I’m so damn history-illiterate than I doubt I could even NAME ten presidents. Let’s see…

Eastwood?
Osbourne?
Chase?

Mortensen?
McKellen?
Rhys-Davies?
Astin?

Electra?
Aguilera?
Spears?

There, I did it. Barely. Whew.

Oh, wait– we’re supposed to provide reasons for our choices.

Eastwood: Shot a lot of people both in and out of office. Steely-eyed diplomacy. First president to threaten a Middle Eastern representative with an orangutan. I remember his slogan: “Deserve’s” got nothin’ to do with it.

Osbourne: If I recall correctly, his tenure was one big, drug-addled party. Great musician, terrible public speaker. Once bit the head off a bat. Now that’s a president! Vice President Eminem was a holy terror, his speeches laced with repeated references to bitch-slapping– bitch-slapping this or that country, bitch-slapping the “goddamn Senate,” and so on. Some people wisely pointed out, though, that VP Eminem’s repetitive, overly-focused style was reminiscent of Zen Master Gutei’s teaching method, in which all questions were answered by the raising of his index finger.

Chase: Fell a lot. Once shilled for Doritos, but the acting experience was a boon. Spent most of his presidency making people groan, but he’s fondly remembered, despite being something of a smartass.

Mortensen: Persuaded people to fight, even if he was only pretending and didn’t really like fighting. Pretty good with a sword. Bangeda few too many women, but we forgave him.

McKellen: Stood around looking all dignified. Introduced America to the, er, First Man. The only president who could transmogrify our enemies, though he tended to take long, mysterious absences from office, then spun tales of demon-wrestling. Liked all-white suits. Also liked manipulating metal objects from a distance, and once telekinetically rescued someone whose pacemaker was malfunctioning. Brought Shakespeare to the Oval Office. Once caused a scandal by dressing as a Nazi.

Rhys-Davies: Pugnacious, in-your-face leadership style. Pissed off all the right people and often seemed to be mocking Middle Easterners. Staunch advocate of Western civilization, and inventor of “battleaxe diplomacy.”

Astin: Kind of youngish and inexperienced, but good-hearted, earnest, and determined. Liked giving people piggyback rides. Followed the Clinton tradition and hung out at barbecues.

Electra: Famous for how she campaigned– not a single poster showed a picture of her face.

Aguilera: First president to masturbate in public during a speech. I recall being transfixed. And she brought facial piercings to the White House!

Spears: Her term was for the most part a cavalcade of artificiality, it’s true, but she did like to cry for the camera, and her third State of the Union address featured her humping a microphone.

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