“I’m a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four.”

When the Black Camel comes for me, I’m not going to go kicking and screaming - I am, however, going to try to talk my way out of it. “No, no, you want the other Walter Slovotsky.”

It’s better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all because then at least you’ve gotten laid.

In the interests of full disclosure, I’m married, with two kids. I have a fairly normal relationship, which means we don’t always get along, but we “keep it real” to use the vernacular. But at various points in my life, I’ve done the lonely hearts thing and the broken hearts thing. Personally, I’d take broken heart. At least there’s a cause there, not a vague uneasiness. Anger vs. emptiness. And with a broken heart, after a breakup at least you get taken out drinking a few times.

Of course, for most of the guys on NakedVillainy.com, a broken heart at this point means litigation, custody battles, lawyer’s fees, and psychiatric bills for the kids. So lets hope this is all behind us.

To begin with, I’m going to assume we’re talking single folk here. Secondly, my experience is with hetero couples. Not making any judgments here. I’ll leave pompous, arbitrary and absolute moral judgments to Max Leader. I’m just staying with what I know.

I think for most of us, romantic life goes in phases. You have times when you are actively dating, or in relationships, and times when you aren’t. So most of have had a broken heart or a lonely heart at one time or another.

As for broken hearts, people deal with it in different ways. You have the people who want to jump right back on, and you have the people who need time to purge the hatred and resentment out of their system before they can trust someone of the opposite sex.

But I’ve noticed several recurring themes in people who fall into the “Lonely Heart” category.

Consider the female perennial lonely heart. We all know the type. “Why can’t I ever find a man?” “All the good ones are taken.” Most of the time, from my experience, women who are consistently lonely hearts suffer from one of several maladies. I’ll look at two common ones.

First of all, you have the woman with absurd standards. Forget the standard “all I want is a guy with a sense of humor” crap. That series of lines is what she wants to want. Her guy has to be absurdly smart, and witty. He has to have movie star looks, with an edge. He has to have an incredibly successful career, though he can drop work at a moments notice to follow her whim. He has to be able to read her mind, so that he can give her what she wants, without her asking for it. He has to get along with her mother. He has to be hung line Ron Jeremy, yet not look like Ron Jeremy. He has to be able to give her multiple orgasms on demand, yet never ever ask for sex when she doesn’t want it. He has to love Nora Ephron films, and he absolutely hates video games, because he’d rather spend time doing whatever she wants to do.

If you fall into this trap, I have news for you… that guy DOESN’T EXIST. GIVE UP. Look in the mirror. That’s where the problem lies, not with the men of the world. Causes vary. Maybe it’s her mother.

Secondly, you have the piners. These females think that there are no men out there for them. They think that all the single guys have something wrong with them, or else they wouldn’t be single. Hey, babe, if that logic holds, then it works in reverse true. The corollary applies to you. So then you hear the “I wish I had a man like yours” when they talk to other friends.

As a guy, these women come out of the woodwork hen you are in a relationship. These are the women who flirt with you incessantly when they know you’re dating their friend, yet these same women wouldn’t give you the time of day when you are unattached. Despite a world of romantic opportunity in front of them, these women are lonely and unhappy.

Of course there are male lonely hearts too.

First, there is the guy version of the absurd standards case. Except in the guys case it’s a bit more simple, yet just as contradictory. It’s the whole whore/Madonna thing. This guy wants a woman with a drawer full of sex toys, lube on tap in the bedroom, the flexibility of a gymnast, and oral skills that rival the greatest of Porno stars… but she’s a chaste maiden who has acquired these skills without practice, and finds our virginal, acne ridden, 35 year old hero attractive.

Don’t know what to tell you. The real world is pretty fun if you give it a chance. If you prefer video’s and Kleenex to real women, that’s your issue.

Guys have a peculiar variant on the piner. This is the guy who thinks of himself as so studly that his current girlfriend is never good enough. I think this falls into the lonely hearts category, because although he’s technically attached, he doesn’t think of himself this way, and this guy is truly lonely in the sense that he’s never happy. This is the guy who always finds something wrong with his girl, yet is almost never without a girlfriend. The technical term for this guy is “asshole.” Yet women seem to fall for him.

