Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader returned from Carl’s with Villainette #2 and our ice cream. He continued to listen to the radio station we had been listening to in the car. Apparently Saturday nights from 8-10pm is “80’s Night.”

The DJ played “Strut” by Sheena Easton. Your Maximum Leader must admit a guilty pleasure. He loved Sheena Easton. Oh yes… Sheena Easton… That lovely Scottish lass. He remembers waiting with anticipation to see her when she guested on “Miami Vice.”

He had to mosey on over to iTunes and pick up some Sheena Easton. (For all her music he owned was on LP and is long since gone… Sadly…)

Now he’ll be listening to “Morning Train,” “Strut,” and “Almost over you” until he drifts off into gentle slumbers…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader and Villainette #2 were going out for ice cream tonight. We were going to Carl’s. Which is the best place to get ice cream in these parts… But your Maximum Leader digresses…

So… A tune comes on the radio and Villainette #2 starts singing “Can’t touch this. Da na na na. Da-na. Da-na. Can’t touch this.” Your Maximum Leader starts to sing along… But the song wasn’t “Can’t Touch This.” by MC Hammer. It was “Superfreak” by Rick James. Your Maximum Leader almost blurted out “I’m Rick James, Bitch!” But he realized the audience and restrained himself.

He also turned the channel… In case Villainette #2 was trying to listen to the lyrics…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader and his lovely wife Mrs Villain got to talking about religion today. Here is a little bit for you to puzzle on…

Assume there is a God. Assume that there is some form of “afterlife” (heaven, hell, different planes of existance…).

Now… Start thinking… A person who has lived their whole life in accordance to their understanding of “God’s will” dies. A person who has lived a life in opposition to their understanding of “God’s Will,” but shortly before the moment of death recognizes the error of their ways and is genuinely contrite and seeks mercy. Are these two people accorded the same treatment in the afterlife? Should they be? Is this even a topic on which we should expend any thought whatsoever?

Mrs Villain was getting a little expasperated at your Maximum Leader’s take on this hypothetical. But it made for 20 minutes of interesting conversation.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader received this little bit of You Tube humour from the Air Marshal. It made him laugh. Your Maximum Leader presents it for your viewing pleasure.

Book One:

Book Two:

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader likes to think that in some things in life he is a winner. Now he can point conclusively to one area in which he has won.

Venomous Kate likes him. Or at least she liked his caption for her caption contest.

Your Maximum Leader never does well at caption contests. Whenever he sees one there had been three possible outcomes: 1) Someone else thought of his pithy caption; 2) He can’t think of a pithy caption; or 3) He has thought of a pithy caption, no one else has thought up a similar pithy caption; but something happens and he just forgets or neglects to write the caption out.

But this time he got his caption in and even won.

Your Maximum Leader would like to thank Kate, the Academy, his wife and kids, his extended family, God, his loyal readers who keep him going back to the PC (nearly) every weekday, the Green Bay Packers for a great season, Lola Astanova for being totally hawt and so very talented, David Lean for directing two of your Maximum Leader’s favorite three films, Julie the Barista for being so cute and always ready with a hot beverage, that girl he stood behind in line yesterday at Best Buy who kept dropping stuff out of her purse and would keep bending down and showing off her (non-Nakedvillainy) thong and shapely arse, that old guy who always sits on his front porch and waves at your Maximum Leader as he drives by…

(cue music)

…and Smallholder, and Smallholder’s great beef and pork…

(cue music)

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader spent waaaaay too much time trying to figure out a pithy title to this post. Then he got all sidetracked in a nearly vain attempt to make sure he got the quotation he did eventually use as the post title correct. All in all he wasted too much time on the least important element of what he wanted to say…

So, your Maximum Leader will get on with it.

Just as your Maximum Leader’s friend Skippy has found what he needs to be happy in life (and least for a few weeks); your Maximum Leader has found what he needs to be happy at least through November, and possibly – he should say probably – for the next four years. You see, your Maximum Leader had a revelation today while watching early returns come in from the Wisconsin primary. Allow your Maximum Leader to first restate a prediction he’s made. Senator Barack Obama will win the Democratic nomination for the presidency of the United States of America. He may not win it for a while yet; but he will win. It may not be pretty, in fact it will be bruising and nasty; but he will win his party’s nomination.

