I’d hit on thefirst minion to find the Tom Lehrer homage in the previous post.

Smallholder@nakedvillainy.com

The Big Hominid has been fighting a running battle with his employers over wearing a lab coat to teach English classes.

Thanks very much.
I’m here through Sunday. Try the veal.

* We are the folksong army it doesn’t have to rhyme
** And it doesn’t matter if we put a couple of extra syllables into a line
*** Holla back young ‘uns! What? It works for rappers! What? Do I need more profanity?
**** What, gaijin is Japanese? Well aren’t you the Far East scholar?

You think Peyton Manning is a stud.

Ha. I laugh in his general direction.

He might have thrown 46 touchdowns, but I, the great and marvelous Smallholder, can write 46 blog entries in a day.

Just don’t ask for meaning, insight, or coherance.

Hell, don’t even ask for no rudimentary gramma or speling or punctuation

Go to Google.com.

Type in “toad sexing.”

Click on “Feeling lucky?”

1) When your snot freezes inside your nasal passages and turns into hard little chunks that internally stab your delicate nose tissues.

It was cold this morning when I went out to the barn. NINE degrees. I couldn’t even use the tried and true method of keeping your feet warm (standing in a fresh cowpie) because Bonnie appears to have been too cold to take a dump. Perhaps the Big Hominid has ideas about de-constipating a bovine.

2) Star Wars and All Its Evil Permutations.

I hate to break it too you, geeks of the world, but Star Wars sucks. Seriously. The plot is stupid and unbelievable, the dialogue trite, the actors untalented, the science ridiculous, the special effects dated, the romance forced, the philsophy asinine, the alien cultures unoriginal and vaguely racist, the jedis silly.

You only liked it because you saw it when you were ten. Admit it. Any movie half as hackneyed that was released today would languish in obscurity. Think of the atrocity committed against Robert Heinlein. You don’t see Dina Meyer or Denise Richards action figures*, now do you?

3) Sadie living in my barn.

She claims that she will have a new blog up soon and will move into the new digs. She had better. We miss her witty, wascally writing. But more importantly, since she started sleeping in the hay loft, the sheep are acting more even more skittish than after a visit from the Maximum Leader.

* But I’d buy the Dina Meyer one.

Kilgore has rejected me (indirectly) as well. I hounded the Maximum Leader to set him up with a friend of ours but Kilgore - get this! - wasn’t interested.

But I bet Denver Girl would have applauded his dexterity.

If you saunter over to “Enjoy Every Sandwich,” you will find a delightful political blog spiced with nuggets of self-loathing and perversion. It’s Grrrrr-eat!

As you peruse the postings, notice the right side of the screen. Skippy has posted all kinds of abuse from his readers. The Maximum Leader even got a spot on the honor roll by commenting on Skippy’s nipples.

But take note: There is no Smallholder quote. Why not? Whenever I link to one of Skippy’s excellent articles, I try to craft a paragraph appealing to the self-deprecating side of Skippy’s brain. But do my little alliterative or silly little insults make it into the hall of fame? Noooooooo.

I can’t write anymore. I have to go cry in the corner.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is upset that he cannot be in New York City on Thursday, January 6, 2006.

Why you may ask? Well, in addition to the fact that he hasn’t been to NYC since before the attacks. (Yes, your Maximum Leader’s memories of New York City still include the World Trade Center.) But the second reason is that he would love to be at this debate. Alexander Hamilton v. Thomas Jefferson: Of these two great Americans, which had the greatest impact on America?

What a great subject. Your Maximum Leader will write C-Span and suggest they attend and broadcast. He encourages his minions to do the same. Send your suggestion to: events - at - c-span.org.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is distressed to hear that a judge has ruled that the famous Barnes Collection may be moved to downtown Philadelphia.

Here is an LATimes article on the debate about the move.

And while your Maximum Leader is dumping links… Here is a good one from the Cranky Professor.

Your Maximum Leader has been following the contraversy concerning the Barnes Collection for a number of months now. To boil it down for minions who just don’t know what the hell your Maximum Leader is talking about (and don’t care to click through on the links) here are the critical issues. Albert C. Barnes established a foundation upon his death, the purpose of which was to preserve his collection of art in situ at his estate. The collection and estate were to become a school for artists. Fast forward many years and it appears that the trustees of the Barnes Foundation feel that the Foundation doesn’t have enough money to keep operating. The trustees propose moving some of the collection to museums in downtown Philly (a few miles away).

The key disputes are these: did the Trustees of the Foundation really try to come up with some method of funding that didn’t require the movement of some of the collection downtown? and is it legal to do so since moving the collection is directly at odds with the primary purpose of the Foundation?

From the perspective of the law, it seems that the second question is answered. The collection (or parts of the collection) can be moved. The first question remains unanswered. Your Maximum Leader hasn’t read anything that seems to say with any authority that the Trustees did more that give a quick examination to other options before deciding to just go with a move to Philly.

