Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was browsing through the blogroll and stopped by TexasBestGrok. JohnL refers his readers to this post on the Rocket Jones site: Rocket Jones: 25 Things Men Shouldn’t Find Sexy, But Do

Your Maximum Leader probably shouldn’t have been drinking when he read it. He almost spewed hot tea on his keyboard.

And at the risk of being thought a perv… Your Maximum Leader wholly agrees with 23 of the 25 points. (Your Maximum Leader’s particular favourites are: 6, 10, 11, 19, and especially 22 & 24. Damn 22 & 24 are hot!)

Your Maximum Leader should also add that number 5 on the “Things that men should find hot but don’t” list is absolutely true.

Okay… This post was a little adolecent of your Maximum Leader… But he liked it.

Carry on.

My cousin the dairy farmer is frustrated with the increasingly stringent regulations about nutrient (read: manure) management. One of his favorite quotes is that while “city people” always blame farms for polluted water in Lake Geneva, that:

“The lake water was perfectly fine when there were 300 dairy farms and 10 houses. Now there are 10 farms and 3000 houses. The water quality is worse now. How can it be the fault of the farmers?”

I never argue with him on this point. But here is what I think.

Well, in 1940, there may have been 300 farms, but they generally had 20 to 30 dairy cows grazing 160 acres of land. Crops were grown rotationally around the property, but most of the land remained in sod. The cows, while walking, distributed their manure over the entire acreage. Since the sod absorbed water and prevented erosion and wash-outs, there was very little run-off.

Fast-forward sixty years. My cousin now has 1400 cows on 80 acres. The cows get a large share of their nutrients from grains and supplements, dramatically increasing the phosphorus content of their manure. 1400 cows produce a lot of manure - over 100 pounds per day per cow. So we are looking at 70 tons a day, or close to 26000 tons of manure per year. Since the cows are kept in confinement, their manure stays on concrete until a bobcat operator pushes it down the alley into a manure lagoon. The manure and all of its nutrients sit until the winter.

When crops are harvested for silage and hayledge, the manure is pumped into trucks and spread on the fields. Since the fields, particularly those previously planted to corn, are bare, there is nothing to prevent rainwater from washing the manure right down into creeks and into the lake.

Manure is a valuable addition to the land. I bring truckload after truckload of stuff donated by horse people to my garden every year. An organic system that does not use chemical fertilizers should shoot for five to ten tons of manure per acre per year. Given unlimited resources, many organic armers would love to go as high as 40 tons per year.

But one can go too high. If phosphorus, nitrogen, and potassium (the npk on your fertilizer bag) become to highly concentrated, they can “burn” plants and do them in. In an organic system, this is avoided by working in the manure bit by bit during the year, allowing the soil bacteria to incorporate the nutrients bit by bit.

In a mechanized field crop situation, the manure is spread at the very point that the soil bacteria is LEAST able to do its job - when it is cold. Bacterial action slows and finally almost ceases as the thermometer drops. And the manure is added all at once. So instead of being incorporated into the soil, it sits, frozen, under the snow, until the snow melts in the spring and drains all those nutrients into creeks and the groundwater.

So going back to the previous example, we have 20-30 cows dropping 350-500 tons of manure on 160 acres over an entire grazing season - averaging about 2 1/2 tons per acre. The bacteria begins breaking down each patty as it falls. When winter closes the pasture, the manure is set aside for spreading in the spring (one can drive wagons on sod).

The modern confined dairy, unregulated, might spread 300 tons of manure per acre - all at once. The manure has greater concentration of nutrients. It is spread in the winter so as not to disturb row crops, so bacteria doesn’t break it down so it can be held in the soil. bare earth allows the nutrients to leach faster. Snow melt accelerates the process. This is why state governments are beginning to require nutrient management plans so that overloading the carry capacity of the land is avoided.

This doesn’t even consider the fact that to make machine handling easier, the manure solids are mixed with liquid to form “slurry” so that it can be pumped through hoses. Sometimes the manure lagoons fail, spilling their poisonous contents.

Perhaps big dairy farms ARE responsible for water pollution.

But what do I know? As he would say, I’m just a city person.

Who knew that a simple little post about toads would generate so much interest?

For those of you who wish to sex toads at home, here is a step-by-step guide:

1) Make sure your toad is a toad. Many people seem to confuse frogs and toads. Frogs are moist, have smooth skin, and are generally found near water. Toads are dry, have bumpy skin, and are terrestrial except when they mate.