That means that this fall the race for the presidency will be an Obama/McCain contest. As your Maximum Leader has said before, he believes McCain will lose that race. But it is possible that McCain can pull off the upset (anything is possible). Regardless of the outcome your Maximum Leader will be pleased.

Yes, you read that correctly. Your Maximum Leader will be pleased with the outcome of the November election regardless of who wins it. Admittedly, he’d be more pleased if John McCain were to win. But his pleasure would be prolonged if Barack Obama were to win.

You are likely sitting at your PC (or Blackberry, or Mac, or whatever) and beginning to wonder what the hell your Maximum Leader is smoking. (Excursus: Nothing would be the answer. But if any of his Canadian friends were to get him some Romeo Y Julietta cigars – Churchills preferably – he’d smoke those.)

You see… It all became clear to your Maximum Leader. So very very clear.

As your Maximum Leader has written before, all Barack Obama really needs to do to become the next President of the United States is to run on a platform of “hope” and “change.” He will “change” the way Washington works. He will “change” the political culture of our nation. He will give everyone “hope” in the future. He will restore our “hope” for a better tomorrow. Change. Hope. Hope. Change. That is all he has to do. He will have won the hearts and minds of his countrymen by being upbeat, positive, hopeful, and young. Just look at how the pundits, media, and talking heads are practically ejaculating all over themselves about how Obama has gotten “the youth” of America to turn out and vote. Everyone wants to be cool. Everyone wants to recapture their own “youth” (except perhaps your Maximum Leader and other sensible people). People want to feel like they are a part of something bigger than themselves. Barack Obama is creating a movement where people can do just that. The movement doesn’t cost anything. Anything except your vote.

Now allow your Maximum Leader to go on the record and say that he’s heard before that the “youth” vote could make the difference in November. Allow him to state that the “youth” vote hasn’t amounted to diddly-squat ever in the history of US Presidential elections. He doubts it will make a difference this year either. But it is possible that it will. But regardless of how the “youth” vote goes, it is the “youth” vote that will give your Maximum Leader the greatest joy.

You see… Young people (and frankly some older people too) are all captivated by Barack Obama. They like him. They want him to win. And, worst of all, they are starting to believe him. They believe that he can change Washington. They believe that he can give people hope. They believe that he can deliver hope to all and make America a better place. As Barack Obama moves closer to his party’s nomination, they will believe more and more and more.

That is when reality will have them on the tracks in front of the speeding train called inevitability. Only unlike Neo, they will not escape.

You see… What is making your Maximum Leader so happy is that he will get tremendous joy when reality sets in and the dreams and aspirations of countless millions of his countrymen will be inevitably crushed. Crushed like bones through a grinder. Dreams ground down into a bitter powder and then swallowed without the benefit of water.

Oh yes… It will be glorious.

What the “youth” don’t seem to get (and frankly what some older people don’t get either) is that Barack Obama can’t change Washington. It is not designed to change. He can’t change the political climate in Washington – it is a closed system meant to run hot and nasty. He can’t deliver hope to the masses; because government doesn’t give out hope. Government is brute force and brute force is neither hopeful nor pleasant.

So let us say that Barack Obama becomes President. Over the first term (and who knows – perhaps two terms) of his presidency he becomes more and more ordinary. He becomes less transformative and more lackluster. He tries to fight the system, but the system eats people who try to fight it. The system hates hopefulness and it crushes your spirit to carry on. Slowly, oh so slowly, Barack Obama’s reality stops conforming to his rhetoric. And slowly, oh so slowly, the seeds of dreams he’s planting in the hearts and minds of so many become choked by the weeds of reality. The dream slowly dies and the youthful optimism that grew along with it dies just as surely.

And your Maximum Leader will laugh and laugh and laugh as it happens.

Of course, it is possible that age and guile might defeat youth and enthusiasm in November. A McCain victory over Obama would be a lightning strike that destroys the dream. Your Maximum Leader wonders if the suddenness of defeat would actually completely destroy the optimism that is being planted. Perhaps it would burn the exterior of the dream, but leave some trace of life down deep in a tap-root of hope. It is possible, this is all speculation of course.

