Monty Python on the Iraqi “Insurgents”

COMMANDO XERXES: What exactly are the demands?

REG: We’re giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State, and if he doesn’t agree immediately, we execute her.

MATTHIAS: Cut her head off?

FRANCIS: Cut all her bits off. Send ‘em back on the hour every hour. Show them we’re not to be trifled with.

REG: And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail!

COMMANDOS: No blackmail!

REG: They’ve bled us white, the bastards. They’ve taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers’ fathers.

LORETTA: And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers.

REG: Yeah.

LORETTA: And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers’ fathers.

REG: Yeah. All right, Stan. Don’t labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?!

XERXES: The aquaduct?

REG: What?

XERXES: The aquaduct

REG: Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that’s true. Yeah.

COMMANDO #3: And the sanitation.

LORETTA: Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like?

REG: Yeah. All right. I’ll grant you the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done.

MATTHIAS: And the roads.

REG: Well, yeah. Obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don’t they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads–

COMMANDO: Irrigation.

XERXES: Medicine.

COMMANDOS: Huh? Heh? Huh…

COMMANDO #2: Education.

COMMANDOS: Ohh…

REG: Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.

COMMANDO #1: And the wine.

COMMANDOS: Oh, yes. Yeah…

FRANCIS: Yah. Yeah, that’s something we’d really miss, Reg, if the Romans left. Huh.

COMMANDO: Public baths.

LORETTA: And it’s safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.

FRANCIS: Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let’s face it. They’re the only ones who could in a place like this.

COMMANDOS: Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

REG: All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

XERXES: Brought peace.

Overdue Feedback

There have been several comments/posts that I have left hanging.

Minion S asked the Maximum Leader about tax policystrong>.

The Maximum Leader has it partially correct. As usual. The part about which his opinion overlaps with mine.

Tax cuts for the wealthy can lead to long-term economic growth by generating additional investment. However, if the tax and economic scales are tipped too far towards the Thurston Howell Yacht Club, the economic growth will fail to materialize because of a reduction of consumer demand.

Tax cuts for the middle class and lower class are generally acknowledged (even by the Great Guru Greenspan) to generate a short-term boost to the economy because common folks are more likely to go spend their tax refund on a new computer or a nice vacation. Some might argue that trickle-up works better than trickle down - the rich will benefit in the long term because the new consumer demand will fuel the expansion of business and drive job creation.

You can guess where your progressive Smallholder comes down: Middle-class and lower-class tax cuts give a more immediate boost to a lagging economy AND also drive long term growth.

A post for a later date will be a discussion of how discussions of tax policy and the Laffer curve often erroneously assume that economic calculus is the only (or even primary) influence on corporate chieftans’ work ethic.

The BigHo asks about the right-left continuum.

I find that it is better to think of the right-left continuum as a horseshoe rather than a straight line. The ends of the horseshoe almost touch at “dictatorship.” It seems to me that the further a political position gets from the natural inclinations of man, the greater the government authority required to force him to conform. Moonbat leftists looking for the dictatorship of the proletariat are pretty similar, when you get down to brass tacks, to the right wing theocracy nuts. The only real difference between their visions of 1984 are the color of the drapes.

And, just so you don’t think I’m ducking the second part of the question: Darth Vader is a right-wing fascist. Ordnung im der Force!

BigHo - Now Angst-Free!

BigHo, turning introspective (but not, I repeat, not as the result of angst), tells us about being an Introspective Intuitive Thinkinging Judgemental person.

This is interesting, because your humble Smallholder is an INTJ as well. BigHo and the Minister of Agriculture - blood (personality type-wise) brothers.

To celebrate our newfound kinship, I offer these haiku to the Poer Laureate:

INTJ Men
Smallholder and the Big Ho
They are hefty too!

Organic farming
One wonders: shall the twain meet?
Vulgar poetry

Batesville Virginia
T’aint so very far from
Se-oul Korea

Seriously, I send out good thoughts and prayers for the Big Ho’s job search. He is even considering (highly paid) stateside gigs.

You know, I can’t do the highly paid part. I can’t even do the paid part. But if worse comes to worse, buddy, I can give you room and board in return for manual labor. You’ll lose weight AND we don’t have to tell your student loan holders where you are.

UPDATE FROM THE MAXIMUM LEADER: As unlikely as it sounds, your Maximum Leader is also an INTJ. Wow! Three on one blog.

Mobocracy Redux

What exactly did the Government Reform Committee accomplish in its investigation of steroids in baseball?

A bunch of politicians got their faces on ESPN, appealing to Joe Sixpack.

Friggin’ democracy.

