Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader thinks that you may want to take a virtual trip over to Tech Central Station and read Stephen Schwartz’s article: Is Saudi Arabia Holy Soil?

Your Maximum Leader learned that for the first time Saudi Arabia has been listed by the US Department of State as a nation of particular concern in the area of religious freedom. How interesting.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is dismayed. It appears that with the exception of a few “heritage” routes, the infamous red double-decker London buses are going to be retired.

Sure it makes sense financially… But what is next? Running the monkeys off Gibraltar? Poisoning the ravens at he Tower?

Egads. To what is Britain devolving?

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader provides yet another article for your reading pleasure. This is yet another example of how your Maximum Leader will NOT run things in the MWO.

In Taiwan, the Taichung police orders fleshy ‘betel nut beauties’ to cover up. What? Police asking scantily clad female peddlers of food for the masses to cover up! This will never happen in the MWO.

Other things to expect in the MWO… More happy, busty, bar wentches!

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was reviewing the Marmot’s blog and he came upon this: The Marmot’s Hole - Brits to drill for oil in N. Korea?

It seems as though a British oil and gas company will be doing some “technical assisting” of the North Koreans as they begine to develop their oil industry. Humm…

Of course the best part of Robert’s post was his line at the end: I think it’s at this point that Brian at Cathartidae would joke (?) that Pyongyang had better hope Aminex doesn’t find anything; otherwise, with a nuclear program AND oil, Kim Jong-il is truly screwed.

Of course, other questions are raised by this article. Real serious questions…

1) If North Korea has significant oil reserves, why would they need a nuclear “power” program too?

2) Would/Could North Korea produce enough oil to export into the world market? If so, would that give the regime enough hard cash currency to prop it up and advance their nuclear “power” program?

3) If oil became a significant source of income for North Korea, would Kim Jong-Il start a North Korean version of the Beverly Hillbillies? It would be called the Pyongyang Hillbillies and Kim Jong-Il would be the Jed Clampitt character.

Your Maximum Leader wonders.

Carry on.

Red Army Vodka is yummy. I have a couple bottles at hom. My understanding of the product is that the packaging is pure American marketing, but the vodka itself is authentic top notch Russian vodka. And the vodka is really good. It’s actually very enjoyable sipping at room temperature, and it makes great cocktails.

Now I’ve e-mailed them repeatedly trying to get one of their posters to put up in my bar… maybe when I take all my hockey stuff down… but they haven’t responded.

Here’s what I’m talking about:

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader, in the spirit of bipartisanship, figured that he would turn his keen mind on the situation John Kerry faces.

First off Senator Kerry, don’t panic. It looks like you are panicing. Don’t lose your cool. Yes, Bush seems to be leading you in many (read: nearly all) national polls (and even a few - read: quite many - polls in the battlefield states).

A number of bloggers (you can call them amateur pundits if you like) are saying the election is over. BRD has declared the Tipping Point tipped. Skippy has said as much too.

But none of these preditions matter. They don’t matter because really the electorate is still pretty polarized and isn’t sure about either of you.

A little while ago your Maximum Leader suggested you give James Carville a call. In that earlier post your Maximum Leader wrote:

But will Kerry fire his Massachusetts buddies and hire a ragin’ cajun to run his campaign over the last 60 some odd days until the election?

No.

And have you hired James Carville yet Senator? No. He is an “unpaid advisor” to the campaign. “Unpaid advisor” is not the same as “running your campaign.”

And did your Maximum Leader mention anything about Paul Begala? Or Joe Lockhart? Or Mike McCurry? Or Bob Schrum?

That would be: no, no, no, and no.

And is Mary Beth Cahill still working for you? Uh… Yup.

And who exactly is in charge of your campaign?

No! Lemme guess… Teresa? Uh, Lockhart? No! That Sasso guy? Uh, you?.

Humm… Do you see a pattern here enator?

Let your Maximum Leader use a cliché, too many chefs spoil the soup. (Look, it isn’t only your Maximum Leader who thinks so.)

You can’t project a message and a constant image when you have a whole bunch of schmucks telling you how to do things. Senator Kerry, you need to grow a set of balls (or just take the ones Teresa has for the next two months) and start firing people. As your Maximum Leader sees it, Cahill, Lockart, McCurry, Schrum, and the unpaid Begala have to go. Keep Carville and ditch the others. Carville knows how to win, and he knows how to keep people who don’t know how to stay on message, on message.