For more Men’s Club entries check out Phin, The Wizard, and later this week, Puffy.

For the Demystifying Divas hop on over to Sadie, Chrissy, Silk, Kathy, and Pam.

Who would have thought

ps
As to the Midgets Lions: Darn! But unlike the Democrats, I really didn’t want it to be true. I guess I loose my press credentials now.

back to the skies…

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that the Llamas have posted new quiz result. Your Maximum Leader will pile on.

And allow your Maximum Leader to state on the record that some of the question for this quiz made him laugh very hard.

Carry on.

Rob, of course, knows all about a href=”http://www.georgetownheckler.com/collar.html”>people like this.

Come to think of it, when I visited the Minister of Propaganda at Yale, he did make me wear a polo shirt before we could hit the party scene.

I didn’t realize that the popped collar was so important. I just thought he was being pretentious, particularly because we all knew we were going to slam those Heinekins at Demery’s and end up in the gutter in our underwear.

On a totally unrelated note, I recently stumbled across the Minister of Propaganda’s application to Yale. It’s on the World Wide Web! I found his English teacher’s recommendation here.

I think Sadie will be shocked that she has been flirting with someone whose real name is “Percy.”

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader may only post infrequently the first few days of this week. Lots going on he fears.

But he did find an article that is completely beyond the pale and must be commented upon. From James Joyner at Outside The Beltway we have: China Bans Naked Sushi.

Damned Communists Rat-Bastards!

Next thing you know they’ll want ban beer ads showing scantilly clad “spokesmodels.” Humm… Do they even have beer ads in China? Well, if they did they wouldn’t be interesting. Not like “Tastes Great” or “Less Filling.”

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sat down with a mug of hot tea to watch Meet the Press. (As is his sometimes habit on Sunday morning.)

Alas, it was not nearly as entertaining as he’d hoped.

Dean did sound clear and articulate when discussing how he would repackage Democratic “language” about Abortion. No changes to their position, and no real discusion of the underlying ethical issues that are the root cause of so much of the debate; but softening the tone and trying not to alienate religious Southern voters.

Other than that one brief fleeting moment, Dean didn’t make your Maximum Leader feel confident that the Democrats are going to even vaugely try to make it competitive in ‘06 or ‘08.

Some statements that your Maximum Leader thought were comment worthy:

1) Dean talking about the filibuster in the Senate as a great democratic (small “d” intentional) institution. H! It is the most undemocratic tradition in our Republic. It serves a very useful role in many cases, but it is hardly democratic.

2) Your Maximum Leader liked it when Dean said that Republicans were going to start their complete takeover of the Republic by eliminating the judicial filibuster. The next step would be getting rid of the filibuster all together… Yeah… Sure Howard…

3) Your Maximum Leader sat slack-jawed as Dr. Dean went on to discuss how one party shouldn’t control Washington. It was important (to Dean) to have a vigourous miniority controling at least one of the three elected institutions in Washington. By this your Maximum Leader surmised he was either a) discussing his endoresment of Bernie Saunders and his desire that the Socialists would be the new “second party” in America or b) begging Americans to throw the party a bone somewhere. (Couldn’t we at least have the Senate? Please Red State America? Just the Senate…)

What the hell is his job? Last time your Maximum Leader checked he thought it was Dean’s job to get a Democratic majority. After listening to him this morning this must mean he really just wants the Presidency and the Senate. It is important for the health of our Republic that some other party (Socialists preferably) control something…

4) Dean said that Democrats were happy to join President Bush at the table to talk about Social Security. President Bush has said that he would like to talk to the Democrats about Social Security. According to Dean, the President has to stop all this nonsense about privatizing accounts before the Democrats will talk. The President says he wants everything on the table. Don’t expect any talking any time soon.

5) At one point Dean said that Republicans “out manipulated” Democrats in the last election in defining issues and debate. That was an interesting way of putting it. “Out manipulated.” Your Maximum Leader likes it. He’ll try to make a note of that one.

6) Dean made a big deal about how the Democrats were going to have paid staff in every voting precinct in America by the 2008 election. He said that he was going to make sure that the Presidential race wasn’t going to be a 7 month effort but a 4 year effort.