A Word of Advice

I have gotten several e-mails from folks about my apple grafting post.

Gratified that others find farm life as interesting as I, I offer the following advice:

When scratching your goat’s chin and teling him what a good goat he is, try to avoid letting him sneeze directly into your open mouth because goat snot comes in little slimy pea-sized globules that cling to the roof of your mouth.

Or so I’m told.

The Founders Were Right To Distrust Mobocracy

This was the FIRST special session of Congress in 56 years.

To pass a law to “save” a woman who died fiteen years ago.

A law that is patently unconstitional as a bill of attainder and a violation of the equal protection of law.

But the law doesn’t actually do anything.

It allows a federal judge to review state court rulings. The federal judges will uphold the state court rulings - which were all solid and proved immune to challenge. As a matter of medical fact, Schiavo is brain dead. As established finding, Terri would not have wished to be kept alive. Even barring her wish, if she did not express a wish, her husband has the decision-making authority. None of those issues are open to legal dispute.

So essentially we have the picture of our federal government posing for the mob as if they were taking action.

I can’t wait for the Mike World Order.

I’m Getting Old

To explain how the Transcendentalists were distrustful of reason divorced from personal introspection, I offered my students the following analogy:

Locke is to Spock
as
Transcendentalists are to Kirk

A girl raises her hand: “Who is Spock?”

Foiled

Attention cabal members:

The Maximum Leader has returned.

Obviously, our geisha assassin failed to achieve her objective.

The coup will be rescheduled later.

Resume your faux minionly ways.

Bears and Cars

Several months ago, one member of our blogosphere had/saw a collision with a black bear while driving over Afton mountain. I can’t remember who it was.

At any rate, I have an update.

I took my daughter on a tour of the Virginia Wildlife Center in Waynesboro, Va., yesterday. We toured the facilities and learned how they help injured wildlife recover and eventually return to the forest primeval.

They had a bear. The bear had been hit by a car last fall and was slowly recovering. Remembering (dimly) the bear discussion in our blogosphere neighborhood, I asked if the bear had been hit near Afton. The volunteer tour guide only knew that it came from the local area. So it could be the bear in question.

UPDATE: It was Rick over at Brutally Honest. See here.

Schiavo.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader sees that in his absence there has been a big spat of posting concerning Terri Schiavo. Many have chosen to respond to the thoughtful posts of the Smallholder on this topic. And the AP news wire shows that a federal judge is determining if the feeding tube should be replaced.

Your Maximum Leader hopes to write something more thoughtful on this subject later today. Until then allow him to go on the record with his feelings of total disgust at our Federal Government in this matter. While this is a grave and serious issue, it is a grave and serious issue for the state of Florida and the families involved. It is not, under any stretch of the imagination a federal matter.

Carry on.

He Returns

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has returned to the Villainschloss. Well… To be quite honest, he returned on Saturday. But various family responsibilities kept him pretty busy all weekend. (Not to mention that he needed time to allow his liver to recover…)

Vegas was reat. In keeping with his own (and the Las Vegas Tourism Bureau’s) motto, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” it must suffice to say that he had a great time and did enjoy himself while he was away.

Your Maximum Leader will need some time to get back into his routine, so anticipate light posting over the next day or two.

Many thanks to the Smallholder, Sexy Sadie, and the Big Hominid for their posts in your Maximum Leader’s absence.

Carry on.

Any way to search the Achives?

I would love to revisit the old posts about how the Neo-Cons got it all wrong and that Freedom and Democracy in the Middle East is impossible.

This is so reminiscent of how Communism in the Old Soviet Union would never be defeated. It’s a good thing we had a president with vision then, and isn’t it great that we have one NOW?

And, have all those whining Democrat lefties who vowed that they were going to move to Canada gone?

Maybe our friend over at “Enjoy Every Sandwich” can shed some light on whether there has been an increase in the shoplifting in his stores.

Been bunkered in with the new wee one and is still trying to juggle my time.

Back to the trenches

50 Years Ago

Yesterday, my dad sent out this e-mail to his friends:

Can you remember what you were doing fifty years ago today?

I can. I was marching down Broadway in San Diego CA with the 2nd Battalion, 5th Marines as we were welcomed back by a cheering crowd as heroes from Korea.

Times have changed.

I’m proud of what you did for the country, Pop!

someone has to say it

HAPPY SAINT PADDY’S TO ALL AND SUNDRY!!

Grafting Giddiness

My dad loves those “five-in-one” apple trees sold by the various glitzy commercial nurseries. I remember getting in trouble a lot as a kid. Running spastically about the backyard, I would occasionally break off a branch of one of dad’s high-priced trees. So his five-in-one apple tree would become a four-in-one. Then a three-in-one. Then a two-in-one.

