Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was over reading JohnL’s fine blog when he saw this web-thingie to get your own battle cry. So, in a never ending quest to surpass the Big Hominid’s post total here is another stupid post…

According to this machine your Maximum Leader’s battle cry is either:

Or this:

Of course, your Maximum Leader already has a battle cy. If you recall it is: “Close your eyes!” He doesn’t need anything more fancy. After all, he was born of Time and Struggle, is Protector of the Realm and Vanquisher of the Other Kingdom, and is the prophet, sage, leader, and lover of you all.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader wants to relate to you a little incident of which he heard outside a movie theatre.

(Imagine Aussie accents if you will…)
Patron 1: G’day there mate. That was a pretty good film, eh?
Patron 2: Wha? Pretty good? Crikey! That was the best bleedin’ film you’re gonna see this side of Sydney.
Patron 1: I dunno mate. It was pretty good and all. But don’t you think that it wasn’t all it could be?

Patron 2: Whattya mean? It was artsy. There was plenty of violence. And it’s got that Jessica Alba in it. She’s hot mate. Really hot.
Patron 1: Sure. The film was entertaining, but it didn’t contain any of the required elements of an Aristotelian tragedy. In that respect, it didn’t adhere to a classical form; which as we call can agree is a requirement for superlative filmmaking.
Patron 2: What are you saying? You high?
Patron 1: I’m just saying the film is good. Not great.
Patron 2: I think you’re fuckin’ effete bastard. Who the fuck do you think you are mate? Roger-fucking-Ebert? You’re certainly fat enough to be.
Patron 1: Now there’s no reason to start cursing mate…

Patron 2: Whattya mean “there’s no reason to start cursing mate?” Of course there’s a reason. You’re fuckin’ mad. Mad. Mad. Mad.
Patron 1: Stop that now. I’m not mad. You’re provoking me.
Patron 2: Provoking you? Now you’ve gone round the bend my friend. Round the fucking bend.
Patron 1: Don’t say that. I’m just trying to say.
Parton 2: I don’t really care. Shut up.
Patron 1: I’m just trying…

Patron 2: Shut up.
Patron 1: No really, I’m…
Patron 2: No. Shut the fuck up.
Patron 1: I really don’t…
Patron 2: If you don’t…
Patron 1: But I…

Patron 2: Alright! You’ve ad it.

[Patron 2 bites nose off Patron 1 and flees into the night.]

Well… That’s what is might have been like anyhow.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that there can be serious cardio-vascular reprecussions for watching porn in India.

Stop snickering! Not that type of cardio-vascular reprecussions.

It seems police made nearly 200 men who were watching a porn movie were forced to do sit-ups in public to shame them. They were also made to promise that they would never watch porn again.

First off… Who knew that porn was illegal in India? You know with a population of nearly 2 Billion people you might think that they would want to encourage more masturbation and less reproduction. But that aside…

Who knew that doing sit-ups in public was shameful? That doesn’t seem so bad to your Maximum Leader. Now surely watching your Maximum Leader do sit-ups might not be that much of a joyful experience to you, but it doesn’t seem all that shameful to him. In India is there a cultural more about exercising in public of which your Maximum Leader is unaware? Are there no gyms or fitness clubs with large windows facing the street so that passers-by can gawk at the hardbodied patrons work out?

All-in-all, this story has made your Maximum Leader wonder more about that mysterious place called India. (Or in-jah for those of you who prefer the old British colonial pronounciation.)

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader loves “throw away lines.” You know the ones. The casually stated quip that is really funny and clever.

One of your Maximum Leader’s favourite throw away lines was delivered by Harvey Korman in History of the World Part 1. Korman was playing the Count De Monet in the Louis XVI part. After his catty (and heretofore unnamed) sidekick said something snide Korman turned and said, “Don’t get saucy with me Bernaise.” That is a great line.

Well. Your Maximum Leader was over on Phin’s Blog and he read a great throw away line. It is on the masthead right under the little fishy Phin. It made your Maximum Leader laugh.

Carry on.