The underlying issue, which is the one that concerns your Maximum Leader. What is the purpose of establishing a foundation (like the Barnes) if at some point down the road the trustees have the ability to undo that which the original donor sought not to have undone?

Your Maximum Leader believes that here will be two major results of the Barnes decisions (should they be upheld on appeal). The first is that collectors will decide that out-right bequests of art to musuems or universities along with money to try and help out with the maintenance of the collection. But these bequest will probably not situplate that the collections be displayed in a particular fashion or be kept together.

NB: Your Maximum Leader has always been fascinated by how museums sell off parts of their collections to acquire new additions to their collections. He is intrigued by who the big Muesum Directors use their positions to fashion musuem collections in their image… But that is likely a subject for a later post.

The second possible result of the Barnes decisions is that private collections will just remain private or be liquidated upon the death of the collector. Why bother trying to preserve your collection through a fancy endowed foundation if trustees down the road (with no connection to the original collector generally) decide to fight the terms of the foundation because they seem out-of-date or troublesome. While sell-offs may in the end be a boon to museums (they could acquire peices in which they are interested without being saddled by others they are not); they will surely be a boon to private collectors who have no intention of displaying their collections ever.

It is a tough position to be in if you are a wealthy collector.

In other collection news, the Natick (Mass) historical society just sold the oldest known copy of The Scarlett Letter for over $500,000. Why? Because keeping the document wasn’t part of their mission. (Which is to keep artifacts concerning the town’s history & heritage.)

Carry on.

He’s been drunkenly celebrating the triumph of his interpretation of the Second Amendment.

See here - scroll down to the second part of the post.

I’m off to sulk.

UPDATE FROM YOUR MAXIMUM LEADER: Seems the diagram wasn’t wrong after all. Heh.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was browsing through the blogroll and stopped by TexasBestGrok. JohnL refers his readers to this post on the Rocket Jones site: Rocket Jones: 25 Things Men Shouldn’t Find Sexy, But Do

Your Maximum Leader probably shouldn’t have been drinking when he read it. He almost spewed hot tea on his keyboard.

And at the risk of being thought a perv… Your Maximum Leader wholly agrees with 23 of the 25 points. (Your Maximum Leader’s particular favourites are: 6, 10, 11, 19, and especially 22 & 24. Damn 22 & 24 are hot!)

Your Maximum Leader should also add that number 5 on the “Things that men should find hot but don’t” list is absolutely true.

Okay… This post was a little adolecent of your Maximum Leader… But he liked it.

Carry on.

My cousin the dairy farmer is frustrated with the increasingly stringent regulations about nutrient (read: manure) management. One of his favorite quotes is that while “city people” always blame farms for polluted water in Lake Geneva, that:

“The lake water was perfectly fine when there were 300 dairy farms and 10 houses. Now there are 10 farms and 3000 houses. The water quality is worse now. How can it be the fault of the farmers?”

I never argue with him on this point. But here is what I think.

Well, in 1940, there may have been 300 farms, but they generally had 20 to 30 dairy cows grazing 160 acres of land. Crops were grown rotationally around the property, but most of the land remained in sod. The cows, while walking, distributed their manure over the entire acreage. Since the sod absorbed water and prevented erosion and wash-outs, there was very little run-off.

Fast-forward sixty years. My cousin now has 1400 cows on 80 acres. The cows get a large share of their nutrients from grains and supplements, dramatically increasing the phosphorus content of their manure. 1400 cows produce a lot of manure - over 100 pounds per day per cow. So we are looking at 70 tons a day, or close to 26000 tons of manure per year. Since the cows are kept in confinement, their manure stays on concrete until a bobcat operator pushes it down the alley into a manure lagoon. The manure and all of its nutrients sit until the winter.

When crops are harvested for silage and hayledge, the manure is pumped into trucks and spread on the fields. Since the fields, particularly those previously planted to corn, are bare, there is nothing to prevent rainwater from washing the manure right down into creeks and into the lake.

Manure is a valuable addition to the land. I bring truckload after truckload of stuff donated by horse people to my garden every year. An organic system that does not use chemical fertilizers should shoot for five to ten tons of manure per acre per year. Given unlimited resources, many organic armers would love to go as high as 40 tons per year.

But one can go too high. If phosphorus, nitrogen, and potassium (the npk on your fertilizer bag) become to highly concentrated, they can “burn” plants and do them in. In an organic system, this is avoided by working in the manure bit by bit during the year, allowing the soil bacteria to incorporate the nutrients bit by bit.

In a mechanized field crop situation, the manure is spread at the very point that the soil bacteria is LEAST able to do its job - when it is cold. Bacterial action slows and finally almost ceases as the thermometer drops. And the manure is added all at once. So instead of being incorporated into the soil, it sits, frozen, under the snow, until the snow melts in the spring and drains all those nutrients into creeks and the groundwater.

