Greetings, loyal minions. Your Maximum Leader was in the Villainmobile and chanced to come across some radio program from the Beeb about how the rest of the world views the United States. The real title of the program ought to have been called “More mindless people spouting off about why they hate the US.”

So… Your Maximum Leader would like to humbly suggest ten (count ‘em 10) policy changes that would give legitimate reasons for the rest of the world to hate us. Here we go:

1) Stop exporting drugs. All those great drugs US pharmaceutical companies make? From now on they are for Americans only. We would, of course, have to destroy all the drug factories built by US companies around the world… But hey, you gotta break a few eggs…

2) Stop allowing immigrants (legal and illegal) to come to the US - unless they can demonstrably show that they can offer some tangible skill or talent to the nation.

2a) We continue to allow foreign exchange students into universities - on the condition that they never return to their native land. Thus making the “brain-drain” problem even worse.

3) Implement a true “you have it, we want it, we take it” foreign policy. Suppose we need more oil. We invade your country and take it. We pay nothing for it. We kill as many people as we need to in order to get it. Then we leave. This policy also goes for gold, silver, uranium, sheep, apes, elephants, coconuts, bananas, exotic hot chicks, whatever really. We can get really whimsical on this one… Maybe one day Congress decides we need a national “schnitzel day.” The night before, we invade Germany and/or Austria and take all the schnitzel we can lay our hands on…

5) Stop all foreign aid. Not a big deal really (to us). We don’t give much foreign aid as it is. After all, we know the UN thinks we’re “stingy.”

6) Take back the Internet.

7) Jam all non-American TV shows from being broadcast anywhere in the world.

8 ) Offer the UK, Australia, and Israel statehood. That way they can partake in all the fun we’ll have! Everyone knows they’re nothing but US stooges anyway!

9) We build a huge solar shade and randomly position it for weeks at a time over other nations. Thereby plunging them into darkness and chaos. We only move the shade to another randomly selected nation if we get a big sappy Hallmark card signed by everyone in the affected country saying how much they really like us and are sorry they forgot to wish us a happy 4th of July. (Nations that send a $25 Wal-Mart gift card to every registered US voter in addition to the sappy card will get a guarantee that we’ll not park the solar shade over their country for at least 1 calendar year.)

10) First, put a whole bunch of nasty neutron bombs on satellites. Then start a new season of “Survivor.” The season will be entitled “Survivor: The 3rd World.” Multinational teams from all over the 3rd world will compete against each other. Teams will seek to win contests and earn “immunity.” Losing teams will have to vote off one team member. The contestant voted off will be summarily executed and his nation bombed indiscriminately. Eventually the one surviving contestant will be given $1 million (US) and his nation given Commonwealth status. (Just like Puerto Rico!)

If we make these simple policy changes then, truly, the rest of the world might have a legitimate reason to hate us.

Carry on.

Linked at Outside the Beltway.