Regardless of how it happens, slowly or suddenly, young people (and some old people too) will have to confront the reality that feel-good rhetoric rarely amounts to real-good politics.

Yes dear reader, it is going to be fun.

Carry on.

But if anyone cares, you can see me getting schooled by a neoconfederate over in the comments at Skippy’s casa.

Skippy, I apologize for threadjacking and feeding the trolls.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader wishes you all a Happy Valentines Day. May you all consume senselessly to stimulate the economy. And may all you men out there get gifts of flannel and other “stimulation” - if you catch his meaning…

(Wink. Wink. Nudge. Nudge. “Say no more.”)

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that the lovely Phoenix has chimed in on his recent Valentines Day post. Your Maximum Leader would like to get Phoenix and Mrs Villain together for a little while. Perhaps Phoenix’s love of firearms can somehow be transmitted to Mrs Villain. Alas, your Maximum Leader’s lovely wife is not a big firearms fan. Although we did go shooting at Nemacolin Resort not too long ago. She claims to have enjoyed it - although your Maximum Leader has his doubts.

And just in case you were wondering… Yes… Men do love flannel. It is special enough and sexy enough to be a Valentines Day gift. Frankly it is special enough and sexy enough to be a suitable gift any time. (Although your Maximum Leader would say that it is a better gift in fall and winter.) You know what is sexy ladies? Allow your Maximum Leader to tell you. The most sexy thing out there is (obviously) a woman wearing a Naked Villainy t-shirt, tank top, or even a Naked Villainy sweatshirt. If you are not going to wear the Naked Villainy swag… The NEXT most sexy thing out there for a woman to wear is her man’s flannel shirt. And just in case you aren’t clear on your Maximum Leader’s meaning here. The ONLY thing the woman should be wearing is her man’s flannel shirt. Since there might be chirren readin’ this here blog, your Maximum Leader will not go into further detail. But you can see where this is going? Can’t you?

By the way… Your Maximum Leader is fond of LL Bean’s (poorly named) Scotch Plaid flannel shirt in the Lindsay tartan. Your Maximum Leader likes Lindsay because his own clan is very close to Lindsay (but not Lindsay). He further says that the shirt is poorly named because “Scotch” is a distilled beverage and “Scottish” is the adjective that one would use to describe things from or invoking being from or like Scotland. So it should be a Scottish Plaid shirt…

Anyhoo…

Robbo also is on-board with disliking the consumerist spin to Valentines Day. But in good Robbo fashion he puts forth his assertion in true Oxford Union fashion. Speaking of the Oxford Union… Have you read about the recent presidential election held by the Oxford Union? Sexism. Racism. Voter irregularities. Good stuff… Go and read all about it.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader laughed at himself for the title of this post. As you surely know, the question in the title is that of Captain Ahab in “Moby Dick.” Your Maximum Leader is laughing to himself because whenever he thinks of “Moby Dick” he thinks of a line that he believes is attributed to Gore Vidal who said words to the effect of “‘Moby Dick’ is the greatest American novel; it’s just a shame that Herman Melville was not America’s greatest novelist.” That always makes your Maximum Leader laugh because it is so true.

Anyhoo…

This post really has nothing to do with “Moby Dick.” It has nothing to do with white whales. But it does have to do with another white animal.

The white stag.

According to the news wires, a white stag has been spotted in the wild highlands of Scotland. According to the article:

The rare white stag, from the red deer species, is believed to be among just a tiny handful living in Britain, according to a conservation group.

The John Muir Trust is now keeping the stag’s location secret for fear of poachers.

“To see him amongst the other stags was truly thrilling because he does look like a ghost: you do a double-take,” Trust Partnership Manager Fran Lockhart, who filmed the stag, told Reuters.

White stags are seen as a magical and powerful force in many mythologies.

The animal’s ghostly glow comes from a recessive gene which causes leucism, a condition which reduces the normal brown coloring in hair and skin. They are not albinos, which have red eyes due to lack of pigment.

In Celtic traditions, white stags represent messengers from the afterlife. Arthurian legend has it that the creature can never be caught — King Arthur’s pursuit of the animal represents mankind’s spiritual quest.