2) Pick up the toad gently, but with enough control so that it doesn’t squirm loose and splat itself on the ground. Hold the toad away from your body because they will attempt their standard defense mechanism:peeing on you. Toad pee is very acidic, and if you were a dog or predator, you’d drop the poor guy quickly. As it is, you’ll want to wash your hands after you are done sexing your toad.

3) Turn the toad over in the palm of your hand so it lays with its back down and its head between your thumb and pointer finger. Gently wrap your fingers around it’s body. Maintain enough pressure that it cannot squirm forward, but don’t squeeze it too hard either.

4) Turn your hand so the toad is right-side up in relation to the ground. Use your middle finger to stroke or tickle the toad’s belly. If the toad croaks, you have a male. If it does not, you’ve got a lady.

Nakedvillainy: Your one-stop-shop for crucial how-to information. Tell your friends.

UPDATE FROM YOUR MAXIMUM LEADER: Gordon, the Cranky Neocon, wrote back to say that he did get a squeak. So we know Gordon has a male. (NB to Minions: Read Cranky Neocon daily! Daily! Yes, every day. Okay… Every non-holiday weekday would suffice.)

Also, you know people are fighting for traffic in the blogosphere when the Llamas start elbowing their way into the whole domesticated farm animal millieu. All your Maximum Leader can say is, “Beware Llama-boys! Farm animal posts are the provence of the Smallholder! Remember, we’ve got pitchforks and inseminators and we know how to use them!”

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader caught an interesting headline off the wire a few days ago. The headline read: Paris is the City of Blight for culture-shocked Japanese.

It seems that Japanese moving to Paris are growing ill once they discover that not all French women are models wearing couture and Parisians are not as welcoming as the tourist information makes them out to be.

What your Maximum Leader would like to know is who does Paris’ media buys and advertising? Because if they’ve convinced a whole nation that Parisians are friendly and beautiful they must be damned good.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has learned some disturbing news. This news is positively villainous. It is fully deserving of becoming this week’s Friday Villainy update.

You Maximum Leader reads that LisaMarie Presley is selling 85% of Elvis Presley Enterprises to Robert F.X. Sillerman. At least so says Billboard Magazine and the Reuters News Wire.

For $100 million, Robert Sillerman gets pretty much all of Elvis Presley Enterprises (EPE). What he doesn’t get is Graceland itself, the contents of Graceland, and “Elvis’ personal effects.” Lisa Marie retains 15% of EPE as well as her father’s home and personal effects.

How do you tell someone that this could be a very bad idea? Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Your Maximum Leader would love to have you over to the Villainschloss to discuss this. How does one put this gently? You’re no Elvis Presley. You’ve got some talent. You’re sorta cute. And your Maximum Leader is willing to forgive you the whole Michael Jackson & Nicolas Cage thingies. (And while your Maximum Leader is fessing up about things… Your Maximum Leader would have dated you hard, even married you; if it meant he could get to go upstairs in Graceland. There… Your Maximum Leader has been more honest with you than was Nick Cage.)

But really Lisa… Do you think it is a good idea to sell off your dad’s likeness, imgae, movie rights, and music portfolio? Your Maximum Leader doesn’t think so.

So, loyal minions might we wondering to themselves, “What makes this so villainous?” Let your Maximum Leader explain. Robert Sillerman now owns the exclusive rights to GREATEST AMERICAN ICON EVER!!! How much more villainous can you get?

Really now. Think about this. Robert Sillerman “owns” THE KING. Possibly the most recognizable icon in all of Americana. And he can market “E” any way he wants.

Absolutely. Friggin. Brilliant.

Your Maximum Leader hears that the first major move will be an Elvis themed casino on the strip in Vegas. If that materializes your Maximum Leader will never set foot in Ceasar’s again…

Carry on.

Yeah, he’s balding, misanthropic, and caustic. And yes, he may have an unnatural obsession with Lindsay Lohan. And when I say unnatural, I say that with all the ideological fervor of a red-state fundamentalist who thinks the Taliban were too permissive.

But his political analysis is spot on.

Read here.

Why has the entire conservative world accepted, lock, stock, and barrel, the meme that the mainstream media is a liberal cabal seditiously slandering Republican candidates?

As Skippy shows in his post, the media is rather hostile to liberal candidates as well.

Hmmm. A press skeptical of government officials and candidates. The Republic is in peril!

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has started to write more on Christianity… But alas, due to your Maximum Leader’s busy schedule; lack of sleep has caught up to him. So nothing thoughtful tonight.

But before your Maximum Leader goes… He was following links and came across some questions answered by our much beloved Sadie. He enjoyed reading her responses…

There is more to blog about here… But your Maximum Leader can’t string together a cogent thought now…

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader would like to summon up the energy to rant on the subject of MLB move to Washington teeters on collapse.