Have you ever really listened to Bill Clinton speak when he gets on a policy-wonkish roll? Get an intern to give you some videos of Clinton at some of those White House summits he had during his first year in office and watch them. Then think to yourself, James Carville kept this man on message for two years while he ran for president. (If your interns seem to be in short supply, give Bill a call. Tell him you have about two hours free and you want him to tell you how to fix healthcare and let him roll. You’ll get a first-hand taste of that to which your Maximum Leader refers.)

Anyhow… You really really really need to take control of your campaign and give the reins to Carville. You are too busy to do all the things that need to get done. That is why you have a campaign manager.

Speaking of things you need to do…

Hows about finding a message and sticking to it. Calling Bush the “excuse president” is a good start. Your Maximum Leader liked it. He liked it a lot. Catchy. Plus it gives that subtle cut to Bush’s line about being decisive. Sure Bush is all decisive, but when his decisions are bad he makes up excuses. Brilliant! (Tell your Maximum Leader, did Carville feed you that one? Your Maximum Leader thinks he did.)

The “excuse” line is a good one to pull out in debates too. When Bob Scheffer asks Bush to explain the weak economy, when you get your rebuttal just say “Excuses, excuses George. When are you going to take responsibility and own up to what you haven’t done?” Bush will hate that.

And while we are talking about debates. Push for three, settle for two, and demand that one be in late October. You are a skilled debater - if you stay on message. You can take Bush if you don’t let him get under your skin and don’t let him corner you in your record.

About your record. You need to develop a short, simple answer to all of the flip-flop stuff the Bush people are throwing your way. How about a pat response of “Bills in the Senate are often riddled with amendments. Many times I had to vote against measures which I originally supported because they contained too many riders that I couldn’t in good faith support.”

Your Maximum Leader suggests that after the short answer you try this out for size, “If the President had taken any time to understand the legislative process, or taken the initiative with his own party to fashion a legislative agenda; he might know a little more about how things work in Washington.”

That would make Bush supporters cry, “Ouch.”

Anyhoo…

You’ve got 43 days until the election. This thing is far from over. You just need to pick a theme and hammer it home.

And not make an ass of yourself.

Carry on.

PS: In case you missed it. Here is the WWYMLD George W. Bush edition.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader can hardly believe one line in this report from the AP concerning a shooting today at the Illinois state capitol. The line is:

The Capitol has no metal detectors, and its officers are not armed.

A government building. A legislature no less (they always vote themselves new equipment), that has no metal detectors. It is hard to imagine.

Your Maximum Leader hopes they find the person responsible and do evil things to him. Also hope the victim recovers.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader loves stories about people who suffered under communism and arenow flourishing in a market economy. Well, Mikhail Kalashnikov probably never suffered much under communism. Indeed, his revolutionary assault weapon, the AK-47, probably caused lots of suffering at the hands of communists, revolutionaries, and others. But then again, it is, in your Maximum Leader’s opinion, the finest assault weapon ever made.

Anyhoo… While he didn’t profit in a capitalist sense from his great gun design, he can profit by licencing his name now. Your Maximum Leader has already seen Kalashnikov brand knives and outdoors equipment. Now we can add
vodka.

Your Maximum Leader isn’t a big vodka drinker, but he would like to do a taste test between Kalashnikov Vodka, and Red Army Vodka. With the loosing brand dragged out and shot. (With an AK-47.)

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader likes to keep close tabs on his rivals for power around the world. Well, it seems as though Hu Jintao has set himself up as ruler of China. At least the AP is reporting as much.

This is an interesting development. Your Maximum Leader wasn’t sure that former-president Jiang was going to hand over control of the army for a while. But it seems as though he has. (Happy retirement Zemmie! You murderous commie bastard!)

So now President Hu will have to fight corruption, liberalize the strained relationship with the “autonomous region” of Hong Kong, and introduce “reform.” Strange… Your Maximum Leader thought that was what President Jiang was going to do while he was in charge.

Your Maximum Leader wonders to what extent corruption can really be fought in China. Not meaning to indulge too much in sterotyping, but it seems as though corruption is widespread in Asia in general. And communism isn’t the cause. Corruption seems just as widespread (if sometimes less reported upon) in Japan, Korea, Indonesia, and Thailand. It seems to be a cultural problem. Is there some hidden element in Asia’s shared Confucian/Taoist/Buddhist heritage that promotes corruption? Your Maximum Leader will ponder that for later.

Regardless. Your Maximum Leader hopes (but doesn’t expect) President Hu will act in a “softened and pragmatic” way towards political dissent and dissenters, Tibet, and a more open political system.

Carry on.

I have a confession to make.

My wife, pre-Smallholderette, was a journalist!

Zounds! Indisputable proof that the Smallholder family is part of the vast liberal conspiracy!