It is also said that for those who set eyes on the animal, a momentous moment is near.

Your Maximum Leader would like to see a white stag in the wild. He would especially like to travel to Scotland to see one. Alas, that doesn’t appear to be in the cards. This photo will have to suffice.

Beautiful animal.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that Valentines Day is coming up. While this day no longer has any significant religious connections in the mind of most people out there. St Valentine and St Patrick are the only two saints that have had their feast day transcend the spiritual and decend to the profane.

This is not to say that your Maximum Leader doesn’t like St Patrick’s Day. He does. He doesn’t need a reason to drink Guiness, but it is sometimes nice to have one.

St Valentines Day is a different matter. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t really like the societal requirements of Valentines Day. Cards. Flowers. Candies. Stuff. Of course, most of the gifts go in the male to female direction. Boys buy/do stuff for girls. So imagine what must be going through your Maximum Leader’s brain when he saw the headline What Guys Really Want for Valentines Day on his Yahoo home page.

Let’s see… What do guys really want on Valentines Day - according to some schmoe “expert” on Yahoo? Some crap about “Romance Lite” and “A Surprise.” Your Maximum Leader was going to cite some of the piece, but re-reading it seems to be draining the testosterone out of his system. The only thing the piece’s author writes with which your Maximum Leader can agree is that men want a steak on Valentines Day. Duh. Men want a good steak any day they can get one. Great jeezey chreezey. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

(Excursus: Your Maximum Leader can only partially agree with the “steak” comment made in the Yahoo piece. According to David Zinczenko - who by the way has a cool and manly name - even if the advice he dishes out is rather metrosexual, men want a steak at a place where their girl can also get something she wants. It has been your Maximum Leader’s experience that if you want steak you either do your own or go to a steak house. If your female companion wants chicken marsala or sushi, you - the man - ought to steer away from steak. The noteworthy exception being that if the sushi is served at a high-end Japanese restaurant that also serves Kobe (or Wagu) beef.)

So… Rather than taking your advice from some gammy-handed metrosexual on Yahoo here is some advice on what to get a man for Valentines Day from your (manly) Maximum Leader. At the top of the list is sex. Basically, men want sex. Frankly, the only reason that men play along with all the Valentines Day crap we have to put up with is the hope that we will have sex as a result of our largesse. Remember that women… Men like sex.

Second on the list (a distant second after sex we might add) would be flannel. Men also like flannel. Some men like it made into shirts. Some into underwear. Some into washcloths. But we all like flannel. (Your Maximum Leader has even heard that Tim Gunn likes flannel - he just hides his love of the fabric. BTW, nice typo on the Bravo page for Mr Gunn.) February is a cold month. Warm us up with a little flannel. Of course, if you are into giving flannel shirts you might model them for us - right before the sex.

After flannel is the othe important “f” gift, firearms. Men like us our firearms. Nickel plated. Chrome plated. Blued until they are dark as night. Or the ever popular gun metal grey. We all like guns. Hows about picking us up a nice shotgun, semi-automatic pistol, or classic revolver (no pearl handles, only pimps carry pearl handled revolvers)? We’d like it. We will even be happy to clean the guns with the remains of the worn out flannel shirts you got us a few Valentines Days ago…

If you aren’t up for sex, or flannel, or firearms how about lowered expectations? Men also like lowered expectations on Valentines Day. We are bombarded by chintzy jewelry stores who want to unload heart-shaped diamoniques and “forever” pendants. We are surrounded by teddy bear factories and florists who promise to have the most unique gift in the world for that special woman (and the SKU number for that unique gift is…). We heard about the friend of a friend of a friend who’s boyfriend whisked her off for a day of spa treatments - in Tahiti - just to prove how much he loved her on Valentines Day. How about lowering those expectations just a wee little bit.

Would a hug and a kiss be okay? Would it be enough to say that we chose you for who you are and that is the biggest step we are capable of?

No?

Well… Lucky for us American Express has no preset spending limit.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was lucky to get to the polls today. Indeed, he is lucky to be typing today… You see, influenza has struck the Villainschloss. Villainette #2 is rife with the pestilence. It makes your Maximum Leader very sad to see her suffer like this.