But he can’t.

He would love to rain-down rants and vitriol upon the heads of Bud Selig and MLB owners for holding localities hostage to their own enrichment.

But he can’t.

He would love to laugh uproariously about the DC City Council who wouldn’t understand a good deal for the District of Columbia if it bit them on the arse.

But he can’t.

He would love to point out how MLB and the owners especially seem to do everything in their power to destroy every bit of enthusiasm a fan may have for the game.

But he can’t.

He would love to admonish the leaders of the District of Columbia for making deals they have no intention of living up to.

But he can’t.

Why can you Maximum Leader not summon up the strength to do all this ranting? Because in the end, Bud Selig, the MLB owners, and the District Government just aren’t work a warm bucket of piss. (To quote a famous Vice President from Texas.)

Move the Nationals to Vegas, baby!

Carry on.

We need more farmers ike this.

Folks who care about animal welfare, the environment, and helping family farms survive should support grass-baed dairying.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader likes to give praise (and glinting medals) to people who he thinks deserve them. Of course, most of the time it is your Maximum Leader himself who is most deserving of praise and medals. But it seems as though we have to occasionally spread the wealth to our panjandrum, the Smallholder.

Just as Aristophanes had his great hit “Birds” so the Smallholder must have his great hit “Toads.”

Let your Maximum Leader dip into the Minion Mailbag to see what readers are saying… The Divine Minion Molly writes:

Smallholder outdid himself with his Toad Post. I was LOL! I had several male gay friends in college and would go with them to gay dance clubs. They have the best music and drinks! I thought I was soooo liberal and open minded until a woman asked me to dance. I almost fainted, but I did decline politely and said I was with a guy. I later saw her on the dance floor and waved. I was kind of flattered because she was really pretty.

Ah Molly… This reminds your Maximum Leader of a time when he was out with the Foreign Minister. There was a club called “The Machine” were he liked to go and dance with friends. As your Maximum Leader has said before, he is not a dancer. So while the others were dancing, your Maximum Leader was holding down the table. While sitting drinking his beer, a guy at the next table struck up idle conversation with your Maximum Leader. We talked sports, the weather, some local events. He asked if he could buy the next round for us. Your Maximum Leader gladly accepted. Then we drank and talked more. Then your Maximum Leader bought a round for us. (All this talk was intersperced with interruptions from dancing friends returning to the table.) Finally, the guy looked over at your Maximum Leader and said, “Hey, would you like to dance?” Your Maximum Leader said (not quite catching on), “With whom?” He replied, “With me.” Your Maximum Leader, the dim bulb brightening, said that he was quite flattered but that he was more interested in the waitress wearing the spandex bodysuit and using syringes to shoot Jagermister shooters down his throat. The guy was very cool with it. We kept talking throughout the night. At the end of the evening, when he saw that your Maximum Leader was leaving he shook hands and said that your Maximum Leader was “really cool about the whole dancing thing.”

Another loyal reader, Gordon (the Cranky Neocon) writes:

I just wanted you to know what I was doing at 11:00 last night. I was rubbing my two toad’s bellies listening for a peep. We live near a pond and “adopted” them last summer.

You’re seemingly random musing actually performed a great service. And shut up, I am not a geek!

Thank you!

Well Gordon, your Maximum Leader is very glad that the Smallholder’s homespun, down-on-the-farm wisdom made your day. Of course you didn’t say if you got the peep. We are dying to know.

And your Maximum Leader should take this opportunity to plug Gordon’s blog, Cranky Neocon. If you aren’t reading it every day, you should be. It is, as billed, your conservative funhouse.

Congrats Smallholder! Toads is a big hit. Hell, keep this up and you’ll be a veritable Baxter Black.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, a great Wagnerian in his heart, commends to you Rachel’s latest “A Case for Wagner.”

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was out late last night. And frankly he’ll be out late tonight and tomorrow night too. So, there may not be as much time to blog (and to research Christianity) as he’d hoped.

Last night you might have seen your Maximum Leader on TV if you were watching the Wizards v. Miami basketball game. Your Maximum Leader was mistaken about one thing though. He was not 4 rows behind the Miami bench. He was four rows from the court directly across from the Miami bench.

Let your Maximum Leader say that he isn’t much of an NBA fan. But one could certainly get used to seeing the games from those seats. Your Maximum Leader could hear the players talking to each other. He could see the eyes of the players and see what they were seeing. It was incredible. And allow your Maximum Leader to say this as well, Shaq is big. Really really big.

