Humm… That must be the first time anyone has complained about any part of the Poet Laureate being too big.

The Maximum Leader takes a moment to abuse his faithful Poet Laureate, as is only right and proper. We relish the abuse and beg for more! It’s all in the service of the realm! Our misery is our joy! Our agony is our ecstasy!

For what it’s worth, my essay on dog-eating, “Wolfing Down Doggie,” rated 52% evil, 48% good. It appears to be my most evil work. My essay “On Gay Marriage” rated 32% evil and 68% good– which may indicate that Satan is a social conservative if he didn’t find enough evil in that piece. My “Sermon on the Mount for Hateful Christians” clocked in at 44% evil, 56% good, a decent balance.

But the source of goodness on your blog radiates unequivocally from the Air Marshal. His “Happy Birthday” message to my brother Sean rated a mere 10% evil, and 90% good. My own birthday message to Sean contains substantially more evil (24%).

The name “BigHominid” rates 50% evil, 50% good. The name “Kevin Kim,” however, rates 74% evil, and 26% good.

Lastly, my essay on “Right and Wrong” scored 42% evil, 58% good.

UPDATE: BUT WAIT– THERE’S MORE! My book’s title, Scary Spasms in Hairy Chasms: A Panoply of Paeans to Putrescence and a Cornucopia of Corrosive Coprophilia, is thoroughly evil, having rated a truly malefic 97% evil 3% good.

Greetings loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was directed to this fine website by very loyal minion. According to this group, (the Sect of Homokaasu - whoever they are) this website (the official website of the Mike World Order) is in fact 49% evil. Here is there certification:

Your Maximum Leader is convinced that were it not for the occasional guest post by one of his less evil minions, this site would be much closer to 99% evil.

Your Maximum Leader is trying to get certifications on the Poet Laureate’s site, but it is too big… Humm… That must be the first time anyone has complained about any part of the Poet Laureate being too big.

Carry on.

UPDATE: Your Maximum Leader put a few samples of the Poet Laureate’s writing through the Gematriculator and averaged the results. Including this update of his site, which was most evil. The Big Hominid is, on average, about 24% evil. Your Maximum Leader rests he case about the overall evilness of his site being brought down by his loyal minions. But before you start whining, just remember, the loyal minions are the ones who keep your Maximum Leader from being really mean.

Carry on.

I think wearing dark jersey’s at home is fine once in a while. Back in the day when I was a Caps season ticket holder, it was nice once in a while to get look at the black jerseys in action. It’s a nice bone to throw to those who attend EVERY FREAKING PATHETIC GAME YOU LOSERS PLAY without bitching too much.

I also like third jerseys for special occasions. Like wearing green on St. Patrick’s day, or a special Christmas jersy or something like that. The Roanoke Express, a minor league hockey team I used to follow had a special Christmas jersey for a holiday game that (IIRC) had some charity events going on related to the game.

Throwbacks are nice, like the NFL did for it’s 75th anniversary.

But the NHL goes way over the top now. Don’t change your uni’s every year unless they suck. And if they suck, fix them and stick with it. Don’t have silly third jerseys just for the sake of squeezing the extra buck out of loyal fans.

Greetings loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is urging you to vote in the Odd Todd best Jack ‘o Lantern contest. One of the Maximum Leader’s loyal minions’ jack ‘o lantern is in the contest. It is #12. (The one with the slugs.) Vote early! Vote often!

Carry on.

Greetings loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was just perusing the Reuters news wire and found this article. $12,000 for a 100 years old vampire killing kit. Hummm… Annonymous phone bidder? Actually a fool soon to be parted with his money.

Carry on.

