum Leader needed a little time to uncloud his clouded brain. Yes, once and a while your Maximum Leader’s brain becomes clouded. There are generally two remedies for this condition. The first is mass-murder and Stalin-esque purges. The second is quite time for introspection.

Your Maximum Leader opted for the latter. (But let it not be said that the former has a lot going for it.)

So, for a few days your Maximum Leader just played with the Villainettes and spend his days in the most lazy fashion possible.

Lazy except for a quick visit to the Smallholder’s farm. It would have been a great photo-op had either of us been in a political race. The Minister of Agriculture and your Maximum Leader wielding chainsaws and cutting back overgrown cedar trees.

Why cut back the cedars you ask? Well, to allow Mrs. Smallholder to see from their manse down to the driveway for one. The other reason was to allow the Smallholder himself an unobstructed view from his front porch down into his lower fields. Although it was pouring rain, it was good work. And helped clear the mind.

The Villainettes enjoyed themselves too. They fed the cows (including the ones that will one day end up on their dinner plates). They gathered eggs from chickens. And the eldest Villainette (the Princess Villainette as opposed to her younger sister - the Tomboy Villainette) was able to engage in a little exposition on how when your Maximum Leader and his Minister of Agriculture get together they are “Boring!” because all they do is “talk and talk and talk.” Your Maximum Leader is an indulgent father. He allows his children to freely discuss their thoughts in his presence. (Whereas your Maximum Leader prefers most people keep their innermost vapid thoughts to themselves and not (inadvertently) present arguments for sterilization of the masses.)

Other activites included taking the Villainettes, the wee Villain, and the progeny of your Maximum Leader’s esteemed Brother/Sister-in-law to the zoo. Your Maximum Leader’s favourite animals were (as almost always) the Orangutans. The Princess Villainette liked the Pandas. The Tomboy Villainette liked the Gorillas and Elephants. The Villainous Cousin liked standing under the mist machines and getting soaked. And the Wee Villain liked sucking on Mrs. Villain’s boobs and being pushed around in a pram all day in the sun.

Your Maximum Leader also played a lot of catch with the Villainettes. He also went down to range and blew through 4-5 boxes of 9mm Makarov ammunition and probably 30 or so rounds with one of his trusty .303 Lee-Enfield rifles. The peice de resistance on the range was going through about 500 rounds with his Russian-made SKS (with pre-ban 30 round magazine and folding bayonet). It was quite liberating.

Other things done by your Maximum Leader (in list form)

- a one-day Jennifer Love-Hewitt film festival (okay, one film - the Tuxedo).
- a one-day Rachel Weisz film festival (your Maximum Leader has taken a shine to Miss Weisz - perhaps she will supplant J L-H as the official Sex Goddess of the MWO).
- religiously watched Iron Chef every night at 11pm.
- attempted to mentally work out an acoustic arrangement for Led Zeppelin’s “Trampled Underfoot” only to discover it is right nigh impossible.
- finally discovered that the Borg in Star Trek are really only smarter (and bustier) Cylons from Battlestar Galactica.
- watched lots of baseball, the Braves are beginning to look like they really do want to be in the postseason.
- determined there aren’t any moderate Muslims living outside the US/UK.
- listened to all 9 Beethoven Symphonies.
- celebrated the birthday of Mrs. Villain.
- celebrated the birthday of your Maximum Leader’s sainted mother.
- and read parts of about 50 books, completing none.

So, where does that leave us now?

Well, your Maximum Leader will try and catch up on what’s been going on tonight. Then he will opine some beginning tomorrow and continuing through most of this week.

Friday night your Maximum Leader and his family will be leaving the dark confines of the Villainschloss for a week at a plush mansion on the beach in Duck, NC. Alas that means that you all will have to go for another week with nothing from your Maximum Leader. He will leave it up to his loyal and capable ministers to opine in his absence.

Carry on.