(Offstage, the Maximum Leader begins quiet preparations for a purge…)

One of the central ethical standards of journalism is to protect the anonymity of sources. She and I have gone around and around about this. I believe that some protection of sources is necessary for the proper functioning of a free press, but, being the “squishy” progressive that I am, think that there should be some limitations - both legally and ethically, just as there are certain limitations on rights like free speech. She is an absolutist. Were a D.A. to pressure her to divulge the identity of a source, she would go to jail.

Spurred by Memento Moron, I hereby offer the following bit of doggerel. Before the literary critics launch an attack on my poor poetry, please be aware that, “Dammit, Jim, I’m an inbred agrarian, not a poet!”

Source Protection

The function
Of the anti-revelation injunction
Is to assure potential whistle-blowers that they can reveal information
For the public to assess
Through the medium of the press
Without the fear of immediate and painful retribution.

Society benefits
When an independent press
Revealing corruption or malfeasance
Alerts us to a mess
And we are able to address
The situation or redress the grievance.

Reporters observe
Its the public they serve
Indeed, they proclaim, we will our sources protect.
The D.A. may wail
Even threaten jail
But the reporter will prosecutor’s entreaty reject.

But a virtue becomes vice
When against all advice
CBS wraps itself in righteous indignation.
We, the Bush Guard
Forger regard
As protected by our reporter tradition.

Not the goal of the gag laws:
Protecting scofflaws.
What purpose could be served by hiding
An election diverter,
A press perverter,
Who deserves a good, sound, public chiding?

False, libelous acts
Distorting facts
Ought to be regarded with scorn.
Give us the name!
Free speech will remain.
Danny boy, why art thou so torn?

One hopes it is not
Biased, partisan rot
That led to the Sixty Minutes parade.
Prove that it is not
Biased, partisan rot.
Publicly expose the author of the charade.

Bloggers unite!
Defend what is right.
Keep the pressure on the CBS chiefs.
Annika want their collective head,
Rather’s career dead, dead, dead:
Go thee hence and read her briefs.

The forgery stain
Will surely remain
Unless CBS shows its goodwill.
Give us the name!
Free speech will remain!
Divulge! Reveal! The beans you must spill!

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was wondering, where has the Foreign Minister been? He hasn’t been posting with any regularity.

Then your Maximum Leader saw this: World’s Beer Fans Meet for Annual Munich Binge.

All has been revealed.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader thought that this post from The Ministry of Minor Perfidy was particularly funny. Thus, it is linked here for your reading pleasure.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was both a good dad and a bad friend this weekend.

A bad friend in that he left the Minister of Agriculture high and dry when it comes to going to a movie. Yes, the good Smallholder invited your Maximum Leader to come down and see a movie with him. But your Maximum Leader really couldn’t go on Saturday, and he had already promised another friend, as well as Mrs. Villain, and the Villainettes, that he would go with them to the Chinese Culture Festival in DC on Sunday.

So, Smallholder did not get to appreciate your Maximum Leader’s company. But your Maximum Leader did go to DC on Sunday with the Villainous family.

So, your Maximum Leader, and his family, met a friend downtown to enjoy the Chinese Culture Festival. We wanted to see prancing firecrackers, dancing dragons, and eat some dim sum.

Upon arriving in Chinatown, a Falun Gong member attempted to give your Maximum Leaer some literature. Your Maximum Leader declined it, but did stop to ask himself what exactly do the Chinese Communists find so objectionable about Falun Gong. To your Maximum Leader’s knowledge they are just a bunch of people gathered in public places doing some sort of tai chi. Is there something your Maximum Leader doesn’t know? Is there some secret ritual he’s not clued into? Do they bathe in goat’s blood? Do they eat babies? If a loyal minion knows the answers to these not-so-pressing questions, please drop your Maximum Leader a line.

Well, we started with the dim sum. Your Maximum Leader grossed out his Villainous progeny, and Mrs. Villain, by eating whole fried prawns. Heads. Eyes. Tails. Everything. It was quite yummy. After eating dim sum, we went back out onto the streets of DC’s pathetic Chinatown for the parade and cultural activities.

A very fun day was had by all. But rather than leaving it at that, your Maximum Leader will relate in more detail a happening of the day.

As you may know, your Maximum Leader is the proud owner of a Big Hominid “Dick Proverb” t-shirt. The shirt reads: “Bul-un-shi, dae-nam-gyeong, mu-so-yong.” or translated: “In a time of misfortune, a big dick is useless.” This is from the original Roman saying, which rendered in English is: “When your luck has run out, a big dick is useless.”

Your Maximum Leader decided to wear this t-shirt out to the Chinese Culture Festival. Which was also, by the way, a celebration of the 20th anniversary of Beijing and Washington DC becoming “sister cities.”