Greetings loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader wishes you all a frightfully good Halloween. He was going to leave the Villainschloss today in his tuxedo, a black cape, and a set of vampire teeth. Dracula being your Maximum Leader’s favourite halloween type monster. Indeed, your Maximum Leader will most likely waste away this evening as he has the past few Halloweens. The Dracula Film Fest! I will start with Bela Lugosi’s Dracula. Then move on to Frank Langella’s Dracula. And finally to Gary Oldman’s Dracula. I think I still like Bela best. But I would really like to get the Hammer Films Dracula movies starring Christopher Lee on DVD. God how I loved those movies. They were colour. Filmed on the same cheesey sets. And had some of the most beautiful (and busty) women! Ah the hours of enjoyment they gave me as a young villain. And the hours of fun they could continue to give me if Mrs. Villain were not around…

But I did not leave the Villainschloss today dressed as my favourite undead. Alas, your Maximum Leader’s tuxedo was at the cleaners and he decided instead to just put on a baseball jersey instead. Which prompts me to agree with the lovely Annika in her recent post about sports teams wearing dark colours at home. It is just wrong. Frankly, teams shouldn’t have more than two jerseys either. One for home games (a light coloured one), and one for away games (the dark coloured one). If they have a third jersey at all (which I am not sure they should) it could be a “throwback” jersey they wear no more than once a year or in the preseason. This is an item fordefiniative action in the MWO. Since she doesn’t like the DH either, perhaps Annika will be the Commissioner of Baseball in the MWO?

The Poet Laureate writes that about some recent polling data about the Dems. Well, I don’t think a Dean-Clinton ticket is any better for the Dems than a Dean-Clark ticket is. They are both pretty bad. Frankly, the only Dem ticket likely to excite the Dems is a Clinton (Hillary) - Someone else. And I think with recent economic data showing improvements, and the seeming agreement that such trends may hold through next year; I don’t think that Hillary will run. She will bide her time and wait for ‘08.

Continuing to comment on the Hominid’s post, I think Rice would be an excellent VP choice. But Cheney isn’t going anywhere and will not be dumped. The Bushes are very loyal to their minions. (Or is Cheney loyal to his minions? Hummm.) There is no reason to switch from Cheney, and it will not happen without a great reason. I think Dr. Rice is likely to be the next Secretary of State if Bush is re-elected in ‘04.

(N.B. to the Poet Laureate: Governor-Elect Arh-nold probably cannot be VP. (I’ll explain the “probably” qualifier in a few lines…) The reason being that while there are no specific requirements for being VP according to the Constitution, it has been codified in the Federal Code that to be the VP you have to meet the qualifications required by the Constitution to be President. Thus one must be 35 or older, and a natural-born citizen of the US (or a citizen of the US at the time of the adoption of the Constitution, in 1787). So, unless Arh-nold is in fact a machine sent back in time to kill Sarah/John Connor but was sent back to the 1770’s or early 1780s and is just waiting for his moment to strike, he cannot be VP.)

That is all I have time for now. More blogging later I hope. Perhaps during an intermission during the Dracula Film fest!

Carry on.

Greetings loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader has returned! In all honesty, your Maximum Leader hasn’t really gone anywhere. He has been quite occupied of late. I’m sure you understand… Plotting the domination of the world. Re-reading, before signing, the Haliburton contract for rebuilding the world infrastructure after the establishment of the MWO. Making sure the Villainettes are doing well in school. The normal Maximum Leader stuff… What? You don’t understand? Well too bad, let me note your name down again for when the public executions begin…

There has been so much to comment upon, and so little time to comment. First I should say for the record that the MWO alert level has been lowered from “Saruman” dow to the normal “Nazgul” level. Be on the lookout for black-riders. They are the eyes and ears of your Maximum Leader. Additionally, public wind-passing is no longer restricted; and pubic hair may return to its normal colour. (And many thanks to the Poet Laureate for his post.)

Second item on the agenda, methinks the Minister of Agriculture needs to put away the Haig book before he ends up like Ian Duncan Smith.

Third, I must agree with the Air Marshal that bad karma has struck the Washington Capitals. It is sad really. Your Maximum Leader had such high hopes for the team once Jagr came to town. But alas, it just isn’t working out. I am not sure what the missing piece could be. We have an owner who is not bashful about spending money if it will show a return. We had, I thought, a good GM. I was never sure about Cassidy, but even when we had Wilson I didn’t feel coaching was an issue… I am about to chalk up the team’s failure as karma that is rubbing off from playing in the same building as the Bullets/Wizards and their horrid owner, Abe Pollin. The worst owner in the history of sports. Frankly, the Redskins are also suffering from bad karma…

As one who is very fond of George Washington, it is good to see that his whisky is flowing again.