Another benefit of the good seats is that one was up close and personal when the “Wizards Dance Team” performed. Upon seeing the “Wizards Dance Team” two words jumped into your Maximum Leader’s brain. Skank. Ho. Your Maximum Leader was close enough to the dancers, and their “costumes” were tight enough that he was pretty sure he could see the scars from boob-jobs. (As well as the thong lines in spandex.)

Well… That seems to be a little graphic for first thing in the morning…

So in other news…

Ludwig Von Beethoven was born this day, December 16, in 1770. Happy Birthday Ludwig. You’re among your Maximum Leader’s favourites. He may even play a symphony or two today to celebrate.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is running very busy today and will not be able to make updates as he would like to today. First off, he will apologize to the Smallholder for the “appeal to authority” point this morning. The Smallholder was not really doing an appeal to authority. But your Maximum Leader still maintains that the inclusion of the Google numbers didn’t really advance any argument.

First off (subpart a), your Maximum Leader believes he does have a copy of “Science and Health” in his library. (Which also includes The Book of Mormon; the Bible (King James, New King James, New American, some Pre-Vatican 2 version, and the NIV); the Koran (two different translations); the Tao-Te-Ching (2 translations); the Analects of Confucious (2 translations); and a host of other pan-religious writings.) He will attempt to verify quotes for the Smallholder.

Secondly, to answer the Smallholder again… The award was given to this site by the sexy and mirthful Sadie. At who’s request your Maximum Leader now publishes this meme thingie (which was completed last night):

Three names you go by:

Your Maximum Leader
The Maximum Leader
Mike

Three screennames you have:
nakedvillainy
naked villain
yourmaximumleader

Three things you like about yourself:
Wit
Charm
Enormous genitals

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
pudgy belly
pudgy belly
pudgy belly

Three parts of your heritage:
Scottish
English
More Scottish

Three things that scare you:
Smallholder covered in cow dung
Smallholder covered in sheep dung
Smallholder

Three of your everyday essentials:

Tea
A radio
The internet

Three things you are wearing right now:
Nakedvillainy t-shirt
Sweatpants (black)
Gore-tex slippers from Lands End

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment):
Cowboy Junkies
Tom Jones
Frank Sinatra

Three of your favorite songs at present:
Something More Besides You - Cowboy Junkies
Sexbomb - Tom Jones
It Came Upon a Midnight Clear - Frank Sinatra

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
Arrange for a weekend trist with Sadie in Vegas
Arrange for a weekend trist with Anna in Napa
Arrange for a weekend trist with Minion Molly in Vail

Thre things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
Honesty
Mutual Respect
Great Sex

Two truths and a lie:
I am a smart guy.
I am a married guy.
I am going to try for weekend trists with Sadie, Anna, and Minion Molly.

Three physical things about the opposite sex (or same) that appeal to you:
Eyes
Butt
Boobs

Three things you just can’t do:
Ski
Climb mountains
Dance

Three of your favorite hobbies:
Reading
Blogging
Fishing

Three things you want to do really badly right now:

Have sex
Go to London
Win the lottery

Three careers you’re considering:
Evil Scientist
CEO of Evil Corporation
Maximum Leader of the Mike World Order

Three places you want to go on vacation:
London
Bombay
Sydney

Three kids names:
Angus
Andromache
Winston

Three things you want to do before you die:
Compose an Opera
See the Villainous progeny grow up and be happy
Nail Jennifer Love Hewitt

Your Maximum Leader hopes this makes Sadie happy. Now your Maximum Leader is going to jum into the Villainmobile and dash off to Washington DC for the Bullets/Orlando Magic game. If you happen to like the NBA and plan on watching the game, you might see your Maximum Leader sitting behind the Orlando Bench about 4 rows back. He considers this the “Chair-Throwing Fan Zone.” If you are wondering why your Maximum Leader will be there, it is to assure that Shaq and your Maximum Leader are on the same page as to his role in the MWO…

Carry on.

I see that we have a new section on the sidebar. We appear to have won an award for “Most Naked Villains.”

Um, congratulations to us?

Has the Plan for the Mike World Order reached the stage in which we give each other medals?

If so, I hereby award myself “The Order of the Battle of the Cowshed.“

The Maximum Leader has already linked to Bill’s part of our group ponder.

A question for Bill:

If your definition of Christian requires belief in good works for their own sake and not as a prerequisite for salvation, does this exclude Catholics who hold that you need faith AND good works?

I enjoyed Bill’s post. It took me back to Missourti Synod confirmtation class.