That is so reassuring… <sarcasm>Just what we all want. Continuous electioneering for President. That will make all Americans happy and more informed. You know up to this point most voters have thought that if only politicians would be in full bore campaign mode all the time they’d have more reason to “tune in” to what was being said…</sarcasm>

Anyway. Your Maximum Leader didn’t get the chuckle he was hoping for from Gov. Dean today. But heh… Your Maximum Leader still has his Wagner Operas to cheer him up.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, much to the dismay of Mrs. Villain and the Villainettes, is monopolizing the HiFi today. Why you may ask yourself?

Harumph!

Today is Richard Wagner’s 192nd birthday. He wonders what they are doing at Bayreuth to celebrate.

So far today your Maximum Leader has listened to Tristan Und Isolde. He thinks he might also put on some selections from Parsifal, and Der Fliegende Hollander before the day is done.

Your Maximum Leader is a great Wagnerian. At least insofar as his music is concerned. He is something of a despicable man on so many different levels. But he could write the hell out of a opera. Your Maximum Leader once had a very lengthy discussion with a British Literature Prof and a Music Prof at college comparing the epic nature of Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” and Wagner’s “Ring” cycle. It was precisely the type of esoteric scholarly discussion that is too often missing from the modern academy.

Anyho…

Happy Birthday Richard! Your Maximum Leader will start making plans to get to Bayreuth in 8 years for your 200th.

Carry on.

Turns out the news article about the 42 midgets being mauled by a lion in a Cambodian cage match is a hoax.

Are you having a Newsweek moment, Foreign Minister?

Now if only the same could be said about John Bolton’s nomination as UN ambassador.

Believe.

UPDATE FROM YOUR MAXIMUM LEADER: Sad. Very Sad. Your Maximum Leader suspected as much because he couldn’t find the article on the Beeb’s website. But he didn’t bother to investigate the matter further.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is very pleased to report that the first ever Jawapalooza was a rousing success. He was happy to meet many bloggers. Of course there was Dr. Rusty. Also attending were: Dr. Leopold, Gordon the Cranky Neocon, The Demosophist, BRD of Anticipatory Retaliation, and the great James Joyner of Outside the Beltway.

Great fun was had by all. It was a pleasure to put names and personalities to bloggers. Your Maximum Leader is particlarly pleased to have heard these great bloggers speak. He will now “hear” their voice when he reads their blogs. That is always fun, because up until this point as he read My Pet Jawa he always heard Jawas in his mind.

Your Maximum Leader would like to go into more lurid details as to the level of revelry during Jawapalooza. But you know, like Vegas, what happens at Jawapalooza stays at Jawapalooza.

Although your Maximum Leader will admit that he was the “geezerly” one who started to break up the party well after midnight. Being Maximum Leader requires that one get some sleep from time to time…

Carry on.

I was planning on seeing Revenge of the Sith this coming Wednesday at a local premium theater called The Arclight: I could avoid the opening weekend insanity, the seats are assigned, and there’s a decent bar in the complex where some friends and I could enjoy a few drinks before sitting down for the movie. Unfortunately, I got a last minute work offer that’s going to keep me busy for the next few weeks, so my viewing of the saga’s conclusion (nevermind the episode order) is delayed. In the meantime I’m avoiding spoilers and chatty friends, while setting up a huge battle story in my living room with all the old Star Wars toys just like I did when I was eight. In truth, I suspect the storylines I developed as a child were probably more personally satisfying than anything Lucas has done with episodes I, II, or III (I hated the first two). Yeah, Lucas is going to get my money, but it doesn’t mean I won’t be snippy about it.

Believe.

While not a true Star Wars nut, I am a fan. I liked Ep III. I thought some of the dialogue was pretty bad. The Foreign Minister is right, in that FX aren’t the big deal they once were because the state of the art is so advanced. But Lucas can be a master at visual storytelling, and he’s at his best at moments in this film. This aspect was completley lacking in EpI, and Ep II felt like a dress rehearsal.