And one last item. If you didn’t notice it, you should check out the new Villainous Motivators link on the sidebar. Or right here.

Not much more to report at this moment. I will endeavour to blog more over the next few days. I hope to get a good post up tomorrow.

Carry on my minions.

Where did it all go wrong. Signing free agents from your hated rival is always tempting fate. Me thinks it’s bad karma. Just like the Redskins found out when they hired an ex-Cowboy to coach them round about ‘94. Boy, Norval sure turned us into a winner, didn’t he? We’re still paying for that one.

Where is the Maximum Leader The World Wonders?

Fear not, minions of the Mike World Order.

Your fearless Minister of Agriculture is, at this very moment, consulting the standard reference for minions whose leaders have gone missing. It is an excellent work, written by the esteemed Alexander Haig…

TO: All Good Citizens of the Realm
FROM: The Poet Laureate
RE: the possibly missing Maximum Leader

The Maximum Leader’s conspicuous absence from his own blog has led to feverish media speculation regarding his current whereabouts. Media elements are being contained and processed according to the SOP laid out in “Operation Impale Those Who Question.” The Mike World Order’s managed economy, now leaderless, is beginning to show dangerous signs of fluctuation. We are taking MWO currency off the untrustworthy precious-metals standard and pegging it to camel bladders.

Insidious reports that the Maximum Leader has been sighted prancing about in lacy thong underwear while belting out– in lisping falsetto– songs beloved of leftists are being thoroughly checked. The Poet Laureate’s Office suspects the reports will lack substantiation, though we acknowledge that leftists have shown themselves to be uncannily adept at (as well as unusually susceptible to) certain forms of mind control.

Our source closest to the Maximum Leader, known only as KatanaPenis, believes the Maximum Leader may be engaged in some form of sexual congress with human or nimal, perhaps as a personal test of endurance and self-worth. But since this source’s conjectures always center on the sexual and usually include some mention of bestiality, we are inclined to doubt Katanapenis’s contention.

The Poet Laureate’s Office’s best guess is that the Maximum Leader is visiting one of his many underground strongholds, either to admire his subterranean mushroom farms or to brutalize his collection of blind, thalidomide-warped, crack-addicted midgets.

Until the verifiable return of the Maximum Leader, we must change, with regret, the realm’s alert status from “Gollum” to “Saruman.” Martial law is now in effect, including a 6PM curfew for all MWO citizens under age 30. Because we are on high alert, it is entirely possible we may find ourselves at war with a neighboring territory for no apparent reason. “Saruman” status also means that people are, for the duration, no longer allowed to pass audible wind, and women must shave their armpits with an extra-fine razor at least twice a day.

Important: all pubic hair must henceforth be dyed red.

Every other day, citizens will be allowed the use of only three of their five senses. This measure was recently instituted by the Maximum Leader himself as a means of conserving his citizens’ brainpower in times of crisis. Masturbation is restricted according to the long-established 300-Stroke Rule, and both male and female ejaculate are to be collected in paper cups with the official MWO seal and sent immediately to the nearest MWO constabulary as liquid tribute to the Maximum Leader.

We all pray for the Maximum Leader’s safe and glorious return, whether from mushroom-admiring, midget-flogging, or thong-prancing.

HAIL THE MWO!

Poet Laureate

cc: Air Marshal, Minister of Agriculture
_

Greetings loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is finally able to type a few lines of blog. Why has your glorious shining leader not blogged for yours and his pleasure recently. Well, he has been quite busy plotting world dominiation and conquest. And the other reason is baseball. Yes, your Maximum Leader has returned every evening to the Villainschloss spent some time around the banquet hall with Mrs. Villain and the Villainettes. Then, it has been straight away to the great hall and the glorious Sony 46 inch widescreen TV to watch baseball. So, your Maximum Leader has not even logged onto his Villainschloss PC this week! Stop the insanity!