Aside: If Beijing and DC are “sister” cities, when can we expect some hot lesbo action? Really? Your Maximum Leader wants to know. He imagines Beijing to be a leather-clad dominatrix type a la Lucy Liu in Payback. (Only red leather, not black. And it would probably have Hu Jintao silkscreened across the bosom; and Mao across the crotch…) DC, your Maximum Leader imagines, would be more the Queen Latifah type. Now your Maximum Leader figures that Beijing, being filled with communists and all, is probably a pretty tough town. But, as they are chinese communists, they are also interested in business. So they are tough, heavy-handed, and always looking to put the smack-down on the competition. Beijing would likely want to cutler DC just for the hell of it. Of course, DC isn’t a pushover. Sure they have a high murder rate. They can’t get their schools together. They can’t balance a budget to save their life. And, of course, they keep electing Marion Barry to office. But you know, DC has street cred and just isn’t gonna take a cutlering from anyone.

Wrap your brain around that for a moment…

But where was your Maximum Leader? Oh yes… Dick Proverb shirt in the midst of a chinese culture celebration…

So… Your Maximum Leader was sipping a hot Chai Latte (from the Chinatown Starbucks). When a young chinese man stopped directly in front of him. The young chinese man (YCM) looked at your Maximum Leader’s shirt. Then he spoke.

YCM: I don’t understand your shirt.
ML: Oh?
YCM: Do I read it left to right like English?
ML: No. Vertically right to left… Like Chinese.
YCM: Oh. I see…

YCM pauses to read shirt while still blocking your Maximum Leader.

YCM: I don’t understand. “In times of misfortune having… something… is not a help?” (Thinkssome more.) No. No. “In unfortunate period, having a BIG… something… is not a help.” I really don’t understand that character there. (YCM said pointing.)
ML: Dick.
YCM: Wha?
ML: Dick. Schlong. Heat-seeking moisture missle. ICBM of love.

YCM doesn’t appear to get it.

ML: Penis.
YCM: Oh… OH! Now I get it. Oh yes! I see it now.

YCM starts laughing uncontrolably.

ML: My friend would be glad that you like it. Read the URL. Visit. Buy some. It’s a big hit with white chicks.

Your Maximum Leader then pressed on. About 30 minutes later, your Maximum Leader was walking towards the MCI Center. When he noticed the YCM and some other young (and middle aged) chinese men. The YCM shouted out something in chinese to the others. They all walked towards your Maximum Leader.

YCM: We really like your shirt. My friends wanted to see it.
ML: Regard it if you must.
YCM: It is very funny. Where did you get it?
ML: My friend’s web site. Look it up. Buy some. It would make him very happy.
YCM: (giggling) Very funny. But you know, my friend wants to ask you a question…
ML: (Cutting him off.) Of course. Tell him that a big dick almost always comes in handy.

With that your Maximum Leader pressed on, leaving a bunch of chinese men in his wake to ponder the wisdom just emparted to them.

And that, gentle minions, is how your Maximum Leader spent his Sunday.

Carry on.

Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader blogged yesterday about a Celebate in the City post which he thought was very well done. Then just after linking to the post in this space, it disappeared.

Well, posts that your Maximum Leader likes shouldn’t just disappear without warning. Or follow-up investigation. Your Maximum Leader felt that the Celebate’s Postmodernist analysis of her date should not become another blog plastered to the side of the milk carton of life. (Phrase ruthlessly stolen from the apple of your Maximum Leader’s eye: Anna. Who by the way is in rare form in her latest. It makes me just want to cuddle up to her little sacreligious self and say, “Let’s burn together.”)

So your Maximum Leader wrote to the Celebate in an effort to determine “what gives?”

The Celebate wrote back:

Dear Maximum Leader,
My sincerest apologies for removing the PoMo post. I have rectified the error and re-published it. I thought it must have been a boring post since I wasn’t getting comments on it. And since I freely admit to whoring my blog for hits, I pulled it. I won’t underestimate my readers’ intelligence again, especially since the Maximum Leader is himself a loyal reader.

Your apologetic and humbled minion,
JL

JL, your Maximum Leader forgives all. And in an interesting aside, please note. JL, while not a whore, will gladly whore her blog. Somewhat ironical, n’est-ce pas?

Without further adieu. You should now read:
Celibate in the City: Welcome to the Desert of the Real

Carry on.

I just stumbled across The Accidental Smallholder.

I felt particular empathy the “Thirty Pieces of Silver” post.

I would say they had stolen my moniker, but I seriously doubt that they have heard of our humble little blog all the way in Scotland.