So going back to the previous example, we have 20-30 cows dropping 350-500 tons of manure on 160 acres over an entire grazing season - averaging about 2 1/2 tons per acre. The bacteria begins breaking down each patty as it falls. When winter closes the pasture, the manure is set aside for spreading in the spring (one can drive wagons on sod).

The modern confined dairy, unregulated, might spread 300 tons of manure per acre - all at once. The manure has greater concentration of nutrients. It is spread in the winter so as not to disturb row crops, so bacteria doesn’t break it down so it can be held in the soil. bare earth allows the nutrients to leach faster. Snow melt accelerates the process. This is why state governments are beginning to require nutrient management plans so that overloading the carry capacity of the land is avoided.

This doesn’t even consider the fact that to make machine handling easier, the manure solids are mixed with liquid to form “slurry” so that it can be pumped through hoses. Sometimes the manure lagoons fail, spilling their poisonous contents.

Perhaps big dairy farms ARE responsible for water pollution.

But what do I know? As he would say, I’m just a city person.

Who knew that a simple little post about toads would generate so much interest?

For those of you who wish to sex toads at home, here is a step-by-step guide:

1) Make sure your toad is a toad. Many people seem to confuse frogs and toads. Frogs are moist, have smooth skin, and are generally found near water. Toads are dry, have bumpy skin, and are terrestrial except when they mate.

2) Pick up the toad gently, but with enough control so that it doesn’t squirm loose and splat itself on the ground. Hold the toad away from your body because they will attempt their standard defense mechanism:peeing on you. Toad pee is very acidic, and if you were a dog or predator, you’d drop the poor guy quickly. As it is, you’ll want to wash your hands after you are done sexing your toad.

3) Turn the toad over in the palm of your hand so it lays with its back down and its head between your thumb and pointer finger. Gently wrap your fingers around it’s body. Maintain enough pressure that it cannot squirm forward, but don’t squeeze it too hard either.

4) Turn your hand so the toad is right-side up in relation to the ground. Use your middle finger to stroke or tickle the toad’s belly. If the toad croaks, you have a male. If it does not, you’ve got a lady.

Nakedvillainy: Your one-stop-shop for crucial how-to information. Tell your friends.

UPDATE FROM YOUR MAXIMUM LEADER: Gordon, the Cranky Neocon, wrote back to say that he did get a squeak. So we know Gordon has a male. (NB to Minions: Read Cranky Neocon daily! Daily! Yes, every day. Okay… Every non-holiday weekday would suffice.)

Also, you know people are fighting for traffic in the blogosphere when the Llamas start elbowing their way into the whole domesticated farm animal millieu. All your Maximum Leader can say is, “Beware Llama-boys! Farm animal posts are the provence of the Smallholder! Remember, we’ve got pitchforks and inseminators and we know how to use them!”

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader caught an interesting headline off the wire a few days ago. The headline read: Paris is the City of Blight for culture-shocked Japanese.

It seems that Japanese moving to Paris are growing ill once they discover that not all French women are models wearing couture and Parisians are not as welcoming as the tourist information makes them out to be.

What your Maximum Leader would like to know is who does Paris’ media buys and advertising? Because if they’ve convinced a whole nation that Parisians are friendly and beautiful they must be damned good.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has learned some disturbing news. This news is positively villainous. It is fully deserving of becoming this week’s Friday Villainy update.

You Maximum Leader reads that LisaMarie Presley is selling 85% of Elvis Presley Enterprises to Robert F.X. Sillerman. At least so says Billboard Magazine and the Reuters News Wire.

For $100 million, Robert Sillerman gets pretty much all of Elvis Presley Enterprises (EPE). What he doesn’t get is Graceland itself, the contents of Graceland, and “Elvis’ personal effects.” Lisa Marie retains 15% of EPE as well as her father’s home and personal effects.

How do you tell someone that this could be a very bad idea? Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Your Maximum Leader would love to have you over to the Villainschloss to discuss this. How does one put this gently? You’re no Elvis Presley. You’ve got some talent. You’re sorta cute. And your Maximum Leader is willing to forgive you the whole Michael Jackson & Nicolas Cage thingies. (And while your Maximum Leader is fessing up about things… Your Maximum Leader would have dated you hard, even married you; if it meant he could get to go upstairs in Graceland. There… Your Maximum Leader has been more honest with you than was Nick Cage.)

But really Lisa… Do you think it is a good idea to sell off your dad’s likeness, imgae, movie rights, and music portfolio? Your Maximum Leader doesn’t think so.

So, loyal minions might we wondering to themselves, “What makes this so villainous?” Let your Maximum Leader explain. Robert Sillerman now owns the exclusive rights to GREATEST AMERICAN ICON EVER!!! How much more villainous can you get?

Really now. Think about this. Robert Sillerman “owns” THE KING. Possibly the most recognizable icon in all of Americana. And he can market “E” any way he wants.

Absolutely. Friggin. Brilliant.

Your Maximum Leader hears that the first major move will be an Elvis themed casino on the strip in Vegas. If that materializes your Maximum Leader will never set foot in Ceasar’s again…

Carry on.