Some general baseball thoughts from the Maximum Leader.

Point one: As everyone and his mother seems to be saying,the poor Chicago fan (Steve Bartman) who deflected the foul ball is not the guilty party in the Cubbies wretched meltdown in the NLCS. So I don’t think the fan (Steve Bartman) should be held up to the scorn and death threats of other Cubs fans. I’ve heard that a resort in Florida is offering the fan (Steve Bartman) some time on the beaches of the resort. I think he (Steve Bartman) should jump on that offer.

(Did you see the clever insertion of the fan’s name in the above paragraph? Humm… Your Maximum Leader has been keeping a close eye on Pamela Mackey.)

Point one (a): The cause of the Cubbies meltdown was the fact that they kept Prior in when he was throwing pitches that one of the Villainettes could have hit for a base.

Point two: Your Maximum Leader felt very hopeful about the Red Sox’s chances in Game 7 of the ALCS until about the 8th inning. They had scored early and had forced Joe Torre to go to the bullpen. The bullpen is the Yankees’ weakness. (And did your Maximum Leader mention that the Yankees are sponsored by Lucifer and the denziens of the ninth circle of hell? And I am taken to understand that Allah doesn’t root for the Yankees either.) But, Joe Torre is a baseball genius. (Evil Super Genius perhaps…) and didn’t go to his weak bullpen. He pulls out his very effective starters to do some relief for him because if they loose it is back to hell until spring. Then, the meltdown begins… And it was too painful to watch. It reminded me too much of the many many many times I have watched my beloved Braves choke in one or another playoff series. Indeed, one of the Braves’ most crushing losses for me it turns out is one of the best World Series’ ever.

Point three: Go fish!

In a non-baseball related story. Check out this Hominid piece. All I can say is, agreed.

The Maximum Leader also wishes the lovely annika the best on her LSATS. Perhaps she could be the Minister of Justice in the MWO?

And finally, the holidays are coming. Join the legions of minions who proudly show their loyalty to the MWO.

Your Maximum Leader hopes to blog more today. We’ll see if I can.

Carry on.

For a brief moment there was a shining ray of hope that we’d see a Cubs / RedSox world series. But reality came crashing down.

In Chicago, the poor fan did nothing wrong. The Cubs were still up 3-0 after the incident. They just choked. A Championship team wouldn’t have taken a dive like that. It’s almost as if they were looking for an excuse to lose. I hope Dusty Baker can pull something out in game 7, but I don’t think he will.

In the AL, the RedSox gooned it up in typical Boston style, taking a page from the 70s Bruins. But, like most goony teams, Pedro, Manny and the boys found out that gooning it up only works if you back it up with stellar play. 25+ years later, Hockey is still resonating from this aspect of the championship squads of the Bruins and the Flyers. IMHO these teams won cups not because they were brutes, but because they were also the best teams in that era. I still hope the Sox can pull it out, but only because I dislike the Yankees more.

The Sox-Yankees series shows how defective the whole DH thing is. If Pedro had to bat, would he go beaning Yankees, knowing that Clemens could also take his head off? It introduces accountability, which is universaly a good thing.

Greetings loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader is a little disappointed. He was unable to see the Boston Red Sox v. New York Yankees (brought to us by Lucifer and the denziens of the ninth circle of hell) on Sunday night. As you may have hear, that game was rained out. It was just played, and the Red Sox lost 4-2 giving the dreaded Yankees a 3-2 lead in the series headed back to Yankee Stadium. Indeed, your Maximum Leader is directing some of his ire towards the person of Allan “Bud” Selig, Commissioner of Baseball. I am sure he is somehow responsible for the way the game was called. Again, as you may have read, it rained all day in Boston on Sunday. But, it started to let up around 6pm. Game scheduled to start at 8:15. Your Maximum Leader and his Brother-in-law and Sister-in-law were at Fenway at 6:30ish. We purchased many items and spent a considerable amount of money. (Mostly on stuff for your Maximum Leader’s Brother-in-law and Sister-in-law. Your Maximum Leader did purchase a cap with Ted Williams’ number 9 on it. Since your Maximum Leader is a Braves fan, he felt a little odd getting any Boston cap. But, getting one connected with Teddy Baseball is a good thing.) Then we entered Fenway, and proceeded to get beer, hot dogs, and peanuts. Then, as the rain ended, the game was called. The excuse, I’m sure from the Commissoner himself, was that the field was unplayable. This really ticked off your Maximum Leader. The field was no different at 8pm from its condition at 4pm. It was all a conspiracy to separate your Maximum Leader from his cash.