Villainette #1 and the Wee Villain are on tamilflu as a prophylactic.

Your Maximum Leader is hoping to avoid contamination…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, as he promised to do last week, did vote for Hillary Clinton today in the “Potomac Primary.” Or did he vote in the “Cheasapeake Primary?” The most confusing thing about this week is trying to figure out which moniker any particular news outlet will use in describing this day.

Your Maximum Leader was a little hard pressed to vote for Hillary. Even the thought of voting for her in a primary caused a touch of nausea in your Maximum Leader. The task was made harder when your Maximum Leader happened to run into two friends earlier. These friends are well connected Republicans who inquired of your Maximum Leader if he would be casting his primary vote for Mike Huckabee. (These friends sided for Huckabee very early on, and have been organizing for him constantly.) Since this little encounter took place in the local coffee house your Maximum Leader was going to see if he could parley his primary vote into a big Chai Tea… But in the end his promise to you, his loyal readers, kept him on his task. He let his friends know that he was not going to vote for Huckabee. They asked if he was voting for McCain, again he said no. They let the matter drop. They probably thought that your Maximum Leader was going to vote for Ron Paul. Or perhaps write in Steve Forbes. (Ah… How 1996 is that? Steve Forbes…)

So he went to the polling place and declared (only in front of the Election Board people - since he was the only voter at that point) that he would vote in the Democratic primary. One woman, whom your Maximum Leader thinks was a Republican observer on-site and may have recognized him, gave him a glance. If he didn’t know better, your Maximum Leader thinks she might have known that there was a very conservative snake in the Democratic hen-house.

Anyhoo…

Your Maximum Leader voted for Hillary. This is the only time in his life that he has pulled the proverbial switch for a Clinton. He never voted for Bill. He never thought he’d vote for Hillary. But there you have it. Tis done. Your Maximum Leader has done his part here in the Old Dominion to revive Hillary’s flagging campaign.

Now your Maximum Leader will revert back to his typical conservative self.

Carry on.

Stanley Mushnick looked across the street at the halal butcher shop. There were hardly any Muslims around. How did they stay open? The shop must be a front for terrorists. He should call the FBI. They’d check it out.

Gemal Al-Tariri looked across the street at the kosher deli. How many Jews could there be locally? How did they stay open? The shop must be a front for the mob. He should call the FBI. They’d check it out.

Special Agent Walt Grunwald got two calls. What were the odds of the mob and terrorists operating in this town?

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has been giving thought to the vote next week here in Virginia. As you know (unless you are living under a rock somewhere) that next week (Tuesday) Virginia holds her presidential primary. Your Maximum Leader wasn’t really sure, until today, what he would be doing in that primary.

Your Maximum Leader had said previously that he would likely support John McCain. But allow him to take a step back for a moment. Now that Mitt Romney has dropped out of the race, does John McCain really need your Maximum Leader’s vote? Also, your Maximum Leader hears that many evangelical Republicans (of which there are many in the Old Dominion) are galvanized to vote for Mike Huckabee. Your Maximum Leader has heard from more than one plugged in source that Mike Huckabee will give McCain a run for his money in VA - or even win outright.

So… What is your Maximum Leader to do? He could vote for McCain. But his vote may not matter much on the Republican side. Although Huckabee might pick up another state or two, McCain will win the Republican nomination.

Your Maximum Leader has decided to go to the polls on Tuesday and vote for a candidate who really needs your Maximum Leader’s support on Tuesday.

Yes… Your Maximum Leader will vote for Senator Hillary Clinton on Tuesday. He feels he must do his part to help John McCain get a Democratic nominee he has a chance of beating. Hillary is that nominee.

Sure your Maximum Leader would never dream of voting for Clinton (any Clinton frankly - and to be frank he doesn’t think he could vote for another Bush any time soon) in a general election. But in the primary this vote is an attempt at being strategic. Your Maximum Leader doesn’t believe that McCain can pull off a win against Obama. Clinton’s high negatives and general weariness with 16 years of Clinton and Bush with the possibility of 4 or 8 more years with another Clinton is easier to run against than a young and vital man who promises a fresh start (if not much else).

Carry on.