I agree with the FM that I would put EpIII just behind Star Wars and Empire.

the problem with Star Wars is that fans of my generation are those of us who fell in love with Star Wars in the summer of 1977 when it came out. We tend to view it through the lens of nostalgia and see it as something more than it actually was. Star Wars was a fun, unconventional, visually stunning summer movie. I think Lucas has far less depth to his story than we hoped. His world certainly can’t hold a candle to the depth and complexity of Tolkien’s Middle Earth. And because of the timing of Peter Jacksons LOTR films, and Lucas’s I, II and III, those two worlds set themselves up for comparison. Scratch the surface of Middle Earth, and you find a complex and layered history and mythology that goes deeper than most fans will look. Scratch the surface of Lucas’s universe and you find he hasn’t thought beyond the imagery of the film most of the time.

What I find most interesting is how Lucas has come full circle. The “fresh” thing about the first film was it’s vision of a black and white universe. Good and Evil. The Evil Empire and the Good Rebels. No room for shades of grey. I’ll leave the historical comparissons to all the historians here. I challege Max Leader to ruminate on this paragraph, and post a historian’s take on it. The thing about Ep III in particular is that it takes the position that everything is shades of grey, and there are no absolutes. Lucas revels in moral ambiguity here but the story doesn’t have the depth to have anything really revelatory to say about it.

anyway, in a nutshell I liked this film a lot. It had it’s weak and stupid points, but so do all Star Wars films. I think it’s a nice wrap up to the series. Not a kiddie movie, though.

good points about Ep III. (potential spoilers)

- the first 20 minutes, one extended action sequence, is a tremendous opening for the film.

- The visual aspect of the storytelling is finally up to the bar he set with the first film, almost 30 years ago. This film has some stunning visual moments, and I’m not talking about FX.

- Palpatine/The Emperor. Great character, great villain. Some great dialogue. He gives some good lectures on the nature of the Sith (which geeks like me eat up) and is one of precisely two good performances in the film.

- Ewen McGregor (sp?) as Obi Wan. Not quite given the dialogue that Ian McDairmid (Palpatine) was given, McGregor does a great job as Obi Wan. The reluctant action hero. He comes accross as a guy who can really kick ass, isn’t afraid to, but doesn’t really want to. Unlike Annakin, who they keep telling us is so powerful without really convincing us, Obi Wan comes accross to the audience as a powerful Jedi via the story.

- Yoda. Just a cool character. Yoda is proof that a cgi character can work in a film in a major role.

- The final duel. The Annakin/Obi Wan duel has been one of the key moments in Star Wars mythology. now that it’s finally on film, I think it lives up to all our expectations.

- General Grievous. Jst a cool secondary villain. Another fun cgi character.

- (SPOILER) The moment where the Clones turn on the Jedi. This sequence blew me away. Just emotionally powerful in a way I didn’t know Lucas could pull off. The fate of the younglings is also the moment for me that Annakins fall became real.

- The last scene in the movie.

bad points

- Padme/Annakinn. No chemistry, dumb dialogue.

- Hayden Christiensen/Annakin. Poor guy has not much to work with. lame dialogue, and his motivation for falling is kinda clumsily handled.

- the death of Padme/birth of Luke and Leia. Dumb dialogue.

- The rise of the suited Vader. While this moment contains a briliant visial moment, where you see Annakins eyes fill with fear as the mask lowers to cover his face, when Vader gets off the table, he’s lumbering like Frankenstein. Some loved this. I thought that at this moment of the story, humor was inappropriate.

I rate it 3rd behind Empire Strikes Back, and Star Wars. I was 10 when the first one came out but Return of the Jedi and all its commercialism kind of turned me away.

I go to see the movies when they come out but do not own a single SW DVD or tape.

It was all tied together, and there is a lot of movie to sit through. But overall i was not too impressed.

Special Effects are so good nowdays that we don’t even question the realism anymore. They have gotten away from writting a good story and think that they can just wow us with having 113 different space ships flying around on the screen at the same time.

Yes thats cool, but ot that much different than the 68 space ships that they had flying around at the same time in the previous episode.

Just my opinion… what did you die-hards think of the movie?

Oh by the way, if you have a broad band connection do yourself a favor and check this out!.

No, you most certainly may not come to set.

Ha ha ha! Jaime will be mine - all mine, and mine alone!

HA HA HA HA!

Heh, whew.

hmm

Okay, maybe.

Believe.

The Minister of Propaganda needs to get a job with this show.

Can I come to the set?