Humm… Must remember to interrogate Allan “Bud” Selig during MWO to get tips on how to manipulate the masses.

Chicago v. Florida on now. Must go to TV…

Carry on.

The highlite of my life as a sports fan was probably actually seeing the deciding game in the 1998 Stanley Cup Finals in a game with my wife. The ML brought his father there as well as we all watched our beloved Caps fall to the Red Wings. Still, seeing Steve Yzerman skate the Cup around with my own eyes was magical. And there wasn’t a dry eye in the MCI Center when Konstantinov carried the cup around the ice in his wheel chair. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t worry. Long story.

Ok, maybe that’s not the highlite of my life as a sports fan, but it’s in the top 5 or 6. I have to throw SuperBowl’s XVII, XXII and XXVI in there, as well as a couple big Va Tech Bowl wins. But even though my team didn’t win, being there made it special.

I’m not a big baseball fan. I think it’s a bit pretentious and overblown, and not in the gleeful way that NFL films are. MLB takes itsself and it’s place in American history far to seriously. Hardcore baseball fans (and I don’t include the ML here) seem to think that Baseball is the only sport with tradition and history. It irks me when a baseball pundit will say “what makes baseball so great is that…” and then mention something that’s equally true of football, basketball, hockey, soccer and tetris. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the drama of playoffs in any sport. The stories that unfold in October in MLB are no different or more dramatic than the playoffs in any other sport. Especially now that 8 teams make the post-season. I wish the pundits would understand that. EVERY sport is a game of inches, and EVERY sport comes down to stars in clutch positions making plays.

Best Comedy routine EVER

Now, to be far and balanced (oooh I hope Bill O’Reilly and Fox don’t sue me) Baseball does have a defiite elegance, and it is a very uniquely designed sport. Hockey, Football, Basketball, Rugby, Soccer, Lacrosse etc. all share the paradigm of the offence carrying the ball/puck into the other teams end to try and score. 10 years ago,I found myself trying to explain the rules to some Russian grad students I worked with who wanted to play softball on our lab’s softball team. It was a true challenge. I had a friend coaching little league at the time, and he had a hell of a time trying to teach kids the basic rules. It really gives one an appreciation for how esoteric the basic structure of the game is. THAT is what’s special about baseball. The bizzare rules.

Anyway, I agree with the ML in that I’m rooting for the Cubs and Red Sox.

And then I’ll root for the Cubs.

Manny Ramirez is a putz. Plus New England fans left a bad impression on me with their pathetic sore loser attitude after the Bruins lost to the Caps in the first round of the playoffs in ‘98. The Pats were a fluke. Get over it. And “Nomar” is the stupidest name I’ve ever heard.

Greetings loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader’s blog on baseball (well, actually about name-calling leading to a exposition on baseball) has caused some positive Karma to flow his way. It seems that I will be travelling to Boston, MA to see Game 4 of the American League Championship Series between the Beloved (yet unfortunate since 1918) Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees brought to you by Lucifer and the denizens of the Ninth Circle of Hell. I am quite excited.

While your Maximum Leader just recently mentioned that he was an Atlanta Braves fan. But, since they are out of it, my loyalties are not in play I am going to be rooting for the Red Sox in this series. I believe that all Americans (at least hose who’s teams are no longer in the running) are rooting for a Red Sox vs. Cubbies World Series. It will be a rematch of the 1918 World Series. It is amazing how baseball is like that. It is such a great sport.

Now, since the game is starting… I must bid you…

Carry on.