UPDATE: Because Phin’s tag lines rotate (like your Maximum Leader’s) the one to which he was referring was, “Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that the Big Hominid is forecasting the rising of the crueler than Kali mistress that is this blog. Well, fear not… That black day is not yet upon you. Yes, for now the Big Hominid (and presumably the rest of you) may rest easier knowing that the day when Naked Villainy surpasses and far exceeds Hairy Chasms in the total number of posts published has not yet come. And it might not for a week or two.

Why you ask? Well, it seems as though the other various bloggers here aren’t posting too much over the summer. So there is that. And due to a confluence of odd circumstances it looks like your Maximum Leader will not be able to post quite as much as he would like.

Anyway, it shouldn’t be such a big deal. Of the 2052 posts on Hairy Chasms, the Big Hominid has written almost all of them. Of the 2044 posts on Naked Villainy he figures he’s only written about 60%. So that has to be worth something.

In other news… The Naked Villainy site redesign is coming along well. It shouldn’t be too much longer…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has, from time to time, in this space lusted after Giada DeLaurentiis. Although it looks as though Giada needs to eat a little more she is still pretty hot. This subject even became a discussion point for Brian as well. Indeed, Brian went so far as to say he would like to be the deli meat in a Gaida DeLaurentiis/Rachael Ray sandwich. Frankly, that is place your Maximum Leader wouldn’t mind being either.

Well… With that in mind…

Your Maximum Leader stumbled upon a open letter to Rachael Ray from a blog called “Blind Cave Fish”, but subtitled: “jess needs a spanking.”

Now your Maximum Leader can’t be sure, but depending on how cute Jess is and what it might lead to he might be willing to administer the spanking. If he cannot, well then he could always recommend Skippy.

Anyho…

Jess at Blind Cave Fish seems to think that Rachael Ray is not hot and should stop acting like she is. Well Jess. You are wrong. Rachael Ray is hot. Not only because she will wear a skimpy outfit for FHM magazine, but also because she would probably cook dinner for us in 30 minutes (in a skimpy outfit) and then gush all over us about how great sex with us is. Trust your Maximum Leader on this one. Cute girls who cook for you and then go on and on about how great sex was are great. To quote Paris Hilton, “That’s hot.”

Sure Rachael is a little overexposed (ahem). And she is almost annoyingly happy. But she is really really cute. And she looks like she’d be lots and lots of fun to hang with. And guys like cute, happy girls. Brooding ain’t sexy.

So Jess, lay off Rachael. She’s just being herself. And call your Maximum Leader if you really need that spanking.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that there is a review of the new film The Aristocrats on the Reuters news wire.

Thanks to a loyal minion, your Maximum Leader now knows the joke. And it turns out, he remembers seeing a comedian (forget the name) say the joke as he was bombing at a comedy club in Dee Cee circa 1989. Perhaps the reason he couldn’t remember the joke was that a) there are so many variations on the theme and b) he tried to blot out the memory of that awful comedian he saw so many years ago.

Without meaning to sound all hoi-polloi and effete, (though he is) your Maximum Leader wonders if this joke isn’t like comedian jazz. Have you ever seen sheet music for Jazz? It is a few measures to get things going and then to wrap up the piece. So from two sheets of music you might get 10-15 minutes of improv among the great musicians.

Perhaps “the Aristocrats” joke is the same. You have to *BE* there to get it. Because reading the transcripts of the joke don’t really do it for your Maximum Leader.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader must say that that fuali.com site is quite addictive.

That Diva’s Fight Club is fun. Your Maximum Leader would have to say that Lil Kim is probably the toughest of the bunch. But he’d pay money to see Lil Kim and J-Lo smackdown. Me-ow!

BTW… Your Maximum Leader has also just seen for the first time the Jessica Simpson video for her remake of “These Boots Are Made For Walkin’.” And let him go on the record… It stirred… Feelings… Powerful… Feelings… Not as powerful as Skippy’s feelings for Jess, but powerful nonetheless.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, in a desperate attempt to distract himself from other matters, has decided to go ahead and take a whole bunch of quizzes from over at fuali.com. Some suggested by Brian and others by the Llamas.

So. Your Maximum Leader will see your two, and raise you two.

I am 17% Hippie.

What? Am I a Republican? Why did I even bother taken this test?! I guess I??ll back to my George W. Bush fan club and tell them I just wasted 10 minutes of my life. At least I don??t stink, man.

