TO: All Good Citizens of the Realm
FROM: The Poet Laureate
RE: the possibly missing Maximum Leader
The Maximum Leader’s conspicuous absence from his own blog has led to feverish media speculation regarding his current whereabouts. Media elements are being contained and processed according to the SOP laid out in “Operation Impale Those Who Question.” The Mike World Order’s managed economy, now leaderless, is beginning to show dangerous signs of fluctuation. We are taking MWO currency off the untrustworthy precious-metals standard and pegging it to camel bladders.
Insidious reports that the Maximum Leader has been sighted prancing about in lacy thong underwear while belting out– in lisping falsetto– songs beloved of leftists are being thoroughly checked. The Poet Laureate’s Office suspects the reports will lack substantiation, though we acknowledge that leftists have shown themselves to be uncannily adept at (as well as unusually susceptible to) certain forms of mind control.
Our source closest to the Maximum Leader, known only as KatanaPenis, believes the Maximum Leader may be engaged in some form of sexual congress with human or nimal, perhaps as a personal test of endurance and self-worth. But since this source’s conjectures always center on the sexual and usually include some mention of bestiality, we are inclined to doubt Katanapenis’s contention.
The Poet Laureate’s Office’s best guess is that the Maximum Leader is visiting one of his many underground strongholds, either to admire his subterranean mushroom farms or to brutalize his collection of blind, thalidomide-warped, crack-addicted midgets.
Until the verifiable return of the Maximum Leader, we must change, with regret, the realm’s alert status from “Gollum” to “Saruman.” Martial law is now in effect, including a 6PM curfew for all MWO citizens under age 30. Because we are on high alert, it is entirely possible we may find ourselves at war with a neighboring territory for no apparent reason. “Saruman” status also means that people are, for the duration, no longer allowed to pass audible wind, and women must shave their armpits with an extra-fine razor at least twice a day.
Important: all pubic hair must henceforth be dyed red.
Every other day, citizens will be allowed the use of only three of their five senses. This measure was recently instituted by the Maximum Leader himself as a means of conserving his citizens’ brainpower in times of crisis. Masturbation is restricted according to the long-established 300-Stroke Rule, and both male and female ejaculate are to be collected in paper cups with the official MWO seal and sent immediately to the nearest MWO constabulary as liquid tribute to the Maximum Leader.
We all pray for the Maximum Leader’s safe and glorious return, whether from mushroom-admiring, midget-flogging, or thong-prancing.
HAIL THE MWO!
Poet Laureate
cc: Air Marshal, Minister of Agriculture
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