Pity Vater Smallholder. He would get so excited about his new tree and then his hyper little boy would maul it down into a mangy stump.

Today, dad has his own couple of acres of hilltop paradise and has planted quite the little home orchard for himself. Of course, the deer don’t understand that the fruit is supposed to be for humans. So the deer have taken over my role of maiming his apple trees. He even tried to convince the local game warden to give him a kill permit like I have so he could defend his trees with lethal force. Denied the license to kill, he has been known to spend Spring nights in a lawn chair in the front yard, rat terrier in his lap, ready to chase away any nighttime Bambi visitations.

Dad has been a great help around the farm and I have really enjoyed hanging out with him, so I bought him a present - participation in a grafting workshop. In compensation for the many trees I had maimed, I would take him to a class where he could learn how to make his own five-in-one trees. I signed us up for a grafting workshop hosted by Vintage Virginia Apples.

Vintage Virginia Apples is a tiny little family farm in North Garden, Va., just down the road from Sweet Seasons Farm. While it does not support the family as a fulltime occupation, three generations take time out from their “real” jobs to help run this wonderful little agricultural plot o’ land.

VVA is helping keep a wide selection of rare apple varieties alive, standing athwart the modern movement toward uniformity. They will sell you boutique apples, apple trees, and train small hobbyist “pomologists” in the art of orchard creation and maintenance.

The leader of the grafting workshop was none other than Tom Burford of the legendary Burford Borthers nursery in Monroe, Virginia.

Tom Burford!

Are you guys as thrilled as I was?

Probably not.

Tom Burford is a legend of the apple field. His family has been grafting apple trees since the 1700s. Tom is responsible for the (small) renaissance of neglected varieties in America.

Imagine if you went to an introductory guitar workshop and Eddie Van Halen was the teacher.

Or if you went to Catechism class and the Pope was standing at the front of the room.

I have several books on the old farm bookshelf that talk about Burford’s contributions to pomology.

The problem with having such esoteric interests is that no one really understands how exciting this was. My wife humors me. One of my teaching colleagues, upon hearing my tale, replied “Every day Iv m more and more shocked that youv re married.”

So I’m an orchard geek.

There were a fair number of people at the workshop. Some were simply backyard hobbyists. One woman was on vacation from her Californian bed and breakfast and wanted to learn how to graft the century-old apple trees on her property. When the historical trees succumbed to old age, she wanted clones ready to fill the gaps. One of my tablemates was in his early sixties and wanted to be able to preserve the varieties from his grandmother’s farm. The whole room was full of affable apple aficionados from widely divergent backgrounds.

But as interesting as the other workshop participants were, it was Tom Burford at the head of the class!

Where else will you find an agrarian who spices his lectures with phrases like “Call me a Luddite, but I think he loss of historical flavors is a great tragedy?”

Tom opened his talk by discussing why we needed to have a workshop at all. Knowledge of grafting used to be well nigh universal. But World War II acted as an historical interrupter. Young men went off to war, came back to college on the G.I. Bill, and moved to the suburbs. Away from home in the years they would have been learning how to make new trees, they then acquired the affluence to buy ready-made trees. Specialty nurseries began to make trees for the Harry homeowner market - and they tended to focus on a few varieties to streamline their inventories. At the same time, the introduction of the interstate highway system and the growing interstate nature of the agricultural trade led commercial orchards to concentrate on apple varieties with long shelf lives and/or attractive outer coverings. Taste was sacrificed on the altar of commercialism.

But a few small nurseries kept the old flavors alive.

Now I’m doing my part.

Please excuse any typos in this post. I’m typing with a bandaged finger. While doing my part to keep the old flavors alive, I slipped with the grafting knife and gouged out a dime-sized (though shallow) chunk of my pointer finger. Apple grafting workshops are not for sissies. One woman had to go the emergency room and one of my tablemates ought to have gone. There were probably a half-dozen minor gouges like mine.

But the blood was worth it.

I walked out with six new trees:

An Albemarle Pippin

A Arkansas Black

An Ashmead’s Kernel

A Black Twig

A Grimes Golden

A Summer Rambo

All in all, a cool day. Hangin’ mit Vater Smallholder, learning from a celebrity, and getting new trees for the orchard. Is there anyone out there who can understand my joy?

The internet is a funny thing. You can run into people who share your unusual hobbies. I got an e-mail from Australia last month from a hobby farmer who likes Ayrshires as much as I. I wonder if any of our readers are amateur pomologists? Let me know!

    About Naked Villainy

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