Take the
Hippie Test
@ FualiDotCom

I am 5% Idiot.

I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom

I am 24% Geek.

I wanna be a geek. But I’m not. Why would I even want to be one. Do I think it’s fun? I should try writting an online test application at 1 am in my underwear

Take the
Geek Test
@ FualiDotCom

I am 50% Internet Addict.

I am pretty addicted, but there is hope. I think I’m just well connected to the internet and technology, but it’s really a start of a drug-like addiction. I must act now! Unplug this computer!

Take the
Internet Addict Test
@ FualiDotCom

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was speaking to his sainted mother last night. But before jumping in a little background may be in order. Your Maximum Leader’s sainted mother lives on the same street she grew up on. For many years the house up the street was owned by a brilliant man who’s wife loved gardening. She passed on in 1985 and he recently remarried and moved to a huge horse farm in the country. Before moving, he sold his house (and large lot) to a developer. His house was demolished. The wooded lot cleared. And now 3 “McMansions” are being built on the same spot.

Anyhow… When the old house was demolished, the basement of the house was exposed. And remaining in the basement of the now-gone house were racks and racks of gardening chemicals. They were purchased between 1949 and 1985.

Your Maximum Leader’s sainted mother worried that there might be unstable chemcials in the mix. She worried that any chemicals down there might be harmful if not disposed of correctly.

Your Maximum Leader on the other hand wondered if there was any DDT in the racks. Cause if there was, he’d go and get it.

Damn. Wasn’t DDT such wonderful stuff?

Okay. If you are Rachel Carson is wasn’t.

But stop and think for a moment. DDT eliminated malaria in the US. One of the biggest killers of Americans in the South - eliminated by one chemcial. You don’t hear much about malaria in the US. Because there isn’t anything to talk about. For that we should all thank the Rockefeller family and DDT.

DDT, when not overused, is a great chemical. And it is a much maligned chemical. Just read this piece from Junkscience.com Your Maximum Leader would love to get some DDT and fog around the Villainschloss this time of year to kill off the swarms of mosquitos coming up from the small pools in the woods near the Villainschloss. They breed so quickly. The frogs and such just gorge themselves on mosquito larve and still the little bloodsuckers just keep coming. And they are those nasty tiger mosquitos. The ones with the little stripes on them. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t remember seeing the striped mosquitos when he was younger.

But he’d bet that DDT would kill them.

Carry on.


Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader saw a neat Sorting Hat quiz over on Galley Slaves and decided to see which of the Hogwarts Houses he’d be sorted into.

Much to his surprise… Well… Sort of to his surprise he got:

I’m
a Ravenclaw!

He wasn’t expecting Ravenclaw… But that’s not too bad.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader must make a confession. He didn’t watch any of the Live 8 show(s). Well, that is not entirely true. He watched about 2 minutes of Annie Lennox performing “Why.” Your Maximum Leader has a soft spot in his heart for Ms. Lennox’s singing. He caught her singing while surfing; and watched until a commercial break. So, for the sake of full disclosure, he did actually watch 2 minutes of Live 8.

Why did he not view this great outpouring of compassion for suffering Africans? Well frankly it is because he feels that much of Africa’s suffering is self-inflicted. Until serious systemic and cultural problems are addressed by Africans there isn’t much hope of improving their dismal situation.

And the second reason was that your Maximum Leader can’t stand pontificating rock stars. He is happy to have bloggers, politicians, writers, commentators, news readers, reporters, and even Al Roker bloviate about “current affairs this” or “topical subject that.” But when movie stars and rock stars start telling your Maximum Leader that he ought to feel guilty about his living in wealth, freedom, and security in America, he wants to jump up and kick their soft teeth down their whiney throats. (If your Maximum Leader may borrow a phrase from the junior Senator of his fine Commonwealth.)

It seems as though some of the staff of The Hatemonger’s Quarterly have a similar idea.

Excursus: What would your Maximum Leader do with some of the Hatemonger’s Staff? Well, he would likely instruct them to ghost a few columns a week. He would also make sure they could work the words: plinth, contumelious, and feculent into at least one post a week. He imagines that Naked Villainy would also become much more funny…

When Barbara Streisand entreats your Maximum Leader to keep the Villainschloss at 78 or 85 degrees during the summer while her homes are “cold as meat lockers.” It offends your Maximum Leader’s tender sensibilities. (Okay, Babs isn’t a “rock star” per se. She is more a 21st century female non-slave-owning Thomas Jefferson…)

Bruce Springsteen being preachy isn’t pretty. Listen Boss, stick to “Jungleland” and “Thunder Road” and you’ll be okay. (”Reason to Believe” is okay too.) But all this political stuff has got to go.

Now surely your Maximum Leader recognizes that these people are citizens too and entitled to an opinion. But the fact that their celebrity gives credibility to their opinions is nauseating.

And don’t get your Maximum Leader started on Tom Cruise…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was made happy this morning. It has turned into a positively shitty week for him, so it was with great anticipation and relish that he went on the internet to surf some of his favorite blogs.

And while surfing he discovered that he made Skippy feel pretty. You know, your Maximum Leader is all about making minions feel pretty. Provided they swear fealty and unquestioning loyalty to him… But that is another matter.

(NB to Skippy: Thanks much for that link you sent me.)

Anyho…

This whole Rove/Wilson/Plame thing just keeps going doesn’t it? Now it seems that the source behind the source was Robert Novak. Plus Joe Wilson has said that his wife wasn’t a clandestine agent when she was “outed” by Novak.

So lets get this straight. Novak does investigating on his own. During the investigating, Novak discovers that Joe Wilson is a lying bastard who’s wife was a CIA person who may have pulled strings to get him sent to Africa to follow-up on the Yellowcake Uranium intel from the Brits. Novak tells Rove this tidbit. Rove passes this on to Cooper. And somehow Miller remains in jail for talkin about something to someone.

So from a legal perspective, it still seems as though Rove has nothing to fear. But the calculations are different from the political perspective.

Like Skippy your Maximum Leader still feels that Rove must go. As your Maximum Leader has said before, this is a matter of the Administration setting a high standard for behaviour. Now they have to follow through on it. Your Maximum Leader agrees with Skippy that political advisors (Rove in this case) who become political issues need to go. They can’t help you when they are the news.

Now once again, your Maximum Leader doesn’t think Rove did anything illegal. And frankly the more we are learning about this whole mess the less sure he is that Rove did anything that was even wrong. But the President said what the President said. He doesn’t need the political mess this whole matter is causing. Neither does your Maximum Leader think that he (Bush) really wants to start being viewed as a Clinton-esque parser of his own words.

That pretty much leaves one option. Ask (tell?) Rove to leave. Who knows? In a year or two he might come back. Or he might just link up with some Republican Presidential aspirant and decide to work his way back to the White House for another four years.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that Brian, at Memento Moron, has picked up the banner that your Maximum Leader so carelessly left on the field and has charged the enemy position.

Read his post about the “Tippler” v. Santorum kerfluffle. It is: I’ve Heard of Slow Burns, But This is Ridiculous

Your Maximum Leader agrees with the overarching point of people living in a permissive society (that is civil society) wind up having more permissive attitudes and that can taint their own behaviour. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t want to see a return to Puritanical dress and witch burning (nor he imagines does Brian), but having standards in society is important. We constantly see the erosion of general standard of behaviour and should wonder if by allowing people to do what they will we aren’t harming ourselves a bit too much.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t know how he missed this story. As you know, your Maximum Leader is a huge Elvis fan. So imagine his surprise and sadness when he read that Woman Who Made Elvis’ Favorite Dishes Dies.

Your Maximum Leader met Pauline Nicholson once in 1998. She was signing a book at Graceland. Your Maximum Leader happened to have business in Memphis and was making a little side excursion to the Shrine of Elvis. She was also interviewed extensively for a documentary done in the mid 1990s on Elvis’ diet and the “cuisine of Elvis.” Your Maximum Leader might still have the show on video somewhere. If he can find the title he will update this post.

Your Maximum Leader might have to make some fried peanut butter and ‘nanner sandwiches tonight in celebration of her life.

Your Maximum Leader doffs his bejeweled floppy hat in tribute to Pauline Nicholson (and Jonathan at Galley Slaves for the tip).

Carry on.